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offramp
Member since Aug-16-03 · Last seen Nov-22-17
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<
MARK:
I’m sure you’ve run across articles about him in magazines. About how when he was a kid, he almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning huffing fumes from barbecue propane tanks, and how he was later diagnosed with having a monoamine oxidase A deficiency — what’s called a MAOA-deficiency — which made him abnormally belligerent …
WARDEN:
What made him abnormally belligerent, the deficiency or the diagnosis?
MARK:
Huh?
WARDEN:
Never mind.
MARK:
… so he was always in and out of reform schools and jails. But he developed into this incredibly ferocious player. And then the year after he won his first Ma Ling Masters, he was in a Koru’s Department Store, which is like the Bougainvillean equivalent of Sears, and he was buying a pair of maracas and the salesperson suggested that he purchase a service contract for the maracas, and Offramp very courteously declined — he’s normally a very soft-spoken, urbane person — but the clerk got increasingly aggressive about this service contract, and finally Offramp just lost it and bludgeoned him to death with the ceremonial war club he always carries around with him. So he had to leave the country and he missed two full seasons. And then when he came back, he was appearing on The Patimo Nambuka Show (which is like the Good Morning America of Bougainville), and an anaconda swallowed his mom in the green room.>

- Mark Leyner, The Tetherballs of Bougainville.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipe...

CR Wynn: "There are few mysteries on the internet. Offramp is one of them."
- Mamedyarov vs Topalov, 2017 (kibitz #11)

ColeTrane: "Offramp says a lot of garbage."
- H Mestre Bellido vs T Bakre, 2012 (kibitz #15)

Luzhin: "Offramp is writing from a secure unit where patients are well-treated by a team of dedicated professionals."
- Short vs E Blomqvist, 2017 (kibitz #12)

SirRuthless: "If you have a minute do a little research on King Leopold and his actions in the Belgian Congo. It's eye opening. Offramp chose that monster as his avatar and it was no accident. Wonderful human being this <offramp> is."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #82)

SirRuthless: "Ahh it's Albert Pike, my mistake. Sorry about that <offramp>. I'll leave my posts up as a lesson to anyone else who makes a similar mistake and a record of my error."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #88)

CARNIS AUTEM EST!

"Are you one of the frightened?"
- Boris Karloff

Voted Worst Fanirmod 9 years in a row.

I am a noted expert on Teplitz-Schönau (1922) upon which I have written nine "Schönographs": learned disquisitions on that intriguing tournament. Available at www.lulu.com for $0.01 each.

Lead singer and guitarist of the Norwegian black metal band Dementert Freaks. Search for "I Piss On Your Jellyfish Sting."

A great passion of mine is to fire up the old Merlin GTS autogyro and take her up to about 5,500 metres. I take a laptop with me but I no longer post while airborne since one post made me laugh so hard that I crashed my gyrocopter.

I was born in Hong Kong and in 2005 I was required to complete National Service in the Chinese military. I was taught how to fly a Xian H-6 jet bomber. One of my missions was to carpet-bomb the town of Bishkek in Uzbekistan. A local chess tournament was taking place at the time and I later found out that I had killed 166 chess players which I believe to be the record.

I am an Honorary member of The Ancient and Honorable Artillery Company of Massachusetts and a Freeman of the City of Prince George, British Columbia and a Member of the Order of Skinner & PJ Proby's Horse and the Supreme Orator of the Order of the Acrimonious Virgin.

I have published an autobiography called <I BLEW A BILLION BUCKS ON BIKES BABES BARBITURATES BULLETS BOMBS AND BENONIS: <My Journey of Personal Discovery from Tunguska to Roswell Via Krakatoa and Hiroshima>>. It is available at Lulu.com for £0.01p.

I graduated from Lead City University, Hut 8, Zone B, Lagos, Nigeria with a thesis on speech act theory and moral language.

I once worked at LUSH and I have made a replica pistol out of black soap which I intend to present to Donald Trump when he visits Britain by jumping out of the crowd and handing it to him.

My philosophy is this:

Work like the ponies in coalmines.
Dance like the teardrop explodes.
Love like you're Frank in Blue Velvet.
Play chess like you're desperate to lose.

My Dad was Irish, but I am very English. In the following video I give advice on how to pronounce Flaming Nora. https://youtu.be/bVzkOK44YnE

My favourite players of all time are:
1 Frank James Marshall
2 Moshe Czerniak
3 Harry Nelson Pillsbury
4 Vladimir Simagin
5 Evgeni Ellinovich Sveshnikov
6 Gustav Richard Neumann
7 Carl Theodor Goering
8 Rudolf Swiderski
9 Siegbert Tarrasch
10 Hugh Alexander Kennedy
11 Ernst Ludwig Klein.

My birthday is 29th March. I have two young children.

I am a lover of ecclesiastical architecture. I like Hawksmoor, Gibbs and Archer. In 2017 I'm hoping to visit both Santiago de Compostela and Rome. North France, as well. It is not easy because I never learned to drive a petrol vehicle, although I am trained to drive an electric train.

I spend many hours listening to Old-Time Radio (OTR). I also like pre-code comics.

>> Click here to see offramp's game collections.

Chessgames.com Full Member
   Current net-worth: 1,045 chessbucks
[what is this?]

   offramp has kibitzed 15398 times to chessgames   [more...]
   Nov-21-17 Team White vs Team Black, 2017 (replies)
   Nov-20-17 Hermann Heemsoth
 
offramp: I would not like to be Weser/Ems champion. I'd rather play chess on dry land. However, being <President of the Arbeitsgemeinschaft deutscher Fernschachfreunde> is not to be sneezed at.
 
   Nov-20-17 B H Wood vs E Walther, 1949
 
offramp: From's Gambit can be deadly. A recent example is C Eichab vs D Mehmeti, 2014 , where Black won in 12 moves. In this game Wood, as White, managed to ward off Black's immediate threats [DIAGRAM] by giving up the exchange: 14. Rxf3. But Black's attack continued. He castled ...
 
   Nov-20-17 Fischer / Barden vs Penrose / Clarke, 1960 (replies)
 
offramp: <Sally Simpson: "... "Why do they have to publish such boring analysis?"> That is very funny. Fischer must have known that the position was a dead draw right from the start. There is no way for White to make progress. He must have been amazed that such a position was analysed ...
 
   Nov-19-17 Memorable Quotes chessforum
 
offramp: Short vs Kasparov, 1986 (kibitz #42) <goodevans: <cormier: 1) +0.13 (38 ply) 1...e6 etc. 2) +0.21 (37 ply) 1...c5 etc. 3) +0.28 (37 ply) 1...e5 etc. 2.5 hour analysis by Stockfish 8> Your point being?>
 
   Nov-19-17 Short vs Kasparov, 1986 (replies)
 
offramp: Short's only win against Kasparov before their 1993 match. It may have made him believe that he could wrest the title from the mighty Azeri (Kasparov) by using sharp Sicilian lines. I am glad he did. No one was going to beat the wily Baku-oid (Kasparov) in 1993 so Short did well to ...
 
   Nov-19-17 Topalov vs Nakamura, 2017
 
offramp: Topalov finds himself in the unusual situation of being an exchange ahead. He seems a bit baffled. Nakamura edges forward alarmingly. There was a late draw by returning the exchange: [DIAGRAM] 50. Rxf6+! Kxf6 51. Rf2! and Black would have to be slightly careful: is the K+P ...
 
   Nov-19-17 Wei Yi vs Yankai Li, 2017
 
offramp: [DIAGRAM] Black now played 33...Rf4, but he should have gone to b4. Play eventually led to a very good rook and pawn ending.
 
   Nov-19-17 E Shaposhnikov vs Taron Shagbazyan, 2017
 
offramp: It looks to me that 25...gxf6 is better. Then Black could put a rook on the e-file.
 
   Nov-19-17 Gelfand vs R Rapport, 2017
 
offramp: An ending of two knights against a rook, with 6 pawns each. [DIAGRAM]
 
(replies) indicates a reply to the comment.

English Chess Speaking

Kibitzer's Corner
< Earlier Kibitzing  · PAGE 31 OF 31 ·  Later Kibitzing>
Oct-28-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  zanzibar: <Major Barbara> - so make that thirteen times.

<However, the father argues that poverty is a worse problem than munitions, and claims that he is doing more to help society by giving his workers jobs and a steady income than Major Barbara is doing to help them by giving them bread and soup.>

He was ahead (and behind) his times:

<Shaw's expressed views were often contentious; he promoted eugenics and alphabet reform, and opposed vaccination and organised religion. >

Shaw's irrelevance has been predicted long before:

<In the 1940s the author Harold Nicolson advised the National Trust not to accept the bequest of Shaw's Corner, predicting that Shaw would be totally forgotten within fifty years.>

Let's finish where Shaw himself finished:

<In its obituary tribute to Shaw, The Times Literary Supplement concluded:

He was no originator of ideas. He was an insatiable adopter and adapter, an incomparable prestidigitator with the thoughts of the forerunners. Nietzsche, Samuel Butler (Erewhon), Marx, Shelley, Blake, Dickens, William Morris, Ruskin, Beethoven and Wagner all had their applications and misapplications. By bending to their service all the faculties of a powerful mind, by inextinguishable wit, and by every artifice of argument, he carried their thoughts as far as they would reach—so far beyond their sources that they came to us with the vitality of the newly created.>

Wiki stuff/fluff.

Oct-29-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: An official definition:

<Anything in which it is possible to participate while smoking a cigarette is not a sport.>.

So chess isn't a sport.

Nov-02-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp:
Somewhere, somewhere my brain
Is being used by a scientist
It swims in a jar
Of electrolytic fluid
But my body rots in the sea
We will return!

The love that my brain
Has for its corpus
Is like the love that Hillary
Had for Sherpa Tenzig
When they kissed on that peak.
We will return.

Can we all fit in that hammock?
Give me back my brain.
This time will be better.
I won't do that again.
I <did not> dive my brain to science!
My body and brain will never rest.
We will return.

Nov-03-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: How about a third Caption Competition, for All Saints Day?

https://pix.avaxnews.com/avaxnews/3...

Provide a witty caption to that monstrosity in 50 words or less or you may die.

The guest jusk is Elon Musk.

The usual prize, i.e. a set of three wheelchair enabled steps.

Second prize is two steps etc.

Please add to your entries the hashtag #whoooahPotemkin to add pressure on the Ukrainian government to make the Potemkin Steps wheelchair accessible.

Nov-03-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: "I should have counted to 12 and logged off before reading <offramp's> bio."

#whoooahPotemkin

Nov-05-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: "Needs a sharp tap on the chuck with a spanner."
Nov-06-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: < offramp: An official definition:

<Anything in which it is possible to participate while smoking a cigarette is not a sport.>.

So chess isn't a sport.>

In my younger days I was a runner. I also smoked cigarettes for about 16 years.

Anyway, one day I told my hair stylist that I was going for a run. She knew I smoked, and exclaimed <<<>>"You smoke AND you run?">

I replied <"Not at the same time!">

Nov-07-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <OhioChessFan: "I should have counted to 12 and logged off before reading <offramp's> bio." #whoooahPotemkin>

Elon Musk writes:

<"A deserved winner! You will be welcome aboard my mission to Mars, which will include both chess and caption competitions as entertainment.>

This CC started at the same time as the Team White/Black thematic challenge, so my forum became unobtainable to 50% of the site.

Well done, OCF, your steps are on the way!

Nov-07-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <thegoodanarchist: ...one day I told my hair stylist that I was going for a run. She knew I smoked, and exclaimed <<<>>"You smoke AND you run?">

I replied <"Not at the same time!">>

I remember a tragic story about poor Dick York, a great actor known for <Bewitched>.

He used to smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, and towards the end of his life he had emphysema and was at home in an iron lung.

A reporter went to see him in that tragic situation and she asked him when he gave up smoking.

He said, <"About 15 minutes ago.">

Nov-07-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMs...
Nov-08-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp:
I found a fish head in my spaghetti.
It's something I'll never forgetti.
I exploded like a supernovae,
Then realised it was just an anchovy.
Nov-09-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Idea for film.

One night, in a park, a broke businessman kills his erstwhile partner, who was threatening to reveal him.

A tramp (a hobo) has seen him! The tramp arrives at the man's house one afternoon, he has evidence AND he has brought a friend along for safe-keeping. The two men blackmail the man and move in to his lovely house.

One day the two tramps' presence becomes too much for the businessman. He kills them and drives them into the woods and buries them.

Unfortunately, he was witnessed burying them by two separate pairs of necking teenagers. All four of them decide to blackmail the businessman.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Nov-13-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Some of you may have downloaded my torrent file of chess games. See offramp chessforum (kibitz #515).

A friend emailed me the yesterday. His third eldest daughter Larissa had made a small file of chess variants.

CHESS VARIANTS!! Of course. I am currently downloading a swathe of variant chess games, along with the usual updates, and I will keep you posted.

Nov-13-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: My frind Lenny told me that his third-eldest daughter had made a large pgn file of chess variants.

I researched back to January 15th 1992. Along the way I found a huge, colossal amount of new standard games.

The torrent file now looks like this:
Internet chess games
ICG-1992-01.pgn.bz2
ICG-1992-02.pgn.bz2
... etc ...
ICG-1997-03.pgn.bz2
ICG-1997-01.pgn.bz2
ICG-1997-01.pgn.bz2
ICG-1997-02.pgn.bz2
ICG-1997-03.pgn.bz2
... etc ...
ICG-2009-08.pgn.bz2
ICG-2009-09.pgn.bz2
ICG-2009-10.pgn.bz2
... etc ...
ICG-2016-12.pgn.bz2
ICG-2017-01.pgn.bz2
ICG-2017-02.pgn.bz2
... etc ...
ICG-2017-11.pgn.bz2

The database now includes all games from the following servers:
Chess.com
Chess24
ChessCube
Chess Live
FIDE Online Arena
Free Internet Chess Server (FICS)
Internet Chess Club (ICC)
Lichess
Playchess
SchemingMind
World Chess Network
Getclub.

...And it includes all variant chess games from all of those servers.

I should have an idea of how many games are in the database by tomorrow afternoon.

Nov-14-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I have had a quick look through the database. there are many more variant games than I expected. They include CRAZYHOUSE, CHESS960, KING OF THE HILL, THREE-CHECK, ANTICHESS, ATOMIC, RACING KINGS, ULTRABULLET and thousands more variants.

Everything in the standard chess DB seems in order, except that one game is incomplete: Huskisson1988354 v Shizekopf35477, FICS August 12th 2001: does anyone have the complete score?

The torrent DB has games from 15/1/1992 up to about 15 minutes ago.

More details to follow.

Nov-14-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: A quick search through the whole torrent file reveals some surprising statistics.

There is obviously a huge amount of games; how many do you think begin 1. e4 e5 2. Ke2?

Answer: 4,112,810,761! (That's just an exclam, not <factorial>.)

That sums up the huge educational value of the database. Where else would you find out how to defend against this attack?

Nov-14-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: I am guessing 4,112,810,760 were by Wannabe. One of them was mine.
Nov-14-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <OhioChessFan: I am guessing 4,112,810,760 were by Wannabe. One of them was mine>

Yes. Um, that is possible. Um. Can you give a date estimate? I am searching game by game and it might take a long time. My hard drive is full and I cannot search.

Was it this er century? Um... were you er White or black? Um... it's time consuming going through 4 billion games...um...

Nov-14-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: < offramp: Idea for film

.... All four of them decide to blackmail the businessman.

TO BE CONTINUED.>

When??? I've waited 5 days for the continuation!!!

Nov-15-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: << offramp: Idea for film .... All four of them decide to blackmail the businessman.

TO BE CONTINUED.>

When??? I've waited 5 days for the continuation!!!>

So the four kids blackmail the guy, but eventually he kills them all and as he is throwing the bodies into Lake Mead from the Hoover Dam he sees that he has been spotted by a group of eight Chinese tourists...

Nov-15-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I was talking to my friend Lenny, and his third-eldest daughter Larissa had the idea of a database of internet games. Over the years Lenny, Larissa and I have created this torrent file which now looks like this:

Internet chess games
ICG-1992-01.pgn.bz2
ICG-1992-02.pgn.bz2
... etc ...
ICG-1997-03.pgn.bz2
ICG-1997-01.pgn.bz2
ICG-1997-01.pgn.bz2
ICG-1997-02.pgn.bz2
ICG-1997-03.pgn.bz2
... etc ...
ICG-2009-08.pgn.bz2
ICG-2009-09.pgn.bz2
ICG-2009-10.pgn.bz2
... etc ...
ICG-2016-12.pgn.bz2
ICG-2017-01.pgn.bz2
ICG-2017-02.pgn.bz2
... etc ...
ICG-2017-11.pgn.bz2

With bz2 you have to download all of the zip-files and unzip them all at once. The BZ2 software will then sellotape them all together so that you have one single handy Megabase.

That final file is 17.4 Yottabytes in total size (unzipped).

It contains a quite outstanding number of games. Normal chess games:
62,924,902,034,844,309.
Variant chess games:
28,031,946,820.

This is an outstanding educational tool. For example, if you have been having sleepless nights wondering about how to continue after
1. h2-h4 a7-a5
worry no more. There are more that 36 million examples of that opening to guide you!

Nov-17-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: True story: In the early 1990s a former Soviet GM had relocated to the city where I was going to school.

One Saturday there was a small local chess tournament going on, and he showed up to play (as did I). Of course he won all of his games, and took the top cash prize.

His English pronunciation was still not so good at that time. Anyway, after the tournament, I struck up a brief conversation with him. I asked "What does it take to become a grandmaster?"

His reply sounded like this: "Hard Vorek."

Nov-17-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: Does such an anecdote belong in a forum called "English Chess Speaking"?

I think, Yes!

Nov-18-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: CONTINUED

...He pretends to be their coach driver and drives the coach in to the Grand Canyon, killing them all. But he has been watched by a sightseeing tour of 14 American Football players on a day out with their principal...

Nov-18-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  zanzibar: < drives the coach in to the Grand Canyon, killing them all.>

Hmmm, sounds familiar...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103074/

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