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< Earlier Kibitzing · PAGE 78 OF 127 ·
Later Kibitzing> |
Mar-11-14
 | | WCC Editing Project: <Ohio>
Yes, I'll remove the endnotes soon. You'll have a couple of days to look at the naked draft before I submit it. |
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Mar-11-14
| | WCC Editing Project: This is in the mirror now:
<They planned a quadruple round robin tournament among the following candidates-> |
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| Mar-12-14 | | Boomie: <Wild Caliph's Concubine> <They planned a quadruple round robin tournament among the following candidates-> Consider using "with" instead of "among". I'm not sure if that's an improvement or just the mad cow talking. Anyhoo that's my proposition about the preposition.
I've always believed that propositions are good things to finish relationships on. |
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Mar-12-14
 | | OhioChessFan: I'm okay with "among", although I've never been 100% on board with it and am glad you are bringing it up now. "with" might be a tiny bit better. Some other possibilites: "between" or "featuring" or "contested by"? |
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Mar-12-14
| | OhioChessFan: Putting some options together for a better look:
<They planned a quadruple round robin tournament among the following candidates-> <They planned a quadruple round robin tournament with the following candidates-> <They planned a quadruple round robin tournament between the following candidates-> <They planned a quadruple round robin tournament featuring the following candidates-> <They planned a quadruple round robin tournament contested by the following candidates-> |
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Mar-12-14
| | WCC Editing Project: <TimHioCollective>
I much prefer this one:
<They planned a quadruple round robin tournament featuring the following candidates-> I think it "reads" the best for style, and I think "featuring" is an appropriate word given that this was certainly a "marquee" event. |
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| Mar-12-14 | | Boomie: <Wanting Crispy Cephalopods> <They planned a quadruple round robin tournament featuring the following candidates-> At least that would rule out <They planned a quadruple round robin tournament replete with the heretofore surreptitiously selected following candidates-> |
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Mar-13-14
| | WCC Editing Project: <Tak! Igen!>
Actually I like your "ruled out" suggestion, but I did put this into the mirror now: <They planned a quadruple round robin tournament featuring the following candidates-> |
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Mar-13-14
| | OhioChessFan: You went with the one I liked best. "featuring" seems to hit the right note. |
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Mar-13-14
| | OhioChessFan: <Shortly before the tournament, Fine dropped out because of academic commitments. > Have we addressed this before? No matter. Does anyone prefer "due to academic commitments"? <According to Kenneth Whyld, Keres told him that he was not ordered to lose games to Botvinnik, but also that if Botvinnik didn't become champion, it "must not be the fault of Keres."> "but also that if" doesn't flow. Anyone got an alternative? |
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| Mar-13-14 | | dakgootje: < Does anyone prefer "due to academic commitments"?> Yes - I do.
<"but also that if" doesn't flow. Anyone got an alternative?> maybe "and furthermore" - but the sentence winds & negates to such extend that I'm not entirely positive that's what's meant. So from my point of view more of the sentence has to be rewritten - I don't understand it currently :) |
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Mar-13-14
| | WCC Editing Project: <DakHio>
You may be pleased, or horrified, to learn that I just put in both of your editing suggestions: #####################
Fine dropped out due to academic commitments.
#####################
Some charge that the Soviets pressured Keres to throw games to help Botvinnik win.<21> According to Kenneth Whyld, Keres told him that he was not ordered to lose games to Botvinnik, and furthermore, if Botvinnik didn't become champion, it "must not be the fault of Keres."<22> |
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Mar-13-14
| | WCC Editing Project: <Police Squad: The Naked Draft> <Ohio> You may be horrified to learn that I have taken out all of the "in draft reference listings" now. I also re-checked every single note and reference in the process. Referential-wise, I think the draft is on terra firma. |
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Mar-13-14
| | OhioChessFan: "and furthermore" flows, but let's break that sentence down. 1. Keres says he wasn't ordered to lose games.
2. Keres says, by implication, he better not win/draw against Botvinnik if that whole/half point would cost Botvinnik the tournament. Those two thoughts strike me as being more "but" or "however" related than "also" or "furthermore" related. That is, 2 seems to indicate 1 isn't really true. Definitely 2 doesn't flow logically from 1. |
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Mar-13-14
| | WCC Editing Project: Oops
<Dak>
This actually changes the meaning:
<Some charge that the Soviets pressured Keres to throw games to help Botvinnik win.<21> According to Kenneth Whyld, Keres told him that he was not ordered to lose games to Botvinnik, and furthermore, if Botvinnik didn't become champion, it "must not be the fault of Keres."<22>> I think it's time for the old "two sentence" ploy:
First try-
<According to Kenneth Whyld, Keres told him that he was not ordered to lose games to Botvinnik. Instead, he was warned that if Botvinnik didn't become champion, it "must not be the fault of Keres."> Horrifyingly, I think this second try is better in terms of rendering the meaning in the clearest way. However, it uses the verboten word "however": <According to Kenneth Whyld, Keres told him that he was not ordered to lose games to Botvinnik. He was, however, warned that if Botvinnik didn't become champion, it "must not be the fault of Keres."> |
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Mar-13-14
| | WCC Editing Project: <Ohio>
Jinx!
I am relieved that you also invoked the verboten "however" in your last post. |
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Mar-13-14
| | OhioChessFan: <According to Kenneth Whyld, Keres told him that he was not ordered to lose games to Botvinnik, and furthermore, if Botvinnik didn't become champion, it "must not be the fault of Keres."> I am desperately seeking Susan and an alternative to using "However" as the first word in a sentence. |
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Mar-13-14
| | OhioChessFan: Wow, you posted my thoughts while I was composing my last post. I think we do need two sentences and I am scared to admit it might have to start with "However". |
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Mar-13-14
| | OhioChessFan: <WildCarousingChick: According to Kenneth Whyld, Keres told him that he was not ordered to lose games to Botvinnik. He was, however, warned that if Botvinnik didn't become champion, it "must not be the fault of Keres."> "However" doesn't give me chills nor cause my eyes to bleed as much when it isn't the first word in a sentence. The "instead" attempt flows <much> better, but the "however" try is more accurate. Is there a synthesis to be found.... |
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Mar-13-14
| | OhioChessFan: Musings......let's not confuse what Keres wasn't told with what he was told....should what he wasn't told carry the same weight as what he was told.....probably, since a denial of a widely held viewpoint is important.....should we use "denied" instead of "told him"?.....not too important.....man, I hate "however"......"He was, however," doesn't flow but at least the sentence doesn't start with "However" which is an aural boulder....accuracy matters most...."however" <is> a viable English word after all, so it can't be all that horrible to use it......yeah, it is that horrible to use....... Okay, there's my current stream of unconciousness. Maybe it will spark an idea. |
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Mar-13-14
| | WCC Editing Project: <Ohio Mind Meld Fan> If you can find a synthesis or a better try, I'd certainly be pleased to look at it. Possibly this audiovisual aid could help: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8DC... |
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Mar-13-14
| | OhioChessFan: http://www.progarchives.com/progres... |
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Mar-13-14
| | WCC Editing Project: <Ohio>
Actually I think this might help more than <Mr. Spock>. Here's the entire entry from <Krabbe's> website, verbatim: "Referring to items 42 and 50 in this Diary, Ken Whyld wrote me: "Keres told me in private, when he was my guest in Nottingham, that he was not ordered to lose those games to Botvinnik, and was not playing to lose. But he had been given a broader instruction that if Botvinnik failed to become World Champion, it must not be the fault of Keres." |
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Mar-13-14
| | WCC Editing Project: heh... |
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Mar-13-14
| | WCC Editing Project: What about quoting it like this? Then we have "But" instead of "however": <According to Kenneth Whyld, Keres told him that "he was not ordered to lose... games to Botvinnik, and was not playing to lose. But he had been given a broader instruction that if Botvinnik failed to become World Champion, it must not be the fault of Keres."> |
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