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offramp
Member since Aug-16-03 · Last seen Dec-17-18
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<
MARK:
I’m sure you’ve run across articles about him in magazines. About how when he was a kid, he almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning huffing fumes from barbecue propane tanks, and how he was later diagnosed with having a monoamine oxidase A deficiency — what’s called a MAOA-deficiency — which made him abnormally belligerent …
WARDEN:
What made him abnormally belligerent, the deficiency or the diagnosis?
MARK:
Huh?
WARDEN:
Never mind.
MARK:
… so he was always in and out of reform schools and jails. But he developed into this incredibly ferocious player. And then the year after he won his first Ma Ling Masters, he was in a Koru’s Department Store, which is like the Bougainvillean equivalent of Sears, and he was buying a pair of maracas and the salesperson suggested that he purchase a service contract for the maracas, and Offramp very courteously declined — he’s normally a very soft-spoken, urbane person — but the clerk got increasingly aggressive about this service contract, and finally Offramp just lost it and bludgeoned him to death with the ceremonial war club he always carries around with him. So he had to leave the country and he missed two full seasons. And then when he came back, he was appearing on The Patimo Nambuka Show (which is like the Good Morning America of Bougainville), and an anaconda swallowed his mom in the green room.>

- Mark Leyner, The Tetherballs of Bougainville.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipe...

CR Wynn: "There are few mysteries on the internet. Offramp is one of them."
- Mamedyarov vs Topalov, 2017 (kibitz #11)

ColeTrane: "Offramp says a lot of garbage."
- H Mestre Bellido vs T Bakre, 2012 (kibitz #15)

Luzhin: "Offramp is writing from a secure unit where patients are well-treated by a team of dedicated professionals."
- Short vs E Blomqvist, 2017 (kibitz #12)

SirRuthless: "If you have a minute do a little research on King Leopold and his actions in the Belgian Congo. It's eye opening. Offramp chose that monster as his avatar and it was no accident. Wonderful human being this <offramp> is."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #82)

SirRuthless: "Ahh it's Albert Pike, my mistake. Sorry about that <offramp>. I'll leave my posts up as a lesson to anyone else who makes a similar mistake and a record of my error."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #88)

CARNIS AUTEM EST!

"Are you one of the frightened?"
- Boris Karloff

Voted Worst Fanirmod 10 years in a row.

Chess columnist of the <Weekly Northern Whig & Intelligencer>.

I am a noted expert on Teplitz-Schönau (1922) upon which I have written nine "Schönographs": learned disquisitions on that intriguing tournament. Available at www.lulu.com for $0.01 each.

Lead singer and guitarist of the Norwegian black metal band Dementert Freaks. Search for "I Wee-Wee On Your Jellyfish Sting."

A great passion of mine is to fire up the old Merlin GTS autogyro and take her up to about 5,500 metres. I take a laptop with me but I no longer post while airborne since one post made me laugh so hard that I crashed my gyrocopter.

I was born in Hong Kong and in 2005 I was required to complete National Service in the Chinese military. I was taught how to fly a Xian H-6 jet bomber. One of my missions was to carpet-bomb the town of Bishkek in Uzbekistan. A local chess tournament was taking place at the time and I later found out that I had killed 166 chess players which I believe to be the record.

I am an Honorary member of The Ancient and Honorable Artillery Company of Massachusetts and a Freeman of the City of Prince George, British Columbia and a Member of the Order of Skinner & PJ Proby's Horse and the Supreme Orator of the Order of the Acrimonious Virgin.

I have published an autobiography called <I BLEW A BILLION BUCKS ON BIKES BABES BARBITURATES BULLETS BOMBS AND BENONIS: <My Journey of Personal Discovery from Tunguska to Roswell Via Krakatoa and Hiroshima>>. It is available at Lulu.com for £0.01p.

I graduated from Lead City University, Hut 8, Zone B, Lagos, Nigeria with a thesis on speech act theory and moral language.

I once worked at LUSH and I have made a replica pistol out of black soap which I intend to present to Donald Trump when he visits Britain by jumping out of the crowd and handing it to him.

My philosophy is this:

Work like the ponies in coalmines.
Dance like the teardrop explodes.
Love like you're Frank in Blue Velvet.
Play chess like you're desperate to lose.

My Dad was Irish, but I am very English. In the following video I give advice on how to pronounce Flaming Nora. https://youtu.be/bVzkOK44YnE

My favourite players of all time are:
1 Frank James Marshall
2 Moshe Czerniak
3 Harry Nelson Pillsbury
4 Vladimir Simagin
5 Denis Khismatullin
6 Gustav Richard Neumann
7 Carl Theodor Goering
8 Rudolf Swiderski
9 Siegbert Tarrasch
10 Hugh Alexander Kennedy
11 Ernst Ludwig Klein.

My birthday is 29th March. I have two young children.

I am a lover of ecclesiastical architecture. I like Hawksmoor, Gibbs and Archer. In 2018 I'm hoping to visit both Santiago de Compostela and Rome. North France, as well. It is not easy because I never learned to drive a petrol vehicle, although I am trained to drive an electric train.

I spend many hours listening to Old-Time Radio (OTR). I also like pre-code comics.

>> Click here to see offramp's game collections.

Chessgames.com Full Member

   offramp has kibitzed 17920 times to chessgames   [more...]
   Dec-17-18 H Shearer
 
offramp: He worked in Woolloongabba as a sheep shearer. His brother C Shearer had a job poking the holes in doughnuts.
 
   Dec-17-18 Showalter vs Lasker, 1893
 
offramp: <Boomie>, well spotted. In the fifth diagram down. It's a pity cg.com allows no post-posting editing.
 
   Dec-17-18 offramp chessforum
 
offramp: <thegoodanarchist: What about <<<<This is Karpov whom Nigel Short beat on the way to becoming challenger for the World Championship crown,>>> maybe?> What is your English verdict on that?> Yeah! or <Maybe this is perhaps the Karpov what Nigel Short ...
 
   Dec-14-18 H Wolf vs Von Bardeleben, 1900 (replies)
 
offramp: I have never liked <Peter & The Wolf>. I first heard it in primary school. A teacher played it to us and as the instruments made their silly noises she was saying things like, <"Ooo look here comes a little bird... Here come's the big bad wolf... This is Peter skipping ...
 
   Dec-14-18 Dolmatov vs E Lobron, 1993 (replies)
 
offramp: An alternative PGN: [Event "Dortmund"] [Site "Dortmund GER"] [Date "1993.04.17"] [Round "7"] [White "Sergey Dolmatov"] [Black "Eric Lobron"] [Result "1-0"] [ECO "C09"] [WhiteElo "2615"] [BlackElo "2620"] [PlyCount "127"] [EventDate "1993.??.??"] 1.
 
   Dec-14-18 Miles vs Short, 1998 (replies)
 
offramp: [DIAGRAM] 24...Rb4 might have drawn.
 
   Dec-12-18 10th London Chess Classic (2018) (replies)
 
offramp: PhilFeeley you are famous on Chessbase. Your comment about that Indian geezer sounding like he's got marbles in his gob has been approved.
 
   Dec-12-18 Caruana vs Nakamura, 2018 (replies)
 
offramp: 25...axb5. [DIAGRAM] Caruana has a strong position! How about 26.Nxf7? [DIAGRAM] If now 26...Qxf7 27.Rh8+ wins the black queen. But instead Black can play 26...Be6! That might look like a winner: it is forking queen and knight, but White has just enough to keep the ...
 
   Dec-11-18 chessgames.com chessforum (replies)
 
offramp: Surely User: sugardoomed is a sugarcane farmer expecting a massive typhoon, and chose his name accordingly.
 
   Dec-10-18 Nimzowitsch vs L Steiner, 1927 (replies)
 
offramp: I think Aron Nimzowitsch was a jejune parvenu.
 
(replies) indicates a reply to the comment.

The Sun & 13 Cantons

Kibitzer's Corner
< Earlier Kibitzing  · PAGE 55 OF 55 ·  Later Kibitzing>
Nov-28-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Count Wedgemore: <For some players losing a WC match is a career-shatterer.>

It is quite striking how often this happens. Karjakin, too, has not performed particularly well since the 2016 match, compared to his results in the years preceding that match.

I wonder who will be the challenger in two years. Impossible to predict, of course, but it is fun to speculate. Caruana again? Or a Chinese player, Ding or Wei Yi, perhaps? Who knows, maybe Duda?

Nov-29-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: My field is the study of fossils from the Bonaparte Era.

I’m a Napœleontologist.

Nov-29-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: This will go down as one of the best ever short matches, roughly level with Lasker - Schlechter World Championship Match (1910).

There won't be many matches where there is only a 2 point Elo difference between the players.

There were no Pertroffs, no Berlins... There were Sicilians-a-go-go which can never be bad. There was also a very high move-average.

Both players missed wins in the first 12 games: that's chess. These guys are human.

IMO, Carlsen had the better of almost every classical game, and totally deserved to win.

In the end, if a disinterested observer was asked, "Who was the best chess player out of these two," there would only be one possible answer.

I am puzzled that Caruana speaks English with a European accent. I mean, he was born and brought up in Brooklyn so surely he should sound like the yank that he is.

Sadly, the 12 draws made chess look a bit stupid. Future matches should be:

<16 games, 40 moves in 100 minutes, then 15 minutes plus 5 seconds for the remaining moves>.

That's my opinion, Marty.

Nov-30-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Carlsen - Caruana World Championship Match (2018) (kibitz #2906)
Dec-01-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: The Germans are a very efficient nation of people. If they had been on our side in the war it would've been over in half the time.
Dec-01-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: < offramp: The Germans are a very efficient nation of people. If they had been on our side in the war it would've been over in half the time.>

The Falklands War? ;)

Dec-04-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I watched Coronation Street on purpose. I have been watching and listening to some Lancastrian comedians, such as Jimmy Clitheroe, Hylda Baker, Madge Hindle and Frank Randle, and I have decided that I have neglected the Mancunian half of my psyche for too long.

Manchester is a beautiful city and I don't go there often enough.

Dec-04-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: Seems to me that Sargon selects quite a number of his own puns for GOTD.
Dec-04-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <thegoodanarchist> That is because our beloved leader is so all-wise and benevolent, showering us with pearls of his benevolent and wise humour.
*****
I saw an old post of mine today:
H Mestre Bellido vs T Bakre, 2012 (kibitz #5)

<offramp: ...In 1985 the Texas Street/Highways Interstate Tidying Service collected 286,994,034 items of "non-scheduled human-interfaced trash" from the streets of Texas.

In 1990 they collected just a single piece: a copy of Anatoly Karpov's <Learn From Your Defeats>.>
******
To my surprise, no one noticed the two acrimonious acronyms hidden therein.

Dec-05-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: There is a Dutch ghetto in the east of Limoges called Limoges-Oost, at least I THINK that’s the right word for it.
Dec-06-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I hate Russian dolls. They are so full of themselves.
Dec-07-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Very funny, Senor <offramp>

I noticed you did not take my offer:

thegoodanarchist chessforum (kibitz #1284)

Dec-09-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: https://mobile.twitter.com/lifemast...

A blast from the past. It’s Goldsby.

Dec-14-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp:
INCREDIBLY ANNOYING TURN-OF-PHRASE

<This is Karpov whom Nigel Short beat on the way to becoming challenger for the World Championship crown, yes?>

Sometimes people use the opposite construction with the same meaning:

<This is Karpov whom Nigel Short beat on the way to becoming challenger for the World Championship crown, no?>

Why do people use this weird Bond-villain construction?

It wastes time, no?

There is a better way of writing it, yes?

Yes.

<Is this the Karpov whom Nigel Short beat on the way to becoming challenger for the World Championship crown?>

How simple is that? And you don't sound like an idiot European who learnt English in a phone box.

The <whom> is also wrong, but that's a different thing.

Dec-14-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: <How simple is that? And you don't sound like an idiot European who learnt English in a phone box.>

What's a phone box? The box your iPhone arrived in?

Dec-14-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Count Wedgemore: <offramp: And you don't sound like an idiot European who learnt English in a phone box.>

With all due respect, <offramp>, who are the real idiots? Perhaps the many native English speakers who couldn't learn a 2nd language if their lives depended on it, and who often, DON'T EVEN SPEAK OR WRITE ENGLISH (their native tongue) VERY WELL. Remember: all the non-native English.speakers here on <CG> at least speak TWO languages (as opposed to the large majority of native English speakers here, speaking only ONE..)

Try to learn Norwegian, <offie>. And learn to speak and write it well. Then come back to me.

Dec-14-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Tiggler: <offramp: Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I watched Coronation Street on purpose. I have been watching and listening to some Lancastrian comedians, such as Jimmy Clitheroe, Hylda Baker, Madge Hindle and Frank Randle, and I have decided that I have neglected the Mancunian half of my psyche for too long.>

You forgot to mention the head of that family: George Formby, https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipe... with his little ukelele in his hands.

And, <thegoodanarchist>, this is a phonebox: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct....

It is the very one from which Peter Riegert called Burt Lancaster in the landmark movie Local Hero: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Local...

Dec-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <Count Wedgemore> I only ever criticize people who I know to be native English speakers: I did not name him in this case.

He was using a construction that one normally only hears from the mouths of German villains in British war movies, and I found it baffling that a native English-speaker would use it.

Apart from English I speak French and Castilian. I am pretty good in German but at my advanced years (see photo) I am not likely to take up another language.

Dec-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <Tiggler> George Formby was great but a bit too much of a wazzock for my liking.

His Dad was almost as famous, and he recorded the British version of the American comic song, "Lucky Jim", which gave its name to the book by Kingsley Amis.

<Jim and I as children played together,
Best of friends for many years were we
I, alas! had no luck, was a Jonah,
Jim, my chum, was lucky as could be.
Oh lucky Jim, how I envy him!

Years passed by, still Jim and I were comrades.
He and I both loved the same sweet maid.
She loved Jim, and married him one evening.
Jim was lucky, I unlucky stayed.
Oh lucky Jim, how I envy him!

Years rolled on, and death away took Jim, boys
Left the widow, and she married me.
Now we're married, oft I think of him, boys,
Sleeping in the churchyard, by the sea.
Oh lucky Jim, how I envy him!>

He is envious of the dead geezer because he has some peace from that monstrous harridan wife of his!

Dec-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I listen to old American radio shows from the 1940s and 1950s.

They talk about mink coats costing $3,000 to $5,000. That’s 70 years ago. How much is that now?

Today I read <“secondhand mink coats can be bought online for £40.’>

Forty quid!

Surprisingly, the most planet-friendly type of fur is animal fur. Fake fur is plastic and takes quadrillions of millennia to biodegrade, unless you put a match to it.

Best thing is to avoid any fur whatsoever. Wear cotton or wool.

Dec-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: But not cotton wool.
Dec-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: My complaint was against native English speakers who use this particular phraseology which makes them sound like Europeans.

I suppose I shouldn’t have said idiot Europeans. I am a European myself.

If you look, you’ll see that I ONLY criticise the English of people born in Britain or the USA.

Dec-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  zanzibar: Know what I find incredibly annoying?

Even more than

<INCREDIBLY ANNOYING TURN[s]-OF-PHRASE>?

(Wait for it...)

All caps.

.

Dec-16-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: What about

<<<<This is Karpov whom Nigel Short beat on the way to becoming challenger for the World Championship crown,>>> maybe?>

What is your English verdict on that?

Dec-17-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <thegoodanarchist: What about <<<<This is Karpov whom Nigel Short beat on the way to becoming challenger for the World Championship crown,>>> maybe?>

What is your English verdict on that?>

Yeah! or

<Maybe this is perhaps the Karpov what Nigel Short of beat on the way to bean challenger for the World Championship crown, innit maybe yes no no yes???>

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