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Memorable Quotes
Member since Jun-28-05 · Last seen Jan-04-18
Dedicated to celebrating the lighter side of, a collection of memorable quotes and puns.


Every kibitzer is welcome and in fact encouraged to post funny quotes he/she finds around the site.

However, please refrain from having discussions in this forum and making "irrelevant" posts, since I will generally delete them. Also, please don't post quotes that are in clear violation of the general posting guidelines.>


Other pages worth visiting:

Odd Lie, City of Moscow, Beer, Oleg Romanishin, anything else ?



<soberknight>'s "Storey" of biblical proportions at Charles H Storey

<tpstar>'s epic "Kramniad" at John Homer Stapfer

<beatgiant, Mar-04-05, T Bush vs A Carter, 1976 >:

T Bush: "It's clearly a chess ratings report. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

Kenneth Regan: "I've outlawed the Russian Defense. We begin pawn storming in five minutes."

A Carter: "Chess is the moral equivalent of war."

Ford: "There is no Russian domination of chess."

Thomas Nixon: "I received one more gift after the election. Besides Checkers, the dog, I also got Chess, the cat."

Kennedy: "Ich bin Hans Berliner!"

<Abaduba, Apr-17-05, T Bush vs A Carter, 1976 >:

Thomas Jefferson Bryan: "All pawns are created equal and endowed with the inalienable right to life, liberty, and two squares on their first move."

Jamie Walter Adams: "Liberty cannot be preserved without a general knowledge of opening theory."

Jackson: "The wisdom of man never yet contrived an opening system that would operate with perfect equality."

<TheSlid, Mar-18-05, The World vs Kosteniuk, 2004 >:

So what did precipitate the End of the World? Was it nuclear war, a huge meteor, or was it 18.Bd3?

<tpstar, May-26-05, Garry Kasparov >:

In their infinite wisdom, they're trying to clamp down on tooth jokes to 1) prevent moral decay 2) make sure this page doesn't become one giant cavity.

Mad props on the refreshed picture. Looks like GK got a few molar equivalents of bleach.

<DP12, Jun-12-05, Vladimir Kramnik >:

Kramnik does not paint, he draws.

<ruylopez900, Apr-17-04, Janosevic vs Geller, 1968 >: has this as A00 Uncommon Opening. While this is true I think ECO should expand itself to include this opening. What do you think of <Chess Game Declined, ECO Code F00>?

<Ezzy, Jun-23-05, The Kibitzer's Café >

There is no shame in spending hours a day on the greatest of all games. If you want to enjoy the game even more, then do what I did:

Do not get married (or get a divorce immediately), as there is no time for the folly of companionship, when there is chess to be played!!

Sell your children to slavery, or have them adopted!! - because you don't want them whinging in your ear while you are trying to concentrate on monday's puzzle!

Renounce all friendships!! - There just isn't enough time for these. How can you possibly waste time in socialising, when the complexities of the Najdorf Sicilian, is more than enough to keep you occupied!!

Finally, you must renounce your parents! Because it's their bloody fault that you became a "chessnut boasting in a open foyer"!

Sorry, it's not quite final. We should all renounce <> for irresponsibly encouraging us all to participate on their website, with no thought whatsoever, to how and why they are tearing families and frienships apart!


<Knight13, Sep-09-04, N Zhukova vs Areshchenko, 2004 >:

Pawns are better than rooks in the endgame. So both have 1 rook. That means it's gonna be a check or pawn kill.

Nice Drawn game.

(don't miss the according rebuttals)

<offramp, Dec-28-04, Lembit Oll >:

Pity he didn't die from an overdose of Nembutal.

(a drug)

<korger, Jul-10-05, Lembit Oll >:

(But that's actually a picture of 'Weird Al' Yankovic!)

I wonder if he was taunted with the nickname "Weird Oll" in high school.

<, Nov-16-04, Marshall vs Pillsbury, 1904 >:



We removed that message because the link pointed to a pornographic site.


<An Englishman, Nov-18-04>:

Dear chessgames: Thank you for removing that link. No, the link used to be correct...

<offramp, Nov-18-04>:

That 'link' as you call it has changed my life... I used to be a Roman Catholic...

<dr eales, Jun-10-04, Raymond Keene >:



I also happen to believe that what looks like a concerted attack on Ray by a number of writers too scared to reveal their true identities is in direct violation of rule 3 of the posting guidelines prohibiting personal attacks!


<ughaibu, Jun-10-04>:

Unless Keene is a member there's no contravention of rule 3.

<ray keene, Jun-10-04>:

The real Ray Keene is here


<Shadout Mapes, Jun-11-04>:

Wow ughaibu, I bet you didn't see this one coming.

<azaris, Mar-04-05, T Nixon vs S Williams, 2002 >:

"I am not A Crook!"

(about what Nixon said after the game)

<acirce, Mar-09-05, Rustam Kasimdzhanov >:

(did Kasimdzhanov even have a single position in this tournament where he had anything remotely resembling an advantage?)

Yes, he was White in six games.

<WannaBe, May-10-05, Michael Bond >:

My Gosh, Bond is +0 =0 and -002.
That makes him an 005?!

<tpstar, Aug-02-05, Charles Gauche >:

Hey wait! Where did the BRA go?! Guys, you really need to get permission before taking someone's BRA off. :)

(the player's "name" used to be Charles Gauche BRA)

Successive posts by <ughaibu, Geller vs A Kapengut, 1971 >

<ughaibu, Mar-10-04>:

A beautiful finish to this one.

<ughaibu, Aug-11-05>:

I must say I agree about that, 22.Rd4 is great stuff.

(thanks to <aragorn69> for pointing it out)

<Jaymthetactician, Aug-23-05, Boris Spassky >:

I dont think theres a rating inflation, it's just that today's players are much stronger then the past. Evidenced by how the further back in time you go, the lower the world champion is rated. For example: If Botvinnik was 2500 later on, then Alekhine would only be rated around 2000 nowaday's, with Steinitz being about 1800, and Morphy being around 1500, Anderssen I think would 1300, while Philidor might be 1250.

<azaris, Aug-28-05>: If Philidor was put in a time machine and sent to our time, he would be a strong IM.

If jaymthetactician was put in a time machine and sent to Philidor's time, it would be a blessing to us all.

<TheSlid, Sep-29-05, Topalov vs Anand, 2005 >:

<BishopBerkeley: In India, many poor people play Chess.>

All over the world many people play chess poorly!

<LIFE Master AJ, recurrent>:

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

<Monoceros, Oct-04-05, Judit Polgar vs Topalov, 2005 >:

<Monoceros> You're right. I was thinking of ...


<notsodeepthought, Dec-02-05, Odd Lie >:

<New User>: Hello AJ, I noticed that you took part at tournament ___, can you tell us about it? Also, if you feel like a game, let me know and I'll tell you where to look me up.

<Nude Abuser>, what do you mean by "Hello"? Are you a Life Master, or at least a GM, that you can talk to me just like that? What's YOUR rating? I bet you don't even have a home page on this site. And no, I don't play on the internet, because internet chess players are cheaters, especially YOU, since you all use computers. That's what my old sergeant in the Army told me. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.

P.S. Nyuk

<RolandTesh, Dec-03-05, The Kibitzer's Café >: Here is a joke Hydra recently told Shredder:

101011- 101110001001010100010000100001000100011010110010- 101110- 101010010001001000100010011110100010110101001010- 110000- 0100001000!

That one always gets me :-)

<, Dec-13-05, The Kibitzer's Café >:

The conclusion of the Roland Tesh's premium account Christmas presents are here...

We just sent out 32 emails to each winner...

however, we can't send emails to people who didn't win. (Sorry about that, we just don't have the resources.)...

<tpstar, various>:

A Lein vs T Palmer, 2004, Robert James Fischer, Kramnik - Leko World Championship Match (2004)

<tpstar, Jul-19-05, Leonard J Johnson >:

Possible advertising slogans for Chess Viagra:

"I've fallen - and I can't get it up!"

"Prepare to mate on Knight One"

"Use whenever your piece is hanging"


Continued in the forum below...

>> Click here to see Memorable Quotes's game collections. Full Member

   Memorable Quotes has kibitzed 31 times to chessgames   [more...]
   Sep-27-17 TheAlchemist chessforum (replies)
Memorable Quotes: Moved over for further discussion: Sep-27-17 <offramp>: <TheAlchemist> Perhaps you should add a single proviso: <The quote should have the potential be memorable to more than one person.>
   Sep-27-17 Memorable Quotes chessforum (replies)
Memorable Quotes: Just to correct my previous mistake, reposted: <Dr Winston OBoogie>: <saffuna: <<Bobsterman>, did you notice that Trump's speech at the UN was strong, very manly and well received by respected leaders around the world?> <The president of Nambia ...
   Feb-03-06 Beer (replies)
Memorable Quotes: Finally, I have completed Game Collection: The Punishment . You're welcome to have a look!
(replies) indicates a reply to the comment.

Memorable CG Kibitzers' Quotes

Kibitzer's Corner
< Earlier Kibitzing  · PAGE 49 OF 49 ·  Later Kibitzing>
Premium Chessgames Member
  Count Wedgemore: <OhioChessFan: <harry: If Liverpool and Villa both win today I will get a tattoo of JURGEN KLOPP on my ass.>

For the sake of that poor tatoo artist I've never even met, I am praying that both of them don't win.>

Kibitzer's Café (kibitz #230353)

Premium Chessgames Member
  moronovich: I think Harry can Bale out now.
Premium Chessgames Member
  Keyser Soze: Funny indeed.
Premium Chessgames Member
  moronovich: <May-29-18

Tomlinsky: Well to be perfectly honest, in my humble opinion, of course without offending anyone who thinks differently from my point of view, but also by looking into this matter in a different perspective, without being condemning of one's views and by trying to make it objectified, and by considering each and every one's valid opinion, I honestly believe that I completely forgot what I was going to say. Well played everyone.>

<Tomlinksy> at his best.

Premium Chessgames Member
  zanzibar: <<Phony Benoni:> I am not surprised this game had no comments. There are times when a respectful silence for the dead is the only decent thing to do.>

Nimzowitsch vs J Mieses, 1925 (kibitz #1)

Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: <> when asked how they feel about sockpuppets:

< Sockpuppets to create the appearance of a dialogue when it's really just one person monologuing are strongly discouraged.>

<MissScarlett: How do you feel about 'Knock! Knock!' jokes?>

< It depends on who's there.> chessforum

Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: There is a very touching, but long, quote at Abraham Tabash (kibitz #1), courtesy of User: Tabanus, who discovered it.
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: A question at S Volkov vs B Socko, 2014 (kibitz #7)

<EvanTheTerrible: Great game! How much of this is theory?>

received a karmic response:

<PawnSac: All of it now!>

Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: At Kenneth S Rogoff

<johnlspouge: It would be interesting to hear intelligent discussion on this topic.>

<Diademas: Wow! You realy are at the wrong place. >

Premium Chessgames Member
  optimal play: Jul-04-18 OhioChessFan: <HMM: Trump played either rugby or Aussie rules football>

Good. If those lousy Ozzies try to be World Champions in Australian Rules Football, the USA has a secret weapon.

Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: The Kibitzer's Café

<harry lime: I Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed an American woman who I can fall in love with at a glance .. Any ideas ?? >

<Luke Warm: You could get Blondie, harry.>

<nok: You mean "you could get Debbie, harry". >

Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I wish I had seen this useful and funny mnemonic a long time ago:

George Hatfeild Gossip (kibitz #60)

<"I" before "C"
Or when followed by "T"
O'er the ramparts we watched
Not excluding joint taxpayers filing singly
EXCEPTION: Suzi's All-Nite E-Z Drive-Thru Donut Shoppe.>

So NOW I know!

Good one, User: rapidcitychess!

Premium Chessgames Member
  zanzibar: <<offramp:> Could you please change the names of the players on the live game page. It is showing as Carlsen v Svidler but it is really Georgiadis v Carlsen.> chessforum (kibitz #29809)

Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: In a discussion of a Queen sac at Averbakh vs Kotov, 1953

<King Harvest: When I sac the Queen in positions like this, where I can't calculate my way to a clear win, well, usually a few moves later I wish I could Averbakh.>

<ChessHigherCat: LOL. But you can't Averbakh onboard because she's already Kotov.>

Aug-04-18  N0B0DY: <BlackFront: <N0B0DY> ever accused Hans Ree of original research. You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.>

<jessicafischerqueen: <BlackFront> heh...>

Vladimir Petrov

Premium Chessgames Member
  Diademas: From the Rogoff page where <Nisjesram> is, to put it delicately, a prolific contributor:

<<Nisjesram>: I tell you <bobsterman> how to solve your immigration problem.....anyone who wants to immigrate here , make them read <rogoff> forum....>

<<OhioChessFan>: Wow. It took thousands of posts, but you finally said something that makes sense, and is also funny.>

Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: From Daniel Freeman player page:

<any conceivable reason to tolerate idiotic speeches about "godless atheists">

<nok: Ban it. Redundant expressions have no place here.>

Premium Chessgames Member
  zanzibar: TD, replying to a quote:

<<Kasparov's games are no fun??>

Yes. Especially if you're playing against him.>

Robert James Fischer


Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Here is a truly colossal, Mount Rushmore-like quote from the dazzlingly unlawful User: thegoodanarchist:

Podebrady (1936) (kibitz #4)

<thegoodanarchist: < The 18 combatants included: Alexander Alekhine, Erich Eliskases, Stefan Fazekas, Salomon Flohr, Jan Foltys, Paulino Frydman, Vera Menchik, Karel Opocensky, Jiri Pelikan, Vladimir Petrov, Vasja Pirc, Kurt Paul Otto Joseph Richter, Karel Skalicka, Gideon Stahlberg, Lajos Steiner, George Alan Thomas, Karel Treybal, Emil Zinner.>>

[Here it comes! Get ready.]

<The Podebrady Bunch!>

User: JimNorCal spotted its brilliance immediately!

A beam of light incandescent at a time of darkest night.

Aug-14-18  TheFocus: That's a good one!!
Premium Chessgames Member
  Annie K.: chessforum (kibitz #30196)

<nok: <<(...) by Raymond Keene is a good book>

Who wrote it?>>

Premium Chessgames Member
  zanzibar: This one is really good!

<<sneaky sqeeky: So proud of you! Sargon>

Who is this <Sargon> you speak of? My name is <> ...


6th Sinquefield Cup (2018) (kibitz #26)

Premium Chessgames Member

Kibitzer's Café (kibitz #239002)

<HeMateMe: why isn't there any good baroque porn? I've scoured the internet mate, none to be had.>


Sep-19-18  Boomie: <Jessie>

He was responding to one of my posts two posts before.

"Musical quality is a bit like pornography. You can't define it but you know it when you hear it."

Premium Chessgames Member

<Tim> I know. But you never get that part. I don't care how many goombahs you pull out of the closet.

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