AllergicToTurtles: <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>"Ladies and gentlemen", the odd-faced man said, "the Long Wait is nearly over. The Suspenseful Announcement is drawing nigh. The moment is, and I'm quoting the boss himself, very soon. So, welcome one and all to..." (the man paused for a moment; he hoped it would pass for dramatic effect, but in actual fact he'd just forgotten what this place called itself) "...the Chessgames Member Anxious Wait Forum."
(It was later said that the man got a thunderous applause, but you shouldn't believe everything you hear.)
"I am your host for tonight", he continued. "My name is Doctor Technical Draw..." - everybody knew this, his act was infamous throughout the site, but he said it for the pause at the end. Pauses were good. They gave the newspaper guy who owed him $20 another opportunity to write in thunderous applause - "and I've just come straight from the Annual Caissar Awards Forum, where I've been voted Funniest Kibitzer for the fourth consecutive year." It had helped that all other potential voters had been busy with anxiously waiting here, but that wasn't worth mentioning. While he wondered just how to continue, suspenseful music appropriately started to play somewhere offstage. Doctor Draw smiled.
(That got a real thunderous applause. It wasn't often you got a genuine smile from Doctor Draw.)
"Our pari-mutual friend the Bookie will be accepting bets on the Announcement for another five minutes and..." - he waited for some four and a half seconds - "...not a second more. What will the Announcement turn out to be? Will Carlsen be a live commentator here, at our beloved site, in the match upcoming? Or has <WannaBe> maybe won another life-time achievement award? My personal theory is that Topalov has withdrawn from the match and I will substitute... Wouldn't you all love to see my smiling face on a dancing rook?" This got a laugh track. "I'm told, however, that the Free Live Video Of Both Players' Toilets hypothesis has a current approximate live strength measurement metric of 1886.422, give or take fourteen per cent, and must be considered the favorite. Betting will be open for another three minutes."
A longer pause, but the silence was disrupted by the clicky-click of buttons pressed, the muffled swearing at touchpads not responding and, loudest of all, the triumphant clap of the Bookie and the Loanshark high-fiving each other...
"...and the boss is now with us. Big hand, please, to Daniel Freeman!"
"Thank you, Doctor Draw, and thank you everyone else. You, the members of this site, the common kibitzers and the uncommon kibitzers, the beginners and the grandmasters, you form the soul and backbone of ChessGames.com. Without you this moment would not be upon us. Today, and today's Announcement, is dedicated to you.
The Announcement is... ah, this simply will not do. Betting's still open."
"Well spotted, well spotted; we'd never hear the end of it from the Bookie if we rushed ahead of the schedule here. But only seconds remain and there isn't any reason to draw this out overly long, now is there?"
Doctor Draw passed the microphone back, to the almost cheerful sound of suspenseful music.
"Yes, you're right. No reason whatsoever to draw things out. It is with great pleasure..." - his voice had already been strong and loud, now it was, well, stronger and louder - "...with great pleasure that I can announce Veselin Topalov has withdrawn and our very own Doctor Draw here will substitute him." A shocked silence. "As the chess world's general scapegoat. No, no, only joking. Only joking."
Hundreds of sighs of relief.
"It is with great pleasure" - an inward smile - "that I, on behalf of ChessGames.com and its administrators, can announce that..."
"Yes?"
Suspenseful music.
"Yes?"
"Betting will be open for another ten minutes."
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Kibitzing
