Dear Mr Domdaniel,Ms Jessicafischerqueen and Mr Eyal,

I am considering launching a new venture so as to shamelessly profit from the runaway success of <Frogspawn>. I can assure The Editors that my intention is not in any way to impinge on the 'grande territory' that <Frogspawn Inc.> bestrides,but quite understand if you should fail to find my assurances assuring.In light of this fact, I have instructed my solicitors <Messrs. Snitch,Snatch and Perch> to furnish you,post haste,with all relevant planning documents,to peruse in your convenience.

But we'll visit you. In your forum or your cell, whichever it turns out to be.

Briefly then,I want to launch an Agony Aunt column on my forum.My dear Aunt Roberta has promised to pop in regularly to address the problems and queries of <cg.com> members.Aunty Bobbi-- as she was known when she was a regular contributor to the 'Two Bob Psychology Watch' magazine-- has a blunt yet caring manner.She enjoys a quick game of skittles,particularly with a gin and tonic and is a terrible cheat at scrabble.Her favorite chessplayer is Lennox Lewis.

Reviewers were divided in their assessment of her long career in the the advice-column racket.

"A sensible woman in fetching sensible shoes dispensing comfort and commonsense to the bewildered and the downtrodden" -The Ovaltine Outlook 1963.

"...homespun hokey from hicksville" - USA YESTERDAY 1988.

Topics I hope Aunty Bob will touch on include:

<Avatar Anxiety> Do you have difficulty sticking to an avatar? Envious of someone elses? Afraid of photoshopping your own in case people think you are a jumped-up git?

<Handle Regrets> When you first visited this site were you unaware that the stupid 'nic' you typed in would be yours forever the moment you added 'well played' to the <danielPi/Plato> (I mean <Smyslov>) page.You are not alone.Aunty Bobbi shares her strategies for living with your handle.

<GM Obsession> How to chat up your favorite Grandmaster,tips to avoid the obvious traps.

<Playing out of your league> Bluffing it on the <Friday Puzzle> and the <Domdaniel> thread.

LOL!!

That post is richly deserving of a repeat of one of my favorite posts ever:

<Twinlark> posting to <Hitman>:

"You're plumb loco, mate."

pssssst (sotto voce) "the natives are getting even more restless than usual."

Do you think it's time to panic yet?

Mrs. R. Sole
Kent
Council Housing, thank you very much and the Conservative Party can sod off, etc. etc.

First Explorer: What a simply super little place!

Second Explorer: Yes, they've done wonders with it. You know this used to be one of the most swampy disease infested areas of the whole jungle, and they've turned it into this smashing little restaurant. Here you are Omkami, thank you. Hello, Mr Akwekwe.

Akwekwe: Hello, Mr Spare-Buttons-Supplied-With-The-Shirt. Nice to see you again.

Second Explorer: These are some of my fellow explorers: Sir Charles Farquarson, Briar Bailey, Betty Bailey and this is Mr Akwekwe, who started the whole place.

Third Explorer: It really is super.

Fourth Explorer: Terrific idea.

Akwekwe: May I recommend the alligator purees.

[...]

Akwekwe: Now then, have you decided?

Second Explorer: Ye-es ... Well there's two avocado vinaigrette here and what are you going to have Briar?

Fourth Explorer: Er quiche lorraine for me, please.

Akwekwe: Right, so that's two avocado, one quiche ...

<Cut to close up of pigmy's evil face parting leaves and firing a blow-pipe. Cut to another table where two explorers are having coffee and cigars. One of them stiffens and then slumps forward. Cut to Akwekwe at the main table registering what has happened. We pan with him as he rushes over to the bushes. Sound of pigmies retreating into the bushes. Akwekwe shouts after him. We pan with Akwekwe as he walks over to the table where the customer has slumped forward. He pulls him up, looks at dart sticking out of his chest, tut tuts with annoyance and lets him slump back on to the table again. He returns to the main table.>

Akwekwe: So, that's two avocado, one quiche ...

Third Explorer: And a soup of the day.

Akwekwe: Right. <sinister sound of jungle drums in distance; close up of look of fear in Akwekwe's eyes> And to follow?

Second Explorer: Two chicken a la reine, with sauce provencale.

First Explorer: And one scampi desiree.

Third Explorer: And boeuf bourguignon with a green salad.

<Jungle drums getting louder. Akwekwe shouts off towards the back of the clearing where we assume the kitchens mast be.>

Akwekwe: Right on. Two chicken! One scampi! One boeuf with green salad!

<He casts yet another fiarful glance in the direction of the ever-increasing drum beats.>

Akwekwe: There may be ... a little delay.

Second Explorer: That's fine but we have to be out by three.

Akwekwe: Yes, sir. Yes, we'll try.

<The drum beats get louder. Shot of forest, rustling of bushes. Close up of Akwekwe's eyes. Another shot of forest. Drum beats louder. More rustling. Close up of Akwekwe's eyes and sweating forehead. Forest again and more noise. Close up of Akwekwe; he now has blood on his face, his eyes dilate with fear, the drum beats became deafening. Sudden cut to BBC world symbol.>

The BBC would like to announce that the next scene is not considered suitable for family viewing. It contains scenes of violence, involving people's heads and arms getting chopped off, their ears nailed to trees, and their toenails pulled out in slow motion. There are also scenes of naked women with floppy breasts, and also at one point you can see a pair of buttocks and there's another bit where I'll swear you can see everything, but my friend says it's just the way he's holding the spear. Because of the unsuitability of the scene, the BBC will be replacing it with a scene from a repeat of 'Gardening Club' for I958.

<the stylish Opening Batsman>I used to come in at one down. I was a left handed batsman and a right arm leg spinner.(some times used to bowl left arm off spin as well) for a local club. I quit playing and watching cricket because of all the match fixing scandals.

<subtle and deadly chess mind>You're being too kind mate, there are many deadly chessier minds than mine on the site.

regards,
William Crookes
just back from death.

<there are many deadly chessier minds than mine on the site.>I think you could take them mate.

<Eyal> That truly gets me where it hurts and will be forwarded with unseemly speed! (it's not your own is it?)

<Do you think it's time to panic yet?> YES.Everyone panic NOW!! (pan to panic)

Signed.

Yes, good old Dover Sole. Many's the night we spent larking and moonlighting on Dover Beach, listening to the far-off roars and dunking one another in the sea of faith. If the tide was out, he'd stare out to see and mutter "Wogs begin at Calais..."

Happy days. All gone now, since the Russian invasion of Much-Widdling-in-the-Fen.

So Dawn and I had a little chat, and then we put her in a nice home in the Carpathians. With hot and cold running agony, since you can't really wean an addict off the pain fix at that age. Especially if they've been dealing with chessplayers, who have some very refined lines in self-torture.

I trust your Aunt Bobbie is made of sterner stuff.

Ovaltine will be available tomorrow at sixpence a cup. Bring your own cups and sixpences.

And no time-scrambles, please. Remember that Mrs Scruggs has to put everything back afterwards.

I thought that Two-Birds said this to me, rather than Hitman. Maybe he said it to both of us. It's clearly an Aussie Doggorific Honorific of some kind.

Anyway, I'm not too high and mighty to insist on, ah, <sole provenance>. It's an honour to share plumblocosity with the Hitman.

No mate <Domdaniel>, the Hitman is way far behind your plumblocositedness. He needs a high speed plumblocomotive to catch up with you.

One night in Eastern Africa, he was no longer sure where, exactly, Fleetwood met Yitzhak Zilberfeld, a Zionist agent, out traveling in the world scouting possibilities for a Jewish homeland. They promptly got into discussion about the homeless condition vis-a-vis the ownership of property. Fever, abuse of local drugs, tribal blood-warfare ubiquitous and never-ending, the thousand threats to white intrusion here, many of them invisible, turned the colloquy increasingly deranged.

"What is the modern state," Yitzhak declared, "but a suburban house-lot taken up to a larger scale? Anti-Semitism flows directly from the suburban fear of those who are always on the move, who set up camp for a night, or pay rent, unlike the Good Citizen who believes he 'owns' his home, although it is more likely to be owned by a bank...."

They set up camp in a clearing ...
"What was that?"
"An elephant," Fleetwood said. "How long did you say you'd been out here?" "It sounds kind of close, don't you think?"

"So, when this one charges us, what do we do?"
"Depends how much he's charging -- try to talk him down a little?" "Anti-Semitic!"
The elephant in the darkness let loose with another fanfare ...

Fleetwood exhaled audibly. "I don't mean to offend, but ... if this sort of elephant-related anxiety is at all common among your people, perhaps Africa is not the most promising site for a Zionist settlement."

Through their feet they could feel percussion on the jungle floor, consistent with an adult elephant approaching at high speed. "Well, it's been nice chatting," said Yitzhak, "and now I think I'll just--" "Suggest you stand your ground, actually."
"And what?"
"Look him straight in the eyes."
"Stare down some murderous elephant."
"Ancient wisdom of the bush," Fleetwood advised, "never run. Run, you'll get trampled."

Our Hero: Any news of Betty Bailey's expedition, Hargreaves?

Hargreaves: Er ... um ... er...

Our Hero: <through clenched teeth> Page 9...

Hargreaves: <thumbing over page of script beneath counter> "The Lost World of Roiurama."

Our Hero: That's my line!

Hargreaves: Oh, sorry. Where were they going, sir?

Our Hero: The Lost World of Roiurama.

Hargreaves: Yes sir, we've got a telegram.

Our Hero: Oh

Hargreaves: <reads it> Reads it. Expedition superb. Weather excellent. Everything wonderful.

Our Hero: I wonder what's gone wrong.

Hargreaves: For God's sake be careful...

Our Hero: <irritably> Wait a minute! I'm going to go... after them.

"Y'see, the natives had it in their noggins that if a chap's soul was pure, then the snakebite wouldn't harm him... Poor old Hargreaves died immediately. Horrible agony."

- Sir Henry Rawlinson

Thank you so much for your kind and generous words.As I suspected,despite your adolescent yet admirable drive towards total global domination,at heart ,you are a caring and sharing person,bobbing about on the sea of uncertainty just like the rest of us.

I was so sorry to hear of <Frogspawns> difficulties with their last Care and Comfort Consultant.Was she getting enough iron?

Regards,

But please, please, consider my case. I need someone to talk with, go bowling with, perhaps develop an alternative means of understanding the ongoing cage match (which is producing some interesting games!). Anything--please! Yes, <Dom>=<global <Dom>ination.> Frightening, no? We've all known that for years.

Be well, mate. I believe the future for Aunty Bob will depend on her capacity to elude large groups of migrant insects. If you want to confer with me, I'll be in the Yahoo.chess site, consuming large quantities of raw pork, which I understand is good for the one's complexion.

Yours is clearly a desperate case,or you could be only having a rough day.I'm a wanderer myself,but when I get lost I just catch a taxi home.

Best to stay clear of the 'cage match'.Entertainment of this sort is far too rich in my view.I mean big tough guys and they shave their legs ? I don't think so.

I am afraid that raw pork falls outside the terms of my employment contract. http://www.mtbruce.org.nz/moreporki...

Regards,