<Pikkachu Dragon>

Isn't <Sot McTominay> English as well? Or is he a SCOTT OF THE ANTARCTIC? If so, I have a cunning plan to get him on our team, inspired by Canadian humorist Stephen Leacock.

Here is his idea, an idea that could work for the future glory of "This Emerald Isle":

<"If the Scots stopped drinking so much Scotch whiskey they could save up enough money to leave Scotland.">

The best thing about the "Quote of the Day" is that upwards of 110% of them were never actually said by anyone.

Of the remaining 120%, none were actually said by the attributed person.

Finally, the slim remaining cohort of 150% are incomprehensible.

Here is a scienterrific evidence:

Intriguing. I googled <World historical Hammers centre backs> and this is what they gave me:

<World Historical Goal>

From the Burnely "Arse Cam"

<Kenny Dalgleish> and <Steve Archibald> stuck in the elevator at TESCO

<WORLD HYSTERICAL DARBY>

Olly Golly Scheviningen whups Peppy Gladiola!

I have two new epigrams for cg.com:

#1 - "Never get into an elevator full of drunken Scotsmen."

- Mikhail Moiseyevich Botvinnik, last Tuesday.

------------

#2 - "Never take your mother shopping for Christmas booze."

- Me, today.

Her: I want some Martini.
Me: Is it a wine, a fortified wine or a spirit?
Her: I don’t know.
Me, after combing through hundreds of shelves: … Ah, they’ve got Strawberry, Extra Dry, Rosso or Blanco. Which do you want? Her: Sweet. Sweet Martini.
Me: [Screams inwardly]

Her: Now I want some Rosé for the gardner and his wife. Me: What type?
Her: Same as I got him last year.
Me: What type was that?
Her: I don’t know.
Me: [Screams inwardly]

--------------

Blimey, you’re quick off the mark this week …

<Tooting Spam> What a performance! I very much like that <arse cam view> and want to watch all my football that way from now on. You could almost feel the anguish that those stewards were enduring by having to face the wrong direction while <Sonny Jim> scored the best goal of his career. And what a goal! His normal 100% effort becomes 150% when he senses his teammates are trying too.

And how the blazes did <Manchurians United> manage to duff up City on their own turf. Did City go Christmas booze shopping half way through the match? We actually looked like we did against Spurs midweek … like football was an easy game. That sort of thing doesn’t happen to us two games in a row.

Her: I want some Martini.
Me: Is it a wine, a fortified wine or a spirit?
Her: I don’t know.
Me, after combing through hundreds of shelves: … Ah, they’ve got Strawberry, Extra Dry, Rosso or Blanco. Which do you want? Her: Sweet. Sweet Martini. Me: [Screams inwardly] >

During Christmas time, there are precisely THREE kinds of <Martini & Rossi> brand Vermouth:

1. Sweet Vermouth, for making the famous "Manhattan" cocktail, named after a Woody Allen movie.

2. Dry Vermouth (for making the classic "Martini" cocktail).

Many thanks for sharing your encyclopedic knowledge. I am a complete ignoramus when dealing with fortified wines, spirits, liquors and cocktails.

Having said that, I did once spend an entire Spanish holiday drinking nothing but "Harlem Stingers", the name being an oblique reference to a Monty Python sketch.

Many thanks for sharing your encyclopedic knowledge. I am a complete ignoramus when dealing with fortified wines>

I don't know if Vermouth is "fortified wine" or just "wine".

If anything, Sweet Vermouth is fortified with extra (read: too much) sugar, IMO.

Anyway, congratulations on the success of your <Harlem Stinger>! Reminds me a little bit of the famous <Flaming Moe>.

<... the famous "Manhattan" cocktail, named after a Woody Allen movie. >

<The Slightly Mistaken Anteater>

Not so!

<My Good Count>

That's an excellent question. As you might expect, no.

The <Manhattan Project> got its name from a bizarre fedora that Edward Teller was fond of sporting. It looked somewhat like a dead Wolverine at a tea party.

Understandably, colleagues invariably asked Edward "WHAT IS THAT THING ON YOUR HEAD."

The <Manhattan Project> got its name from a bizarre fedora that Edward Teller was fond of sporting. It looked somewhat like a dead Wolverine at a tea party.>

Not to be confused with the <Man Hat> project!

Not so! >

Sadly, we didn't even consider setting the <Harlem Stinger> on fire. A bit of an oversight for someone with a pet dragon.

By the way, in case anyone is foolish enough to try one, and has a well stocked cocktail cabinet, I'm pretty sure it comprised <pernod, advocaat, creme de menthe, lime and lemonade>. If you skip the lime, you are drinking a <Dull Day> which, as the name suggests, struck us as far less exciting and wasn't quite as green.

<Paint my Football>

Well I just found some time to watch footy again and caught up on some exciting matches.

<The Special Bun> fielded a 2nd string side against <Bayern Brand Aspirin>, which was handled. Easily handled, in fact.

Watching the whole match was like pouring a bottle of tobasco sauce in my bum. I can't second guess <The Special Bun> though. It's early days and the one thing you can't take away from him is that he <always> has a plan. Whether that plan can be understood by beings who aren't gods in an H.P. Lovecraft story? That's another matter.

On more happy news, just seconds ago I watched <Mason Greenhorn> pot his second surgical strike to put <Manchester Excited> up 4-0 against enigmatic Dutch club <F.C. Alzheimer>. I never heard of them before eh? Possibly I did, but then forgot.

A few minutes earlier the BT Sports color man had announced "Out of nowhere, United are up 3-0." Well this is the advantage of watching a whole match if you have the time. That was never "out of nowhere." In the first half Excited were feeling up the Dutch, gauging the response to various areas of penetration. This is good tactics and surely down to gaffer <Have a Holly Jolly Christmas>.

I tell you what if <Juan AutoMata> had been anything close to match fit he would have potted 1, or even 2 before half time. Normally he would have buried at least one of those chances. I've watched him score lots of goals before. If anything he's an above average finisher. He was just rusty.

He proved my theory (already published on the Reddit "So you think you know your twatting football" sub-forum) that all he needed was some decent game time to recover his finish. He scored his 5th of 6 penalties and even though the keeper guessed right he was never going to stop it. The goal was <AutoMata>.

The return of <NIGEL PEARSON>.

SHOCKING NEWS

The only gaffer in footy history to put his foot on the neck of a player from the other team- during the game- and then brag in the post match press interview that he was not afraid to fight him in a future encounter.

This is the most bizarre and ridiculous incident in footy history. Or maybe second to wading in to the stands and fighting the other side's supporters.

ON CANTONA! ON UNITED!

Predictably, I have never been happier to see the return of a gaffer.

World Historical Spurs yabbos:

JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS JINGLE ALL THE WAY

OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO SEE A TOTTENHAM WIN AWAY

<Spurs 2 Wolves 1>

The triumph of <The Special Bun> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=649...

<Jose Merinho>: "I'm not saying fantastic Jose, because I cannot say."

But I can.

"<FANTASTIC JOSE> the bun, the bun, he is the Special Bun!"

<Pass Me the Drugs>

Well I'm just at the 32 minute mark of <Manchester Excited v Everton> and I have to say that <Scott McThompson's Gazelle> is clearly man of the match so far.

Ever since he came back <Fred> has stopped selling the farm. <McThompson's Gazelle> is bossing the midfield- again. Just a few moments ago Everton were about to take a corner and you could see <McThompson's Gazelle> organizing the lads. <David De Hey! You!> gave him a hearty slap on the back just before the cross came. <McThompson's Gazelle> headed it out. Second cross- and the graceful Serengeti herbivore headed it out again, this time upfield into <Excited> possession.

Hmm <De Haymaker> sells the farm by tricking his own player into an own goal. Luckily <Mason Greenhorn> scores an almost identical goal to the second one he scored against <FC Alzheimer>.

<Greenhorn> can finish with either foot and he seems to be able to place the ball, at pace, inside the bottom of either corner.

1-1 with 12 minutes to play.