“What does a Stag with 12 branches have to do with Bee’s Jelly?!” he thought, and stuck the night’s fork into the jelly. It tasted awful. He let out a sigh, and headed down below to the Ship’s Vault. He was ready to begin his mission. The mission had been declared Top Secret, but I’ll colour you in anyway: At 10 past Midnight, he’d detach his derriere by Harrier off the Carrier to the middle of the Cobaltic Sea…and when, at first seen, he would land on submarine, floating in the aquamarine, to meet an important diplomat, who carried, of all things, a chess rating-calculating secret formula! Sneaky knew why he had been picked for this particular mission. That was simple. He was great at Chess…but a bad auto-mechanic. So they offered him this mission and in return, they’d fix those sticky V12’s in his Rolls Royce.

“What were those sticky things called again?” he thought to himself, and spied the Secret Vault. He opened it quite easily, because he was great at combinations. Inside the safe were two large diatoms split in half. Next to the halves of diatoms there laid a thin, black and white checkered dossier, titled: Operation “Humpty Dumpty”.

“Oh,” thought Sneaky, “All the King’s family, and not All the King’s Men! But what does that have to do with the anatomy of diatoms, or any benthic shelled organism for that matter……(such as a clam or oyster),” he parenthetically added after a brief pause in his synaptic transmissions. He perused through the dossier, growing silent with awe as he discovered the identity of the diplomat. 11:39pm – BEEP! The wristwatch alarm sounded one-minute too early, and shattered Sneaky’s line of analysis. This caused his heart to skip a beat.

“My ticker may not work, but thanks to goddess Caissa, the tri-gated egress of my cardiac muscle still lets my blue-blood flow!” he thought. He rushed back on deck, while the following thought ping-ponged its way across his corpus callosum: “Who wrote Caissa? Was it William Jones? Not quite. Something is missing. Why is that something so important?” Since he had a job to do, he didn’t care. Rather, he didn’t care, for he had a job to do.

Sneaky flew to the rendezvous. He couldn’t help but feel excited. He was about to meet his idol. This is because the diplomat was also an International Grandmaster of Chess.

1. d4 Nf6 2. c4 c5 3. d5 b5 4. cxb5 a6 5. Nc3 g6 6. e4

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6...d6? <Benko players who chicken out end up with a wholly inferior form of the Benko gambit where White gets everything: the pawn, the right to castle, the ability to play e4 in one move. 6...axb5 is the best move!> 7. f4 Bg7 8. e5!?

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<This is probably not the best way to play the position, but it's so much fun I can't resist.> 8...dxe5 9. fxe5 Ng4 10. e6! Nf6 11. exf7+ Kxf7 12. Bc4 Qd6 13. Nge2 Rd8? 14. Bf4 Qb6

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Black to move.

First of all, I did NOT play 1...f6? realizing that Qf4! would save White's hide.

Instead I tried 1...bxc3

If White played bxc3 he probably would have been OK, although I'd have some weak pawns to work against with moves like ...Qc4 and ...Rfc8. However he decided to get fancy, and came up with this lemon

2.Rc5?

My next move was automatic, but I was only thinking that I'd win a pawn. As it turned out the bounty was much larger.

2...cxb2!

White is now up that famous creek without a paddle, but he tries to salvage the situation:

3.Rb3?

Allowing this pretty combination:

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4.Qe4!

1. e4 c5 2. Nf3 Nc6 3. d4 cxd4 4. Nxd4 e5 5. Nb5 a6 6. N5a3 <I'm not familiar with this move. I've looked at Nb5, Nf5, Nb3, Nf3, but this one is new to me. It looks sort of wrong, but maybe the position is no different from a Shveshnikov sicilian?> Nf6 7. Bg5 Be7 <...Bc5 might be better, threatening Bxf2+> 8. Bd3 d5 9. Bxf6 gxf6 10. exd5 Qxd5 11. O-O? <aaaaah!!! I can't believe it! He castled into it!!> Rg8 12. f3 Bh3 <it's so rare to see White screwed this badly vs the sicilian, it deserves a diagram>

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Any poker players here? Specifically, no-limit Texas Holdem? (I hate limit Holdem. We call it No-Foldem Holdem around here. Strictly for tourists and old ladies.)

I think that it's a great game. No, it's not like chess, but it's great nonetheless. Like chess, poker has its own rules which are semi-scientific in nature. Some plays in poker are the equivilent of rules like pushing your passed pawns, or opening up a game for your bishops.

It was Sneaky's Dictionary game, with the suggestion of the definitions of simple words, rather than the definitions themselves. It's two words defined this way, and they happen to form an anagram of a GM.

I wonder if it is possible to market stories like this on the backs of trading cards, with ratings from easy *, to moderate **, to difficult ****. It could be a good way to spend the time between games, or maybe not.

Anyway, here are the clues, for anyone still interested...

Word 1:

1)The thought of nightwatch aboard the HMS Pterodactyl, under the command of Admiral Lester Fabian is not a very appealing thought.

2.)“What does a Stag with 12 branches have to do with

3.)Bee’s Jelly?!” he thought

4.)colour you in anyway: At 10 past

5.)Midnight, he’d detach his derriere by Harrier off the Carrier to the middle of the

6.)Cobaltic Sea…and when, at first seen, he would land on submarine, floating in the

7.)Aquamarine,

8.)“All the King’s family, and not All the King’s Men!

9.)"Who wrote Caissa? Was it William Jones? Not quite. 9.)Something is missing. Why is that something so important?”

10.)blue-blood

Word 2:

11.)they’d fix those sticky V12’s in his Rolls Royce.

11.)“What were those sticky things called again?” he thought

12.)the anatomy of diatoms, or any benthic shelled organism for that matter……(such as a clam or oyster)

13.)tri-gated egress of my cardiac muscle

Word 1:
Zweig's adjective for it:
http://www.geocities.com/SiliconVal...

Word 2:
General Biology of the Diatom:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diatom

Here it is deciphered...
Word 1:
1)The thought of nightwatch aboard the HMS Pterodactyl, under the command of Admiral Lester Fabian is not a very appealing thought:Royal Navy (HMS) 2.)“What does a Stag with 12 branches have to do with: Royal Stag 3.)Bee’s Jelly?!” he thought: Royal Jelly
4.)colour you in anyway:colour is...all shades of blue 5.)Midnight, he’d detach his derriere by Harrier off the Carrier to the middle of the: (Midnight blue) 6.)Cobaltic Sea…and when, at first seen, he would land on submarine, floating in the:(Cobalt blue)
7.)Aquamarine:(Aquamarine=abluehuedblue):from all shades of blue....Royal Blue

8.)“All the King’s family, and not All the King’s Men!": The Royal Family. 9.)"Who wrote Caissa? Was it William Jones? Not quite. 9.)Something is missing. Why is that something so important?” Something missing in William Jones? Sir William Jones. "Sir", title of he who is knighted. Knighted: to make Royal. 10.)blue-blood: of or pertaining to Royal blood

I like HOLD'EM a lot- what's your strategy?

My holdem strategy is very simple but annoying to play against.

I consider these the premium hands: AA KK QQ AK
Second tier hands: JJ TT AQ AJ
Third tier hands: KQ AT 99 88 77
Fourth tier hands: KJ QJ AX-suited 66 55 44 33 22

Here's what I do. I almost always fold hands not on that chart. In bad position (betting early) I fold 4th tier hands. Assuming I have a hand I can play with, I always open for the same bet--4 times the big blind.

If everybody folds, fine, I get paid. If I have a customer or two then comes the flop, and without even looking at what comes up, I make a bet equal to roughly the size of the pot (or maybe just smaller.) Most of the time the flop doesn't help my hand, so this is a bluff. The flip side is, that most of the time it doesn't help THEIR hand either, so they run away scared. So whether or not the flop helped my hand, I bet the pot and I'm prepared to fold against obvious pressure.

Assuming I get called, comes murky 4th street play.

This style makes you a very aggressive player, people don't want to tangle with you over pots. They can never tell what cards you hold by what you bet, since you always bet the exact same way.

In a 5/10 blinds game, I get dealt KING KONG (a pair of kings), I open for 40 preflop (as always) from an early position. Everybody folds but for one guy across from me. Up comes the flop, QJ8. There's about 100 in the pot so that's what I bet. He calls me, so I have him made for a pair of queens or *maybe* a straight draw. Up comes a brick, a 2 of clubs. I bet 300 (pot size) and he calls. Finally up comes a 6 of clubs, which makes the third club on the table. For what it's worth, one of my Kings was a club as well.

Now here's the trick: I have him made for either Queens, or a busted straight draw. Once I make a "read" on a player, I'm not going to second guess myself later. He's not going to trick me and try to convince me that he's been in this expensive pot just praying for a club all this time. But I want him to try to trick me. So after being so hyperagressive, I suddenly look worried at that club, slam the brakes, and meekly say "check."

Here's what's going through his mind: "Oh my God, my straight is busted, but more than half of my chips are in the pot. But look, he's worried! He's worried about the flush! The only way to win this pot is to play into his fears that I sucked out my flush!" Predictably enough, he goes all in. He stands up to push the chips in with great gusto, as if to say "I am invincible." He should have won an Emmy for his acting performance. Of course, I instantly call. Sure enough, he had AT and was praying for an Ace, a King or a 9.

The "normal" way to play this pot would have been to make one last pot sized bet at the end, to which he probably would have folded knowing that I have become unbluffable. But had I done that, I wouldn't have taken him for his entire stack.