<Port my Authority>

Well I fell asleep around 1 second after my last post there.

I just watched the last 12 minutes and it does seem that <Excited> missed a chance for the three points. <McThompson's Gazelle> still man of the match for me, and by some considerable margin.

I'm not sure if I was hallucinating, but wasn't that the lofty (over 6 foot) <Namanya Match Stick> out there as well? No wonder <Excited> looked around 3 foot taller than usual on set pieces in the boxes.

<Poul Pougba> is still on the team right and coming back? And <Match Stick> was injured as well and now he's back?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't this mean that <Excited's> midfield is just about re-populated and re-born? <Juan AutoMata> was no slouch out there either, as previously stated.

On January transfer window, this may be heresy but I think <Excited> might consider buying a new world class goalie. It sounds terrible to say, but the old world class goalie may not be enough even for the near future.

Now watching <Arse> v <STL?>

"St. Louis"? I didn't know St. Louis had a side in the <No Hopa Tournament>?

Anyways this fixture really highlighting what a mess <Arsenal> are.

A broken team. Mainly, the relationship among the players is terrible, and the main culprit not the on again off again laziest player in Footy history <Messy Oil Slick>. It's a B-team for this outing, but you can still see where the problem is- <Gandoozy>. What a prat. He thinks that borrowing <David Luiz's> old haircut and being the only mobile midfielder on the squad gives him the right to constantly scold his teammates? Every time he touches the ball he starts waving his hands around in the "there's no one to pass to what are you prats doing" gesture.

AWFUL TEAM. No spirit. No class. Bottom of the barrel and heading lower at speed.

<David Luiz> and <Giroud> are finished and there is really no point paying them any longer. <Ozols> has never been an effective Premiere leaguer, and he never will be either. He does have a World Cup medal ring. But that's no help in the Premiere League is it.

Well mid way through the second half and <St. Louis> has scored again. All they need to do is score 3 more and <Assenal> is eliminated from the <No Hopa Tournament>.

Hard to believe even the most patriotic British neutral wouldn't be cheering for the Belgians now.

That is one impressive cascade of footballing trivia and observations. They are hugely appreciated of course, but whether I can find time to respond to even half of them is another matter, given that Xmas rituals have now begun in Fulchester.

The swapping of Xmas cards with the neighbours, the deep philosophical conversations with the Amazon delivery man … you know how it is. Still no call from the bluestocking bicycle brigade, but I have the boiled eggs and gorilla tape standing by just in case.

Very exciting I know … but all I really want to do is watch some American Football now that the playoffs are near, and catch some Prem action too … even indulge myself in a few post-match interviews with some of the coolest names in management, like <Jurgen Klippity-Klopp> and <Ralph Tootle-Pootle Hasenhuttl>. At Xmas time, the sage words of <Nuno Espirito di Santo Claus> take on a special meaning, as you will be aware.

Time is precious, but I have been horribly distracted by this footy version of “Do They Know It’s Brexmas” …

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ax...

What a superb offering to the footy community, even a year on. “The boy’s done us proud”, as <Ron Atkinson> might once have said.

Yes, <Juan Matador> has been a good servant of the club and I certainly don’t include him in the sulky big name, big ego brigade, but he’s not young any more and his dwindling appearances indicate to me that his time is about over. Somewhere like Bradford, Blackpool or Dundee would suit him fine for a twilight shift. I feel like orange would be his colour.

Undoubtedly, <Scott McDominate> should be the first name on the teamsheet these days. For a young rookie, he has shamed the rest of the squad, thanks to his great (yes, gazelle-like) engine and plenty of desire. As you say, it would be a travesty if he got dumped for the returning <Paul Dogma>, but with Matic making it clear he wants to be off and Lingard not yet fully convincing after his own “issues”, there should be room to accommodate both. I would go with <Pogba, Pereira, McTominay and James> across the midfield. We could then bring back <Freddie Flintstone> should the lanky Frenchman start behaving like <Karlis Ozols>. Or maybe we'd give <Ark Angel Gomes> another try out.

But <Holy Soulsearcher> must one day address this Martial/Rashford duplication of movement and position. Both are running the wide left and inside left channels and attacking from outside the penalty area, causing opposing defences to laugh at our lack of central, up in the box threat.

For that reason, <Mason Dreamgood> has to be in from the start, with <Trashford> supporting and <Field Martial> merely guarding the cocktail cabinet in the dressing room, as they so often do.

Hopefully, we sign Alf-Inge Haaland’s son <Erling> in the New Year. For now, that’s just an unsubstantiated rumour, but it would be … well, brilliant, if it happened. And why wouldn’t he want to swap sunny Salzburg for rainy Salford? Hmmm. Let’s hope that he’s a fan of the Smiths, or something.

Which reminds me - I haven’t stopped singing the stupidly infectious <Hang The DJ> since you posted it here weeks ago. Thanks for that. Still, it could have been worse – <Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others> would <not> have gone down well in my local supermarket.

Where was I? Oh yes, The Toffees. How have you enjoyed the return of <Big Bad Dunc> as Everton gaffer? He has absolutely no people skills and a defiant attitude that borders on pure arrogance. Yet he remains an inspirational character who will bully any slackers. Dispensing with his jacket in the middle of that heavy rainstorm was a real “bring it on” statement, wasn’t it? One for the cameras and the travelling fans. Or maybe he was just saying that every good <Toffee> has to come out of it’s wrapper sooner or later (groan). Either way, you have to admire a man who refuses to acknowledge the concept of an overcoat.

Being as hard as nails, Dunc is possibly the only man in the world who could have dished out <Chinese burns> and <Atomic Wedgies> to the young <Nigel Pearson> in the school playground.

Cutting to the chase … I fully expect The Toffees, after their ‘sticky’ start, to begin a modest rise up the table.

Hey, it didn’t taken <MoreVino> very long to get his feet under the table and start conducting media interviews with some playful jousting, eh? I guess no one can complain about his cockyness while the results remain encouraging. Just don’t be around when the clown stops laughing … as the expression goes.

In other news, you are absolutely correct, <The Arse> is a disgrace and poor old Freddy Ljungberg must start administering the suppositories. <Gwen Doozie> somehow manages to fit himself into every camera shot and angle, largely because he is always about three yards from the action, doing precisely nothing other than beseeching us to check out his lovely locks and impression of a galloping giraffe. Only surpassed in his ineffectiveness by <Messed Up Easel>, probably the most useless man in football (except when he decides to play). I could barely tell you the names of five more Arsenal players, but didn't <Giroud> move to Chelsea?

<Potrzebie my UP! DOVERUNUM! (Asterix reference in which Oblelix is supporting his "footy" team)>

A wealth of arcane footy analysis in which I was forced, as usual to refer to the online player/gaffer lists to decipher some of the names!

I wouldn't have it any other way. I regard spelling names correctly to be "jejune." To this day I don't know what that word means, and I'm never looking it up either.

Yes quite right <Giroud> is "playing" for Chelsea where his style has no fit whatsoever. Bit of a shame since he's one of the greatest natural goal scorers in footy history.

lol <Sam and Max> again!

"A chicken in every pot- and vice versa"

<Pointed Stick>

That is an <Excited> idea- I have to agree <Pogba, Pereira, McTominay and James> could well be a stellar midfield.

On <Andreas Tasty Perogi>, I was giving him stick just a week ago but look at this. He's the one who digs it out to keep the move going, an unearthly bit of flash worthy of <George Best> or <Johann Cruyff>.

This is a truly world historical goal; one-two touch footy involving all 11 players, 3 ball boys and a few of the assistant gaffers.

Starts at 0:55 here

<Pringles> I didn't see the Liverpool vs Foreigners match. I'm off the Reds for a while because I got tired of watching <Klippity Klop's> freakishly toothy grin and maddening "Ah shucks" persona in post game interviews. I went from wanting to throw a brick through my computer screen to cutting Liverpool out of my footy watching schedule. Also it's boring to watch a side win every game unless they're *your* side.

I remember <Shaquen, not Stirred> well when he played up front with <Are we not men? ovic> for the Hammers.

I used to watch full <West Ham> matches just to see them together.

They shared a similar quality- they would were inconsistent but were capable of more quality finish than anyone else on the club.

Back then the announcers used to call <Shaquille O'Neil> the "Swiss Messi" but I haven't heard that much since.

<Liverpool> doesn't need him so it galls me that he left Hammers. I know the players have to go for their careers I understand that.

I think it was Stoke that <Shaquille (The ‘Alpine Messi’ or ‘Magic Dwarf’) O’Neill> used to play for – so you may in fact have been watching him partnering <Slouch> of The Potters rather than <Arse-ovic> of The Hammers. The very same Slouchy, who back in his Liverpool days earned himself the chant: “He's big, he's red, his feet stick out the bed, Peter Crouch, Peter Crouch”. One of my favourite (non-Smiths) songs.

Actually, I’m now finding it difficult to picture a beanpole and dwarf side by side, so maybe they were slightly different eras at Stoke? Who knows? My mind is completely frazzled after watching many hours of <Danny King explains the Sitges chess tournament> on Twitch.

You are right though, about these idiotic players who leave their star roles at more minor clubs in order to become <bench fodder> at Man City or Liverpool. It also used to happen at Chelsea when they were filthy rich and overstocked. Many a great player has perished in his <greedy and foolish> quest for the red carpet, a supermodel wag, or a shiny new Aston Martin. Helping their more modest club become the next Leicester would have been the more noble and fulfilling pursuit.

Sadly, that last YT clip you sent was not available in Brexitland, so if the action can be linked from elsewhere on YT, I would be delighted to watch it. Honestly, I’m still not completely decided about <Andreas Pierogi>. He has good and bad games, but seems very appreciative of <SaltShaker>’s faith, so we await developments.

Check out Erling <Brute> Haaland if you’ve not yet seen him. Very nimble for a big man (6’ 4”). I particularly like how he shrugs off challenges rather than going to ground …

Good Heavens yes I "remembered" that wrong. I used to support <Stoke> as well, which started when I saw <Charlie Adams> score against <Chelsea> from inside his own half. Here it is- I watched this "live" when it happened (meaning a week later, but it was "live" to me): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJI...

Latin singer <Shakira> did indeed play in <Crouch End's> era. Crouchy almost never got on the pitch which is why you don't remember them together.

I remember the "Crouch song" though- he had one last turn of form and played himself back into the starting lineup for a brief spell. A lovely swan song especially since his neck was literally as long as a swan.

If you stick this in the <screwtube> search box the goal will come up on multiple videos: <man united vs az alkmaar highlights>.

You are going to like this it is literally a "goal of the century." Over a dozen touches, as intricate as any goal ever scored. <Perogie> was the highlight di tutti highlights in the sequence.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A90...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaB...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcJ...

<Potrzebie>

Hang on I can just send it to you on PLOP BOX. It's probably a small enough file so that I could send it on a EMU attachment which is even less hassle.

PLOP BOX is a great way to share film snippets but it's actually called "Drop Box" a fine free app. Not as fine as the goal, but close.

https://www.dropbox.com/basic

<Pont>

Ok I sent you both goals <Perogie> and <Merry Christmas Charlie Adam!> to you on email. <Perogie> didn't score the goal, though I thought the actual goal scorer dressed himself in borrowed perogies by making a Hungarian meal out of his celebration. Anyone could have scored the actual goal since it was delivered on to his instep like a laser beam, and he was stood around 12 inches from an open goal. Still, he did put it in I suppose.

I cropped them so they fit the 25mb limit.

<Precook to 450 degrees>

You should get drop box though eh? I can send you really rare crappy movies then. With the free version of drop box you can send up to 2 Gigabytes of movie.

This tutorial will explain:

Thanks for sending that .avi file - unfortunately it only gave sound and no vision. Doh!

But no matter, the second of your four links above worked fine.

It’s really strange that I couldn’t remember that flashy <Cruyff> turn. All great goals, even if the opposition wasn’t the most challenging.

Thinking back to the weekend, the <Hotspurs-Wolverines> match also had some good goals, especially the Lucas Moura effort …

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hlg...

Always a bonus if you get to chuckle at one of the comments below the video:

<“Vertonghen was about to take his top off then realised Erikson's wife wasn't there.”>

LOL. No idea what that was about. Has <Vertonghen> been doing a <John Terry>?

---

Dropbox? Well I could maybe give it a go - I'll have a look in more detail and let you know if I install it. Truth is, I'm a complete Luddite when it comes to trying new computer stuff, as I don't really know what I'm doing.

But as long as I don't have to rely on it, and it doesn't interfere with other systems, or starts flashing up adverts or anything like that, then it's probably fine. What do they get out of it? That's always the most puzzling aspect for me.

---

A classic letters page offering from VIZ:

None of these recent posts ur about Latvian Chess 'Istory!

NONE UF 'EM!

<Pringles Potato Chips>

Thank goodness I thought I was hallucinating.

I distinctly "remembered" looking forward to the <Shakira> and <Are we not Men ovic> show each week.

When I looked up <Shakira> after your comment, I saw that he had not played for the Hammers.

Imagine my relief when I remembered- in a dream no less- the truth of the matter.

<Shakira>, <Are we not Men ovic>, <Charlie Adam>, and <Crouchy> were all on STOKE CITY at the same time.

I just confirmed this on Wikipedia.

I was a fervent Stoke City supporter at that time.

On the film clips I sent, it's almost certain that your default video player cannot play an AVI file properly.

If this is the case then having Drop Box wouldn't help much.

Clip/Movie video files nowadays are usually in .mp4 or .mkv. Back in the day they were often in .wmv or .AVI

Various builds of the default microsoft windows media player "wmp" had trouble of some kind or another playing any or all of those file types.

Almost everybody watches their digital media on VLC player nowadays. Well actually for the last 15 years. It's free, installs itself, and plays virtually any media file type.

The problem with relying on youtube clips is that they are subject to geo blocking.

Not for me though because I have a VPN which will spoof an IP address from any country in the world.

It's like having a fake phone number that actually works. Nobody can ever tell what country I'm "in" at a given moment.

<The Astute Anteater>

Yes well spotted, like the notorious piebald hamster!

This is actually the <Latvian Footy Channel>.

The <Latvian Chess History Channel> is a few spins of the dial, but I can't remember in which direction.

I hope this has been of some help.

Example post (and a true story)- Vladimirs Petrovs was good enough to play on the Latvian National footy team under 21 squad. He wanted to be a professional footy player.

His school friend and footy teammate Vladimirs Berzins did in fact become a professional footballer.

<Pre-Med Degree>

There's definitely rumor aboot "Eriksen's wife" but I'm not sure how much credence there could be to it because he's not married, for one.

I read abit aboot that on some of the <Spurs Vlogs>, but I doubt there's much to it.

On <Vertongen> I like this story better- <The Special Bun> explaining how "I told Vertongen to go up in the box for the last play, and I told Sossoko to stay back and cover for him."

<The Bun> said that in the post game interview and I believe him.

<The Bun> often indulges in sudden brain storms, and sometimes they work like this one did.

I always believe <The Special Bun> because he's going to lead Spurs and all who sail in her to the <New Jerusalem>.

AND DID THOSE FEET
IN ANCIENT TIMES
WALK UPON ENGLAND'S WHITE, HART, LANE
AND WAS THE HOLY
LAMB OF THE BUN
ON TOTTENHAM'S PLEASANT PASTURES SEEN