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offramp
Member since Aug-16-03 · Last seen Sep-24-18
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<
MARK:
I’m sure you’ve run across articles about him in magazines. About how when he was a kid, he almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning huffing fumes from barbecue propane tanks, and how he was later diagnosed with having a monoamine oxidase A deficiency — what’s called a MAOA-deficiency — which made him abnormally belligerent …
WARDEN:
What made him abnormally belligerent, the deficiency or the diagnosis?
MARK:
Huh?
WARDEN:
Never mind.
MARK:
… so he was always in and out of reform schools and jails. But he developed into this incredibly ferocious player. And then the year after he won his first Ma Ling Masters, he was in a Koru’s Department Store, which is like the Bougainvillean equivalent of Sears, and he was buying a pair of maracas and the salesperson suggested that he purchase a service contract for the maracas, and Offramp very courteously declined — he’s normally a very soft-spoken, urbane person — but the clerk got increasingly aggressive about this service contract, and finally Offramp just lost it and bludgeoned him to death with the ceremonial war club he always carries around with him. So he had to leave the country and he missed two full seasons. And then when he came back, he was appearing on The Patimo Nambuka Show (which is like the Good Morning America of Bougainville), and an anaconda swallowed his mom in the green room.>

- Mark Leyner, The Tetherballs of Bougainville.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipe...

CR Wynn: "There are few mysteries on the internet. Offramp is one of them."
- Mamedyarov vs Topalov, 2017 (kibitz #11)

ColeTrane: "Offramp says a lot of garbage."
- H Mestre Bellido vs T Bakre, 2012 (kibitz #15)

Luzhin: "Offramp is writing from a secure unit where patients are well-treated by a team of dedicated professionals."
- Short vs E Blomqvist, 2017 (kibitz #12)

SirRuthless: "If you have a minute do a little research on King Leopold and his actions in the Belgian Congo. It's eye opening. Offramp chose that monster as his avatar and it was no accident. Wonderful human being this <offramp> is."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #82)

SirRuthless: "Ahh it's Albert Pike, my mistake. Sorry about that <offramp>. I'll leave my posts up as a lesson to anyone else who makes a similar mistake and a record of my error."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #88)

CARNIS AUTEM EST!

"Are you one of the frightened?"
- Boris Karloff

Voted Worst Fanirmod 10 years in a row.

Chess columnist of the <Weekly Northern Whig & Intelligencer>.

I am a noted expert on Teplitz-Schönau (1922) upon which I have written nine "Schönographs": learned disquisitions on that intriguing tournament. Available at www.lulu.com for $0.01 each.

Lead singer and guitarist of the Norwegian black metal band Dementert Freaks. Search for "I Wee-Wee On Your Jellyfish Sting."

A great passion of mine is to fire up the old Merlin GTS autogyro and take her up to about 5,500 metres. I take a laptop with me but I no longer post while airborne since one post made me laugh so hard that I crashed my gyrocopter.

I was born in Hong Kong and in 2005 I was required to complete National Service in the Chinese military. I was taught how to fly a Xian H-6 jet bomber. One of my missions was to carpet-bomb the town of Bishkek in Uzbekistan. A local chess tournament was taking place at the time and I later found out that I had killed 166 chess players which I believe to be the record.

I am an Honorary member of The Ancient and Honorable Artillery Company of Massachusetts and a Freeman of the City of Prince George, British Columbia and a Member of the Order of Skinner & PJ Proby's Horse and the Supreme Orator of the Order of the Acrimonious Virgin.

I have published an autobiography called <I BLEW A BILLION BUCKS ON BIKES BABES BARBITURATES BULLETS BOMBS AND BENONIS: <My Journey of Personal Discovery from Tunguska to Roswell Via Krakatoa and Hiroshima>>. It is available at Lulu.com for £0.01p.

I graduated from Lead City University, Hut 8, Zone B, Lagos, Nigeria with a thesis on speech act theory and moral language.

I once worked at LUSH and I have made a replica pistol out of black soap which I intend to present to Donald Trump when he visits Britain by jumping out of the crowd and handing it to him.

My philosophy is this:

Work like the ponies in coalmines.
Dance like the teardrop explodes.
Love like you're Frank in Blue Velvet.
Play chess like you're desperate to lose.

My Dad was Irish, but I am very English. In the following video I give advice on how to pronounce Flaming Nora. https://youtu.be/bVzkOK44YnE

My favourite players of all time are:
1 Frank James Marshall
2 Moshe Czerniak
3 Harry Nelson Pillsbury
4 Vladimir Simagin
5 Denis Khismatullin
6 Gustav Richard Neumann
7 Carl Theodor Goering
8 Rudolf Swiderski
9 Siegbert Tarrasch
10 Hugh Alexander Kennedy
11 Ernst Ludwig Klein.

My birthday is 29th March. I have two young children.

I am a lover of ecclesiastical architecture. I like Hawksmoor, Gibbs and Archer. In 2018 I'm hoping to visit both Santiago de Compostela and Rome. North France, as well. It is not easy because I never learned to drive a petrol vehicle, although I am trained to drive an electric train.

I spend many hours listening to Old-Time Radio (OTR). I also like pre-code comics.

>> Click here to see offramp's game collections.

Chessgames.com Full Member
   Current net-worth: 1,920 chessbucks
[what is this?]

   offramp has kibitzed 17369 times to chessgames   [more...]
   Sep-23-18 offramp chessforum
 
offramp: Where exactly is Humanitaria? That country is always in trouble.
 
   Sep-23-18 43rd Chess Olympiad (2018) (replies)
 
offramp: The best match at any Olympiad is when Jersey plays Guernsey. See these games for bloodthirsty battles: T Brookfield vs G Forbes, 2016 (kibitz #1) & Tito Kahn vs K Bateman, 2016 (kibitz #1) .
 
   Sep-23-18 chessgames.com chessforum (replies)
 
offramp: <Dr Winston OBoogie: Those long winter nights must just fly be in the <offy> and <miss offy> household LOL.> Many people think that Mrs Offy and I are married but it is just coincidence. We did laugh when first we found out. “Good morning Mrs Offy," I’d say, and ...
 
   Sep-23-18 Susan Freeman chessforum (replies)
 
offramp: Welcome, Susan!
 
   Sep-22-18 Richard Taylor chessforum (replies)
 
offramp: <Richard Taylor: I am flattered, but do I detect irony?> THAT is what I was trying to detect! In that sentence I saw the word <ironically> and I was trying to figger out what the irony was: <...ironically as the bombing of Hamburg...>. WHAT was the irony?? The ...
 
   Sep-22-18 Josef Rejfir
 
offramp: <Xeroxx: Player of the day, sick of it.> Today he is Xeroxx: Player of the day again.
 
   Sep-22-18 Fischer vs Reshevsky, 1958 (replies)
 
offramp: Today's GotD title, <"An Opening Trap to Remember"> is based on that famous British film <A Night To Remember> (1958) about the Titanic disaster. In the 1990s I saw that film in a triple bill: <A Night To Remember>, <Titanic> & <Raise the Titanic>. The ...
 
   Sep-21-18 W Bialas vs Uhlmann, 1951 (replies)
 
offramp: This game reminds me of another <superb> French Defence, Reshevsky vs Vaganian, 1976 . The French Defence is the same as the French horn: when it is played well it is a wonder to behold. When it is played badly you just want to puke your guts up.
 
   Sep-21-18 T Chapman vs Kasparov, 2001
 
offramp: <Breunor: ...I put the opening position into Stockfish to see if it prefers the open rooks or the extra pawns. It likes the pawns! 1) +1.81 ...> But in a normal opening position SF seems to think White is +0.18 or so ahead. How do you like that?
 
   Sep-19-18 D Byrne vs Fischer, 1956 (replies)
 
offramp: <Fanques Fair: This photograph is fantastic, because it marks the boy thinking of the fantastic move Be6 !> I'll tell you what, I reckon this is the best chess photo ever taken. I cannot think of a better one.
 
(replies) indicates a reply to the comment.

The Sun & 13 Cantons

Kibitzer's Corner
< Earlier Kibitzing  · PAGE 49 OF 49 ·  Later Kibitzing>
Sep-03-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: <You may not believe this, but I am 7ft 8 inches tall and I weigh 269lb.

I am a bit of a freak.>

Yes, for your height you are quite slender.

Sep-06-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: The recipe site is gone again!

http://johno.jsmf.net/cgi-sys/suspe...

Time to gnash teeth..

Sep-08-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: < offramp: <Big Pawn: When <humor> becomes your primary way of communicating, it makes you a joke. Literally.>

Here is a good subject for the argument game:

IS IT POSSIBLE for a human to become a joke literally, rather than metaphorically?

I don’t think I’ll play, though. There are too many tiny little rules.>

It has occurred to me that you may have already won this one.

Sep-09-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <thegoodanarchist: I was wondering if Yehuda Gruenfeld and Ernst Gruenfeld are related.>

Ernst Grunfeld was a Christian. He was also obese!

Ernst Gruenfeld (kibitz #67)
<offramp: Wikipedia says, bizarrely: <He died in Ottakring, Vienna, of obesity on April 3, 1962.> I find it hard to visualise that svelte young man in the profile photograph as an obese septagenarian - but in any case how do you die of obesity? Did the crane collapse as they were trolleying him down to the Kino to see A Fridge Too Far?>

I strongly suspect that Yehuda was a Jew.

Sep-09-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <thegoodanarchist: < Check It Out: <offramp> No, it looks as though he's been censored from the site.> Too bad. Freedom of speech lost.>

<BP> can simply open another account. Or perhaps he would feel more at home at a political forum, rather than one devoted to chess.

Sep-10-18  Nisjesram: <offramp: <Tabanus: I think he did not say what the omv's were or consisted of. Thanks for the support :)> On my recent 6-monthly visit to Rogoff I had the temerity to inquire what an "OMV" was.

I was told with startling celerity to <read the @#$%* forum!!>

Since I dd not wish to read 20,000+ pages of keech I am afraid I am still ignorant of what OMVs are>

I would like to have this conversation soon in rogoff forum . It would be a privilege to have this conversation with you and <tabanus> ...i know a lot about it and i learn a lot from <johnlspouge>...i consider <johnlspouge> my teacher - kind of - and learn a lot from him

Thank you , <offramp> Regards

N

Sep-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: If you use liveleak
https://www.liveleak.com/
I am offramp5885
https://www.liveleak.com/c/offramp5...
Sep-17-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: Good evening Dear <offramp>, The reports of my banning have been greatly exaggerated

As for OMV, I got (1) Office of Motor Vehicles or (2) Open Market Value (primarily referring to automobiles) or (3) Ongoing Monitoring and Verification (UN and International Atomic Energy Agency; Iraq which is probably what they were referring to) or (4) Orbital Maneuvering Vehicle or (5) Obnoxious Male Virgin [ie: <john barleycorn>]

but thats all I got

Sep-19-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Dear <Richard Taylor>, this is one of the all-time GREAT sentences:

<A "true story" (substantially true as it was non-fiction) was by a woman who had with her mother escaped the Nazis from Hamburg, ironically as the bombing of Hamburg, horrific as it was, (the tar sealed roads turned into fire and people burnt to death in them, they had mattresses soaked in water which helped them, as well as luck); enabled them to make their way in the confusion out of the city and then they somehow got to England.>

It reminds me of this famous sentence, which I had to memorize:

<When Caesar, who had addressed the tenth legion, reached the right wing, he found his troops under severe pressure and, because all the standards of the twelfth had had been collected into one cramped space, the soldiers packed so close together that they got in each other's way as they fought, while all the centurions of the fourth cohort had been killed - together with the standard bearer: the standard was lost - and those of the other cohorts as well, including the very brave senior centurion, Publius Sextius Baculus, who had so many terrible wounds that he could no longer stand, and when Caesar saw that the rest of the men were slowing down, and some in the rear ranks had given up fighting and were intent on getting out of range of the enemy, while the enemy in front kept pouring up the hill and were pressing us on both flanks, he recognized that this was a crisis because there were no reserves available, so he snatched a shield from a soldier in the rear ranks - Caesar had no shield with him - and went forward to the front line, where he called out to all the centurions by name and shouted encouragement to the rest of the men, whom he ordered to advance and to open out their ranks so that they could use their swords more effectively.>

Bravo, Richard!

Sep-19-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: It's great to see you back, <morfishine>. I knew you weren't banned but I thought you might have been on holiday.
Sep-19-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <TGA> It's back! http://johno.jsmf.net/knowhow/ngram... The site was down at least a month... It seems to be "in and out of consciousness" at the moment.

I hope it lasts this time.

Sep-19-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: Dear <offramp> The report of my banning has been greatly exaggerated

That is a wonderful reference from Caesar. Do you know, is it from the Siege of Alesia? Or some other campaign?

*NOTE: I have put extra time into examining the Alesia campaign

I am eager to know, my thirst for history is never quenched

I am your most obedient servant

Best always, morf

Sep-19-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: <offramp: <TGA> It's back! http://johno.jsmf.net/knowhow/ngram... >

Let's thank our lucky stars! Here is a nice dish to celebrate:

Marinate 17 prawns in the juice of pepper and rum. Light with a burnt match that is, and keep very thin slices that you put in, saltspoonful by spoonful of brown sauce. Do this at least twice. Flavor some scrambled eggs, beat them stiffly later on.

Pickle everything well. (This takes 42 days) Then pour in a tiny scrap of sugar and shape it into which can be cutlets.

You will procure them, sprinkle them with a bit of boiling water in the oven, laid round.

The following day serve, with milk, say three o'clock

Sep-19-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: And, of course, one must say a blessing when serving such a fine dish:

Dear Lord, divide them as the field, through the mouth and to my fathers in Egypt.

Ye are fulfilled here again to me. And when we shall come unto Aaron, distress come in me.

God hath looked out of the height of Israel and dwelt in a drink-offering thereon, and returned unto Joseph. Selah!

And to-day, removing from Gerar, and in my daughters, and Gomorrah, sayeth unto Noah: We thy rod, and Mizraim, amen

Sep-20-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Dear <morfishine>, that huge sentence is from his Conquest of Gaul, 2.25.1.

I don't think it is as good as Richard Taylor's, which can be found at Richard Taylor chessforum (kibitz #3269) 9.19.18.

I love reading about the Roman Empire. It lasted from anbout 750BC to the death of Czar Alexander, who took his title from his ancestors being the conquerors of the Eastern Roman Empire. That's a huge slice of human history...

Sep-20-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <TGA>, I love that recipe for your famous
<PICKLED PRAWNS AND SCRAMBLED EGGS shaped as CUTLETS>.
It gave me a huge laugh.
I was visualising the YouTube video.

The bit about lighting it with a burnt match is hilarious!! I'll have to go to that site and get my own recipe for something.... It is always a cure for a rainy day! I hope it lasts - fingers and toes crossed.

The biblical ones are amazing because they always sound so genuine.

Sep-20-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: < offramp: ...

The biblical ones are amazing because they always sound so genuine.>

Yes, exactly!

Feel free to post you next recipe in my reopened forum

Sep-20-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <CALF'S LIVER À LA BRACONNIÈRE>

Use any type of celery and a good hot oven to make sure that it melts.

Add some HAWTHORN CORDIAL which should be lean and mixed with Gruyère cheese, and take them together into a deep frying-pan.

Deep fry a leaf of butter on a fireproof dish. Add tomatoes, that you have freshly pounded, two cloves, salt, and two half pints of nutmeg.

Knead into a sort of cream, adding flour and bake for two hours.

Sep-20-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: The genuine <echt> WW1 Belgian cookbook, whence derive the randomly assorted recipes that <TGA> and I occasionally post, can be seen in its totalité at
https://www.gutenberg.org/files/722...
Sep-20-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: freshly pounded tomatoes! I love it.
Sep-20-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: Your recipes are making my mouth water, wait hold it, are these real recipes?
Sep-21-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Richard Taylor: <morfishine><offramp> good to see you back morfishine and, <offramp>, thanks for your compliment.

As I said I recall reading, in class, some of Julius Caesar's journals when I did Latin at school. We translated parts of them as exercises.

Sep-21-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Caution: R Rated!

https://www.liveleak.com/view?t=uq9...

It is me doing a funny voice while commenting on an old film.

LOTS of bad language! Be warned! But it's only a minute long.

Sep-23-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: chessgames.com chessforum (kibitz #30965)
Sep-23-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Where exactly is Humanitaria? That country is always in trouble.
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