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offramp
Member since Aug-16-03 · Last seen Sep-22-17
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<MARK
I’m sure you’ve run across articles about him in magazines. About how when he was a kid, he almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning huffing fumes from barbecue propane tanks, and how he was later diagnosed with having a monoamine oxidase A deficiency — what’s called a MAOA-deficiency — which made him abnormally belligerent …
WARDEN
What made him abnormally belligerent, the deficiency or the diagnosis?
MARK
Huh?
WARDEN
Never mind.
MARK
… so he was always in and out of reform schools and jails. But he developed into this incredibly ferocious player. He’s probably the hardest pure hitter ever in tetherball — y’know, if you’re talking just raw pounds-per-square-inch force. And then the year after he won his first Ma Ling Masters, he was in a Koru’s Department Store, which is like the Bougainvillean equivalent of Sears, and he was buying a pair of maracas and the salesperson suggested that he purchase a service contract for the maracas, and Offramp very courteously declined — he’s normally a very soft-spoken, urbane person — but the clerk got increasingly aggressive about this service contract, and finally Offramp just lost it and bludgeoned him to death with the ceremonial war club he always carries around with him. So he had to leave the country and he missed two full seasons. And then when he came back, he was appearing on The Patimo Nambuka Show (which is like the Good Morning America of Bougainville), and an anaconda swallowed his mom in the green room.>

- Mark Leyner, The Tetherballs of Bogainville.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipe...

CR Wynn: "There are few mysteries on the internet. Offramp is one of them."
- Mamedyarov vs Topalov, 2017 (kibitz #11)

ColeTrane: "Offramp says a lot of garbage."
- H Mestre Bellido vs T Bakre, 2012 (kibitz #15)

Luzhin: "Offramp is writing from a secure unit where patients are well-treated by a team of dedicated professionals."
- Short vs E Blomqvist, 2017 (kibitz #12)

SirRuthless: "If you have a minute do a little research on King Leopold and his actions in the Belgian Congo. It's eye opening. Offramp chose that monster as his avatar and it was no accident. Wonderful human being this <offramp> is."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #82)

SirRuthless: "Ahh it's Albert Pike, my mistake. Sorry about that <offramp>. I'll leave my posts up as a lesson to anyone else who makes a similar mistake and a record of my error."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #88)

CARNIS AUTEM EST!

"Are you one of the frightened?"
- Boris Karloff

Voted Worst Fanirmod 9 years in a row.

I am a noted expert on Teplitz-Schönau (1922) upon which I have written nine "Schönographs": learned disquisitions on that intriguing tournament. Available at www.lulu.com for $0.01 each.

Lead singer and guitarist of the Norwegian black metal band Dementert Freaks. Search for "I Piss On Your Jellyfish Sting."

A great passion of mine is to fire up the old Merlin GTS autogyro and take her up to about 5,500 metres. I take a laptop with me but I no longer post while airborne since one post made me laugh so hard that I crashed my gyrocopter.

I was born in Hong Kong and in 2005 I was required to complete National Service in the Chinese military. I was taught how to fly a Xian H-6 jet bomber. One of my missions was to carpet-bomb the town of Bishkek in Uzbekistan. A local chess tournament was taking place at the time and I later found out that I had killed 166 chess players which I believe to be the record.

I am an Honorary member of The Ancient and Honorable Artillery Company of Massachusetts and a Freeman of the City of Prince George, British Columbia and a Member of the Order of Skinner & PJ Proby's Horse and the Supreme Orator of the Order of the Acrimonious Virgin.

I have published an autobiography called <I BLEW A BILLION BUCKS ON BIKES BABES BARBITURATES BULLETS BOMBS AND BENONIS: <My Journey of Personal Discovery from Tunguska to Roswell Via Krakatoa and Hiroshima>>. It is available at Lulu.com for £0.01p.

I graduated from Leadway University, Hut 8, Zone B, Lagos, Nigeria with a thesis on speech act theory and moral language.

I once worked at LUSH and I have made a replica pistol out of black soap which I intend to present to Donald Trump when he visits Britain by jumping out of the crowd and handing it to him.

My philosophy is this:

Work like the ponies in coalmines.
Dance like the teardrop explodes.
Love like you're Frank in Blue Velvet.
Play chess like you're desperate to lose.

My father was from Limerick and my mother was from Chorlton-cum-Hardy, near Manchester.

My favourite players of all time are:
1 Frank James Marshall
2 Moshe Czerniak
3 Harry Nelson Pillsbury
4 Vladimir Simagin
5 Evgeni Ellinovich Sveshnikov
6 Gustav Richard Neumann
7 Carl Theodor Goering
8 Rudolf Swiderski
9 Siegbert Tarrasch
10 Hugh Alexander Kennedy
11 Ernst Ludwig Klein.

My birthday is 29th March. I have two young children.

I am a lover of ecclesiastical architecture. I like Hawksmoor, Gibbs and Archer. In 2017 I'm hoping to visit both Santiago de Compostela and Rome. North France, as well. It is not easy because I never learned to drive a petrol vehicle, although I am trained to drive an electric train.

I spend many hours listening to Old-Time Radio (OTR). I also like pre-code comics.

>> Click here to see offramp's game collections.

Chessgames.com Full Member
   Current net-worth: 1,500 chessbucks
[what is this?]

   offramp has kibitzed 15041 times to chessgames   [more...]
   Sep-22-17 Aronian vs M Vachier-Lagrave, 2017
 
offramp: User: Sally Simpson that Gelfand-Svidler game you linked to is another example of the older player having greater technical knowledge. The players who learnt most of their chess in precomputer days have a much larger neural network of stratagems than their younger rivals. The Oldies
 
   Sep-22-17 Ding Liren vs Aronian, 2013 (replies)
 
offramp: User: Andrew Chapman no. I was making a joke.
 
   Sep-22-17 W So vs Ding Liren, 2017 (replies)
 
offramp: <FSR> I think that's enough dings and clangs.
 
   Sep-21-17 World Cup (2017) (replies)
 
offramp: <Tomlinsky: <offramp> I quite like that idea on the face of it.> I think it's perfect. Sadly... it's just you and me.
 
   Sep-21-17 Von Der Lasa vs Staunton, 1853 (replies)
 
offramp: In the old days only Anderssen could be relied on not to miss moves like 22...Na2+.
 
   Sep-21-17 Isle of Man Open (2017) (replies)
 
offramp: <Domdaniel> LOL. Very good! 👍
 
   Sep-21-17 M de los Angeles Plazaola vs T Blagojevic, 2012
 
offramp: The Mayor of Los Angeles can play chess? He gets my vote!
 
   Sep-21-17 William Ritson-Morry
 
offramp: <Caissanist: Updated link to the Chessnotes article cited by Karpova above: http://www.chesshistory.com/winter/... .> Updated in what way?
 
   Sep-21-17 Philip Stuart Milner-Barry (replies)
 
offramp: <Richard Taylor: Bad memories of Ritson-Morry? Please explain <offramp> ?> It's on the Ritson Morry page: <In the late 1930s Ritson Morry, who was a solicitor, invested clients’ money without their knowledge or consent in a speculative property development. He was ...
 
   Sep-21-17 I Korepanova vs A Tishkov, 2007 (replies)
 
offramp: A very clever game title. Not. It is the English translation of the French phrase <en passant>.
 
(replies) indicates a reply to the comment.

English Chess Speaking

Kibitzer's Corner
< Earlier Kibitzing  · PAGE 28 OF 29 ·  Later Kibitzing>
Aug-19-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  technical draw: <offramp> <Blimey MacRiley! I just realised that a few days ago I missed my 14th anniversary of being a member here.>

Thanks for reminding me <offramp>. My 14th is coming up in November. I hope I don't forget it.

It is customary for members to send $20 to all who complete 14 years as members. (that's a custom I just made up today)

Aug-19-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: It's on its way!
Aug-21-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: < offramp: Blimey MacRiley! I just realised that a few days ago I missed my 14th anniversary of being a member here. That was August the 16th.>

I know how you feel!

Signed, thegoodanarchist
Member since Jul-29-03 · Last seen Aug-21-17

Aug-21-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: I began my search for the earliest member of cg.com who is still active, not counting the founder, in <twinlark>'s forum:

<twinlark>
Member since Nov-17-05

And <WannaBe> has him beat!

<WannaBe>
Member since Oct-20-04

<and <tpstar> has been around since before <WannaBe>:

<tpstar>
Member since Feb-19-04

And of course <offramp> was before <tpstar>, and I joined before <offramp>.

Now I am off to find an active member who joined before I did...

Aug-22-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  cro777: <thegoodanarchist, member since Jul-29-03: I am off to find an active member who joined before I did...>

<cro777> Member since May-27-03

Aug-22-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  parisattack: <ughaibu> 15-Nov-02
Aug-22-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: thank you both <cro777> (and congrats for sticking around all these years!) and <parisattack> for the info.
Aug-23-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: D Summermatter vs Barbero, 1990 (kibitz #2)

<<Fusilli: .. a passer on the queenside against a blocked white center.>

For those of you that may be new to chess or to chessgames.com, I should like to clarify that some kibitzers at this site whose time is at a premium like to use the term <passer>, meaning something which is in the act of passing, as an abbreviation for the usual term <passed pawn>.

It saves 5 keystrokes and invests the user with the huge cachet of being able to use to use a piece of technical jargon in place of a standard phrase.

See also <button>, <prelate> and <hopper>.>

Aug-23-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: In the early 2000s, I had a friend I met at the regional tournaments (who has since moved to another part of the country).

We would get together to play blitz from time to time. In honor of Archbishop Desmond Tutu, we named the dark-square bishop "Desmond".

Later, I just decided that "Edmund" would be a good name for the light-square bishop.

But these names are much more personal than "prelate" or "hopper".

Aug-23-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: When I was young I could be quite pithy.

I really liked this one: it was on Usenet. Do you remember that?

Alt.magick was a fairly gentle newsgroup and nothing untoward happened... it was a bit new-agey at times, which I did not like. And one day this guy called <Apollyon> posted this:

<<Thanks and farewell>
I wanted to thank everyone who gave advice and insight, for now, I must embark upon my own path, and computer use will not be part of it. Good luck everyone.

Apollyon.>

He received a <Take Care> message from some nitwit named William Tucker.

However, I decided to take my own route and wrote:

<You won't be reading this then, <you demented freak>>.

Is that not brilliant?

I thought it was very funny and I laughed about it for a many long days.

Of course, Appolyon did not reply - he couldn't could he?

But William Tucker, that merry old er.. soul, did have an opinion:

<Alan you seem troubled......ease off the beta blockers..>

And I thought. "Okay, good response. Quite funny."
And I was going to leave it at that.

BUT THREE DAYS LATER the scales dropped from my eyes!!!! I thought of a stunning response:

<Hang on,> I wrote, <Don't you mean "...<increase> your dosage of beta blockers"? That makes sense.>

Tucker was devastated. He ADMITTED that he was wrong and I was left in total possession of the field.

1-0 to OFFRAMP! LOL.

The full thing is here:
https://groups.google.com/forum/?fr...

Aug-26-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: < offramp:...

<You won't be reading this then, <you demented freak>>.

Is that not brilliant? >

I think "The Demented Freaks" is a great name for a Rock band.

Aug-31-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I have bought a very cheap house in central Los Angeles, La Salle County, Texas.

I have not yet seen it, except on Google Maps, but what could be wrong with an $85,000 house in central Los Angeles?

Aug-31-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  technical draw: < what could be wrong with an $85,000 house in central Los Angeles?>

Nothing. Just make sure you walk around with sureño colors.

Sep-01-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I never go to the Kibitzer's Cafe or the dreaded Rogoff page, but it seems that recently the prevailing atmosphere of radiance and beauty and harmony and love and mutual assistance has been scratched.

Let us all pray for its speedy return.

Sep-01-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: When all the toys have left the pram, the dead will walk the earth.
Sep-01-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  technical draw: <offramp> . I don't go to the Rogoff page. However I do visit the Cafe and only because I have a pretty hefty ignore list.
Sep-01-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: https://www.liveleak.com/view?i=081...
Sep-02-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The...
Sep-03-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp:
Frederick Crews
Disliked the Jews.
He was particularly annoyed
With Sigmund Freud.
Sep-05-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Not Recommended Reading
Eliot Weinberger
The Whirling Eye (1920) by Thomas W. Benson and Charles S. Wolfe A psychiatrist, visiting an insane asylum, discovers his old friend Professor Mehlman, who declares that he has been unjustly incarcerated merely because he is in love with a Venusian. Mehlman had constructed a giant telescope in the Andes to observe life on Venus. In the course of his studies, he had become smitten by the sight of a beautiful Venusian female, whom he kept watching.

A Weird Appointment (1901) by Harry S. Tedrow
At the local diner, a waitress tells the narrator that a Martian has moved into town. Going by the name of Miss Dora Wolf, she is part of a team studying human institutions. Miss Wolf’s particular interest is the post office.

The Thought Girl (1920) by Ray Cummings
Guy Bates, since childhood, has been in telepathic rapport with a girl who lives in the Realm of Unthought Things. That world contains all the inventions that have not yet been invented in this world. When they are invented here, they disappear there. Guy enlists the aid of Thomas Edison to travel to the other world and bring the girl back.

The Storm of London (1904) by F. Dickberry
Young Lord Somerville wakes to find all his clothes missing. In fact, all clothing has vanished from England. After the initial shock, life resumes in the nude. People learn they must take better care of their bodies and become healthier. Class distinctions, once marked by outward trappings, vanish. As the police are no longer recognisable, everyone polices themselves and there is no longer crime. Somerville and his fiancée decide to live together without marriage; the arts flourish; and the people construct an enormous Palace of Happiness.

Solarion (1889) by Edgar Fawcett
Kindly Dayton and egotistical Stafford are both in love with Celia Effingham. Stafford steals the work of the dying Professor Klotz of Strasbourg, who has been stimulating the brain with electricity. He experiments on a puppy, which becomes an extremely intelligent, psychologically astute talking dog, Solarion. Stafford, afraid that Celia will run off with Dayton, gives her Solarion to spy on her and report back, but Solarion falls in love with Celia and betrays him. Stafford kills Solarion, and Celia and Dayton marry.

The Shingling of Jupiter (1924) by Ewan Agnew
Patricia Dickens, a bored flapper, meets a handsome but dull man, who turns out to be an officer of the Jupiter Air Force, come to gather intelligence about Earth. She returns with him to Jupiter, but finds it’s just as boring as Earth. The women of Jupiter, however, copy Patricia’s shingle hairstyle and it becomes the rage.

Sep-05-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: The Secret of Japan (1906) by George W. Draper
Takasuma, a Japanese-American scientist, invents a machine that makes people invisible. His friend Fowler accidentally steps in front of the ray. Fowler is extremely unhappy being invisible, and Mrs Fowler is not pleased. Takasuma promises to restore him, but can’t be found. Fowler eventually tracks him down in Japan, where the scientist has been creating invisible soldiers to fight in the Russo-Japanese war. Takasuma apologises for abandoning his friend, but says that his nation came first.

The Second Fall (1920) by S.B.H. Hurst
Occultists from India are taking over the world through mass hypnosis. Wherever the Indians go, people suddenly believe they are sheep. They lose their memories, take off their clothes and try to eat grass. Most of humanity starves to death.

Safe and Sane (1918) by Tod Robbins
In the year 1950, young people are addicted to twirling: spinning around on electric slippers until they’re dizzy and pass out. Meanwhile, in an underground vault beneath the Central Park Zoo, the United Millionaires of America are secretly meeting. They are tired of being lampooned by writers and artists and are conspiring to kill all the so-called geniuses in New York City. Their first victim is a policeman who writes poetry.

The Purple Death (1895) by William Livingston Alden Professor Schmidt, a bacteriologist, believes that the way to bring about economic equality is not by assassinating the capitalists, who are easily replaced, but by eliminating millions of workers, thereby creating a labour shortage that would increase wages. To this end, he concocts a deadly plague, the Purple Death, but dies before it can be set loose in the world.

A Psychical Experiment (1887) by B.F. Cresswell
Mark Darrell cannot decide which of two sisters to marry. One is beautiful but not bright, the other brilliant but plain. His scientist friend Ernest Marshall has invented a technique for transferring personalities and offers to experiment on the sisters. It is a success, but the super-sister he creates – beautiful and brilliant – rejects Mark, having decided to devote her life to entomology. He marries the now plain and not bright sister.

The Promoters: A Novel without a Woman (1904) by William Hawley Smith Tycoons have a plan to tilt the world’s axis, creating a real estate boom in Antarctica, by firing off a hundred thousand cannons in Nebraska.

Other Eyes than Mine (1926) by Ronald Arbuthnott Two Latin scholars, an Englishman and a German, bitter rivals, simultaneously publish biographies of the poet Persius that completely contradict each other. An Italian scholar publishes an article definitively proving that the Englishman was correct, but World War One has broken out and there is no way for the Englishman to find out if the German has admitted defeat. The German dies in the war. Years later, the Englishman still wonders if his triumph was ever acknowledged. With the help of a medium, he contacts the spirit of the German, but in the afterlife his rival says he doesn’t remember anyone named Persius.

The Man who Met Himself (1919) by Donovan Bayley Richard Panton falls down the stairs and is separated from his subliminal self, which takes the form of a midget. With this loss, Panton himself shrinks and becomes an identical midget. They argue. The midget Panton beats the subliminal midget to death and regains his usual size. Fortunately, Mrs Panton has been away the whole time. When she returns, everything is normal.

The Light in the Sky (1929) by Herbert Clock and Eric Boetzel Throughout his life, the unnamed narrator has glimpsed a beautiful woman, who vanishes when he approaches her. Finally, after the war, they meet in Paris; they dance; and she stabs him with a poisoned ring. He wakes in a vast underground city, populated by Aztecs who escaped the Conquest and have learned the secret of immortality. The woman is Montezuma’s daughter, and she explains that they have been watching the narrator since his birth, for he is the direct descendant of Cortés. Sacrificing him to the god Tezcatlipoca will launch the Aztec reconquest of Mexico.

Sep-05-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: The Immortals (1924) by Harold E. Scarborough
Dr Brusilov, who worked with Pasteur, has discovered that ageing is caused by a bacillus, which he names Senectutis brusilovis. He plans to manufacture and distribute a vaccine for it. But at a lecture promoting his miracle drug, he is interrupted by the Wandering Jew, who has been roaming the world for two thousand years, and who tells the audience it is miserable to be immortal.

A Hand from the Deep (1924) by Rombo Poole
Simon Glaze has lost his arm in an accident and is being treated by Dr Whitby. Now he is acting strangely, suddenly curling up or leaping back. Something is growing out of his stump and his head is changing shape. Dr Whitby, assuming the regenerative abilities of lower life forms, has injected Simon with lobster extract, and Simon is turning into a lobster.

The Flying Death (1902) by Samuel Hopkins Adams
Dr Richard Colton, vacationing in Montauk, stumbles across a series of seemingly impossible murders. He deduces that some of them are the work of an insane knife-thrower from the circus. Other deaths, however, cannot be explained until he comes across curious footprints on the beach. An earthquake has released a pteradon, a prehistoric flying reptile, from an underground cavern.

The Elixir of Hate (1911) by George Allan England Granville Dennison, who is terminally ill, rushes to the French villa of Dr Pagani, ‘Il Vecchio’, who has invented an elixir of life. Dennison steals the elixir. His health is restored, but he finds himself growing increasingly younger. He falls in love with Il Vecchio’s niece, but is soon too young for her. Exploring the villa, he discovers that the scientist has murdered scores of people for his experiments. He vows revenge, but must kill Il Vecchio before he turns into a baby.

The Dimension Terror (1928) by Edmond Hamilton
Harron is relaxing in Battery Park when suddenly the entire New York skyline collapses, killing millions. All of the iron and steel on earth has disappeared. The cause is a foolish young scientist, Harlan Graham, who has begun communicating with the inhabitants of a parallel universe. Following their instructions, he constructs a channel between their world and ours. Streams of giant cockroaches pour through the channel.

A Corner in Sleep (1900) by E.E. Kellett
The scientist Adolphus J. Vallancy’s morphometer has revealed that sleep is a kind of energy, and its amount is limited. Thus, one person’s deep sleep causes insomnia in another. Vallancy worries about the impending overpopulation of the world: too many people sleeping will cause a plague of sleeplessness.

Christ in Chicago (1926) by T.S. Stribling
A faith healer in future Chicago, who works among the poor, reveals that the desire to have children is not innate, but rather impelled by an outside force: the souls of the dead are eager to be reincarnated.

The Autobiography of a Malaria Germ (1900) by Theodore Waters A malaria germ tells its life story, thrillingly borne aloft by a mosquito, settling comfortably in a human body, then struggling against adversity in the form of quinine.

https://www.lrb.co.uk/v39/n17/eliot...

Sep-06-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp:
Heaven knows I tried with Watts
But he would not leave the tower.
In the white hot heat he rightfully stayed put
And in the smoke he resembled
A tugboat emerging from a luminous mist.

This had once been a beautiful person
With his own store of memories.
Touch him and he trembles into
A pile of embers.

Who can depict the victim with more realism?
A portrait of chaos
With a set of teeth
Stained with the effects of fire.

The next time you see fire, think of Watts,
Because in that fire resides his Holy Ghost.
There are graveyards where no body rots.
That seems unlikely, but thou never knowest.

Sep-09-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: For Pun of the Year:

<September 8: "The Perfect Sorin. D Sorm vs A Zienkiewicz, 2007 >

Sep-09-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: AM I alone in that when I imagine God I think of Terry Gilliam's animations for Monty Python?
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