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offramp
Member since Aug-16-03 · Last seen Feb-22-18
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<
MARK:
I’m sure you’ve run across articles about him in magazines. About how when he was a kid, he almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning huffing fumes from barbecue propane tanks, and how he was later diagnosed with having a monoamine oxidase A deficiency — what’s called a MAOA-deficiency — which made him abnormally belligerent …
WARDEN:
What made him abnormally belligerent, the deficiency or the diagnosis?
MARK:
Huh?
WARDEN:
Never mind.
MARK:
… so he was always in and out of reform schools and jails. But he developed into this incredibly ferocious player. And then the year after he won his first Ma Ling Masters, he was in a Koru’s Department Store, which is like the Bougainvillean equivalent of Sears, and he was buying a pair of maracas and the salesperson suggested that he purchase a service contract for the maracas, and Offramp very courteously declined — he’s normally a very soft-spoken, urbane person — but the clerk got increasingly aggressive about this service contract, and finally Offramp just lost it and bludgeoned him to death with the ceremonial war club he always carries around with him. So he had to leave the country and he missed two full seasons. And then when he came back, he was appearing on The Patimo Nambuka Show (which is like the Good Morning America of Bougainville), and an anaconda swallowed his mom in the green room.>

- Mark Leyner, The Tetherballs of Bougainville.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipe...

CR Wynn: "There are few mysteries on the internet. Offramp is one of them."
- Mamedyarov vs Topalov, 2017 (kibitz #11)

ColeTrane: "Offramp says a lot of garbage."
- H Mestre Bellido vs T Bakre, 2012 (kibitz #15)

Luzhin: "Offramp is writing from a secure unit where patients are well-treated by a team of dedicated professionals."
- Short vs E Blomqvist, 2017 (kibitz #12)

SirRuthless: "If you have a minute do a little research on King Leopold and his actions in the Belgian Congo. It's eye opening. Offramp chose that monster as his avatar and it was no accident. Wonderful human being this <offramp> is."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #82)

SirRuthless: "Ahh it's Albert Pike, my mistake. Sorry about that <offramp>. I'll leave my posts up as a lesson to anyone else who makes a similar mistake and a record of my error."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #88)

CARNIS AUTEM EST!

"Are you one of the frightened?"
- Boris Karloff

Voted Worst Fanirmod 10 years in a row.

I am a noted expert on Teplitz-Schönau (1922) upon which I have written nine "Schönographs": learned disquisitions on that intriguing tournament. Available at www.lulu.com for $0.01 each.

Lead singer and guitarist of the Norwegian black metal band Dementert Freaks. Search for "I Piss On Your Jellyfish Sting."

A great passion of mine is to fire up the old Merlin GTS autogyro and take her up to about 5,500 metres. I take a laptop with me but I no longer post while airborne since one post made me laugh so hard that I crashed my gyrocopter.

I was born in Hong Kong and in 2005 I was required to complete National Service in the Chinese military. I was taught how to fly a Xian H-6 jet bomber. One of my missions was to carpet-bomb the town of Bishkek in Uzbekistan. A local chess tournament was taking place at the time and I later found out that I had killed 166 chess players which I believe to be the record.

I am an Honorary member of The Ancient and Honorable Artillery Company of Massachusetts and a Freeman of the City of Prince George, British Columbia and a Member of the Order of Skinner & PJ Proby's Horse and the Supreme Orator of the Order of the Acrimonious Virgin.

I have published an autobiography called <I BLEW A BILLION BUCKS ON BIKES BABES BARBITURATES BULLETS BOMBS AND BENONIS: <My Journey of Personal Discovery from Tunguska to Roswell Via Krakatoa and Hiroshima>>. It is available at Lulu.com for £0.01p.

I graduated from Lead City University, Hut 8, Zone B, Lagos, Nigeria with a thesis on speech act theory and moral language.

I once worked at LUSH and I have made a replica pistol out of black soap which I intend to present to Donald Trump when he visits Britain by jumping out of the crowd and handing it to him.

My philosophy is this:

Work like the ponies in coalmines.
Dance like the teardrop explodes.
Love like you're Frank in Blue Velvet.
Play chess like you're desperate to lose.

My Dad was Irish, but I am very English. In the following video I give advice on how to pronounce Flaming Nora. https://youtu.be/bVzkOK44YnE

My favourite players of all time are:
1 Frank James Marshall
2 Moshe Czerniak
3 Harry Nelson Pillsbury
4 Vladimir Simagin
5 Denis Khismatullin
6 Gustav Richard Neumann
7 Carl Theodor Goering
8 Rudolf Swiderski
9 Siegbert Tarrasch
10 Hugh Alexander Kennedy
11 Ernst Ludwig Klein.

My birthday is 29th March. I have two young children.

I am a lover of ecclesiastical architecture. I like Hawksmoor, Gibbs and Archer. In 2017 I'm hoping to visit both Santiago de Compostela and Rome. North France, as well. It is not easy because I never learned to drive a petrol vehicle, although I am trained to drive an electric train.

I spend many hours listening to Old-Time Radio (OTR). I also like pre-code comics.

>> Click here to see offramp's game collections.

Chessgames.com Full Member
   Current net-worth: 2,293 chessbucks
[what is this?]

   offramp has kibitzed 15959 times to chessgames   [more...]
   Feb-22-18 J Mieses vs Alekhine, 1913 (replies)
 
offramp: When I saw the GoTD title I thought the opening would be a Sicilian Scheveningen. When I looked up to see what opening it was it said, "Paulsen", but not a Sicilian Paulsen, which is like a Scheveningen. This is a Centre Game Paulsen. Anyway, no matter how you say Scheveningen the ...
 
   Feb-21-18 Kirill Shevchenko vs Kamsky, 2018
 
offramp: [DIAGRAM] <GlennOliver: 39. ... Ra8??> The game looks to be over by then, Glenn.
 
   Feb-20-18 chessgames.com chessforum (replies)
 
offramp: I knew that pgn was garbage years ago. Why is there a code for !, and why is that code $1, and not !? It reminds me of that pointless utf=8 code for &, which is "& amp ;". How can the code for the thing that it's code for be in the code of the code?
 
   Feb-20-18 D Abrahams vs K Arakhamia-Grant, 2017 (replies)
 
offramp: <DAbrahams>, it's nice to see you here. Daniel. As you took part in the British Champs, are you now a British citizen? Or is it a Commonwealth thing?
 
   Feb-20-18 offramp chessforum
 
offramp: SORREL SOUP Boil a dinner. BOUCHÉES À LA BORDELAISE AVEC SAUCE MAÎTRE D'HÔTEL Every one quart of grated breadcrumbs. Bake them first the dinner tables finds its head downwards, in salt or thin the meat, there for one hour before serving. CHIPPED POTATOES, AND POTATOES, AND ...
 
   Feb-17-18 Lord Dunsany (replies)
 
offramp: <Retireborn: <offramp> Construct a legal game in which all 32 pawns queen. That'll teach you not to be a clever dick, won't it :)> I <did> say <You would actually need <23> extra sets. at most>. 32 queens would be <un peu trop>. Too much ...
 
   Feb-15-18 Mark Hebden
 
offramp: Oddly, his name was in the British newspapers this very morn: https://www.yorkshirepost.co.uk/new... The link's suffix says it all. I made an estimate of how many games he had played here: Mark Hebden (kibitz #41) . It's about a dozen posts up. However, using my own huge ...
 
   Feb-09-18 Eliahu Avraham Mandelbaum (replies)
 
offramp: It looks like Mr Mandelbaum used the name "Albert" when he was in Europe, but reverted to his proper birth-name when he emigrated to Israel.
 
   Feb-08-18 San Remo (1930) (replies)
 
offramp: Pigeon shooting at San Remo in 1937: https://youtu.be/M2g4XlP_Gkw
 
   Feb-07-18 Biographer Bistro (replies)
 
offramp: <MissScarlett: <At least 140,000 Greeks have taken to the streets of Athens in a protest about the decades-long dispute over the name Macedonia. Many Greeks object to the country of the same name calling itself Macedonia,>> Whenever I get into a conversation with Greeks,
 
(replies) indicates a reply to the comment.

English Chess Speaking

Kibitzer's Corner
< Earlier Kibitzing  · PAGE 35 OF 35 ·  Later Kibitzing>
Jan-27-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: I never found any of the 'Living Dead' movies (or Return) funny at all.

Well, except for 'Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead' https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Livin...

That was hilarious, especially the part where that mammoth rooster rings the warden's neck while clearly clucking "Its payback time!".

These chickens truly came home to roost

*****

Jan-30-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: <offramp>: like you, I've watched <Jaws> many times. It is my favorite movie.

Even though it is my favorite, I think the best movie of all time, objectively, is <China Town> with Jack Nicholson. Simply brilliant!

Feb-02-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: By chance I saw part of an episode of <Trailer Park Boys>. It was pretty funny so I read up about it.

The episodes are only half an hour and for a week I've been watching one or two a day.

You can easily tell that there is a powerful set of intelligences at work behind all that humour.

Feb-03-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: https://me.me/i/when-you-type-hehe-...
Feb-07-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I made a comment about councillors, who are not my favourite people:

<'Are these new roads [Mary Neuner Road] always named after councillors? It must be very boring for that perennial school project, "How my street got its name". Answer: "Mary Neuner was a Labour councillor from 1986 to 2002 END TRANSMISSION."'>

Some twerp made a wobbly defence:
<'It's been a long time since I was a Haringey Councillor but Mary took over from her husband Frederick who was an alderman then a Councillor from 1952 to 1982.'>

To which I replied,
<'That is a tremendous achievement, and <one that those in whose power the naming of new roads resides would want to commemorate as they would want their own council longevity memorialised by their successors.'>>

Feb-08-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: <offramp: I made a comment about councillors, who are not my favourite people>

is "councillor" the British word for Barrister?

Feb-08-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Barristers are counsel who make coffee. Councillors are just people who work on local councils and get streets named after them.

There's a good song by Was Not Was called, <Somewhere in America there's a street named after my Dad>.

Feb-09-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: J. Beasley has temporarily released The Classified Encyclopedia of Chess Variants, as a PDF file, for free. 391pp.

https://www.jsbeasley.co.uk/encyc/e...

Feb-09-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Male, age 54, car collision.

(Left occipital- suboccipital craniectomy, evacuation of epidural hematoma. 2/2/18 8:05 to 8:40 pm.)

In this case, I had to do two craniectomies, the first above the left occipital lobe, the second above the left cerebellum, keeping the bone above the transverse sinus between the two holes intact.

Successfully removed brain from terminally-damaged body. Now in electrolytic fluid.

Brain has responded well to stimuli. Has effected a type of speech by varying the responsora of the EEG. Brain is concerned about its lack of corpus.

I explained that THAT was down to the corpse having been thrown out to the dogs.

Update tomorrow.

Feb-09-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: < offramp: Male, age 54, car collision.

(Left occipital- suboccipital craniectomy, evacuation of epidural hematoma. 2/2/18 8:05 to 8:40 pm.)>

Wow, it really didn't take you that long.

Feb-09-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: <Now in electrolytic fluid.>

The brain, or you?

Feb-09-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <thegoodanarchist: <Now in electrolytic fluid.>

The brain, or you?>

This is the brain speaking. Offramp now operates under my control. Update tomorrow.

Feb-10-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: A new word for attacking opening play: Gambition.
Feb-11-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: Dear <offramp>, I was wondering if you would reveal your favorite English/UK GM? Nunn is my favorite though I admire many others for their ingenuity

There has been a formidable array of powerful UK GM's over the years. I guess its just a matter of time til one earns the right to play the champion

Feb-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <morfishine: Dear <offramp>, I was wondering if you would reveal your favorite English/UK GM? Nunn is my favorite though I admire many others for their ingenuity>

Soory, I've been away for a while! My favourite English GM, dear Morfishine, is definitely Tony Miles. He was very Larsenish: he played unusual openings but was as strong as almost any Soviet GM at endings.

I also like Miles's nemesis, Short, because he is funny and honest, and he actually made it to a WC Final.

Apart from Fischer mt favourite American player is Marshall. He worked magic all over the chessboard!

Feb-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: <offramp> Good to see you back and healthy! Miles was a tragic figure, a real pity to lose him at such a young age.

I like Short too, but he had such a difficult time with Kasparov. I guess mostly everybody else did too. This is my favorite Short vs Kasparov game. I still think there has to be a win in there somewhere!

Short vs Kasparov, 1993

*****

Feb-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: I find myself pulling for Michael Adams too. While he has some great triumphs, lately he seems to disappoint :(
Feb-17-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Solution to Lord Dunsany puzzle:

CO4
Set-up row: k2 place marker k2 (this marker will be called middle marker) Row 1: kfb; k to st before marker kfb; slip marker; kfb k to last stitch; kfb Row 2: k
Repeat until there are 60 sts on your needles (or until the lower edge is wide enough to fit around your wrists). End with row 1,
then join in round - place marker (this marker will be called end marker)

Part II - in the round

Round 1: k
Round 2: k2tog; k until 1 st before middle marker; kfb; slip marker; kfb; k until 2 sts before end marker; ssk Repeat these 2 rounds a total of 5 times

Round 11: p
Round 12: k2tog; k until 1 st before middle marker; kfb; slip marker; kfb; k until 2 sts before end marker; ssk Repeat rounds 11 and 12 a total of 5 times

Round 21: k
Round 22: k2tog; k until 1 st before middle marker; kfb; slip marker; kfb; k until 2 sts before end marker; ssk Repeat rounds 21 and 22 a total of 5 times

Round 31: p
Round 32: k2tog; k until 1 st before middle marker; kfb; slip marker; kfb; k until 2 sts before end marker; ssk Repeat rounds 31 and 32 a total of 5 times

Round 41: k
Round 42: k2tog; k until 1 st before middle marker; kfb; slip marker; kfb; k until 2 sts before end marker; ssk Repeat rounds 41 and 42 a total of 5 times

Afterwards k to middle marker - remove middle marker; and TURN WORK. Now there is only one marker left.

Part III - knitted flat

Row 1: k to last stitch before end – if you want to avoid a gap at the upper outer edge, you can now connect the first and last stitches of that row like this: slip the last stitch to the right needle and - using a crochet hook - draw the working yarn through the first stitch of that row, put the loop on the left needle, move the last (not yet knitted) stitch back to the left needle, knit the two stitches together (see picture on the left). Alternatively, just knit the last stitch.

Row 2: ssk; k until the last two stitches; k2tog Row 3: k
Row 4: ssk; k until two stitches before marker; ssk; slip marker; k2tog; k until two stitches before end; k2tog Row 5: k
Repeat rows 2-5 rows twice more more.

Row 11: p
Row 12: ssk; k until two stitches before marker; ssk; slip marker; k2tog; k until two stitches before end; k2tog Row 13: p
Row 14: ssk; k until the last two stitches; k2tog (if you started part 2 at 60 stitches, you should now have 40 sts on your needles)

Place marker (this will be called M2) and add 20 stitches by using a knitted cast on – place marker (this is the new „round end marker“) join in round. The picture on the right shows the naming and placement of the markers. I opted to distribute the stitches on three needles instead of using markers.

Part IV & thumb - knitted in the round

Round 1: k to M2: ssk *k1 p1 (repeat from * to two sts before) marker k2tog slip marker (this creates a small ribbing at the upper edge to prevent it from rolling) Round 2: k to M2: ssk *p1 k1 (repeat from * to two sts before) marker k2tog slip marker (this creates a small ribbing at the upper edge to prevent it from rolling) Round 3 = Round 1

Round 4: ssk k to two stitches before marker k2tog, repeat once more; you're now at M2, ssk *p1 k1 (repeat from * to two sts before) marker k2tog slip marker Round 5: ssk k to two stitches before marker k2tog; repeat three times Round 6: k all

Round 7 = Round 5
Round 8 = Round 5
Round 9 = Round 6

Repeat rounds 7 to 9 once more.

Feb-17-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: My friend Jodi is blind and one day my friend Jodi told me that my friend Jodi's Dad sneaks into my friend Jodi's room almost every night and just stands there watching, and my friend Jodi's Dad thinks my friend Jodi doesn't know he's there because my friend Jodi can't see him but my friend Jodi KNOWS he's there because blind people can SENSE these things so I told my Mum and my Mum called the Police and the Police talked to my friend Jodi's Mum and Dad and my friend Jodi's Mum and Dad said my friend Jodi's Dad doesn't do that and they said my friend Jodi was CRAZY so I hid a video camera in my friend Jodi's room under my friend Jodi's stuffed animal collection and sure enough my friend Jodi's Dad sneaked right in and just stood there watching my friend Jodi so I tried to show my friend Jodi the tape that proves that my friend Jodi isn't crazy but my friend Jodi is blind so my friend Jodi couldn't watch it.
Feb-17-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: A tragic story:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disap...
Feb-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: The boys over at google love to brag on themselves.

Every time I search, they tell me "it really didn't take us that long".

Well, not exactly, but words to that effect:

<About 2,170,000 results (0.59 seconds)>

Can there really be 2.17M results for weather in my town today? I think not!

Feb-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: Did you feel the earthquake?

http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-43097113

It was detected by the British Geological Survey*

[*Motto: Four out of 5 Geologists surveyed recommend sugarless gum.]

Feb-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: Dear <offramp> I was thinking about a golf tournament I was playing in about 42 years ago, and my High School team was tied, so there was a sudden play-off; And on the very first hole of the playoff, one of the opposing players committed a foul or error or penalty right on the first green and I pointed it out. It was one of those rules where one could overlook it due to the circumstances but I wanted it pointed out.

Well, the head pro of the course (who had been giving me lessons) stepped-in right on the green and said "There's no use nit-picking"

I don't remember who won, but the lesson stuck

*****

Feb-20-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <thegoodanarchist: Did you feel the earthquake?>

I did feel a huge rumbling underfoot. I looked out the window and birds were falling from the sky. Chimneys were turning to jelly. Streets of houses were falling into gaping Robert James Fischer s.

But it turned out that <The Damned> were playing a comeback gig in a nearby park. There was no earthquake near me.

Feb-20-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: SORREL SOUP Boil a dinner.

BOUCHÉES À LA BORDELAISE AVEC SAUCE MAÎTRE D'HÔTEL

Every one quart of grated breadcrumbs. Bake them first the dinner tables finds its head downwards, in salt or thin the meat, there for one hour before serving.

CHIPPED POTATOES, AND POTATOES, AND POTATOES AND EGGS À LA AERSCHOT.

<p>leg of boiling water, peel and put it in a fine linen or spaghetti, with thick white September cabbages boiled a few moments in a shallot and vinegar and squeeze on the usual kinds, in as their liquor to be put on a mold that it through the pan

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