The Great Frustation is this statement I found after plowing through dozens of hits:

<The American War for Independence was lost partly due to an inefficient navy under his [First Lord of the Admiralty John Montagu's] watch, but it is also true that Canada, India, and the West Indies would not have remained in the English sphere without Montagu's work in rebuilding the English fleet.>

When? Why? How?

I didn't Google to get that. Google is not the only game in town, you know.

One weak answer: The Earl of Sandwich supported Captain James Cook's search for a northwest passage. Cook found and charted Vancouver.

"Thanks for your help, John. For that, I will name some islands after you."

<You've heard of the Montagues and the Capulets, haven't you, Jess?>

There's no known American equivalent (outside the Catskills, and a few blocks in Butt Springs, Idaho, populated by bald guys in tights). The Korean translation is pithy but I don't know it, and the West Canadian version (a pidgin based on Kutenai, Upper Cascadian, Vancouver Yiddish, Arc-a-plat, Salish, Mam, and a very rare Zapotec-Welsh Creole whose only speaker admitted that it was a joke and that, on reflection, Klingon was funnier) is frankly obscene.

The Linguistic sense of humor can makes the Mathematical sense of humour (sic) seem like Slapstick.

Mind you, Buster Keaton was a genius, the extraordinary Harold Lloyd was extraordinary, and so-called revolutionary leftist Charlie Chaplin set the cause of communism back 300 years by eating his boots on film.

Sure, it was funny. But ever since every red-blooded American has associated socialism with starvation. No wonder the undernourished starvelings lost the Cold War.

Cartoon, Time Magazine, possibly the 1970s (I've fleshed out the details - the original was all punchline, no atmosphere; I've rectified that).

Boris and Natasha, Russian peasants, loyal party members of the local Siberian branch of the communist party, are about to tuck into their weekly sumptuous repast -- a nice bit of black bread, not too hard, and maybe even too much for one fork to hold, if they had a fork.

Boris is a good, kind man. As a loyal soviet atheist, he'd be horrified to be told there was anything Christian about his actions, but he still does a very Christian thing. He pauses to reflect on the less fortunate. It's sympathy, not schadenfreude.

Xtian grace-before-meals would be a major no-no, of course, but Boris comes up with a close equivalent.

He puts down his knife, which he made himself from a tractor part. He looks up at his pictures of Lenin, Stalin and Phar Lap. And he says:

"Natasha, my love -- before we enjoy this great bounty provided for us by the Party, let us spare a thought for the less fortunate. Let us imagine the plight of the American peasant, who has to *pay* for his bread."

Natasha shudders. Paying! For food! Does the wanton cruelty and rapacity of the wicked capitalist know no bounds of common human decency? Is nothing sacred?

They eat their bread. Later, they died. But their son Tolya, a good chess player who hoped to be a doctor if he studied hard, got a lucky break as a mafia hitman, and now lives in retirement in Switzerland, where he owns several horses and a water polo team. He never eats bread.

I'm trying to think of a way to make money from your unique skill.

I'm attempting to come up with something less <gauche> than simply charging for admission.

Perhaps you are in the market for an <agent>?

I'd only charge 75% of the proceeds.

I believe that's the <industry standard> rate, but I'm no expert.

Outstanding work sir.

The correct answer was "Sandwich was instrumental in providing the military power that enabled Britain to keep "Canada" from joining the <American War of Independence>.

Two factors were primary in preventing the <Canadian French> population from joining the Revolution (and they were all for it).

1. <Guy Carleton's> success in passing the <Quebec Act> in 1774, which gave the <French Canadians> everything they could possibly want, politically, culturally, and socially.

2. <Sandwich's> key role in re-shaping and, really, saving the military potency of British Seapower.

100 trillion points to <Joe> for this one.

But I've done enough damage here for one night (more, more!), and it's almost (= long after by now) eleventy o'clock again (funny how those clock times recur... is there a pattern, I wonder?)

So Gufeld can wait. (Actually, no, he can't -- here's my report -- and it's so mega-long it comes in two chunks):

A fascinating yarn: a fat, sad, happy, jolly man who moved from Georgia USSR to California USA late in life, and had a difficult adjustment. Died about 5 yrs ago, in his mid-60s, overweight and ill and not very happy at the end.

He'd once been in the USSR Army chess team, and he was scraping a living with his American 'friends'. I suspect it was rough for him. Yet, somehow, he played beautiful chess to the very end. If the game has really produced artists, creative geniuses, makers of beauty, visionaries ... Eddie is way up there in the pantheon, forever.

He went from being a Hero of the Soviet Union 2nd/3rd class -- fodder for world champs in Russian tournaments, spare 'safe' grandmaster for sending to lesser events overseas with instructions to win anyway (plus state salary and benefits and a job as trainer to Maya Chiburdinadze, then aiming for the world title) ... to life in Amerika, where you paid for everything, went broke, demeaned yourself in many humiliating ways, and learned to survive by giving chess 'lessons' to dreamers buying a chunk of the old charisma.

Well, it's a better use of time and money than, say, psychoanalysis. Or most drugs, certain forms of self abuse, philately, amateur cat burglary, numismatics, plastic surgery, or building model aircraft from kits. But I digress.

Actually, I have great respect, even admiration, for Fast Eddie G. <GufeldStudent> who had been exactly what his name suggests, had known him well late in life, had traveled to tournaments with him across the USA, and had some good stories...

... (He had to provide his own board & clock! - the mind boggles -- I couldn't do that, not having owned a standard board or clock in 20 years -- I've got a set in Italian marble and an antique-ish wooden analog clock, but I don't think they'd cut mustard -- here, such things are provided in tourneys).

Eddie was also a 'character' (and 'characters' can be lovable or difficult or impossible or all three) -- he told stories about falling in love over the chessboard, being called a 'yobbo' by Botvinnik, and playing soccer with Bobby Fischer (not doing all three at once, though, sadly) which he used to recycle as magazine articles in six different languages, and recycle again in books like 'Chess: the Search for Mona Lisa'.

And yet. His play could be sublime. His annotations have a rueful tinge of what might have been. The clock was his enemy, and he took it personally. He wrote at least one classic book on the King's Indian, and he practically patented the 'Gufeld Bishop' on g7. No royalties, however.

Two or three of his games should not be missed. There's a famous loss to Kavalek in a student olympiad around 1960, where Kavalek's pawns crush a whole pile of pieces. There's the 'yobbo' (or 'hooligan') game, from a soviet team match, where he sacrifices wildly in a QID to destroy Smyslov (or was it Bronstein?).

And there's his personal Mona Lisa, the jewel, his moment of pure inspiration, a modern immortal game: a sacrificial wonder-game vs Bagirov (Bagirov vs Gufeld, Kirovobad 1973). A King's Indian (his specialty: usually the fianchetto variation with g3/Bg2 as White, and as Black mainly systems with ...Nc6 (eg, Panno var) and sometimes an aggressive ...b5 sac. The Bagirov game is a Samisch with 5.f3 by white: it begins 1.d4 g6 2.c4 Bg7 3.Nc3 d6 4.e4 Nf6 5.f3 0-0 6.Be3 Nc6 7.Nge2 Rb8 8.Qd2 a6 9.Bh6 --

(Gufeld note: "Bagirov chuckled to himself: 'If I exchane the g7 bishop, Gufeld will be disarmed.' Incidentally, there is a grain of truth in that. But here I was in fact not so upset over losing my favorite bishop ... ") -- 9... b5 10.h4 e5 11.Bxg7 Kxg7 12.h5 Kh8 13.Nd5 ... and the game is on a knife-edge already...

Check 'em out, especially the Bagirov game. It was annotated in many books, including Gufeld's 'Mona Lisa' and the Burgess/Emms/Nunn collection of the world's greatest ever games.

Gufeld: "If I had some genius, it really was aroused on the night I played against Bagirov. Sad as it may be, I also turned out to be 'a genius for one evening'. This game was unique in my career. But I am grateful to my destiny for this particular evening." (from 'The Art of the King's Indian').

Sorry I don't have links or precise references to hand. Maybe some helpful type will provide them if they prove too elusive.

Now I'll shut up. And take a vow of silence, or brevity. Do they have Vows of Brevity? "I prms 2b brief"?

Right, I'll have on of those. And I'll keep my thoughts on poor bloody Kurtz to myself. For now.

Ciao, Bella. And check out Fast Eddie, really, do, please, if only one game.

I can't have 'hopes' either, as the omniscience thang (I know everything about Canadian history, for example, but I'll keep quiet: proleptics have enemies too) puts the kibosh on 'em. But options are cool.

Oh, Creeping Jehosophat, there I go again.

Instead of those garland thingies, they'd greet visitors with a recital of the ancient proverb <"Welcome to this Isle of Tranny/ Where boys and girls are all named Fanny/ Some are sweet/ And some you greet/ But none aren't getting any ... and, little history here, did you know that the Earl of Sandwich, shortly before annexing the entire planet for the British Empire, was the first person to note that 'transvestites' rhymes with 'pants, vests, tights' ...?">

You did? Swell. That's an imperative: I was addressing your head.

I will check out <Guefeld> thoroughly here on the CG.com database.

I'm specially interested because I almost always play the KID against d4 (I only know 4 openings, and don't know them that well, truth be told).

I find the KID fascinating, so much of it depends on <intricate Knight manoeuvers>, as <Eyal> put it.

And who could resist your story about <Fast Eddie> and his <student>?

Not me that's for sure.

If only for this one game, <Gufeld> deserves to go down in history as a great artist. As great as any artist in any medium.

The tactics are dizzying and his vision so deep, breathtaking, really.

This is an Immortal Game. I will never do anything in my life as good as this. As special as this. Unless I become a <rodeo clown> or <president of Canada>, maybe, but I doubt it even then.

EVERYONE LOOK AT THIS GAME:

<Outstanding work sir.>

<VERY IMPRESSIVE SIR.>

Yes, very impressive! When <jessicafischerqueen> said <no googling>, I (and most others) took it to mean, "don't use a search engine".

Only <JoeWms> had the think-outside-the-box insight to apply strict literalism to the "no googling" rule, which he so succinctly summed up with: <I didn't Google to get that. Google is not the only game in town, you know.>

It seems so simple now. Use Yahoo! or AltaVista! or...

I'm glad you found and liked Bagirov vs Gufeld. It's an amazingly rich and deep game to analyze -- way beyond me in places, to tell the truth. But it's chess of a kind I *know* I can't play, the true work-of-bloody-genius stuff. Complete with minor errors, great risks, bravery, intuition, calculation, and chances for both sides. A beaut.

Here's another beaut. After Bagheera, it seems unfair to pick one where Gufeld was on the losing side, but I really like this game as well. First, Gufeld's mind wandered in the opening (I know that feeling) and he fell into a 'trap' that he not only knew about already but had previously prepared at home.

Then strange mysterious imbalances start, and keep coming. There must be about, oh, nine rook or exchange sacs. Feels like it.

The finish is wonderful: Gufeld trying everything to return material, Kavalek spurning offers to win the old-fashioned way, with pawns.

Plus, of course, the winner of this game, Kavalek, became second/trainer to one Nigel Short 30+ years later, helping him in match victories against Speelman, Gelfand and Karpov. Karpov had never lost a match to anyone but Kasparov before.

Then Kurtz came up against Gazza, for a world title of their own manufacture, plus some money. A few games in, he sacks Kavalek -- his crimes were reportedly being 'lazy', failing to produce ideas and novelties like the other seconds, Huebner and Speelman were doing.

Above all, though, Kavalek was guilty of levity. He was seen joking with his friend, film director Milos Forman.

Kurtz, whose language of praise for an opening that appeals to him is something like "Yess! It's meaty! It's got balls!" doesn't like levity, unless he's the one levitating.

Which doesn't tend to happen much against Kasparov. Exit Lubosh Kavalek.

I've only been below 1840 once before, about 30 years ago, on the way up -- I'd hate to meet myself on the way back down.

These <Internet games> are NOT real chess. Not even a little bit.

Now I will watch the <Fast Eddie> game you posted for me.

Heh <Kurtz>. What a "personality" he has-- alternately boasting and cringing. I'd pay 500,000 to see him in a fist fight with <Kamsky>.

<Cellular> (2004)

STARRING:

<Chris Evans> (never heard of him, but nice buns)

<What's her face> (OK, she hasn't had a good role in a long time but you'll recognize her when you see her)

<Jason Statham> (Crank)

<William H. Macy> (Spartans, and every single other David Mamet movie ever made)

DIRECTED BY:

<David R. Ellis> (Dr. Strangelove, The Hills Have Eyes VII)

TRAILER:

http://www.phone/unbelievable-mess....

Synopsis:

<What's her Face> is kidnapped and her <illegal immigrant maid> is gunned down. Meanwhile, on what looks like <Coney Island>, Our <young hero> is begging his girlfriend to get back with him, promising to be more mature. He makes good on his promise by recieving a <cellular phone call> from the Kidnapped woman, and proceeds to go on a <fake crime spree> to help her, featuring <not one single plausible event>. Happily, <Bill Macy> saves the day as the <one honest cop in the world> by overcoming being <a wimp about to open a beauty salon> and showing he is a <true man> by gunning down all the <bad cops>. If you find this synopsis confusing, wait till you see the movie!

REVIEW:

"I'd rather be born without a face than have to watch this movie again." <Lindsay Lohan>, COURT TV

BOTTOM LINE: