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Memorable Quotes
Member since Jun-28-05 · Last seen Jan-04-18
Dedicated to celebrating the lighter side of, a collection of memorable quotes and puns.


Every kibitzer is welcome and in fact encouraged to post funny quotes he/she finds around the site.

However, please refrain from having discussions in this forum and making "irrelevant" posts, since I will generally delete them. Also, please don't post quotes that are in clear violation of the general posting guidelines.>


Other pages worth visiting:

Odd Lie, City of Moscow, Beer, Oleg Romanishin, anything else ?



<soberknight>'s "Storey" of biblical proportions at Charles H Storey

<tpstar>'s epic "Kramniad" at John Homer Stapfer

<beatgiant, Mar-04-05, T Bush vs A Carter, 1976 >:

T Bush: "It's clearly a chess ratings report. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

Kenneth Regan: "I've outlawed the Russian Defense. We begin pawn storming in five minutes."

A Carter: "Chess is the moral equivalent of war."

Ford: "There is no Russian domination of chess."

Thomas Nixon: "I received one more gift after the election. Besides Checkers, the dog, I also got Chess, the cat."

Kennedy: "Ich bin Hans Berliner!"

<Abaduba, Apr-17-05, T Bush vs A Carter, 1976 >:

Thomas Jefferson Bryan: "All pawns are created equal and endowed with the inalienable right to life, liberty, and two squares on their first move."

Jamie Walter Adams: "Liberty cannot be preserved without a general knowledge of opening theory."

Jackson: "The wisdom of man never yet contrived an opening system that would operate with perfect equality."

<TheSlid, Mar-18-05, The World vs Kosteniuk, 2004 >:

So what did precipitate the End of the World? Was it nuclear war, a huge meteor, or was it 18.Bd3?

<tpstar, May-26-05, Garry Kasparov >:

In their infinite wisdom, they're trying to clamp down on tooth jokes to 1) prevent moral decay 2) make sure this page doesn't become one giant cavity.

Mad props on the refreshed picture. Looks like GK got a few molar equivalents of bleach.

<DP12, Jun-12-05, Vladimir Kramnik >:

Kramnik does not paint, he draws.

<ruylopez900, Apr-17-04, Janosevic vs Geller, 1968 >: has this as A00 Uncommon Opening. While this is true I think ECO should expand itself to include this opening. What do you think of <Chess Game Declined, ECO Code F00>?

<Ezzy, Jun-23-05, The Kibitzer's Café >

There is no shame in spending hours a day on the greatest of all games. If you want to enjoy the game even more, then do what I did:

Do not get married (or get a divorce immediately), as there is no time for the folly of companionship, when there is chess to be played!!

Sell your children to slavery, or have them adopted!! - because you don't want them whinging in your ear while you are trying to concentrate on monday's puzzle!

Renounce all friendships!! - There just isn't enough time for these. How can you possibly waste time in socialising, when the complexities of the Najdorf Sicilian, is more than enough to keep you occupied!!

Finally, you must renounce your parents! Because it's their bloody fault that you became a "chessnut boasting in a open foyer"!

Sorry, it's not quite final. We should all renounce <> for irresponsibly encouraging us all to participate on their website, with no thought whatsoever, to how and why they are tearing families and frienships apart!


<Knight13, Sep-09-04, N Zhukova vs Areshchenko, 2004 >:

Pawns are better than rooks in the endgame. So both have 1 rook. That means it's gonna be a check or pawn kill.

Nice Drawn game.

(don't miss the according rebuttals)

<offramp, Dec-28-04, Lembit Oll >:

Pity he didn't die from an overdose of Nembutal.

(a drug)

<korger, Jul-10-05, Lembit Oll >:

(But that's actually a picture of 'Weird Al' Yankovic!)

I wonder if he was taunted with the nickname "Weird Oll" in high school.

<, Nov-16-04, Marshall vs Pillsbury, 1904 >:



We removed that message because the link pointed to a pornographic site.


<An Englishman, Nov-18-04>:

Dear chessgames: Thank you for removing that link. No, the link used to be correct...

<offramp, Nov-18-04>:

That 'link' as you call it has changed my life... I used to be a Roman Catholic...

<dr eales, Jun-10-04, Raymond Keene >:



I also happen to believe that what looks like a concerted attack on Ray by a number of writers too scared to reveal their true identities is in direct violation of rule 3 of the posting guidelines prohibiting personal attacks!


<ughaibu, Jun-10-04>:

Unless Keene is a member there's no contravention of rule 3.

<ray keene, Jun-10-04>:

The real Ray Keene is here


<Shadout Mapes, Jun-11-04>:

Wow ughaibu, I bet you didn't see this one coming.

<azaris, Mar-04-05, T Nixon vs S Williams, 2002 >:

"I am not A Crook!"

(about what Nixon said after the game)

<acirce, Mar-09-05, Rustam Kasimdzhanov >:

(did Kasimdzhanov even have a single position in this tournament where he had anything remotely resembling an advantage?)

Yes, he was White in six games.

<WannaBe, May-10-05, Michael Bond >:

My Gosh, Bond is +0 =0 and -002.
That makes him an 005?!

<tpstar, Aug-02-05, Charles Gauche >:

Hey wait! Where did the BRA go?! Guys, you really need to get permission before taking someone's BRA off. :)

(the player's "name" used to be Charles Gauche BRA)

Successive posts by <ughaibu, Geller vs A Kapengut, 1971 >

<ughaibu, Mar-10-04>:

A beautiful finish to this one.

<ughaibu, Aug-11-05>:

I must say I agree about that, 22.Rd4 is great stuff.

(thanks to <aragorn69> for pointing it out)

<Jaymthetactician, Aug-23-05, Boris Spassky >:

I dont think theres a rating inflation, it's just that today's players are much stronger then the past. Evidenced by how the further back in time you go, the lower the world champion is rated. For example: If Botvinnik was 2500 later on, then Alekhine would only be rated around 2000 nowaday's, with Steinitz being about 1800, and Morphy being around 1500, Anderssen I think would 1300, while Philidor might be 1250.

<azaris, Aug-28-05>: If Philidor was put in a time machine and sent to our time, he would be a strong IM.

If jaymthetactician was put in a time machine and sent to Philidor's time, it would be a blessing to us all.

<TheSlid, Sep-29-05, Topalov vs Anand, 2005 >:

<BishopBerkeley: In India, many poor people play Chess.>

All over the world many people play chess poorly!

<LIFE Master AJ, recurrent>:

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

<Monoceros, Oct-04-05, Judit Polgar vs Topalov, 2005 >:

<Monoceros> You're right. I was thinking of ...


<notsodeepthought, Dec-02-05, Odd Lie >:

<New User>: Hello AJ, I noticed that you took part at tournament ___, can you tell us about it? Also, if you feel like a game, let me know and I'll tell you where to look me up.

<Nude Abuser>, what do you mean by "Hello"? Are you a Life Master, or at least a GM, that you can talk to me just like that? What's YOUR rating? I bet you don't even have a home page on this site. And no, I don't play on the internet, because internet chess players are cheaters, especially YOU, since you all use computers. That's what my old sergeant in the Army told me. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.

P.S. Nyuk

<RolandTesh, Dec-03-05, The Kibitzer's Café >: Here is a joke Hydra recently told Shredder:

101011- 101110001001010100010000100001000100011010110010- 101110- 101010010001001000100010011110100010110101001010- 110000- 0100001000!

That one always gets me :-)

<, Dec-13-05, The Kibitzer's Café >:

The conclusion of the Roland Tesh's premium account Christmas presents are here...

We just sent out 32 emails to each winner...

however, we can't send emails to people who didn't win. (Sorry about that, we just don't have the resources.)...

<tpstar, various>:

A Lein vs T Palmer, 2004, Robert James Fischer, Kramnik - Leko World Championship Match (2004)

<tpstar, Jul-19-05, Leonard J Johnson >:

Possible advertising slogans for Chess Viagra:

"I've fallen - and I can't get it up!"

"Prepare to mate on Knight One"

"Use whenever your piece is hanging"


Continued in the forum below...

>> Click here to see Memorable Quotes's game collections. Full Member

   Memorable Quotes has kibitzed 31 times to chessgames   [more...]
   Sep-27-17 TheAlchemist chessforum (replies)
Memorable Quotes: Moved over for further discussion: Sep-27-17 <offramp>: <TheAlchemist> Perhaps you should add a single proviso: <The quote should have the potential be memorable to more than one person.>
   Sep-27-17 Memorable Quotes chessforum (replies)
Memorable Quotes: Just to correct my previous mistake, reposted: <Dr Winston OBoogie>: <saffuna: <<Bobsterman>, did you notice that Trump's speech at the UN was strong, very manly and well received by respected leaders around the world?> <The president of Nambia ...
   Feb-03-06 Beer (replies)
Memorable Quotes: Finally, I have completed Game Collection: The Punishment . You're welcome to have a look!
(replies) indicates a reply to the comment.

Memorable CG Kibitzers' Quotes

Kibitzer's Corner
< Earlier Kibitzing  · PAGE 28 OF 49 ·  Later Kibitzing>
Premium Chessgames Member
  malthrope: This was simply too good to pass up. ;)

In reply back to...

<A Karpov Fan: Is this the Twilight Zone?>

A reply immediately followed...

<Red October: no.. this is the Q Continuum

the Twilight Zone is the Fischer page>

Fascinating... To which a subtle retort was then quickly dispatched.

<A Karpov Fan: okay <Red>, my apologies to Q of course, I wouldn't want to offend an entity with the power to manipulate matter and time at whim (but which also seems to be at the mercy of male pattern baldness) :-)>


All of this superfluity can be found on page 22 of the < ? > chessforum. :P

- Mal

Dec-20-09  Manic: Leko vs Radjabov, 2006

<jackmandoo: If I were white I'd march my king to to queenside, unfortunately I'm hispanic.>

Dec-23-09  Birthday Boy: Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas to all, it was a pleasure reading these quotes =)

Once again Happy Birthday and a Merry Christmas to all =)

Premium Chessgames Member
  WannaBe: <capatal: <Proper Chess Attitude #101>: It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. >
Premium Chessgames Member
  arsen387: <eric the Baptist: Spanish game Berlin Defense? I thought this was a Ruy Lopez Madrid dragon defense accelrated variation, Jones gambit declined (reaccepted)w/a delayed Gladue attack kingside longwhip with a double half-twist. I could be wrong though.> from Grischuk vs D Jakovenko, 2009
Premium Chessgames Member
  technical draw: <ycbaywtb: how would using steroids affect a chess player?>

<Phony Benoni>I know one thing. We're not playing blitz with <my> clock.

Premium Chessgames Member
  TheAlchemist: Almost overlooked this gem by <tpstar>:

Steinitz vs Zukertort / Bird / Hoff, 1880 (part 1)

Steinitz vs Zukertort / Bird / Hoff, 1880 (part 2)

Vintage Tony!

Premium Chessgames Member
  arsen387: <crwynn: <HeMateMe: At 30....Qxg3, Naka seems to have some chances, rough equality. Has anyone evaluated the position with Rybka or Fritz, to see if Naka could have eked out a draw, or is it hopeless?>

I just evaluated it by counting the pawns. It's hopeless.>

from Kramnik vs Nakamura, 2010

Premium Chessgames Member
  Karpova: From Carlsen-Kramnik, Wijk an der Zee, 2010
Carlsen vs Kramnik, 2010

cielodrive10050: <Danilov is bulgarian...and he knows something about russian tricks (fischer and Korknjoy knew too..) all he did was protect Topalov against the accusation of cheating...the russians had said that Topalov was cheating...5 years later Topalov is still over 2800 so it proves he was not cheating>

acirce: <<cielodrive> I agree, Danailov is Bulgarian.>

Jan-30-10  TheBB: From Corus 2010.

<metatron2: --- [Anand calling Carlsen sometime in Nov 2009] ---

Anand: Hi Magnus I have an offer for you.

Carlsen: I am listening.

Anand: If you agree to be my second during my match with Topalov, I will help you win Corus 2010.

Carlsen: And how exactly are you going to do that?

Anand: Simple, I will beat your main rivals but draw with everybody else, so that I won't become your rival myself.

Carlsen: OK sounds good to me, just keep this between us.

--- [After Anand's interview] ---

Carlsen: Why did you say that Vishi, didn't we agree keeping it confidential?

Anand: Ooops you are right.. Don't worry, I'll just tell them that I was talking about Nielsen..

--- [Tonight, after R12] ---

Anand: OK, Magnus I did my part of the deal, hope you are ready to start diving into some deep preparations.

Carlsen: Of course, do you want me to consult with Kaspy as well?

Anand: Nah, Lets give Topa some theoretical chance in this match, you know for the sake of sportsmanship..>

Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: Have to give some background. During a livegame of Van Wely - Shirov, Chessgames mistakenly showed the first few moves of Nakamura-Carlsen, a Spanish opening. Then they correctly flipped back to Van Wely - Shirov, an English opening.

<Domdaniel: Ah, the *Armada Gambit* -- suddenly transposing from the Spanish to the English. >

Premium Chessgames Member
  whatthefat: From the Nakamura page, Feb-09-10:

<Shams: whoever is to blame for me having <doctor frogbert>, to the tune of the Beatles' <Doctor Roberts>, stuck in my head-- I hope you're happy.>

Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: From Anna Zatonskih

<Travis Bickle: Congratulations Anna Z!! 8.5/9 What an oustanding score!!! I used to play blitz with you on the old WCN. Do you remember? ; P >

<OpenDefence: <Travis> I never thought you were the Blitz and Tell type ;-p >

Premium Chessgames Member
  Annie K.: Topalov vs V Gashimov, 2010

shreyaslathi: isnt it gashimov is voerated thn actually he is

Troller: <shreyaslathi: isnt it gashimov is voerated thn actually he is> Say what??!

tamar: <Rtoller> Eh si asying htat agshimov si na voerated lpayer.

Premium Chessgames Member
  TheAlchemist: E Sledge

Like the song, simply brilliant.

Premium Chessgames Member
  TheAlchemist: <HeMateMe>: I thought I recognized a couple of the Canadien female players from the "Hunk of the Month" calendar i saw on sale at the dollar store.

Neil Young performing at the closing ceremonies:

My My Hey Hey
Canada hockey is herrrrre to stay

Its better to wrist one
that try a fade awaaaay

when into OT
'gainst the USA

My My Hey Hey
This was a Sidney CROSBY day

Better switch lines than to
play all DAAAY

when we play hockey
on olympic day

<Jim Bartle>: Nice. I guess Neil was helped on that song by Crosby, Staal and Nash.

Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: From the Zsuzsa Polgar page:

<walker: what's wrong with making money?>

<DrCurmudgeon: The Feds will send you up the river for counterfeiting.>

Premium Chessgames Member
  WannaBe: From page: chessforum

< ...

<BobCrisp: I'm wondering roughly how many games are submitted on average each week by users via the PGN upload utility.> Oh, either about a hundred or a thousand, depending on whether Benzol is busy. ;-)>

Premium Chessgames Member
  TheAlchemist: Uhlmann vs Fischer, 1966
Premium Chessgames Member
  SwitchingQuylthulg: Instant classic, no matter what you personally think of Topalov:

<Nigel Short: I understand Toppy's strategy perfectly well, even if I don't necessarily agree with it. He is not a terribly sophisticated person, to be honest. Football seems to be his main cultural interest. One should therefore not be too surprised if his match strategy should also be similarly lacking in finesse. He basically wants to hit his opponent on the head with a hamster.>

Topalov vs Anand, 2010

Premium Chessgames Member
  TheAlchemist: I Dragan vs P Lukacs, 1987
Premium Chessgames Member
  WannaBe: From Odd Lie page,

<May-11-10 tamar: 9. Knew Open Defence would spiral out of control binge drinking if he lost. >

Premium Chessgames Member
  jessicafischerqueen: BEST POST OF 2010

acirce: <Susan Polgar: <47.Kxg2??... I do not understand why Topalov played 47. Kxg2 so quickly when 47. Rf7+ was in play.> This comment surprises me. 47.Kxg2 Would have lead to a easy win Pawn ending for Black, while with the actual continuation resists a few moves more. Topalov took the right decision, though he is still lost anyway.>

Does Susan even look at the board at all when she comments?

May-12-10  hms123: <SufferingBruin: <TrueBlue> I disagree entirely. You can find plenty of objective comments on this or any other board. For example: it's an objective fact that Danailov does not breathe oxygen but sulfur. No one disputes that he is humanoid but there is plenty of disagreement as to whether he is, in fact, a carbon-based life form (I say no). While it is an open debate as to whether Topalov performed a ritual animal sacrifice with a cow or a goat, there is but no question that in order to secure Danailov's support, the blood of some mammal was needed.

So please don't mistake those of us who are cheering on Anand as having a man-crush on Anand. It's just that, in looking at the evidence objectively, what else were we to do?>

Topalov vs Anand, 2010

Premium Chessgames Member
  whiteshark: <tamar> on Friedrich Samisch:

<thegoodanarchist: He was married once. But after a long time away, he arrived home to find an invitation to lecture on chess. His suitcase was still packed, so he took off for the trip. When he returned home months later (!) he found that he was no longer married.>

The note said: "Friedrich, I felt a compulsion to move."

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