1 Then Hera continued: "The Dark One is living a lie

2 He may seem only a mild-mannered chess player

3 But his pathology is a thousand times more savage

4 And more terrifying than ever encountered before

5 Classic duplicity: license to love, insurance to hold

6 He melts all your memories, and change into gold

7 His eyes are like angels, but his heart is cold

8 He's a loverboy at play, girl, he don't play by rules

9 Never should have been invited to London anyway

10 Everyone knew the proper challenger was my Shirov

11 An amazingly nice guy for such a top level player

12 Cazorla 1998 arranged with the expressed purpose

13 Of selecting a challenger to compete for the WC title

14 My Shirov clearly convincingly beat The Dark One

15 Earning the right to challenge Kasparov for the crown

16 Yet The Dark One becomes undisputed Champion? He

17 Didn't beat several opponents like candidates of old

18 No qualification system beyond an impure generosity

19 The Dark One being picked to play was totally unfair

20 By accepting the match he is clearly an opportunist

21 I would like to see someone strip him of the title soon

22 Alexei even defeated them both at Rock Paper Scissors

23 But to no avail, since his prayers went unanswered

24 Those two shabbily turned their back on poor Shirov

25 They now have no normal relations among the three

26 My Shirov had his chance taken away, utter disgrace

27 Then London 2000 was controversial to say the least

28 Pit Bull Kasparov gummed down by toothless Sharpie

29 So what about any rematch after this Greek Gift?

30 By my thinking he should be entitled to a rematch

31 If number two can challenge, then so can number one

32 I don't understand why The Dark One gets a free pass

33 For the way in which he 'earned' his title shot, but

34 Kasparov is supposed to go through a qualifying cycle

35 The original challenger produced without qualification

36 Thus Kasparov should have received a return match

37 It doesn't help his standing in history to avoid one

38 As an auto at Karpov's Kar Lot, he'd be a Dodge

39 And what of any plans to defend this tainted title?

40 He refuses to play the strongest players in the world

41 He has done nothing to establish new challengers

42 It is so unfair to the other elite players all this time

43 Who never had a chance to compete for the title

44 My Shirov gone without, my Anand blocked out

45 No real effort was made to find the top challenger

46 Haunting The Dark One as he searches for respect

47 Becoming four endless years of pointless stalling"

1 Then Hera continued: "The Dark One fails on his word

2 Seemingly so worn down by 'the burden of the title'

3 Listen as I recite more of his personal quotations:

4 'In order to create a work of art a player needs time'

5 Now honestly, art represented by those short draws?

6 The blandest, most unengaging style I've ever seen

7 Flavor like Styrofoam and exciting like drying paint

8 'If you remove the beauty and deepness of chess

9 It becomes a circus act' - oh yes, well spoken indeed

10 His smoke and mirrors show smacks of a circus act

11 The man is ruining chess with his approach and style

12 You'd figure there would be more kibitzing about him

13 But is there any more boring player in chess today?

14 'I really can't remember what my current rating is

15 I wouldn't like to sound immodest; when you become

16 World Champion, you don't pay too much attention'

17 He'd better start paying attention, since his own rating

18 Has been steadily plummeting over the last four years

19 This year he failed to break even in three major events

20 'The only one who never makes a mistake is the one

21 Who never does anything' - why yes, he would know

22 He has accomplished precious little over four years

23 A parasite paid for lousy performance or absence of it

24 Instead of popularizing the game, as a person that most

25 Profited from others before him, he's abusing the game

26 For personal gain, abusing others in the profession

27 'A painter never asks people what they want to see'

28 Basically by giving his whole 'a painter paints' rant

29 He was flipping us the bird, shoving it to chess fans

30 OK, go ahead and paint, but don't ask money for it

31 Players like him are the reason chess isn't on TV

32 And that chess players today are paid like bums

33 If chess is ever to get sponsors, the World Champion

34 Is gonna have to show at least some fighting spirit

35 Just like a lawyer, he knows how to play the system

36 Not in a way that would idealize himself to the public

37 Even his one book was boring, 'My Life and Games'

38 Proving for the record that he's last among equals

39 The Dark One owns the weirdest collection of fans

40 Gays, commies, orthodox Russian nationalists, even

41 A few teenage girls and cat lovers, the Cher of chess

42 Just listen to his ardent and fervent supporter Circe:

43 'It's not fair to demand more of a player just because

44 He has a title' - what profound intellectual dishonesty!

45 We should expect much more from a World Champion

46 He must galvanize professionals and inspire amateurs

47 Compete at the highest level or else vacate the title"

1 Then Hera continued: "The Dark One is bad for chess

2 He Who Cannot Be Named was once a good analyst

3 One of the thousand best ones in all of the world

4 Today just a DRAWNIK: Decline Rematch Against

5 What's-his-name Now I'm King, oh that's so clever

6 He could easily author 'My Sixty Memorable Draws'

7 Along with 'How to Equalize With the White Pieces'

8 His tournament strategy is 'I came, I saw, I drew'

9 Drawing 72% of his 174 games over the last 4 years

10 Plus abominably short draws: 18% under 20 moves

11 Simply inexcusable for a sitting World Champion

12 You could replace him with a 20 move opening book

13 Nobody would notice; his games don't last that long

14 He has an abundance of natural talent and coasts on it

15 Meekly accepting draws with inferior opponents, then

16 Wimping out of trying for the win unless it's obvious

17 The greatest trick that devil ever pulled was convincing

18 The World he didn't exist, and like that, he's gone

19 His great predecessor gets noticed everywhere he goes

20 But The Dark One can't get noticed anywhere he goes

21 He plays a few games, then heads straight for Uranus

22 After Dortmund 2001, The Dark One enters seclusion

23 For 17 months to avoid playing any supertournaments

24 Only three standard games against human opposition

25 Returning to play Corus 2003, tying for 4-8 with 8/13

26 Clearly he is avoiding Kasparov, my Anand, everyone

27 So far the KAK Triangle hasn't met for two years

28 Top players whine about lack of big money events

29 While at the same time Linares this year was horrible

30 Overabundance of pathetic boring early short draws

31 Antipopularizing chess, behaving as a greedy coward

32 Preening and posturing causing a freefall from grace

33 In four years he's done nothing to promote the game

34 Kasparov battled X3D Fritz on ESPN for all to see

35 And The Dark One did what? A sad simultaneous

36 Against the German team, no personality or panache

37 Such players actually harm chess and inspire no one

38 Sponsors dislike them, and their cool professionalism

39 Impairs the magic of this noble game beyond repair

40 At top level chess he has made himself irrelevant

41 His contributions to theory miniscule, nothing at all

42 Weak lunges toward reunification patently insincere

43 Fully unrepentant to his key role in creating chaos

44 The Dark One has single-handedly ruined chess today

45 Driving untold millions away in boredom and despair

46 The worst World Champion in the history of the game

47 Therefore he is forever hated like dark death is hated"

1 Zeus was quelling quite the quintessential quandary

2 Removing The Dark One from ruling our chess world

3 While restoring Kasparov's position in full effect

4 Ares god of War fiercely supported The Dark One

5 Zeus would need a coalition of the willing to prevail

6 But Ares was silent no longer: "Well this is it now

7 Everybody get down, this is all I can take, listen up

8 Our Vlady is truthfully a worthy World Champion

9 Sacrificing his life to play for his own love of chess

10 He plays tough defensive chess that is hard to beat

11 Powerful positional play with flawless technique

12 He makes the most accurate moves like a machine

13 He is also excellent at calculating long variations

14 Amateurs boast how they also could easily draw

15 Mighty Vlady - yeah, with a pen and paper, maybe

16 Plus it's not like it's his duty to satisfy the crowd

17 Vlady won the proper title fair and square from Harry

18 Then dominates over the chess world for four long years

19 And the Fischer King was our worst Champion ever"

20 Zeus brought Ares back to earth begging the question:

21 "Alas, Bobby did many deeds ascending the mountain

22 So we forgive his zero sum after reaching the summit"

23 Ares praised his hero three times, Poseidon rebutting:

24 He's a fearless figure, actively looking for challengers"

25 "Ha! Nobody believes that propaganda, not even you"

26 "His team constantly sought a rematch with Weinstein"

27 "Ha! Nobody believes that propaganda, not even you"

28 "He's spent four years trying to unify the chess world"

29 "Ha! Nobody believes that propaganda, not even you"

30 Poseidon had heard enough about such alleged qualities:

31 "Awful Ares, hateful and hurtful, wretched and wicked

32 Forever fighting beats your heart, wars, battles, disputes

33 Unfathomable abuse, catty quarrels, childish arguing

34 The Dark One ruined friendships and sparked divorces

35 It is totally unfair to subject our chess world to his evil"

36 Apollo sang his message to Zeus through sweet music:

37 "When wilt thou save the people, O God of mercy when?

38 The people, Lord, the people, not thrones and crowns

39 But men? Flowers of thy heart, O God are they. Let them

40 Not pass like weeds away, their heritage a sunless day"

41 Zeus marveled aloud: "Future generations will wonder

42 Why The Dark One provokes hatred beyond all others"

43 Apollo skillfully answered: "Not after this they won't"

44 Deeming for dueling divinities to make merry again

45 Expressed Hephaestus, blessed with jest, best by test:

46 "Hey guys! Pawns are better than Rooks in the endgame

47 That means it's gonna be a Rook check or a Pawn kill!"

1 Athena goddess of Wisdom was prepared to speak

2 Proposing an ideal solution to their puzzling position:

3 "Ares, everybody has full respect for him as a player

4 But nobody has any respect for him as a Champion

5 At this rate, he might kill match play as we know it

6 Cursed Circe and these ridiculous 15 move draws

7 Fans know he's a GM, he broke 2800, and he beat

8 Kasparov convincingly, making his mark on history

9 He is simply no longer the best player around today

10 We can restore his humility by losing to Peter L"

11 "Just like Gelfand, Kamsky, Shirov and Adams"

12 "Dear Hera, please get off it for the time being

13 Father Zeus, we require a trusted mortal confidant

14 Assisting gods on high to restore order down below

15 Let us enlist the pious prophet of chessgames, tpstar

16 He knows things that are, things to come, things past

17 Tested many different times in many different settings

18 Refereed multiple Square Dance/Iron Maiden bouts

19 Composed a game with six Black Pawns on the a file

20 Forever solving the Geeky Riddle of the Sneaky Devil

21 Well versed in poetry, haikus, limericks and anagrams

22 Fluent in English, British, American, Smack and Jive

23 His versatile abilities fit very well to include among

24 A ragtag group of heroes to fight for truth and justice"

25 Aphrodite goddess of Love gave her generous assent:

26 "I agree with the sexy seer tpstar being chosen here

27 For his milkshake brings all the boyz to the yard

28 And they're like, it's better than yours, aight"

29 Ares stared blankly at her, quizzically asking: "What?!"

30 "I can teach you," she replied, "but I have to charge"

31 Artemis goddess of the Hunt was far less enthusiastic:

32 "Father, I cannot consent to that raggedy man helping

33 First, his handle and avatar are both extremely flaky

34 Second, his chess skills are meager, with lots of errors

35 Third, nobody ever gets his material anytime anyway

36 So why utilize such a dubious and unreliable source?"

37 "Sister, he drew a GM under tournament conditions

38 Under the Doctrine of Jay, he is GM strength himself"

39 Artemis reminded Athena about Championship history:

40 "Champions often play weaker after winning the title

41 Like Capablanca 1921, Botvinnik 1948, Spassky 1969

42 Perhaps we are all being too hard on The Dark One?"

43 Athena responded: "Let's remain on topic for now

44 The Dark One can regain his former strength in time

45 We should prepare a 2005 event and a 2007 cycle

46 Maybe tpstar can help us with those items as well

47 As to location, hey, one town's very like another

1 The Vision appeared to The World on October 14, 2004

2 Brought forth by tpstar, the equal of Zeus in counsel

3 Streams of words flowing forward sweeter than honey

4 On that noble site beyond all sites, chessgames.com

5 Athena came to tpstar in a Dream, seeking his help:

6 "I need you now tonight, I need you more than ever

7 If you'll only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever

8 We'll only be making it right, we'll never be wrong"

9 Thus tpstar followed Athena's bidding to the letter

10 Trying to find the magic, trying to write a classic

11 Wastebin full of paper, clever rhymes, see you later

12 These five words in my head: "I have seen the future"

13 Great Peter L shall win Game 13 in the middlegame

14 Obtaining an insurmountable lead to win their match

15 Only 1. e4 c5 1/2-1/2 for Game 14 ending one semifinal

16 Dig it like a shovel, rhyme devil on a heavenly level

17 Going next to Kasim prevailing in UAE by default

18 As Kasparov is busy signing books and campaigning

19 Matching up Peter L versus Kasim in sunny Palestine

20 Except every single game is a quick 10 move draw

21 Their Championship event reduced to maneuvering

22 After 30 draws, the chess world comes to its senses

23 Inviting the top ten players to meet in a tournament

24 An AVRO-style double round robin with new rules

25 Draws under 20 moves means each gets dealt a loss

26 For draws under 40 moves, both contestants locked

27 In a small dark room hearing "We Built This City"

28 Over and over and over again until they reach 40

29 Last place finisher automatically seeded into a reality

30 TV show "Who Wants to Marry Anna Nicole Smith?"

31 Bold rules dramatically improving the fighting nature

32 However The World is highly amused when top GMs

33 Don't remember how to mate with Bishop and Knight

34 Such was the prophecy from my parallel universe

35 All those signs, I knew what they meant, some things

36 You can invent, some get made and some get sent

37 The aforementioned craziness was thus all spelled out

38 End result being one clear winner who clearly earned

39 World Championship status, then on to the next cycle

40 Which was way beyond the scope of this message

41 Writing such a profound post being highly risky

42 Since the group was controlled by Circe's Curse

43 The Vision thus shown quietly, as select few saw it

44 Intended as a useful guidepost for future reference

45 Every word of every song that he sang was for you

46 In a flash, he was gone, it happened so soon

47 Little did anyone realize or even remotely suspect

1 The mystic island of Uranus is a mysterious locale

2 An enchanted kingdom loaded with fashion victims

3 The queerest of the queer, the strangest of the strange

4 With that unlistenable 'NSYNC music playing 24/7

5 Circe was presently having his fortune told by Iris

6 When suddenly He Who Cannot Be Named appeared

7 Circe raced toward his comrade, I mean, her comrade:

8 "Welcome home, my friend, to the pleasures of Uranus!"

9 Iris was equally thrilled seeing her star-crossed lover:

10 "Don't ask why, don't be shy, touch my bum, this is life!"

11 After such greeting and salutation, The Dark One spoke:

12 "Hey baby, uh huh huh, uh huh huh, uh huh huh"

13 Circe directed him further into her comfortable abode:

14 "Would you like some red wine, some fresh smokes?"

15 "Whoa, that'd be cool, uh huh huh, uh huh huh"

16 "Now let's talk about this Brissago match thingy"

17 "Circe, you said 'thingy' - uh huh huh, uh huh huh"

18 "Your Game 1 performance was quite impressive, that

19 Extensive opening prep, the Queen/2 Rooks endgame"

20 "Many GMs have personally written or e-mailed to tell

21 That they thought highly of my analysis of this game"

22 "Why do some fans truly hate the short ones, saying

23 Chess depends on goodwill and interest of sponsors

24 Bound to diminish by widespread no-contest draws?"

25 "They want to win by preponderance of boorishness,

26 Crudeness, enigmatic elench, ignorance, obtuseness

27 Everyone has a choice: either listen to loud, beautiful

28 Phrases or to analyze facts, and only I know the facts"

29 "Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep

30 How do you feel about your status as undisputed #1?"

31 "We must not depend on the wants of one individual

32 Even if it were a good person. FIDE doesn't want this

33 Then I will not work with them since I do not see any

34 Prospects, but I suspect FIDE can change its position

35 Me is me and I do what I believe, yeah, uh huh huh"

36 "After you draw this match, you won't reunify, right?"

37 "I will not accept other ways, I don't see any point

38 We'll have a certain order or I'm not going to unify

39 Wow, these unholy bashers twisting facts all the time"

40 "People are going to correct you when you're wrong"

41 "Rather than carping, harping, complaining, blaming,

42 Flailing, railing, why don't some of those whiners and

43 Whimperers research my record and results sometime

44 Those real slow dense tyros that don't 'unnerstand'

45 Such pure, pedantic, didactic drivel on that chess site"

46 "Alright, so where should we take vacation this year?"

47 "I would probably go the the mountains of Tibet and

1 As we revel in the gay old time found within Uranus

2 Pity the poor Shirov wildbeast cast way off to the side

3 Granddaddy of chess entertainment, a popular fixture

4 Producing masterpieces as others make insipid draws

5 Haughtily dismissed by some as a "talented amateur"

6 His aggressive, imaginative style is a crowd favorite

7 A Cancer with typical creative and intuitive qualities

8 Also breeding moodiness, thus his marital problems

9 Very brilliant career, sparkling but partially derailed

10 After one fateful game of chess lost against Ares

11 Shirov was winning, until Artemis distracted him

12 Dropping both Knights in sequence, a crushing blow

13 Thus Ares scored an illegitimate victory over Alexei

14 Ordained to lose against Kasparov every single time

15 This provision was designed to ensure that Shirov

16 Would be unfairly overlooked for London 2000

17 Their final tally +16 -0 =15, advantage Kasparov

18 You might say he was pwned up the bajew by Garry

19 Shirov was so badly cursed that when he dared draw

20 This led to thirty days confinement within Uranus

21 Being chased endlessly by those frisky SissyMarys

22 Pursuing the poor Shirov wildbeast with gay abandon

23 (We're talking Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boatride gay)

24 Tuxedo attired, dying to dance the French Mistake:

25 "All I know is that to me, you look like a lot of fun

26 Open up your loving arms, watch out here I come"

27 Shirov hated his banishment periods, crying aloud:

28 "I walked past these dudes when they passed me

29 One of 'em felt my booty he was nasty" - poor guy

30 So his wildly erratic performances make more sense

31 In 1998 the World Chess Council arranged a match

32 But Anand declined to play: "I am a man of my word"

33 Thus Shirov battled against The Dark One in Cazorla

34 Winning this match cleanly, now the WC challenger

35 But no, chess world robbed of an entertaining match

36 It was a shameful thing to steal the match from Shirov

37 The Dark One lost Cazorla presumably by "accident"

38 Yet He Who Cannot Be Named took over in London

39 (Note "Sramnik" is Russian for "the shameless one")

40 Chess like boxing, little Don Kings running around

41 Unfortunately Shirov had no signed contract in hand

42 Garry was so relieved to avoid his dangerous nature

43 Although he would never dare admit this to anyone

44 Beyond that, poor Shirov was professionally ruined

45 Kasparov's own plans went awry by losing in 2000

46 Yet He Who Cannot Be Named never faced Shirov

47 Leaving an unresolved question about who was best

1 The Dark One was more sinister in his malevolence

2 While stalling and stalling and stalling pre Brissago

3 He Who Cannot Be Named worried over his legacy

4 For the actual title was still held by the Fischer King

5 Since 1975 he remained the proper World Champion

6 To be The Man, you've got to beat The Man, so there

7 FIDE tried returning him to the fold versus Karpov

8 Only to receive this cryptic response denying a match:

9 "Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees

10 And begged you not to leave because I'd go berserk?

11 Well you left me anyhow and then the days got worse

12 Now you see I've gone completely out of my mind"

13 Ending the Line of Botvinnik for good (Sorry Karpov)

14 The Fischer King would squat on his title until 1992

15 Defending it against Boris, the rightful challenger

16 Bobby's spitting image was seen around the world

17 In 2001 he made surprising headlines praising 9/11

18 "Spectacular display - I enjoyed watching it on the day"

19 Thus The Dark One wanted him out of any contention

20 He who had become an odd recluse long beforehand

21 The Fischer King, they say he lives in his own heaven

22 Collects it to go from the 7-11, well he's out all night

23 To collect a fare, just so long it don't mess up his hair

24 Many months before the prearranged drawn match

25 Circe took the form of a Japanese airline official

26 Accosting the Fischer King while boarding a flight

27 Arresting him in full view of bystanders and media

28 Intending punishment administered by Great Satan

29 Obviously the execution was worse than the threat:

30 "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage

31 Someone will say, what is lost can never be saved"

32 The Dark One met the Fischer King while in custody

33 Striking a devious deal that he never compete again

34 Leaving the stage safer for retaining the tainted title

35 The arrangement covered classical chess, a new term

36 He could still play his peculiar variant against anyone

37 Except for the undeniable fact that Fischerandom sux

38 The Fischer King became enraged, throwing a tantrum

39 Then throwing an egg toward his unyielding oppressor

40 For a fleeting moment, the yolk was on him (bada bing)

41 The Fischer King cursed The Dark One: "In a world

42 Full of people, only some want to fly, isn't that crazy?"

43 But his pleas for clemency went in vain (Sorry Bobby)

44 Soaking up radiation in a Japanese jail cell in silence

45 Five more months after Brissago to avoid any appeals

46 Then the glad tidings of joy about Garry's retirement

47 With Kasparov safely inactivated, Circe set him free

1 The Dark One saw The Vision and became distraught

2 Everyone surfed Kasparov's fine site until it went under

3 Another sad consequence of losing the precious title

4 So he visited chessgames.com yet used his real name

5 Alerting the gods that he might undo their will again

6 But Ares was still minded to visit sufferings all around

7 He Who Cannot Be Named hated reading tpstar's post

8 Such a sensible outcome posed a dire immediate threat

9 Knowing the chess world would find him so unworthy

10 Freeloading days of entitlement meeting a bitter end

11 Iris and Circe also looked upon The Vision, therefore

12 These 2 aided The Dark One during the last 2 games

13 Their match was not very well received in Chessville

14 Jokes about how they couldn't find two more exciting

15 Risk takers to contest a World Championship match

16 A total yawnfest between accomplished technicians

17 Dispassionate and uninspired toward the game we love

18 The Dark One played a usual brand of steady, obstinate,

19 Uneventful chess aimed at hoarding small advantages

20 Still there were flashes of sheer brilliance on each side

21 Game 1 was an instant classic, The Dark One ruling

22 Then Peter L's fantastic OTB finding of 25 ... Qd3!!

23 Other games were decent in play, unfighting in spirit

24 Game 9 a weak 16 moves, Game 11 a weak 17 moves

25 Overall ten split points out of fourteen games total

26 George from the Bahamas trying to draw out the title

27 Game 13 was the crucial match-up of barren Brissago

28 The Dark One all set to blunder with 27 ... Rxd5??

29 When Circe sent him a psychic message to reconsider

30 As 28. Nh6+ would allow Peter L to win their match

31 He Who Cannot Be Named moved differently and drew

32 So strange how they both played down to bare Kings

33 Almost as if this specific outcome was - prearranged

34 Perhaps the Klitschko Brothers made it their business

35 This led to a tense thrilling final Game 14 showdown

36 That's one sure way to generate interest in their match

37 Iris intervened with Peter L and ordered him to lose

38 Making him late to the board, then he spent more time

39 Preparing his scoresheet and straightening his pieces

40 His hands obviously shaking when he replied 1 ... c6

41 So The Vision was off since he didn't use the Sicilian

42 Black played strangely, poorly, passively, sheepishly

43 Trying too hard to draw, bringing his Queen out early

44 When two tribes go to war, a point is all you can score

45 The Dark One was better and beat Peter L decisively

46 Drawing the tainted match, retaining the tainted title

47 Circe led the cheering: "Long live Vladimir Kramnik

1 The gods were debating how Brissago ended all wrong

2 Worse, The Dark One had fatally sabotaged unification

3 With this insanely crazy four player playoff suggestion

4 Zeus who controls the lightning was raging with anger

5 Eyeing Ares god of War bitterly, addressing him darkly:

6 "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!

7 I'm terribly tempted to rip your head from your neck

8 And shake it, shake it, shake it like a Polaroid picture

9 You always succeed in turning absolutely nothing into

10 Hostile battle requiring enormous masses of silly babble

11 Look at this ridiculous quadrangle idea he's demanding

12 The Dark One wants to create confusion in the process

13 Postponing any reunification process for many years

14 He is holding the title hostage, merely a delay tactic

15 Allowing him to keep his tainted title without a match

16 He will not honor what he signed, which smacks of

17 Extreme selfishness, denying us proper reunification

18 Why can't he just give back to chess and the future?"

19 Ares answered, the only god backing The Dark One:

20 "Why must you persecute poor Vlady but not Harry?

21 Even if Weinstein was FIDE Champion, he'd evade

22 Poor Vlady, so there would be no unification match

23 He's doing the same things that he blamed Karpov

24 When Tolya ruled FIDE before The Great Schism"

25 "Hateful Ares, now your talk is wind and no meaning

26 Everyone knows Kasparov won't bother to participate

27 In any FIDE knockout tournament, since their winner

28 Would need to beat Kasparov or else be Kasparov"

29 Athena thought best to bring both parties to peace:

30 "We don't have to fall apart, we don't have to fight

31 We don't need to go to Hell and back every night

32 For The Vision outlined a second crucial component

33 They shall hold that ten player round robin in 2005

34 A new order to the chess world with a new Champion"

35 Zeus saw the light: "Eureka! That's the winning ticket

36 We just need FIDE to comprehend those instructions

37 Right here, right now, there is no place I'd rather be

38 The right people doing right and making things right

39 I shall send a sweet Dream to FIDE and get it done"

40 Athena consoled Ares: "We will work it out alright

41 Every new beginning from some other beginning's end"

42 Again the Joker was wild, ready to make things light

43 Selfless Hephaestus, so distressed guests obsessed less:

44 "Hey guys! Alcohol in Beer damages your brain, man

45 Drink for years and you'll became physical defendence

46 Bad health means a life of dang ol' crippled casualties

47 So call for information to stop beening an alcoholic!"

1 FIDE saw The Vision in a Dream, and they were glad

2 They had long dealt with Kasparov and The Dark One

3 How to resolve this great big giant mess of a problem

4 Finding them spoiled brats only after their own interests

5 Little babies with ridiculous egos so definitely huge

6 Everyone had also grown weary of that SuperMariov

7 (Rumor said his difficult posturing was caused by Iris)

8 None of the principals doing anything about a set cycle

9 While the chess world wanted a reunification match

10 But The Dark One knew he'd get badly slaughtered

11 Even so, Kasparov signed the contract: No Rematch

12 With Dortmund 2002 their predetermined Qualifier

13 Hard to blame The Dark One for those two items

14 Until he described Kasparov being in "crisis" mode

15 Severely discouraging any potential financial backing

16 Next that "I don't know, maybe, maybe not" routine

17 The Dark One yet again going back on his sworn word

18 Putting his own interests way above any healing intent

19 Timing this missive after UAE was planned and funded

20 Thus sponsors dropped the other semifinal, so it died

21 Yet FIDE was now supposed to get Anand plus Kasim

22 Creating a quadrangle with Kasparov and SuperMariov

23 An even more unsolvable problem than ever before

24 The Dark One knew he could keep his title for years

25 None of his proposed tournaments would take place

26 Just one way to avoid a match for as long as possible

27 Changing all the things that have already been decided

28 If he didn't agree with the planned reunification process

29 He should have objected far earlier than after Brissago

30 The Dark One claimed to be in favor of a certain order,

31 Did nothing to pursue that order, then killed any order

32 As a passive bystander he became part of the problem

33 By now the entire chess world was furiously frustrated

34 An unrelenting stranglehold on the title over five years

35 Denying all else of a legitimate opportunity to compete

36 The Dark One had totally lost any contact with reality

37 So FIDE wasn't trying to discuss with that kind of nuts

38 Two wrongs don't make a right; one wrong can't be right

39 Steinitz said a sacrifice is best refuted by accepting it

40 Break out of captivity, and follow me, stereo jungle child

41 Realizing that all current claims to World Champion

42 Were at best questionable and at worst illegitimate

43 Being guided by The Vision, FIDE finally started over

44 Inviting the world's best for a double round robin event

45 They figured Kasparov in his arrogance would decline

46 They figured Kramnik in his cowardice would decline

47 The top eight would do battle in public before FIDE

1 Welcome to your life, there's no turning back, even

2 While we sleep, we will find you acting on your

3 Best behavior, turn your back on Mother Nature

4 One FIDE official was so excited about The Vision

5 That he wished to share it with The World all at once

6 Leaping onstage yet upstaging their closing ceremony

7 Causing a minor incident scuffling with local police

8 (This guy is just a few squares short of sixty-four)

9 Kasparov ended 2004 in fine fashion, back in stride

10 The new Russian Champion with a 2855 performance

11 Scoring a remarkable +5 in such a top level event

12 The Dark One withdrew, which screwed Khalifman

13 But the cancelled reunification semifinal hurt Garry

14 Disrupting his entire tournament schedule for 2005

15 Garry was discussing future plans with his mother

16 Seriously debating whether to even play in Linares:

17 "Mom, how hard is it for him to understand that his

18 Title doesn't hold any legitimate value anymore?"

19 "Son, there's no time for that with Linares nearing

20 You better lose yourself in the music, in the moment

21 You own it, you better never let it go, you only get one

22 Shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity

23 Comes once in a lifetime, yo, so let's get it started"

24 "He has a moral obligation to play me, but the new

25 Generation has little respect for moral obligations"

26 "Just like you had an obligation toward Shirov, son"

27 "Wow, you're right! But I'm the highest rated player"

28 "Just like you had an obligation toward Anand, son"

29 Wow, you're right! I am now so incredibly depressed

30 Maybe I should just go kill myself as due punishment

31 Heaven in the palm of my hand, waiting here for you

32 What am I supposed to do with a childhood tragedy?"

33 Garry's Mom again gave Kasparov good counsel:

34 "You must discover for yourself how to take these

35 Broken wings, learn to fly again, learn to live so free

36 We're all faced throughout our lives with decisions

37 Some on a grand scale, most are on lesser points

38 We define ourselves by the choices we have made

39 You devoted your whole life to the mysteries of chess

40 Behold your legion of fans, including the seer tpstar

41 Who still idolize you despite your shameless nature

42 When you're up against it, the breaks are beating you

43 Go out there with all you got: win one for the Grouper"

44 And that he did, tying for equal first among his rivals

45 Thus Kasparov ended his fine career with a big bang

46 In yet another brilliant stroke of divine intervention

47 They made Kasparov misplay his final game and lose

1 The Will of Zeus bade Garry's Mom visit her dear son

2 Encouraging him to now retire from competitive chess

3 As there were plans to reestablish order another way:

4 "Windmill windmill for the land, turn forever in your hand

5 Take it all in your stride, it is sinking, falling down

6 Love forever, love is free, let's turn forever, you and me"

7 Kasparov knew the reference, extracting one of his own:

8 "Oh Mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones, so there"

9 "Garry, the gods are grateful for your great successes

10 They thank you for your time, kindness, knowledge,

11 Notes on your games, your graciousness. You have

12 Given a gift that few can repay but many appreciate

13 Now you should retire from chess to begin life anew

14 We had joy, we had fun, we had Seasons in the Sun

15 Take it hip to hip, rock it through the wilderness

16 Around The World, the trip begins with a kiss"

17 "Mommie Dearest, what you say is within my heart

18 I need time to move on, I need love to feel strong

19 I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert

20 But I can live and breathe, see the Sun in wintertime"

21 Garry's Mom was relieved that he was so agreeable:

22 "Some may pretend you decided to leave the game

23 Everyone else will understand you were driven out"

24 "Mom, what is your assessment of The Dark One?"

25 "When he became Champion, everybody was happy

26 Thinking it would be easier to unify the chess world

27 But he decided against undertaking any steps to help

28 Chess which don't benefit him personally. Seasons and

29 People change, so he sacrificed tomorrow for today"

30 "What about his overall status as World Champion?"

31 "He will be remembered not as the man who was WC

32 All these years, but as the man who said he was WC"

33 "I proclaim sincere regret for all harmed by my deeds

34 I have now undergone profound character development

35 So I shall fully utilize my honest constitution: politics!

36 Hey Mom, why do the Olympian goddessess hate you?"

37 "Child of change, I understand chess is mental torture

38 At times I flavored your nourishment with nectar"

39 "Nothing I ever shared with Gata Kamsky, right?!"

40 "Of course not. So remember this, Garry Kimovich

41 However far away, I will always love you

42 However long I stay, I will always love you

43 Whatever words I say, I will always love you"

44 Garry answered: "Thank you so much. From here,

45 I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

46 I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky. Bye Mom"

47 Kasparov triumphantly left the chess scene for good

1 Returning back behind the nether reaches of Uranus

2 Circe was presently having his palm read by Iris, while

3 Hesam7, AgentRgent, Square Dance and Iron Maiden

4 Were all wanting to hear how Iris met The Dark One:

5 "I was walking down the street, just a-having a think

6 When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink

7 He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise

8 He had a pick-up truck, and the Devil's eyes

9 He stared at me, and I felt a change, time meant

10 Nothing, never would again, so two became one"

11 Suddenly a ring from the pitch black private line

12 Circe raced toward his phone, I mean, her phone:

13 "Peace up, a town down, yeah, yeah, OK, yeah"

14 "Howdy, comrade! Here, Iris is begging to talk now"

15 "Well a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite

16 You've got some bait awaitin', I might try nibbling

17 So how is your latest and greatest endeavor going?"

18 "Tournaments getting far harder - I'm being copied

19 These days, and so is my defensive playing style"

20 "But you're scoring well in your games, right?"

21 "When I have White, I draw because I am White

22 When I have Black, I draw because I am Drawnik!"

23 "I heard Vlad the Impaler became Vlad the Inhaler

24 How are your mysterious serious health problems?"

25 "Once Garry retired, they mysteriously disappeared!"

26 "OK, run along and play well like a good little boy

27 You might check out that chess site again for news

28 But make sure you log yourself off this time, OK?"

29 "Iris, you said 'log' - huh huh, uh huh huh" - *click*

30 Circe and Iris got online to secretly access chessgames

31 Cursing the site, making all weak minded post "First!"

32 Deploring the Loquacious Verbosity within our Cafe:

33 "After reading drivel from the Bahama Bandits Brigade

34 The Kibitzer's Cafe has become the National Enquirer

35 Ignoramus luddites, waste your own time with DRIVEL"

36 Checking The Dark One's embattled, beleaguered page

37 People wondering why there is so much negativity here

38 Should instead ask why there is so little positivity here

39 Iris saw the Super Grouper in The Dark One's pond:

40 "Loud-mouthed rude little fish, punk with a bad attitude"

41 But there were other far more important fish to fry

42 When they read up on Kasparov's political ambitions

43 Fearing this ploy would broaden Garry's legacy, Circe

44 Shouted: "I'll think of some way to get back at him

45 After all, tomorrow is another day!" And she went off

46 Circe took the form of a disgruntled Russian activist

47 Bashing him over the head with a wooden chessboard

1 While the chess world readied for their new Champion

2 Freedom fighters battled against hate on that chess site

3 Caring about the group, carefully curing Circe's Curse

4 Poor tpstar endured horrible mistreatment everywhere

5 They mocked him, and harassed him, and crucified him

6 Even while delivering awful abuse, they enjoyed it not

7 For all knew The Dark One was but a hollow figure

8 Apollo of the silver bow took pity on his favorite son

9 Sending a loyal ally forward to join this noble crusade

10 The aptly named tpstardefender burst onto the scene

11 Maintaining the status quo while tpstar saved lives

12 Tell us, goddess, other warriors in this valiant effort?

13 Sir Percyblakeney, sage wisdom rendered unheeded

14 Captain Csmath, insightful insider with robot friends

15 Mighty Ezzy, legendary wizard of Fischerandom blitz

16 Godlike Samikd, defiant cowboy from the Wild West

17 Master Dionyseus, martial arts expert, skilled debater

18 Brilliant Notyetagm, destined to be a GM but not yet

19 Queens Gambit, warrior who long ago found the truth

20 Clever Medusa, wearing several guises and disguises

21 A ragtag group of rebels defending truth and justice

22 My friends, this is the test, no struggle no progress

23 Let's lend a hand to help your brother do his best

24 Things are getting worse, we have to make them better

25 Facing skilled pugilists, these heroes toughened up

26 Monumental fortitude needed to defend our positions

27 Repeating this phrase among ourselves for inspiration:

28 "Feel the breeze deep on the inside, look you down into

29 Your well, if you can you'll see The World in all his fire"

30 Banding together facing the darkest moment of our time

31 The worst war since The World was nuked in June 2004

32 Iris bid three henchmen savagely attack Queen Zsuzsa

33 Gang tackled for voicing genuine opinions on her page

34 One "frail little princess who breaks if you touch her"

35 Do you wonder why name players avoid our group?

36 With blatantly false pretenses of polite disagreement

37 Ridiculing us, denouncing such "sycophantic reverence"

38 Belittling honest rebuttals as "a stupid waste of space"

39 "Someone make these professional whiners shut up"

40 "Gross distortions of truth, with wretched inferences"

41 Throwers of words, constant tedious vitriol, silly rants

42 It took the combined efforts of many cooler heads

43 To restore peace and quiet throughout the gentle site

44 As life is a kind of chess, with struggle, competition

45 Good and ill events, still this proved highly intense

46 Passionate battling continued during all of San Luis

47 We predicted calm once a new Champion emerged

1 Ladies & Gentlemen, we are the thing of shapes to come

2 Freedom's not free and dumb, this Depression is Great

3 The creme de la creme of the chess world in a show

4 With everything but Yul Brynner was coming to pass

5 Society's interest in predictability demanded order

6 When a mistake is made, a lesson can be learned

7 FIDE was on the ball, preparing official contracts

8 Signing the top eight to prevent another Kasparov

9 Forcing two year cycles to prevent another Kramnik

10 Denying outside matches to prevent another Circe

11 For they had zero trust in The Dark One anymore

12 FIDE now has the power - time will show them right

13 The Battle of San Luis was on and went wonderfully

14 Queen Judit was the crowd favorite, a fierce attacker

15 If you are in sight and the day is right, she's a hunter

16 You're the fox, beware of what is flashing in her eyes

17 Everyone glad to see the new mother back in action

18 Artemis goddess of the Hunt helping her all the way

19 Divine goddessess fawned over Moro, the cute one

20 While mighty gods fawned over Moro, the cute one

21 The SissyMarys in Uranus were rooting for Peter S

22 Since they knew the meaning of a right-sided earring

23 Oh Mickey, he's not fine, struck by deep depression

24 Embittered after going down in flames against Hydra

25 Hera urged on her long-time favorite Anand to win:

26 "Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you

27 Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace

28 World keeps on spinning, can't stop it if you try to

29 The best part is danger staring you in the face"

30 Athena and Apollo knew Topalov was the sure money:

31 "See dimensions in two, state your case, Black or White

32 But when one little cross leads to shots, grit your teeth

33 You run for cover so discreet" - and he gladly listened

34 His play was the most fearless, the most successful

35 Kasim had chosen to compete without divine help

36 Oddly enough, Circe had zero control over events

37 Besides delivering a custom made chair to Peter L

38 Horrible Ares wouldn't help anyone win in San Luis:

39 "During war, I do what I want - I'm me, they're them

40 They make up their way, I make up my way, I am not

41 Telling people what to do, I am telling suggestions"

42 So nothing would diminish the Spirit of San Luis

43 Yet Circe circled about trying to stir terrible trouble

44 Demeaning Topalov-Anand as "a tragedy for chess"

45 While bleating: "A fifteen move draw instead of this

46 Would have been better for just about everybody"

47 Zeus sent a secret message toward Circe: "Sashay,

1 But our great game called chess is above all a fight

2 Fighting on the site, over the board, among the gods

3 Poseidon kept pounding Ares over The Dark One:

4 (Surely you understand, pounding, as in, oh forget it)

5 "Tell me again what a World Champion should do?"

6 "Well, it is nice if they choose to promote the game"

7 "Stop this insanity! He had five whole years, right?!"

8 Ares blared: "You don't honor the Line of Steinitz!"

9 Poseidon said: "Fool, that is an imaginary menagerie

10 Steinitz lineage ends at Alekhine, Botvinnik lineage

11 Ends at Fischer, Karpov lineage ends at Deep Blue

12 And Steinitz was only about 1800 strength back then"

13 Ares held his ground for He Who Cannot Be Named:

14 "Until someone beats Vlady, the FIDE crown will

15 Always be considered the tin-coronet of a vice-roy"

16 The Dark One away in Uranus, painting and stalling

17 Happily reflecting on his 2005 tournament successes

18 Corus equal 4-7, Sofia equal 5-6, Dortmund equal 6-7

19 The gods teased Ares for his Champion's invisibility:

20 "Happy to jeopardize his throne for fairness' sake?"

21 To which Ares had no reply, so he sat and stewed

22 Then a stupid senseless assigned seating controversy

23 Artemis told off Peter L straight: "I hope you know

24 This will go down on your permanent record, uh huh?"

25 And he flailed in the bottom half as due punishment

26 Queen Judit was fated to finish last among the eight

27 Breaking the devious curse of losing to The Dark One

28 Holy Cow! Anand performed well to finish second

29 But Topalov won, taking clear first, undefeated at +6

30 FIDE's new World Champion to lead the chess world

31 Athena told Topalov she couldn't help him anymore:

32 "If I should stay, I would only be in your way, so I'll go

33 But I know, I'll think of you every step of the way"

34 In a flash of light, Athena was off to civilized Europe

35 So Topalov knew he had finally achieved greatness:

36 "It's a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done

37 It's a far, far better rest I go to than I have ever known"

38 All of Bulgaria was heard singing in the streets:

39 "Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Topalova/Que tu cuerpo

40 Es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena/Dale a tu cuerpo

41 Alegria Topalova/Ehhhh, Topalova/AIEEE!"

42 There was even greater celebration on our chess site

43 Everyone was a Bulgarian that day: "Ima li Bulgari

44 Taki? Aide Vesko machka! DAVAI VESKO!"

45 The chess world recovering from our dismal disease

46 The outside world gaining respect for our Champion

47 Athena and Apollo would shout: "Go proclaim liberty

1 While Olympians happily watched San Luis finish

2 Zeus and Hera were sharing their thoughts privately:

3 "Well, Hera my love, our disorder is finally resolved

4 I must admit my deep disappointment in The Dark One

5 He once had a tactical and attacking ability and style

6 Comparable to Alekhine, somewhere below Kosteniuk

7 But that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away

8 For ten years minus five The Dark One was on top

9 I would have liked to see more positive achievements

10 A giant missed opportunity to lead into better things

11 Not just sense and sensibility - a new order, a set cycle

12 From now on, 'cycle' means fair competition for all

13 This silly Imperial Model will be discarded shortly"

14 Hera asked: "Then why didn't we fix things earlier?"

15 "Some things are beyond the wisest fish in the sea

16 The mediator between head & hands must be the heart

17 Men must find their own way, make their own mistakes

18 There can't be any gift of perfection outside themselves

19 Gods set planets in motion - humans choose their fate

20 Chess, love and music have power to make men happy

21 However the mistakes are all there, waiting to be made

22 The chess world will heal, the chess site will calm down"

23 Hera chimed back in: "Zeus, over on their noble site

24 So many sincere contributions are discounted as drivel"

25 "Oh yes, that's an excellent point to remember forever

26 Still The Vision did ring forth from their chess site

27 Our plans went perfectly, a clever deus ex machina

28 The only way to generate any sympathy for Kasparov

29 Who will always be considered best during this period

30 As nobody would ever maintain The Dark One was greater

31 They'd be stupid moron idiot nuts troll to believe that

32 I mean, he just lost to Shirov in 1998, Adams in 1999"

33 Hera was still confused by the outcome: "Lord Zeus,

34 The Vision specified that my Anand would triumph"

35 "Yes, it was the original intent to honor him foremost

36 Who has greatly suffered during this five year fiasco

37 Until warrior Chaital hatefully played the Race Card

38 Charging innocents of bias and prejudice against him

39 I hate such false accusations, I hate them, I hate them

40 So I decreed that he lost early to some random Uzbek

41 Giving hard-fought victory to Topalov alone, so there

42 Now no Curse of Circe will ever outdo the Will of Zeus

43 The Dark One must carry the sorry Curse of Cassandra

44 He'll claim he was undisputed Champion for five years

45 Yet nobody on earth will believe him, no way in Hell"

46 Way off in the distance, within his childhood homeland

47 Garry Kimovich Kasparov smiled toward the heavens: