Like I said, the only thing that's holding it all together is that neither the Queen nor Gordon Brown could ever bring themselves to refer to the 'Former United Kingdom', even by its acronym.

<A Confession> I did something very silly last night. I may be away for some time.

The way these things go for people like me is this: lose the first four or five games -- maybe playing reasonably well, but always getting ground down by technique. Then being paired against other losers, going gonzo in hope of a point, and blowing it: 0/6.

At this point you meet somebody in a similar position and agree a draw 'to get started'. Before the end, you somehow pick up another point, finishing with 1.5/9.

Don't laugh. I once scored 1.5/10 (one win, one draw, 8 losses) as top board in a club tournament, outrated by an average of 300 ELO points per game. Later I discovered that my predicted score was only 1.4, so I actually gained rating points by making 1.5...

It'll have IMs, GMs, the lot -- unless I do so badly I spend the whole tournament in the Swiss Bipolar Basement with the other manic depressives.

They've come up with a new format for the Irish championships (after last year's farce, which had a total entry of twelve - and ten of those were people I'd played in the 1980s). This time it's a wide-open swiss with OK sponsorship/prizes, with GMs from the UK, USA, etc. The highest-scoring Irish player becomes Irish champ, while the tournament prize proper is open to all.

A bit like that 'French French French Champion of France thing', really, although I doubt whether the Irish Gambit (1.e4 e5 2.Nf3 Nc6 3.Nxe5?!?) will have much impact.

What are the regulations for FIDE ratings these days? The tournament is FIDE rated -- does that mean every participant automatically gets a FIDE rating, regardless of opponents and results?

I know, in the past, you had to play against a minimum number of people who already had ratings. And there used to be a lower limit on FIDE ratings: 2200, then 2000, then maybe 1700 ... does it still exist, or will they now happily hand out a rating of, say, 999 ??

So no panic, no blame, just relax and think batrachian thoughts, and ask "what has Frogspawn taught me?"

... speaking of Bart Simpson, is it true that American troops in Iraq were bombarded with leaflets in English saying "Go home, Americans -- while you are dying here by the will of Allah, your wives and girlfriends are having sexual intercourse with Bart Simpson"....??

I got your wonderul EMU, thanks, and I think it is I who owes you a EMU now.

Likewise, <Bird's Bastard>, 1.e4 e5 2.Nf3 Nc6 3.Bb5 Nd4. Some people call 1.f4 Bird's Opening and keep the bastard terminology for the Spanish variation. Others do it in reverse.

Nope, I'm sticking with the Frog. But there are some strange Frogs out there, like Katalymov's line 1.e4 e6 2.d4 d5 3.Nd2/Nc3 dxe4 4.Nxe4 Qd5!?

Not to mention the Neo-French with 3...h6. Lots of untried variations in there.

Accordingly, we now introduce Wellington's Peninsular Rule ("Just because a frog is born in a stable doesn't make him a horse", as the Duke of Wellington, born Arthur Wellesley in Dublin, *almost* said.)

The Peninsular Rule: no openings from south of the Pyrenees. No Ruy Lopez, no Spanish, no Catalan, no Portuguese Variation, no Linares lines, no Lopez Gambit in the Bishop's Opening, no Bellon Gambits (the original Bellon anti-English line was 1.c4 e5 2.Nc3 Nf6 3.Nf3 e4 4.Ng5 b5!? ... more recently Bellon has switched sides and tried stuff like 1.c4 f5 2.e4!? -- Juan enjoys his openings).

I'm sure other Iberian examples can f

See, I do know a small amount about Open Games. I've just never, in a serious game, played 1.e4 as white, or 1.e4 e5 as black. And this, according to my haruspex, is not an auspicious moment to change the habits of a lifetime. The entrails were very bloody clear on this.

"Guineas with the Queen" would also work well here, given the stereotypical associations between (a) the Queen and horse-racing, eg the 25,000 guineas at 'Nam, (b) the Queen and Imperialism - "One had thought that they were still one's -- are they in Africa or the Americas?", and (c) Scotsmen and money -- Broon may well be descended from the actual inventor of the guinea.

I think I'll just make stuff up, like the 'April Fool Opening' I invented (as white) on April 1st. It went: 1.Nf3 Nc6 [hoping for d4 and a Chigorin]
2.a3 e5
3.d4 e4
4.d5 exf3
5.dxc6 ...

Maybe it was my inner censor -- The Man Inside.

Or possibly it was just "other Iberian examples can be found" -- but I fell asleep before finishing it. And then, naturally, the Man Inside hit the <Kibitz!> button.

<I'm sure other Iberian examples can f >