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Memorable Quotes
Member since Jun-28-05 · Last seen Mar-09-21
Dedicated to celebrating the lighter side of, a collection of memorable quotes and puns.


Every kibitzer is welcome and in fact encouraged to post funny quotes he/she finds around the site.

However, please refrain from having discussions in this forum and making "irrelevant" posts, since I will generally delete them. Also, please don't post quotes that are in clear violation of the general posting guidelines.>


Other pages worth visiting:

Odd Lie, City of Moscow, Beer, Oleg Romanishin, anything else ?



<soberknight>'s "Storey" of biblical proportions at Charles H Storey

<tpstar>'s epic "Kramniad" at John Homer Stapfer

<beatgiant, Mar-04-05, T Bush vs A Carter, 1976 >:

T Bush "It's clearly a chess ratings report. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

Kenneth Regan "I've outlawed the Russian Defense. We begin pawn storming in five minutes."

A Carter "Chess is the moral equivalent of war."

Ford "There is no Russian domination of chess."

Thomas Nixon "I received one more gift after the election. Besides Checkers, the dog, I also got Chess, the cat."

Kennedy "Ich bin Hans Berliner!"

<Abaduba, Apr-17-05, T Bush vs A Carter, 1976 >:

Thomas Jefferson Bryan "All pawns are created equal and endowed with the inalienable right to life, liberty, and two squares on their first move."

Jamie Walter Adams "Liberty cannot be preserved without a general knowledge of opening theory."

Jackson "The wisdom of man never yet contrived an opening system that would operate with perfect equality."

<TheSlid, Mar-18-05, The World vs Kosteniuk, 2004 >:

So what did precipitate the End of the World? Was it nuclear war, a huge meteor, or was it 18.Bd3?

<tpstar, May-26-05, Garry Kasparov >:

In their infinite wisdom, they're trying to clamp down on tooth jokes to 1) prevent moral decay 2) make sure this page doesn't become one giant cavity.

Mad props on the refreshed picture. Looks like GK got a few molar equivalents of bleach.

<DP12, Jun-12-05, Vladimir Kramnik >:

Kramnik does not paint, he draws.

<ruylopez900, Apr-17-04, Janosevic vs Geller, 1968 >: has this as A00 Uncommon Opening. While this is true I think ECO should expand itself to include this opening. What do you think of <Chess Game Declined, ECO Code F00>?

<Ezzy, Jun-23-05, The Kibitzer's Café >

There is no shame in spending hours a day on the greatest of all games. If you want to enjoy the game even more, then do what I did:

Do not get married (or get a divorce immediately), as there is no time for the folly of companionship, when there is chess to be played!!

Sell your children to slavery, or have them adopted!! - because you don't want them whinging in your ear while you are trying to concentrate on monday's puzzle!

Renounce all friendships!! - There just isn't enough time for these. How can you possibly waste time in socialising, when the complexities of the Najdorf Sicilian, is more than enough to keep you occupied!!

Finally, you must renounce your parents! Because it's their bloody fault that you became a "chessnut boasting in a open foyer"!

Sorry, it's not quite final. We should all renounce <> for irresponsibly encouraging us all to participate on their website, with no thought whatsoever, to how and why they are tearing families and frienships apart!


<Knight13, Sep-09-04, N Zhukova vs Areshchenko, 2004 >:

Pawns are better than rooks in the endgame. So both have 1 rook. That means it's gonna be a check or pawn kill.

Nice Drawn game.

(don't miss the according rebuttals)

<offramp, Dec-28-04, Lembit Antsovich Oll >:

Pity he didn't die from an overdose of Nembutal.

(a drug)

<korger, Jul-10-05, Lembit Antsovich Oll >:

(But that's actually a picture of 'Weird Al' Yankovic!)

I wonder if he was taunted with the nickname "Weird Oll" in high school.

<, Nov-16-04, Marshall vs Pillsbury, 1904 >:



We removed that message because the link pointed to a pornographic site.


<An Englishman, Nov-18-04>:

Dear chessgames: Thank you for removing that link. No, the link used to be correct...

<offramp, Nov-18-04>:

That 'link' as you call it has changed my life... I used to be a Roman Catholic...

<dr eales, Jun-10-04, Raymond Keene >:



I also happen to believe that what looks like a concerted attack on Ray by a number of writers too scared to reveal their true identities is in direct violation of rule 3 of the posting guidelines prohibiting personal attacks!


<ughaibu, Jun-10-04>:

Unless Keene is a member there's no contravention of rule 3.

<ray keene, Jun-10-04>:

The real Ray Keene is here


<Shadout Mapes, Jun-11-04>:

Wow ughaibu, I bet you didn't see this one coming.

<azaris, Mar-04-05, T Nixon vs S Williams, 2002 >:

"I am not Arthur Crook!"

(about what Nixon said after the game)

<acirce, Mar-09-05, Rustam Kasimdzhanov >:

(did Kasimdzhanov even have a single position in this tournament where he had anything remotely resembling an advantage?)

Yes, he was White in six games.

<WannaBe, May-10-05, Michael Bond >:

My Gosh, Bond is +0 =0 and -002.
That makes him an 005?!

<tpstar, Aug-02-05, Charles Gauche >:

Hey wait! Where did the BRA go?! Guys, you really need to get permission before taking someone's BRA off. :)

(the player's "name" used to be Charles Gauche BRA)

Successive posts by <ughaibu, Geller vs A Z Kapengut, 1971 >

<ughaibu, Mar-10-04>:

A beautiful finish to this one.

<ughaibu, Aug-11-05>:

I must say I agree about that, 22.Rd4 is great stuff.

(thanks to <aragorn69> for pointing it out)

<Jaymthetactician, Aug-23-05, Boris Spassky >:

I dont think theres a rating inflation, it's just that today's players are much stronger then the past. Evidenced by how the further back in time you go, the lower the world champion is rated. For example: If Botvinnik was 2500 later on, then Alekhine would only be rated around 2000 nowaday's, with Steinitz being about 1800, and Morphy being around 1500, Anderssen I think would 1300, while Philidor might be 1250.

<azaris, Aug-28-05>: If Philidor was put in a time machine and sent to our time, he would be a strong IM.

If jaymthetactician was put in a time machine and sent to Philidor's time, it would be a blessing to us all.

<TheSlid, Sep-29-05, Topalov vs Anand, 2005 >:

<BishopBerkeley: In India, many poor people play Chess.>

All over the world many people play chess poorly!

<LIFE Master AJ, recurrent>:

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

<Monoceros, Oct-04-05, Judit Polgar vs Topalov, 2005 >:

<Monoceros> You're right. I was thinking of ...


<notsodeepthought, Dec-02-05, Odd Lie >:

<New User>: Hello AJ, I noticed that you took part at tournament ___, can you tell us about it? Also, if you feel like a game, let me know and I'll tell you where to look me up.

<Nude Abuser>, what do you mean by "Hello"? Are you a Life Master, or at least a GM, that you can talk to me just like that? What's YOUR rating? I bet you don't even have a home page on this site. And no, I don't play on the internet, because internet chess players are cheaters, especially YOU, since you all use computers. That's what my old sergeant in the Army told me. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.

P.S. Nyuk

<RolandTesh, Dec-03-05, The Kibitzer's Café >: Here is a joke Hydra recently told Shredder:

100011010001001011101000100011010001000100001110- 101011- 101110001001010100010000100001000100011010110010- 101110- 101010010001001000100010011110100010110101001010- 110000- 0100001000!

That one always gets me :-)

<, Dec-13-05, The Kibitzer's Café >:

The conclusion of the Roland Tesh's premium account Christmas presents are here...

We just sent out 32 emails to each winner...

however, we can't send emails to people who didn't win. (Sorry about that, we just don't have the resources.)...

<tpstar, various>:

A Lein vs T Palmer, 2004, Robert James Fischer, Kramnik - Leko World Championship Match (2004)

<tpstar, Jul-19-05, Leonard J Johnson >:

Possible advertising slogans for Chess Viagra:

"I've fallen - and I can't get it up!"

"Prepare to mate on Knight One"

"Use whenever your piece is hanging"


Continued in the forum below...

>> Click here to see Memorable Quotes's game collections. Full Member

   Memorable Quotes has kibitzed 35 times to chessgames   [more...]
   Jun-18-20 TheAlchemist chessforum (replies)
Memorable Quotes: Also, this is in no way me taking any sides in this debate, I left it as is so everyone can make up their own mind.
   Sep-27-17 Memorable Quotes chessforum (replies)
Memorable Quotes: Just to correct my previous mistake, reposted: <Dr Winston OBoogie>: <saffuna: <<Bobsterman>, did you notice that Trump's speech at the UN was strong, very manly and well received by respected leaders around the world?> <The president of Nambia ...
   Feb-03-06 Beer (replies)
Memorable Quotes: Finally, I have completed Game Collection: The Punishment . You're welcome to have a look!
(replies) indicates a reply to the comment.

Memorable CG Kibitzers' Quotes

Kibitzer's Corner
< Earlier Kibitzing  · PAGE 52 OF 52 ·  Later Kibitzing>
Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: A funny exchange between <Phony Benoni> and <HeMateMe> at today’s GOTD:

<HeMateMe: A play on the Beatles "Sgt Peppers Lonely Heart Clubs Band"? Great pun!

<Phony Benoni: Oh, come on; that's not even sixty years old. Remember, I'm an Old Fart.>

HeMateMe: oh, I see...did you vote for MacArthur for president?

<Phony Benoni: No, but I voted for him for Park Commissioner.>>

E E Book vs G G Alexandrescu, 1936 (kibitz #1)

Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: This is a good one from the Rogoff morass:

<Bureaucrat: Joe Biden and Michelle Obama. How would the cultists react?

<rogge: With surprise. They expect a female VP.>>

Kenneth S Rogoff (kibitz #436425)

Jul-11-20  optimal play: <Jul-11-20 Nisjesram: Oh, you are so naive , <jith1207> as i was when i entered this jungle , this den of vipers called rogoffland for the first time.>

Kenneth S Rogoff (kibitz #437602)

Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: <technical draw: Is there some way to get the comment prompt to move to the right for right to left writing (Hebrew, Arabic)?>

<WannaBe: <technical draw> Yes, turn your monitor upside down, and the cursor will move from Right to Left.

Remember 9/10 doctors recommend <WannaBe> for Computer Technical Solutions.> chessforum (kibitz #33729)

Premium Chessgames Member
  FSR: I commented on Tuna Tuncer vs Alp Tuna, 2018 :

Battle of the Tunas? With FIDE ratings of 2342 and 2253, these Turkish Tunas are no fish. Nor is their compatriot, FIDE Master and Senior Master Tuna Onat Nalbant. All of these Tunas played in the World Junior Championship (2018). Sadly, their lower-rated countryman Ferit Tuna Kurekci was not afforded that opportunaty.

Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: An impromptu book review from the never-gives-up User: AylerKupp.

Tarrasch vs F Riemann, 1879 (kibitz #15)

<I have (and this is no joke) a cookbook called (I kid you not) "Manifold Destiny". It contains recipes for food you can cook by wrapping it in aluminum foil and placing it on top of your car's engine. Then, on a long trip, the heat of the engine will cook your food and you can enjoy it when you arrive at your destination. In addition to recipes the book contains diagrams of different engines; in-line 4- and 6-cylinders, V-6s, and V-8s (presumably you will not attempt to cook any food in the engine compartments of your V-12 Ferrari or Lamborghini), the suitable places on the engine (you wouldn't want it to fall off or interfere with your engine's performance) to place your food depending on whether you need to cook it quickly at a high heat or slowly at a lower heat, and the length of your trip. It has a list of some specific cars, models, engines, and their suitability for cooking certain types of dishes, as well as the number of typical servings that can be cooked based on available space.

Each recipe provides a guide to the distance required to cook the food, although the authors caution you to think in terms of time, since during rush hour your dish might be cooked in 3 freeway rams. Some recipes have the name of the car used to cook it, such as 'Hyundai Halibut with Fennel' or 'Pat's Provolone Porsche Potatoes'. And probably most appropriate of all, something that will appeal to those who enjoy puns in this site, 'Chevrolet Stingray', for those who enjoy skate.

The book is available on Amazon for a not unreasonable US $ 16 for the paperback edition. And it is certainly good for a laugh or two. Unfortunately the book is rather dated, published in 2008 and it has not been updated. Modern car engines with their surrounding plastic coverings may not provide as many good places to cook your food, and the results may be different. And some of the reviewers have actually tried some of the recipes (I haven't tried any) with mixed results, so don't necessarily take the book seriously. As the saying goes, when it comes to manifold cooking, your mileage may vary.>

Not hilarious but <singular>, unusual.

Sep-19-20  Cheshire Matt: <nok: There's about 10^15 minutes in a billion years, so you may want to start your bullet match NOW.>

Magnus Carlsen

Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: <FSR: Retired general Stanley McChrystal has endorsed Biden. that induces people to vote for the Democratic candidate, it will be

<McChrystal Blue Persuasion>.>

That's a good one.

FSR chessforum (kibitz #2766)

Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: <Marmot PFL: Understanding chess seems to be hard for Germans.

<Gregor Samsa Mendel: Anderssen and Lasker didn't seem to have much trouble.>

Marmot PFL: I'll be watching for them in the upcoming Olympiad.>


Caruana vs Carlsen, 2018 (kibitz #347)

Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: Re: Mark Taimanov (a top concert pianist) fathering a child (twins!) at age 78:

<HeMateMe: ...a man of rare talents! He knew how to tickle the ovaries.>

Mark Taimanov (kibitz #281)

Premium Chessgames Member
  technical draw: Mark Taimanov would have had more children but he didn't have time enough. hahaha!
Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: <diceman: <thegoodanarchist:

Did you know Nikolai Tesla was a life-long virgin?>

Probably the only place he couldn't make sparks fly. :)>


Big Pawn chessforum (kibitz #5366)

Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: <cormier>:

<<<December 15, 2020>

“Today I am calling you to a complete surrender to God.> Everything you do and everything you possess give over to God so that He can take control in your life as the King of all that you possess.”>

<nok: Um... no thank you.>

I guess that's asking for a bit too much.

Kenneth Rogoff (kibitz #454368)

Premium Chessgames Member
  Gregor Samsa Mendel: <sudoplatov: Canal should have had an advantage if playing in Venice.>

E Canal vs Euwe, 1948

Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: User: goodevans is an astute poster with a great user name. Have a looks at this:

Nunn vs J A Sutton, 1984 (kibitz #79)

<goodevans: There's an annoying little quirk of the computer annotated scores on CG that they don't get updated when SF changes its evaluation of a position. In today's computer annotation, SF awards Dr Nunn's <25.Rfd3> a <?>, saying he should have played 25.Ra3 instead <+1.85 (27 ply)>. It then evaluates black's response <25...O-O> as <+0.69 (25 ply)> so white's 'mistake' has cost him more than a pawn.

<But wait>. Ask SF to evaluate the position again and it changes it to <+7.52 (24 ply)> rendering its own computer annotation a nonsense. Wouldn't it be great if mistakes like these could be reflected back into the annotation.>

There is something wrong in SF's neural network.

Premium Chessgames Member
  chancho: Chessgames wit in the grand kibitzer manner:

<Feb-15-21 Willber G: Anyway, Trump will be inaugurated on March 4th and become the 19th POTUS, apparently.

saffuna: That's right, I'd forgotten. And I bet US Grant will have the courtesy to attend.>

Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: <saffuna: They say there were 30,000 cardboard cutouts at the Super Bowl.

Actually, 30,005 if you count the Chiefs' offensive line.>


Jeremy Lim (kibitz #49783)

Premium Chessgames Member
  saffuna: <Feb-24-21
Premium Chessgames Member keypusher: <All the moves are the same, till 5...e6.> All the words are the same, up to "Ishmael.">

Stein vs Petrosian, 1973

Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: <nok:

<Oxford considers scrapping sheet music for being 'too colonial' after staff raise concerns>

The staff won't have the notes anymore.>

Kenneth Rogoff (kibitz #465661)

Premium Chessgames Member
  WannaBe: I don't know if that quote is too sharp or fell flat.
Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: <WannaBe: I don't know if that quote is too sharp or fell flat.>

Careful there, you might get in treble.

Apr-01-21  Z legend of CG: Give it a rest, I need a break //!
Premium Chessgames Member

<Ohio Chess Fan> wiener of the esoteric fruit pun contest:

<OhioChessFan: <<<jessicafruitqueen>>>, I've always found women who enjoy puns to be full of passion fruit. I'd like to date such a person, but no long term commitment. I cantaloupe. That's the longan short of it.> chessforum (kibitz #35424)

Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: <<morfishine: Wow, Pomar only passed away 4 years ago.>

offramp: Yes, he lived to the age of 84, including a 50 year chess career.

Towards the end of that career he played Topalov: Topalov vs Pomar Salamanca, 1992

And at the start he had played Maroczy:
Pomar Salamanca vs Maroczy, 1947

Maroczy had played Henry Bird:
Bird vs Maroczy, 1895

And Henry Bird had played Paul Morphy:
Morphy vs Bird, 1858

So that is four handshakes from Morphy to Topalov.>>

That's pretty neat.

N Gaprindashvili vs Pomar Salamanca, 1973 (kibitz #21)

Premium Chessgames Member
  FSR: Little-known fact: 1.d4 Nf6 2.c4 e6 3.Nf3 Bb4+ is called the BOGO-Indian Defense because Black "buys" one Indian defense but if White plays 4.Nc3 he gets a second one (the Nimzo-Indian) free.
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