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offramp
Member since Aug-16-03 · Last seen Nov-19-18
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<
MARK:
I’m sure you’ve run across articles about him in magazines. About how when he was a kid, he almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning huffing fumes from barbecue propane tanks, and how he was later diagnosed with having a monoamine oxidase A deficiency — what’s called a MAOA-deficiency — which made him abnormally belligerent …
WARDEN:
What made him abnormally belligerent, the deficiency or the diagnosis?
MARK:
Huh?
WARDEN:
Never mind.
MARK:
… so he was always in and out of reform schools and jails. But he developed into this incredibly ferocious player. And then the year after he won his first Ma Ling Masters, he was in a Koru’s Department Store, which is like the Bougainvillean equivalent of Sears, and he was buying a pair of maracas and the salesperson suggested that he purchase a service contract for the maracas, and Offramp very courteously declined — he’s normally a very soft-spoken, urbane person — but the clerk got increasingly aggressive about this service contract, and finally Offramp just lost it and bludgeoned him to death with the ceremonial war club he always carries around with him. So he had to leave the country and he missed two full seasons. And then when he came back, he was appearing on The Patimo Nambuka Show (which is like the Good Morning America of Bougainville), and an anaconda swallowed his mom in the green room.>

- Mark Leyner, The Tetherballs of Bougainville.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipe...

CR Wynn: "There are few mysteries on the internet. Offramp is one of them."
- Mamedyarov vs Topalov, 2017 (kibitz #11)

ColeTrane: "Offramp says a lot of garbage."
- H Mestre Bellido vs T Bakre, 2012 (kibitz #15)

Luzhin: "Offramp is writing from a secure unit where patients are well-treated by a team of dedicated professionals."
- Short vs E Blomqvist, 2017 (kibitz #12)

SirRuthless: "If you have a minute do a little research on King Leopold and his actions in the Belgian Congo. It's eye opening. Offramp chose that monster as his avatar and it was no accident. Wonderful human being this <offramp> is."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #82)

SirRuthless: "Ahh it's Albert Pike, my mistake. Sorry about that <offramp>. I'll leave my posts up as a lesson to anyone else who makes a similar mistake and a record of my error."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #88)

CARNIS AUTEM EST!

"Are you one of the frightened?"
- Boris Karloff

Voted Worst Fanirmod 10 years in a row.

Chess columnist of the <Weekly Northern Whig & Intelligencer>.

I am a noted expert on Teplitz-Schönau (1922) upon which I have written nine "Schönographs": learned disquisitions on that intriguing tournament. Available at www.lulu.com for $0.01 each.

Lead singer and guitarist of the Norwegian black metal band Dementert Freaks. Search for "I Wee-Wee On Your Jellyfish Sting."

A great passion of mine is to fire up the old Merlin GTS autogyro and take her up to about 5,500 metres. I take a laptop with me but I no longer post while airborne since one post made me laugh so hard that I crashed my gyrocopter.

I was born in Hong Kong and in 2005 I was required to complete National Service in the Chinese military. I was taught how to fly a Xian H-6 jet bomber. One of my missions was to carpet-bomb the town of Bishkek in Uzbekistan. A local chess tournament was taking place at the time and I later found out that I had killed 166 chess players which I believe to be the record.

I am an Honorary member of The Ancient and Honorable Artillery Company of Massachusetts and a Freeman of the City of Prince George, British Columbia and a Member of the Order of Skinner & PJ Proby's Horse and the Supreme Orator of the Order of the Acrimonious Virgin.

I have published an autobiography called <I BLEW A BILLION BUCKS ON BIKES BABES BARBITURATES BULLETS BOMBS AND BENONIS: <My Journey of Personal Discovery from Tunguska to Roswell Via Krakatoa and Hiroshima>>. It is available at Lulu.com for £0.01p.

I graduated from Lead City University, Hut 8, Zone B, Lagos, Nigeria with a thesis on speech act theory and moral language.

I once worked at LUSH and I have made a replica pistol out of black soap which I intend to present to Donald Trump when he visits Britain by jumping out of the crowd and handing it to him.

My philosophy is this:

Work like the ponies in coalmines.
Dance like the teardrop explodes.
Love like you're Frank in Blue Velvet.
Play chess like you're desperate to lose.

My Dad was Irish, but I am very English. In the following video I give advice on how to pronounce Flaming Nora. https://youtu.be/bVzkOK44YnE

My favourite players of all time are:
1 Frank James Marshall
2 Moshe Czerniak
3 Harry Nelson Pillsbury
4 Vladimir Simagin
5 Denis Khismatullin
6 Gustav Richard Neumann
7 Carl Theodor Goering
8 Rudolf Swiderski
9 Siegbert Tarrasch
10 Hugh Alexander Kennedy
11 Ernst Ludwig Klein.

My birthday is 29th March. I have two young children.

I am a lover of ecclesiastical architecture. I like Hawksmoor, Gibbs and Archer. In 2018 I'm hoping to visit both Santiago de Compostela and Rome. North France, as well. It is not easy because I never learned to drive a petrol vehicle, although I am trained to drive an electric train.

I spend many hours listening to Old-Time Radio (OTR). I also like pre-code comics.

>> Click here to see offramp's game collections.

Chessgames.com Full Member
   Current net-worth: 1,430 chessbucks
[what is this?]

   offramp has kibitzed 17703 times to chessgames   [more...]
   Nov-18-18 Carlsen vs Caruana, 2018 (replies)
 
offramp: Can Black stop White castling?
 
   Nov-18-18 offramp chessforum (replies)
 
offramp: Caption https://mobile.twitter.com/nigelsho...
 
   Nov-17-18 A Wallace vs F K Esling, 1895
 
offramp: Black accidentally lost his KRP at move 15. [DIAGRAM] And then, 9 moves later, [DIAGRAM] 24. Bxg7. [DIAGRAM]
 
   Nov-17-18 chessgames.com chessforum (replies)
 
offramp: Hooray!
 
   Nov-17-18 Chandler vs Karpov, 1991
 
offramp: <Howard>, the first game is Portisch vs C W Pritchett, 1978 and the second one is Yanofsky vs Fischer, 1962 .
 
   Nov-17-18 Carlsen - Caruana World Championship Match (2018) (replies)
 
offramp: Both players could have won a game, so it is fair that the match score is still level. Unlike the matches from pre-2000, there has not been a single bad move in the first 6 games!
 
   Nov-17-18 Carlsen vs Caruana, 2018 (replies)
 
offramp: I am not a luddite, but I don't believe the mate-in-30 line. I think that the computer is mistaken, or does not understand the position.
 
   Nov-17-18 Koltanowski vs W Windom, 1960 (replies)
 
offramp: [DIAGRAM] Black to move. White wishes his bishop was on d3 instead of c4. He wishes it so powerfully that Black plays 16...b5. Instead, 16...Nc5 is better, attacking both the rook and d3.
 
   Nov-15-18 Memorable Quotes chessforum (replies)
 
offramp: <"My favourite player from the past is me, 3 or 4 years ago."> - Magnus Carlsen . That could be quote of the year.
 
   Nov-15-18 Caruana vs Carlsen, 2018 (replies)
 
offramp: <Sally Simpson: Just killing time before I catch the train down to London for game 5.> Geoff, there are three very good pubs in the area. On Sicilian Ave there is the Holborn Whippet. A very pretty pub that gets very busy is the Princess Louise. The best value, and the ...
 
(replies) indicates a reply to the comment.

The Sun & 13 Cantons

Kibitzer's Corner
< Earlier Kibitzing  · PAGE 54 OF 54 ·  Later Kibitzing>
Nov-10-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <thegoodanarchist: <CARUANA is going to win today.> You are zero for two in your WC match predictions, according to my count.>

It is worse than that. I have also tanked at chessbookie and the <OCF> prediction contest.

Nov-11-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I was thinking about some of the best and worst World Championship matches (excluding tie-breaks).

Length is not very important, because one of my favourites is
Lasker - Schlechter World Championship Match (1910)
which was only 10 games. And another favourite is
Karpov - Korchnoi World Championship (1978)
which was 32 games.

Here are two of the biggest stinkers:
Kasparov - Anand World Championship Match (1995)
&
Anand - Gelfand World Chess Championship (2012)
which were both just a long parade of very short draws.

A good match was the second longest of all:
Capablanca - Alekhine World Championship Match (1927)
but at the time I think people thought it was awful.

The best of the matches played by Karpov & Kasparov was
Kasparov - Karpov World Championship Match (1990)
which was fascinating all the way through. In fact that might be the best WC match of all time.

Their worst match was
Kasparov - Karpov World Championship Match (1987)
which was very dull except for the final two games.

I think the current match is going to be brilliant.

For one thing, I don't think we will ever see a WC match with a rating difference of just <2 Elo points>, 2835-2833.

Nov-11-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Jonathan Sarfati: <offramp:> Those are all reasonable assessments. Lasker–Schlechter has long been underrated, but there was accurate fighting chess all the way. Capablanca himself annotated the games and thought highly of them. <visayanbraindoctor> has made thoughtful comments on the games too.
Nov-12-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp:
KAWICK KAWIZZ

What do George Steven Botterill. Mikhail Botvinnik, bot-flies and Botany Bay have in common?

Nov-12-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <It is easy to be wise. Just think of something stupid then say the opposite.>
*****

< I took Albert Pierrepoint to see Hangmen Also Die and he left ashen-faced.>

Nov-13-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: <offramp> They're all bots
Nov-13-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <morfishine: <offramp> They're all bots>

Correct! Two points. Only one is a Russian Bot.

Nov-13-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Some of Fischer's brilliant notes:

A Reinhard vs Fischer, 1963 (kibitz #4)

Nov-14-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: What is this hee hee hee rubbish?

<SugarDom: OH, I just found out that the kibitz was done by my friend Count. Sorry Count, I don't think your post makes any sense. hehehe>

http://images6.fanpop.com/image/pho...

Nov-14-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: <offramp> I assume you've seen this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVp...

If not, you MUST watch it! You are famous!

Nov-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <thegoodanarchist: <offramp> I assume you've seen this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVp...

If not, you MUST watch it! You are famous!>

Good grief! <thanks> very much for alerting me. I am amazed, and laughing like a neutron bomb, that someone should use one of my silly comments. I am glad he liked it!

Your jaw must have dropped when you saw it!

Nov-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: "We're old friends, Jack and myself.We met at a street corner. I should tell you he'll deny this account. I was standing at a street corner. A car drew up. It was him. He asked me the way to Bolsover Street.\ I told him Bolsover Street was in the middle of an intricate one-way system. It was a one-way system easy enough to get into. The only trouble was that, once in, you couldn't get out. I told him his best bet, if he really wanted to get to Bolsover Street was to take the first left, first right, second right, third on the left, keep his eye open for a hardware shop, go right round the square, keeping to the inside lane, take the second Mews on the right and then stop. He will find himself facing a very tall office block, with a crescent courtyard. He can take advantage of this office block. He can go round the crescent come out the other way, follow the arrows, go past two sets of traffic lights and take the next left indicated by the first green filter he comes across. He's got the Post Office Tower in his vision the whole time. All he's got to do is to reverse into the underground car park, change gear, go straight on, and he'll find himself in Bolsover Street with no trouble at all. I did warn him, though, that he'll still be faced with the problem, having found Bolsover Street, of losing it. I told him I knew one or two people who'd been wandering up and down Bolsover Street for years. They'd wasted their bloody youth there. The people who live there, their faces are grey, they're in a state of despair, but nobody pays any attention, you see... Anyway, I told him that probably the best thing he could do was to forget the whole idea of getting to Bolsover Street. I remember saying to him: This trip you've got in mind, drop it, it could prove fatal. But he said he had to deliver a parcel. Anyway, I took all this trouble with him because he had a nice open face. He looked like a man who would always do good to others himself. Normally I wouldn’t give a ****. I should tell you he’ll deny this account. His story will be different."
Nov-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: <Your jaw must have dropped when you saw it!>

Indeed, I was pleasantly stunned.

Nov-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Charles Dickens's novel <A Tale of Two Cities> was first serialised in two centre-of-England newspapers.

It was in the Bicester Times and in the Worcester Times.

Nov-17-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: One of my favourite internet only games is https://geoguessr.com/.

You are plonked down at a randomly chosen spot on google maps, and you have to guess where you are.

I have got quite good at it and have some big scores.

It is worth a quick look.

Nov-17-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: "Poor Edward Bray could <never> win the spot by the fireplace..."
Nov-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: In Sri Lanka, England has managed to win an overseas Test series for the first time in years. Ireland just about beat the All Blacks at rugby yesterday - for the second time ever.
Nov-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Answer: Bamber Gascoigne and Jade Goody.
Nov-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Which chess magazine does the Alt-Right read?

Deutsches Woken-Schach.

Nov-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Count Wedgemore: Why do the ayatollahs dislike chess so much?

It reminds them of the Shahk of Iran.

Nov-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: One of St Wallace Stevens’s best.

<Ariel was glad he had written his poems.
They were of a remembered time
Or of something seen that he liked.

Other makings of the sun
Were waste and welter
And the ripe shrub writhed.

His self and the sun were one
And his poems, although makings of his self,
Were no less makings of the sun.

It was not important that they survive.
What mattered was that they should bear
Some lineament or character,

Some affluence, if only half-perceived,
In the poverty of their words,
Of the planet of which they were part.>

Nov-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <Count Wedgemore> what is odd is that “checkmate” comes from shah mat meaning the Shah is dead, so the Ayatollahs should have been delighted with chess. But they banned it.

One of the few irrational things in Islam.

Nov-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Caption
https://mobile.twitter.com/nigelsho...
Nov-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: "Only one of them is hung like a horse."
Nov-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Diademas: <OhioChessFan: "Only one of them is hung like a horse.">

Not sure Nigel Short implies what I think you do think it implies...

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