Dedicated to celebrating the lighter side of chessgames.com, a collection of memorable quotes and puns.
Every kibitzer is welcome and in fact encouraged to post funny quotes he/she finds around the site.
However, please refrain from having discussions in this forum and making "irrelevant" posts, since I will generally delete them. Also, please don't post quotes that are in clear violation of the general posting guidelines.>
Other pages worth visiting:
Odd Lie, City of Moscow,
The <MEMORABLE CHESSGAMES.COM <> KIBITZERS' QUOTES>:
<soberknight>'s "Storey" of biblical proportions at Charles H Storey
<tpstar>'s epic "Kramniad" at John Homer Stapfer
<beatgiant, Mar-04-05, T Bush vs A Carter, 1976 >:
T Bush: "It's clearly a chess ratings report. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
Kenneth Regan: "I've outlawed the Russian Defense. We begin pawn storming in five minutes."
A Carter: "Chess is the moral equivalent of war."
Ford: "There is no Russian domination of chess."
Thomas Nixon: "I received one more gift after the election. Besides Checkers, the dog, I also got Chess, the cat."
Kennedy: "Ich bin Hans Berliner!"
<Abaduba, Apr-17-05, T Bush vs A Carter, 1976 >:
Thomas Jefferson Bryan: "All pawns are created equal and endowed with the inalienable right to life, liberty, and two squares on their first move."
Jamie Walter Adams: "Liberty cannot be preserved without a general knowledge of opening theory."
Jackson: "The wisdom of man never yet contrived an opening system that would operate with perfect equality."
<TheSlid, Mar-18-05, The World vs Kosteniuk, 2004 >:
So what did precipitate the End of the World? Was it nuclear war, a huge meteor, or was it 18.Bd3?
<tpstar, May-26-05, Garry Kasparov >:
In their infinite wisdom, they're trying to clamp down on tooth jokes to 1) prevent moral decay 2) make sure this page doesn't become one giant cavity.
Mad props on the refreshed picture. Looks like GK got a few molar equivalents of bleach.
<DP12, Jun-12-05, Vladimir Kramnik >:
Kramnik does not paint, he draws.
<ruylopez900, Apr-17-04, Janosevic vs Geller, 1968 >:
chessgames.com has this as A00 Uncommon Opening. While this is true I think ECO should expand itself to include this opening. What do you think of <Chess Game Declined, ECO Code F00>?
<Ezzy, Jun-23-05, The Kibitzer's Café >
There is no shame in spending hours a day on the greatest of all games. If you want to enjoy the game even more, then do what I did:
Do not get married (or get a divorce immediately), as there is no time for the folly of companionship, when there is chess to be played!!
Sell your children to slavery, or have them adopted!! - because you don't want them whinging in your ear while you are trying to concentrate on monday's puzzle!
Renounce all friendships!! - There just isn't enough time for these. How can you possibly waste time in socialising, when the complexities of the Najdorf Sicilian, is more than enough to keep you occupied!!
Finally, you must renounce your parents! Because it's their bloody fault that you became a "chessnut boasting in a open foyer"!
Sorry, it's not quite final. We should all renounce <chessgames.com> for irresponsibly encouraging us all to participate on their website, with no thought whatsoever, to how and why they are tearing families and frienships apart!
LOOK!! I'VE GOT A CHESS GAME TO PLAY. SO WILL YOU ALL JUST P*** OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!
<Knight13, Sep-09-04, N Zhukova vs Areshchenko, 2004 >:
Pawns are better than rooks in the endgame. So both have 1 rook. That means it's gonna be a check or pawn kill.
Nice Drawn game.
(don't miss the according rebuttals)
<offramp, Dec-28-04, Lembit Oll >:
Pity he didn't die from an overdose of Nembutal.
<korger, Jul-10-05, Lembit Oll >:
(But that's actually a picture of 'Weird Al' Yankovic!)
I wonder if he was taunted with the nickname "Weird Oll" in high school.
<chessgames.com, Nov-16-04, Marshall vs Pillsbury, 1904 >:
We removed that message because the link pointed to a pornographic site.
<An Englishman, Nov-18-04>:
Dear chessgames: Thank you for removing that link. No, the link used to be correct...
That 'link' as you call it has changed my life... I used to be a Roman Catholic...
<dr eales, Jun-10-04, Raymond Keene >:
IN DEFENCE OF RAY KEENE
I also happen to believe that what looks like a concerted attack on Ray by a number of writers too scared to reveal their true identities is in direct violation of rule 3 of the posting guidelines prohibiting personal attacks!
Unless Keene is a member there's no contravention of rule 3.
<ray keene, Jun-10-04>:
The real Ray Keene is here
<Shadout Mapes, Jun-11-04>:
Wow ughaibu, I bet you didn't see this one coming.
<azaris, Mar-04-05, T Nixon vs S Williams, 2002 >:
"I am not A Crook!"
(about what Nixon said after the game)
<acirce, Mar-09-05, Rustam Kasimdzhanov >:
(did Kasimdzhanov even have a single position in this tournament where he had anything remotely resembling an advantage?)
Yes, he was White in six games.
<WannaBe, May-10-05, Michael Bond >:
My Gosh, Bond is +0 =0 and -002.
That makes him an 005?!
<tpstar, Aug-02-05, Charles Gauche >:
Hey wait! Where did the BRA go?! Guys, you really need to get permission before taking someone's BRA off. :)
(the player's "name" used to be Charles Gauche BRA)
Successive posts by <ughaibu, Geller vs A Kapengut, 1971 >
A beautiful finish to this one.
I must say I agree about that, 22.Rd4 is great stuff.
(thanks to <aragorn69> for pointing it out)
<Jaymthetactician, Aug-23-05, Boris Spassky >:
I dont think theres a rating inflation, it's just that today's players are much stronger then the past. Evidenced by how the further back in time you go, the lower the world champion is rated. For example: If Botvinnik was 2500 later on, then Alekhine would only be rated around 2000 nowaday's, with Steinitz being about 1800, and Morphy being around 1500, Anderssen I think would 1300, while Philidor might be 1250.
<azaris, Aug-28-05>: If Philidor was put in a time machine and sent to our time, he would be a strong IM.
If jaymthetactician was put in a time machine and sent to Philidor's time, it would be a blessing to us all.
<TheSlid, Sep-29-05, Topalov vs Anand, 2005 >:
<BishopBerkeley: In India, many poor people play Chess.>
All over the world many people play chess poorly!
<LIFE Master AJ, recurrent>:
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
<Monoceros, Oct-04-05, Judit Polgar vs Topalov, 2005 >:
<Monoceros> You're right. I was thinking of ...
<notsodeepthought, Dec-02-05, Odd Lie >:
<New User>: Hello AJ, I noticed that you took part at tournament ___, can you tell us about it? Also, if you feel like a game, let me know and I'll tell you where to look me up.
<Nude Abuser>, what do you mean by "Hello"? Are you a Life Master, or at least a GM, that you can talk to me just like that? What's YOUR rating? I bet you don't even have a home page on this site. And no, I don't play on the internet, because internet chess players are cheaters, especially YOU, since you all use computers. That's what my old sergeant in the Army told me. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.
<RolandTesh, Dec-03-05, The Kibitzer's Café >: Here is a joke Hydra recently told Shredder:
That one always gets me :-)
<chessgames.com, Dec-13-05, The Kibitzer's Café >:
The conclusion of the Roland Tesh's premium account Christmas presents are here...
We just sent out 32 emails to each winner...
however, we can't send emails to people who didn't win. (Sorry about that, we just don't have the resources.)...
A Lein vs T Palmer, 2004, Robert James Fischer, Kramnik-Leko World Championship Match (2004)
<tpstar, Jul-19-05, Leonard J Johnson >:
Possible advertising slogans for Chess Viagra:
"I've fallen - and I can't get it up!"
"Prepare to mate on Knight One"
"Use whenever your piece is hanging"
Continued in the forum below...