Don't look at me like that. I don't invent the rules.

Latest news -- another win today in round 4, complete with queen sac and mate. It took all of 28 moves, as I had Black; I also dithered for a few moves before seeing the win -- I'm averaging about 24 moves per game overall now.

Maybe I'm not getting value for money? Yesterday, after winning, wining and dining, I returned to the tournament venue 5 hours after my game ended, to find a few of 'em still wearily playing on.

You will be entitled to free cigars, caviar and a lifetimes supply of toilet paper from a fund of donations from unsuspecting Third World Countries who do not have Elitists of their own to look up to

Now you have to do such things as look Elitist at the chess board, and understand where all the pieces go, no they do not go up your nostrils....

You would also have to oblige at least 2 photo shoots a year with some well endowed bikini models aboard a yacht in the Mediteranean.

I hear one of them is called Arnold and he does back massages too.

I turn up half an hour late, play slowly, find myself an hour behind on the clock, and soon turn a tenable position into a lost one. Next day I repeat the trick with some added finesses: I arrive even later, I get a very winnable position out of the opening - my opponent said he thought about resigning and would have grabbed at a draw offer... but I then suffer a temporal distortion,thinking I have 3 mins for 25 moves. In fact I've misread the clock, and have 33 mins. But I start blitzing out moves at high speed without really looking, and soon get mated.

And the day after *that* I repeat the trick with the clock, except this time I thought my opponent had lost on time. So I offered a draw to cover my confusion.

These are the things you don't see in bare lists of moves. I am exploring forms and varieties of idiocy where the hand of no white pawn has ever set foot...

That ...Qxh2+ mating sac in the Dutch was fun (are 'Monday puzzles' the easy ones? -- well, if there was a day *before* Monday, this might fit...), but I'd missed several earlier wins. For example, after my ...Nf3+ and White's Bxf3, simply ...Qxf3 (followed by ...Bh3) wins at once. But I was fixated on putting my bishop on f3, and I suppose it was all totally won by then anyway.

It's an interesting experience -- first time for me, at any rate -- to play people who've 'prepared' for you by looking up your earlier games online and adjusting opening strategies. I'm not sure it helps, but I guess I'd better toddle off now and see what kind of stuff tomorrow's opponent plays. The psychological gambit would be to switch defences at this point -- yep, it's a dogfight at the arse end of the table too.

- How do you do, ma'am? I'm yer man's stunt double, they hire me for the life-threatening scenes during chess tournaments when his high-and-mighty Dom-ness is too lazy or incompetent to leave his trailer.

That oughtta do it. Hi, Deffi ... thanks for electing me Prez. I promise to hold up the constitution and to uphold the bank.

I finally won another game in round 8, btw, with my first French. Double Pernods all round. Salut. Vive les Grenouilles...

Oh, and 'see below' for you is 'see above' for me ... but that's only natural when everything's inverted like this. Inverted? Invested? Invented?

<MORE <<INEXPLICABLE>> SHENANIGANS, <<KASPAROV-KARPOV>> 1990>: After reaching this position in the last game of the World Championship:

click for larger view

Kasparov calmly played <36.Rxa4>, establishing a seemingly overwhelming position. if Karpov took back with his knight (looks forced to me), Kasparov would have the bishop pair and an extra passed pawn in exchange for a rook.

And then Kasparov OFFERED A DRAW!! Karpov, with good reason, immediately accepted.

After the HUB BUB died down in the Press Room, <Bruce Pandolfini> had this to say by way of explanation:

<"Karpov and Kasparov are almost a single entity...It is risky for <<Kasparov to annihilate Karpov>>. What would be left?... Most likely, his next opponent will be little more than a weak sparring partner.">

OUCH!!!

If I were <Nigel Short>, would MY EARS EVER BE BURNING!!

'When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer.'

<azaris: Why did the voting open so early? 20 days of bickering about 1.d4 vs. 1.e4 is sure to kill the team spirit and morale. It's just stupid and unproductive.>

<kellmano: <azaris> It only has to turn into an argument if we let it. I would enjoy a good-humoured debate about the merits of 1.e4 or 1.d4. It is The World's fault if it turns nasty!>