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offramp
Member since Aug-16-03 · Last seen Jul-17-18
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<
MARK:
I’m sure you’ve run across articles about him in magazines. About how when he was a kid, he almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning huffing fumes from barbecue propane tanks, and how he was later diagnosed with having a monoamine oxidase A deficiency — what’s called a MAOA-deficiency — which made him abnormally belligerent …
WARDEN:
What made him abnormally belligerent, the deficiency or the diagnosis?
MARK:
Huh?
WARDEN:
Never mind.
MARK:
… so he was always in and out of reform schools and jails. But he developed into this incredibly ferocious player. And then the year after he won his first Ma Ling Masters, he was in a Koru’s Department Store, which is like the Bougainvillean equivalent of Sears, and he was buying a pair of maracas and the salesperson suggested that he purchase a service contract for the maracas, and Offramp very courteously declined — he’s normally a very soft-spoken, urbane person — but the clerk got increasingly aggressive about this service contract, and finally Offramp just lost it and bludgeoned him to death with the ceremonial war club he always carries around with him. So he had to leave the country and he missed two full seasons. And then when he came back, he was appearing on The Patimo Nambuka Show (which is like the Good Morning America of Bougainville), and an anaconda swallowed his mom in the green room.>

- Mark Leyner, The Tetherballs of Bougainville.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipe...

CR Wynn: "There are few mysteries on the internet. Offramp is one of them."
- Mamedyarov vs Topalov, 2017 (kibitz #11)

ColeTrane: "Offramp says a lot of garbage."
- H Mestre Bellido vs T Bakre, 2012 (kibitz #15)

Luzhin: "Offramp is writing from a secure unit where patients are well-treated by a team of dedicated professionals."
- Short vs E Blomqvist, 2017 (kibitz #12)

SirRuthless: "If you have a minute do a little research on King Leopold and his actions in the Belgian Congo. It's eye opening. Offramp chose that monster as his avatar and it was no accident. Wonderful human being this <offramp> is."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #82)

SirRuthless: "Ahh it's Albert Pike, my mistake. Sorry about that <offramp>. I'll leave my posts up as a lesson to anyone else who makes a similar mistake and a record of my error."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #88)

CARNIS AUTEM EST!

"Are you one of the frightened?"
- Boris Karloff

Voted Worst Fanirmod 10 years in a row.

Chess columnist of the <Weekly Northern Whig & Intelligencer>.

I am a noted expert on Teplitz-Schönau (1922) upon which I have written nine "Schönographs": learned disquisitions on that intriguing tournament. Available at www.lulu.com for $0.01 each.

Lead singer and guitarist of the Norwegian black metal band Dementert Freaks. Search for "I Wee-Wee On Your Jellyfish Sting."

A great passion of mine is to fire up the old Merlin GTS autogyro and take her up to about 5,500 metres. I take a laptop with me but I no longer post while airborne since one post made me laugh so hard that I crashed my gyrocopter.

I was born in Hong Kong and in 2005 I was required to complete National Service in the Chinese military. I was taught how to fly a Xian H-6 jet bomber. One of my missions was to carpet-bomb the town of Bishkek in Uzbekistan. A local chess tournament was taking place at the time and I later found out that I had killed 166 chess players which I believe to be the record.

I am an Honorary member of The Ancient and Honorable Artillery Company of Massachusetts and a Freeman of the City of Prince George, British Columbia and a Member of the Order of Skinner & PJ Proby's Horse and the Supreme Orator of the Order of the Acrimonious Virgin.

I have published an autobiography called <I BLEW A BILLION BUCKS ON BIKES BABES BARBITURATES BULLETS BOMBS AND BENONIS: <My Journey of Personal Discovery from Tunguska to Roswell Via Krakatoa and Hiroshima>>. It is available at Lulu.com for £0.01p.

I graduated from Lead City University, Hut 8, Zone B, Lagos, Nigeria with a thesis on speech act theory and moral language.

I once worked at LUSH and I have made a replica pistol out of black soap which I intend to present to Donald Trump when he visits Britain by jumping out of the crowd and handing it to him.

My philosophy is this:

Work like the ponies in coalmines.
Dance like the teardrop explodes.
Love like you're Frank in Blue Velvet.
Play chess like you're desperate to lose.

My Dad was Irish, but I am very English. In the following video I give advice on how to pronounce Flaming Nora. https://youtu.be/bVzkOK44YnE

My favourite players of all time are:
1 Frank James Marshall
2 Moshe Czerniak
3 Harry Nelson Pillsbury
4 Vladimir Simagin
5 Denis Khismatullin
6 Gustav Richard Neumann
7 Carl Theodor Goering
8 Rudolf Swiderski
9 Siegbert Tarrasch
10 Hugh Alexander Kennedy
11 Ernst Ludwig Klein.

My birthday is 29th March. I have two young children.

I am a lover of ecclesiastical architecture. I like Hawksmoor, Gibbs and Archer. In 2018 I'm hoping to visit both Santiago de Compostela and Rome. North France, as well. It is not easy because I never learned to drive a petrol vehicle, although I am trained to drive an electric train.

I spend many hours listening to Old-Time Radio (OTR). I also like pre-code comics.

>> Click here to see offramp's game collections.

Chessgames.com Full Member
   Current net-worth: 998 chessbucks
[what is this?]

   offramp has kibitzed 17061 times to chessgames   [more...]
   Jul-17-18 J K Duda vs R Wojtaszek, 2018 (replies)
 
offramp: 9. Nge2 with the idea of Nf4 and Ne6 followed by checkmate.
 
   Jul-17-18 offramp chessforum (replies)
 
offramp: <ChessHigherCat: Okay, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way: What are the 11 herbs and spices?> Dandelion, mace, tumbleweed, durian, chilli pips, vitreous humour, bladderwort, pissewracke, lanolin, salt and pepper.
 
   Jul-17-18 Kasparov vs Superstar 36K, 1985 (replies)
 
offramp: 36K might have been the price. Early chess computers were expensive gadgets.
 
   Jul-16-18 Dortmund (2018) (replies)
 
offramp: "Songs that please the ear and leave the mind alone..."
 
   Jul-16-18 OhioChessFan chessforum (replies)
 
offramp: Round 3 Kramnik - Meier 1-0 65 Duda - Wojtaszek 1-0 38 Nepomniachtchi - Nisipeanu 1/2 35 Giri - Kovalev 1/2 28
 
   Jul-16-18 Golden Executive chessforum (replies)
 
offramp: Round 3 Kramnik - Meier 1-0 Duda - Wojtaszek 1-0 Nepomniachtchi - Nisipeanu 1/2 Giri - Kovalev 1/2
 
   Jul-15-18 V Kovalev vs I Nepomniachtchi, 2018 (replies)
 
offramp: No. It is 4-2.
 
   Jul-15-18 WinKing chessforum (replies)
 
...
 
   Jul-14-18 Kramnik vs Nisipeanu, 2018 (replies)
 
offramp: He won’t win in theory. He will win by force majeure.
 
   Jul-13-18 S Boden vs Belaiev, 1867
 
offramp: I like Samuel Standidge Boden ‘s middle name. It sounds like a cheap fare on the Titanic as long as you did not sit or lie down.
 
(replies) indicates a reply to the comment.

The Sun & 13 Cantons

Kibitzer's Corner
< Earlier Kibitzing  · PAGE 41 OF 43 ·  Later Kibitzing>
Jun-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: 🃑 Ace of clubs.
Jun-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: CAPTION COMPETITION!!

Now that that stupid Team White v Team Black has finished I think we should have another stuopid Caption Competion.

CAPTION COMPETITION #3.
http://www.mobygames.com/images/cov...

yOU MUST PROVIDE AN URBANE, WITTY, not caps-lock-on punchline to that picture in six thousand words or less.

Any entries which seem like threats to murder or have sex with other members of chessgames.com will be excluded from the judging.

The guest judge is Morgan Freeman.

The winner will receive a single wheelchair-enabled step. This will build week-by-week into a complete set of wheelchair-enabled steps AND if you reply within the next two and a half weeks, you may be eligible for 1% off off my autobiography (see my profile).

ALSO, every time you include the hashtag #potemkin, the Ukrainian government-in-exile will donate one brass kopek towards my campaign to make the Primorsky Stairs (aka the Potemkin Steps) fully wheelchair accessible.

So have a punt. Winners will be announced at 5am on 25th June 2018.

Jun-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: "Responding to repeated appeals to monitor the Rogoff page, Daniel Freeman made the mistake of actually reading it..."
Jun-20-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Some other entries, made separately:

User: Sally Simpson:
<He liked to avoid contact with the press and the photographers.>

User: ChessHigherCat:
<It looks completely photoshopped! It reminds me of the album cover of Sergeant Pepper, Caruana looks like a white-bearded midget transvestite.>

User: WorstPlayerEver:
<For trolling purposes only.>

Jun-22-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp:
User: zanzibar:
<"Waiter, look about for a move! Mr. Staunton has lost it.">
Jun-22-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp:
<Signs of Trouble

A common structural flaw in college essays is the "walk-through" (also labelled "summary" or "description"). Walk-through essays follow the structure of their sources rather than establishing their own. Such essays generally have a descriptive thesis rather than an argumentative one ( - I'm not sure, but perhaps you are in disagreement with this assertion - ). Be wary of paragraph openers that lead off with "time" words ("first," "next," "after," "then") or "listing" words ("also," "another," "in addition"). Although they don't always signal trouble, these paragraph openers often indicate that an essay's thesis and structure need work: they suggest that the essay simply reproduces the chronology of the source text (in the case of time words: first this happens, then that, and afterwards another thing...) or simply lists example after example ("In addition, the use of colour indicates another way that the painting differentiates between good and evil").>

From "Harvard College Writing Center."

Jun-25-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <offramp:
CAPTION COMPETITION #3.
http://www.mobygames.com/images/cov...
Any entries which seem like threats to murder or have sex with other members of chessgames.com will be excluded from the judging.

The guest judge is Morgan Freeman. >

Morgan Freeman writes:

<<[In Morgan Freeman voice]> I was very honored to be asked to judge this historic caption competition. I know chess and I played chess with Tim Whatsisname on set of that film the Seersucker Rhododendron. But I didn't have sex with him.

In that respect Mr Offramp informs me that about a dozen entries had to be deleted owing to the sex/cannibalism thing that he mentioned. A pity really.

C'est la vie, say the old folk!

I read through all those entries and I had a very good laugh! This week's winner is User: Sally Simpson with this wonderful effort:

<Olga does this a few times, there is bug in there somewhere.>

Thanks to all who took part!>

Offramp writes:
<And thank you for being the judge, Daniel. There will be another CC soon, so keep an eye open.>

END TRANDMISSION

Jun-25-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: So well done, Geoff, User: Sally Simpson.

Your wheelchair-enabled step has been sent to
Mr G Chandler
c/o Poste Restante,
Pier Rd,
Gairloch
IV21 2BQ.

Please collect it within one month or it will be returned to the sender's address:
"The Republican Order for the Emancipation of Disabled Catholics",
c/o St Mary's Church
Abercrombie St
Glasgow G40.

Congratulations!

Jun-25-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Possibly the greatest games collection.

Game Collection: Ostend 1906

Amen.

Jun-28-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: [Event "Rated Blitz game"]
[Site "https://lichess.org/U9oO1v5L"]
[Date "2018.06.28"]
[Round "-"]
[White "offramp"]
[Black "Pandanoos"]
[Result "1-0"]
[UTCDate "2018.06.28"]
[UTCTime "13:22:06"]
[WhiteElo "1513"]
[BlackElo "1579"]
[WhiteRatingDiff "+13"]
[BlackRatingDiff "-12"]
[Variant "Standard"]
[TimeControl "300+3"]
[ECO "C41"]
[Opening "Philidor Defense"]
[Termination "Normal"]

1. e4 [%clk 0:05:00] e5 [%clk 0:05:00] 2. Nf3 [%clk 0:05:00] d6 [%clk 0:05:01] 3. d4 [%clk 0:05:00] Bg4 [%clk 0:05:02] 4. dxe5 [%clk 0:04:59] Bxf3 [%clk 0:05:03] 5. Qxf3 [%clk 0:05:01] dxe5 [%clk 0:05:05] 6. Bc4 [%clk 0:05:02] Qf6 [%clk 0:05:07] 7. Qb3 [%clk 0:05:01] b6 [%clk 0:05:07] 8. Nc3 [%clk 0:04:54] Bc5 [%clk 0:05:02] 9. O-O [%clk 0:04:50] c6 [%clk 0:05:01] 10. Be3 [%clk 0:04:44] Nd7 [%clk 0:05:01] 11. Rad1 [%clk 0:04:35] Ne7 [%clk 0:04:19] 12. Rd2 [%clk 0:03:46] O-O-O [%clk 0:04:03] 13. Ba6+ [%clk 0:03:31] Kc7 [%clk 0:03:55] 14. Na4 [%clk 0:03:17] Bd4 [%clk 0:02:59] 15. Rfd1 [%clk 0:02:50] Nc5 [%clk 0:02:23] 16. Nxc5 [%clk 0:02:07] Bxe3 [%clk 0:02:13] 17. Rd7+ [%clk 0:01:53] Rxd7 [%clk 0:02:00] 18. Rxd7+ [%clk 0:01:54] Kb8 [%clk 0:01:53] 19. Rb7+ [%clk 0:01:38] Ka8 [%clk 0:01:51] 20. fxe3 [%clk 0:01:21] bxc5 [%clk 0:01:46] 21. Rxa7+ [%clk 0:01:22] Kxa7 [%clk 0:01:47] 22. Qb7# [%clk 0:01:20] 1-0

Jun-29-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Sally Simpson: Hi Offramp,

Thank You, I feel honoured and overwhelmed. Think I'll pass on the wheelchair-enabled step up.

Jun-30-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Penguincw: < This is an outstanding educational tool. For example, if you have been having sleepless nights wondering about how to continue after 1. h2-h4 a7-a5 2. Ke2 >

Hope your opponent doesn't notice you captured your own pawn. ;)

(interesting starting position; must be one of those variants)

Jul-01-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <Penguincw:<...how to continue after 1. h2-h4 a7-a5 2. Ke2 >>

<Hope your opponent doesn't notice you captured your own pawn. ;)>

I had not noticed that! Time to recheck the integrity of the entire database.

See you in 2026! :-)

Jul-01-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: http://s3.spanglefish.com/s/4458/pi...
Jul-02-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: In between today's two football matches I have somehow started watching the film <Barry Munday>.

I was looking for Jerry Lewis's <Family Jewels> but Barry Munday came up as an alternative.

I really like Jerry Lewis, and I am trying to watch all his films.

Jul-06-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: Truly the funniest post on chessgames.com, and possibly the funniest post on the internet, is the following:

<offramp: Just before he died, I rubbed butter all over my Dad's back.

After that he went downhill very fast.>

Jul-06-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <thegoodanarchist>... LOL, thanks - I don't remember that one at all.

You, morfishine, chesshighercat, OhioCF....there are many others, very very funny people. This is a great site!

Jul-06-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: Indeed! It is a privilege and an honor for us all to have this site where we can say silly things and laugh.
Jul-06-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: In the spirit of light humor, I shall now prepare an essay on fractional reserve banking and the dichotomy of global economic development in the era of Keynesian monetary policy.
Jul-07-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Start of the <Tour de France> today, over in the west of France. Noirmoutier-en-l'Île to Fontenay-le-Comte. I'll bet the scenery will be beautiful.

I should know the places they pass through in stages 6, 7 and 8: that's the north area.

The whole tour is in France this year, except for a very short bit in Spain.

Jul-07-18  ketchuplover: early kudos on 15 years here :)
Jul-08-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: <ketchuplover: early kudos on 15 years here :)>

Yes, only <offramp> is insane enough to stay here that long...

er, wait a minute, ...

Jul-08-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: I had no idea that "Mario Fernandez" was Russian.

Is "Fernandez" a common Russian surname?

Jul-08-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  saffuna: Fernandes emigrated from Brazil.
Jul-08-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  WannaBe: Thats an interesting Tour this year. In the past they've started in England. Go to Belgium, Swiss then Spain Pyranees and finish in Paris.

Usually 3+ countries are involved.

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