To All My Valued Employees,

I had a vasectomy last year, only my wife called it a lobotomy. That fixed me up real good.

As most of you know our administration, Obama et al, has continued to succeed in spite of a very dismal economy. There is no question that the economy has changed for the worse and we have not seen any improvement over the past four years. In spite of all of the challenges we have faced, the good news is this: The economy doesn't currently pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job however, me not getting re-elected. Of course, as your employer, I can't tell you whom to be honest to, and I certainly wouldn't interfere with your right to vote for whomever you choose. In fact, I encourage you to vote for whomever you think will serve your interests the best. [...]

Now, my re-election chances are falling apart and people like me who made all the right decisions and whored myself out for campaign donations, now I need bailing out. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed 42 years of my life for. Yes, being the President has its benefits, but the price I've paid is steep and not without wounds. Unfortunately, the costs of running the country have gotten out of control, and let me tell you why: We are not taxing enough. We collect state taxes, federal taxes, property taxes, sales and use taxes, payroll taxes, workers compensation taxes and unemployment taxes. I even have to pretend to care to manage all these taxes. The question I have is this: Who is really stimulating your paycheck? Is it the Government that wants to get elected and cut your salary, or is it people like me who built this administration out of many campaign donation and directly employs over a bajillion people?

Obviously, our present government believes massaging the numbers is the right economic stimulus for this country. The fact is, if I deducted 50% off the unemployment rate, would you quit or you would have to stop using Goal Seek and do actual calculations? Who wants to do actual hard work? Well, that's what happens to me. [...]

Lying is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must lie, cheat, still, and try to kill competition. However, the people that can do arithmatic believe that the massaged numbers is the essential driver of the American economic engine. Nothing could be closer to the truth and this is the type of change they want.

So where am I going with all this? It's quite simple. If any new taxes are not levied on all, or my administration, as our current plans have no room for honesty in it, I will have no choice but to GTFO and leave the country. Rather than grow the fraud, I will be forced to cut back. This means fewer jobs, less benefits and certainly less opportunity for the few that profit from doing nothing social productive.

So, when you make your decision to vote, ask yourself, which candidate understands the economics of massaged numbers and who doesn't? Whose math will endanger your job? Answer those questions and you should know who might be the one capable of protecting and saving your job. While the media wants to continue our fuzzy math, I believe the "1 percenters that can do arithmatic" are bad, I'm telling you they are very bad. They expose lies when things don’t add up. If you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the "1%"; it will be at the hands of a group of people that believe in honesty and transparency.

You see, I can no longer support a system that penalizes lying and cheating. My motivation to pimp will be destroyed, and with it, so will your opportunities. If that happens, you can find me in Kenya sitting on the ground, under a tree, retired, and with no citizens to worry about.

Signed, your boss,

Obama (and any administration that willl follow me)

< $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ PRINT BABY PRINT $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ >

I am today stepping down from the Presidential Office to free up the way quickly for a successor. chessgames.com needs a president that enjoys the trust of not only a majority, but a broad majority of members.

¿Qué pasa? We are the president!!!

Adding to my totally undeserved Nobel Peace Prize, me, the big talking all promise messiah-like United States president, Barack Alabama, stuns you, The World, by becoming the next World Chess Champion.

Yes, you read that right.

"The World Chess Federation today announced that Burack Obama had become the world chess champion, nudging aside former undisputed champion Viswanathan Anand of India.

The news surprised some in the chess world, because Obama has never participated in tournament play. But FIDE officials said they felt certain Obama could become world champion if he ever decided to try.

Others were less surprised. Hungarian grandmaster Judit Polgar noted the world championship is just the latest in a string of triumphs for the American president."

<YES, WE KEYNES!> http://farm3.staticflickr.com/2090/... - - - -

Dear Mr. President:

Hello, and welcome to Chessgames.com. Your account has been created. <Thanks for the cash, chessgames.com, but I need some more...>

Thank you for supporting our site, and thank you for becoming part of the world's greatest chess database and community! <You really deserve <The Blowing Your Own Trumpet Award>>