1) Repeat the same bad jokes over and over on many different forums.

2) Misspell EVERYTHING.

3) Have a name that is easy to insult, provided <Bufon> has not already created accounts with these names. Some suggestions: <Idiott>, <dubas>, <sutpid>, <sheetbranes>.

4) Whenever trying to construct a witty retort, always ensure that you never actually insult the person to whom you are responding. The key is to be incoherent. Failing this, you must ensure that at best, you merely display your lack of rhetorical skill.

5) When faced with an insult, frustrate your detractors by simply failing to understand the gist of the insult.

6) Never, ever, ever follow any line of thought logically.

<Topalov - Kramnik, Oct-02-06>

<flapjack>:

Topa's slick and oily ploy to avoid losing the match has given him a new nickname across the world: "Vaseline Stopaloss" ;-)

<trevormkidd>:

Topalov is taking a lot of time on this move. I am starting to think that Kramnik is sitting at the board this game and that is unnerving Topalov.

<acirce>:

< RolandTors: A letter on behalf of Topalov, at last:

Dear Topy:

We know that these are challenging times for you and your associate. We wish you the best and let us know if you need a little "help" from your friends. Remember that we can always make your opponent an offer that he can't refuse.

And, speaking of opponents, let this guy Kramnik know that if he ever insist again on changing the result of game 5 you will immediately inform the "boss" because, as you know, the boss likes to hear the bad news promptly.

Do not forget also to mention that if he collaborates we can always "arrange" one or two tournaments for him.

Sincerely, your friends...

GM Alphonse Capone
IM Charles 'Lucky' Luciano
FM John Gotti

PS: And remember next time you miss a mating move just take your move back and play the winner move, we will take care of the rest.>

How's that?>

I almost choked on my dinner myself reading that one.

<I think many people aren't quite sure what the Devil's Advocate page is...>

Yasser: Was that a b7 pawn hanging there?

Yasser: Well I would’ve stopped to think about it

Nigel Short: ‘Pawns are for schoolboys’ as Korchnoi once told me

Yasser: Yeah and Victor spent a lifetime grabbing them too!

<Zaltar>:

Topalov is clearly outplaying Kramnik, except for his bad moves, and not including Kramnik's good moves.

Topalov is clearly outplaying Kramnik, except for his bad moves, and not including Kramnik's good moves.>

<azaris>: Possible titles for Danailov's book:

"My Sixty Memorable Complaints"
"Toilet Is Not OK"
"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Chess Politics"
"Winning Non-Chess Strategies"

<percyblakeney>: "I don't believe in good moves, I believe in parapsychology" is another possible classic.

<Karpova>: not to forget: "toilet fundamentals"

<Ingolf>: "Sometimes, corruption is not enough"

<Chopin>: "My corrupt system"

<percyblakeney>: "Veselin Topalov - An Autobiography" by Silvio Danailov.

<pawn to QB4>: "Think Like A Shyster"

<Chopin>: "Regaining Bladder Control: What Every GM Needs to Know"

<Sannder>: <percyblakeney> I was about to write "Veselin TOpalov -my life and games" by Silvio Danailov, but you got there first:)

<Chopin>: "Awaken the devil Within"

<babakova>: "Mein kampf"

<Chopin>: "Silvio Danailov teaches chess etiquette"

<Chopin>: "The Goebbels Diaries"

<amuralid>: "The art of open letters"

"How to win without playing"

"The manager's gambit"

<Bufon>: "Danailov´s Gambit"

<Chopin>: "How to beat the Russian defence"

<Plato>: "The Case for Bladder Control: Topalov's Harrowing Match Against the Toilet," by Silvio Danailov.

<Chopin>: "Veselin Topalav: How to flush your chess career down the toilet"

<Chopin>: "The game of the Century: Kramnik vs Topalov, 2006 "

Anyway, back to business...

Part II:

<Open Defence>: "Rumble in the... no not in the Jungle in the rest room"

<lostemperor>: "Why Kramnik did not flush the toilet!"

<Chopin>: "Toilet Training for Juniors"

<Plato>: "Man versus Machine: Topalov - Deep Toilet 25.0, Elista 2006"

by Silvio "you're full of crap" Danailov

<Open Defence>: "die Blockade und das Abführmittel"

<Chopin>: "Breaking through: How Topalov changed the chess unification match"

<Chopin>: "Which Weasel locked my toilet door"

<Open Defence>: "Weasels flushed my Fritz"

<Chopin>: "Bulgarians Gone Wild" on DVD now!

<Open Defence>: "When Toilets Attack (For mature audiences only)"

<TheAlchemist>: "Toilets, Obscenities, Playing And LOVe in Elista" by Silvio Danailov

<Chopin>: "Topalov: The Art of the Deal"

<chessmoron>: "Art of a mind-game maniac" by Silvio "the f***" Danailov

<lostemperor>: "Why Kramnik went to the ladies!"

<ivan999>: "Living by the sword'

<Chopin>: Hydra (Computer) vs http://www.catalog.kohler.com/onlin...

<Open Defence>: "The art of Sylv Danail (Self Denial)" - Vesselin Topalov ....

<Chopin>: "History of the Flush Toilet"

<Open Defence>: "A Royal Flush beats a Full House" - Bulgarian Chess Federation

<Chopin>: Famous movie quotes-- "I'll be back!"

<percyblakeney>: "Play it again, Kram!"

<Chopin>: LYSOL® Disinfecting and Cleaning Solutions, is a proud sponsor of The Bulgarian Chess Championships.

<TheAlchemist>: "I Tarzan, Kramnik Cheeta"

<Gregor Samsa Mendel>: "J'accuse: Kramnik's Toilet was on the Fritz!"

<cu8sfan>: I wanna try too: The Fluzhin Defense!

<TheAlchemist>: "Crap on, crap off. The Crapper."

<Chopin>: "Kramnik's washroom breaks: move by move"

<Chopin>: "Understanding toilet structures"

<Chopin>: "Kramnik: My Life, games & Washroom breaks"

<TheAlchemist>: "The Whiner Within" by Silvio Danailov

Also, a potential pun could be, what is Kramnik's "IP number"? (although I'm aware it's actually address, so I deserve all the boos here)

<Chopin>: "64 Things You Need to Know about Public Washrooms"