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offramp
Member since Aug-16-03 · Last seen Oct-22-18
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<
MARK:
I’m sure you’ve run across articles about him in magazines. About how when he was a kid, he almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning huffing fumes from barbecue propane tanks, and how he was later diagnosed with having a monoamine oxidase A deficiency — what’s called a MAOA-deficiency — which made him abnormally belligerent …
WARDEN:
What made him abnormally belligerent, the deficiency or the diagnosis?
MARK:
Huh?
WARDEN:
Never mind.
MARK:
… so he was always in and out of reform schools and jails. But he developed into this incredibly ferocious player. And then the year after he won his first Ma Ling Masters, he was in a Koru’s Department Store, which is like the Bougainvillean equivalent of Sears, and he was buying a pair of maracas and the salesperson suggested that he purchase a service contract for the maracas, and Offramp very courteously declined — he’s normally a very soft-spoken, urbane person — but the clerk got increasingly aggressive about this service contract, and finally Offramp just lost it and bludgeoned him to death with the ceremonial war club he always carries around with him. So he had to leave the country and he missed two full seasons. And then when he came back, he was appearing on The Patimo Nambuka Show (which is like the Good Morning America of Bougainville), and an anaconda swallowed his mom in the green room.>

- Mark Leyner, The Tetherballs of Bougainville.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipe...

CR Wynn: "There are few mysteries on the internet. Offramp is one of them."
- Mamedyarov vs Topalov, 2017 (kibitz #11)

ColeTrane: "Offramp says a lot of garbage."
- H Mestre Bellido vs T Bakre, 2012 (kibitz #15)

Luzhin: "Offramp is writing from a secure unit where patients are well-treated by a team of dedicated professionals."
- Short vs E Blomqvist, 2017 (kibitz #12)

SirRuthless: "If you have a minute do a little research on King Leopold and his actions in the Belgian Congo. It's eye opening. Offramp chose that monster as his avatar and it was no accident. Wonderful human being this <offramp> is."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #82)

SirRuthless: "Ahh it's Albert Pike, my mistake. Sorry about that <offramp>. I'll leave my posts up as a lesson to anyone else who makes a similar mistake and a record of my error."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #88)

CARNIS AUTEM EST!

"Are you one of the frightened?"
- Boris Karloff

Voted Worst Fanirmod 10 years in a row.

Chess columnist of the <Weekly Northern Whig & Intelligencer>.

I am a noted expert on Teplitz-Schönau (1922) upon which I have written nine "Schönographs": learned disquisitions on that intriguing tournament. Available at www.lulu.com for $0.01 each.

Lead singer and guitarist of the Norwegian black metal band Dementert Freaks. Search for "I Wee-Wee On Your Jellyfish Sting."

A great passion of mine is to fire up the old Merlin GTS autogyro and take her up to about 5,500 metres. I take a laptop with me but I no longer post while airborne since one post made me laugh so hard that I crashed my gyrocopter.

I was born in Hong Kong and in 2005 I was required to complete National Service in the Chinese military. I was taught how to fly a Xian H-6 jet bomber. One of my missions was to carpet-bomb the town of Bishkek in Uzbekistan. A local chess tournament was taking place at the time and I later found out that I had killed 166 chess players which I believe to be the record.

I am an Honorary member of The Ancient and Honorable Artillery Company of Massachusetts and a Freeman of the City of Prince George, British Columbia and a Member of the Order of Skinner & PJ Proby's Horse and the Supreme Orator of the Order of the Acrimonious Virgin.

I have published an autobiography called <I BLEW A BILLION BUCKS ON BIKES BABES BARBITURATES BULLETS BOMBS AND BENONIS: <My Journey of Personal Discovery from Tunguska to Roswell Via Krakatoa and Hiroshima>>. It is available at Lulu.com for £0.01p.

I graduated from Lead City University, Hut 8, Zone B, Lagos, Nigeria with a thesis on speech act theory and moral language.

I once worked at LUSH and I have made a replica pistol out of black soap which I intend to present to Donald Trump when he visits Britain by jumping out of the crowd and handing it to him.

My philosophy is this:

Work like the ponies in coalmines.
Dance like the teardrop explodes.
Love like you're Frank in Blue Velvet.
Play chess like you're desperate to lose.

My Dad was Irish, but I am very English. In the following video I give advice on how to pronounce Flaming Nora. https://youtu.be/bVzkOK44YnE

My favourite players of all time are:
1 Frank James Marshall
2 Moshe Czerniak
3 Harry Nelson Pillsbury
4 Vladimir Simagin
5 Denis Khismatullin
6 Gustav Richard Neumann
7 Carl Theodor Goering
8 Rudolf Swiderski
9 Siegbert Tarrasch
10 Hugh Alexander Kennedy
11 Ernst Ludwig Klein.

My birthday is 29th March. I have two young children.

I am a lover of ecclesiastical architecture. I like Hawksmoor, Gibbs and Archer. In 2018 I'm hoping to visit both Santiago de Compostela and Rome. North France, as well. It is not easy because I never learned to drive a petrol vehicle, although I am trained to drive an electric train.

I spend many hours listening to Old-Time Radio (OTR). I also like pre-code comics.

>> Click here to see offramp's game collections.

Chessgames.com Full Member
   Current net-worth: 800 chessbucks
[what is this?]

   offramp has kibitzed 17512 times to chessgames   [more...]
   Oct-22-18 Jonkman vs Nijboer, 2002 (replies)
 
offramp: We all need good Nijboers.
 
   Oct-21-18 playground player chessforum
 
offramp: <playground player: I'm trying to teach a kid in Japan, on line, how to play chess. Wish me luck!> Don't touch his moustache!
 
   Oct-21-18 Tal vs Portisch, 1976 (replies)
 
offramp: <Breunor> thanks for clearing that up.
 
   Oct-21-18 Gerardo Artola Pola vs J Arnott, 2018
 
offramp: Ready Arnott, here I come! Black comes out swinging, and White gets forked.
 
   Oct-21-18 M Kobalia vs A Sarana, 2018
 
offramp: Black would get out of the pin with 44...Rf8+, then take the rook.
 
   Oct-21-18 O Barbosa vs A C Obregon, 2018
 
offramp: [DIAGRAM] White played 145. Kf8? Harsh! There was now a #3. Instead 145. Kd8 draws.
 
   Oct-21-18 D Leal vs D Howell, 2018
 
offramp: Very well played by both players, especially Leal, who was defending for a long long LONG time.
 
   Oct-21-18 A Gallego Alcaraz vs H Martirosyan, 2018
 
offramp: One of the best <very long> games I've seen.
 
   Oct-21-18 P K Wells vs Tim P Wall, 2018 (replies)
 
offramp: The pin of the ♘f7 is deadly.
 
   Oct-21-18 J R Adair vs Arkell, 2018 (replies)
 
offramp: Very well played by Keith Arkell. [DIAGRAM] 87.Ke3 might be an improvement.
 
(replies) indicates a reply to the comment.

The Sun & 13 Cantons

Kibitzer's Corner
< Earlier Kibitzing  · PAGE 52 OF 52 ·  Later Kibitzing>
Oct-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: Thankfully, <Tiggler> finally adopted a good avatar...
Oct-16-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Brett Kavanaugh writes:

<"I would like to thank Offramp for the opportunity to <judge 😂😂> this wonderful caption competition, following in the footsteps of previous judges such as the eminent Sir Richard Branson, Harvey Weinstein, Elon Musk, Morgan Freeman and Ekkapol Chantawong.

This will be my first official duty as Supreme Court Justice, and what a great one it is!

Okay, on with the show!!

Winner is Tiggler. Goodbye.">

So, many thanks to Mr Brett Kavanaugh who has chosen Tiggler's entry,

<SOPHIE MILLIET: "I prefer to play in the octagon.">

Tiggler's prize, a set of 3 wheelchair-enabled steps, is on its way.

I have sent them to the Post Office in Jackson County, Kentucky USA.

Simply approach the clerk and say in a big loud voice,

"<I am Tiggler and I want disabled steps, goddammit!>

Commiserations to all the losers.

There might be another CC next week.

Oct-16-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Brett Kavanaugh writes:

<"Not that one, the OTHER one you numbskull. Sheesh.">

Okay, so the winning caption is:

<SHORT: "You should have heard Tony Miles's missus scream when I boffed her.">

The prize is the same, and it will be sent to the same place.

Oct-17-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: User: sceptic I have done as you asked, although I am not sure if you were being serious. So I have copied it out in handwriting and stuck it on the fridge with a Jackson County magnet. That way it is not lost forever.
Oct-17-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Hear the word of the Lord:

<Moses said, "I asked Pharaoh's daughter if he had large flocks, and were they in Egypt?"

Leah said, "God gave my voice to the land, and for a long time my words were my lord's".

Then there arose a wail from a cave, and Moses took the Pharaoh's servant and his wife, and said to them at the cave,

"Behold, thou canst not interpret it: for my soul may give according to what has come to pass and when Pharaoh hardened his heart the Lord hardened and sea and covered the way."

And Moses stood in Pharaoh's presence.>

Oct-17-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: OEUFS À LA BORDELAISE SAUCE

Take some milk and sprinkle on some mutton.

Put a stick of celery stalk side up in a large cup of yolks.

Leave them for two hours. Add some pointed almonds with their skins, but not very good deal of butter the white peppers

Slip the top, and salt, and smooth them one lemon. Make some chopped celery put them in the jar.

Oct-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp:
<CAPTION COMPETITION #7>

Let's have another Caption Competition!

https://images.chesscomfiles.com/up...

Simply provide an English sentence to accompany that picture of Carlsen playing Caruana.

The guest judge is Julian Assange.

The winner will receive a set of three wheelchair-enabled steps.

Let's go!!

Oct-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: MC: do you see my name on the wall? We'll analyze right here!

FC: but they said we are supposed to go over there...

Oct-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  moronovich: MC:Would you please change your underwears before next game !
Oct-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: <offramp:
<CAPTION COMPETITION #7>

Let's have another Caption Competition!

https://images.chesscomfiles.com/up...

Simply provide an English sentence to accompany that picture of Carlsen playing Caruana.>

Provide an English sentence? Ten years in the Tower of London?

Oops, wrong kind... how about this:

MC: Isn't this the chess set I gave to Aronian on his birthday?

FC: I salvaged it from his trash bin. This must be awkward for you.

Oct-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: Caption Contest #7:

"Not that one, the OTHER one you numbskull. Sheesh."

#potatoheadsteps

Oct-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: MC: My two bladed scissors beats your one bladed scissors.

FC: No, it's a draw!

#rockscissorspotato

Oct-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Count Wedgemore: <CAPTION COMPETITION #7>

MC: "And then he tricked me, by illegally checking my king!"

FC: "But what did you expect? The guy's a Communist."

Oct-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: Very good <Count> I had that idea, most of my efforts focused on FC having done it too, but never came up with something good.
Oct-19-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Count Wedgemore: <OCF> Thanks. Yes, I am very pleased with this one. If our friend <offie> hasn't been bribed by one of the contestants (you never know), I expect to win this one handsomely now. The wheelchair-enabled steps should be mine! AND MINE ONLY.
Oct-19-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: Did you say bribed? Why didn’t I think of that? Seeing as how <Offramp> is obviously back on his feet and off the special ramp steps, he clearly needs an original pair of Michael Jordan Air Jordans. I’m talking circa 1984, here, mint condition. What’s your size?
Oct-19-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Julian Assange writes:

<The weekend starts here!

Greetings from the Uruguayan Embassy or whatever country it is.

Many thanks to <Offramp> for asking me to judge this vital competition.

The standard of entries was quite extraordinarily high, and I read them over and over and over again, forwards and backwards.

I also read them out to my beloved cat, <Michi> and he or she chose the winner by sending waves of Orgone energy through the aether to my brain.

The winner is User: Count Wedgemore.>

Many thanks to Mr Assange and his cat, Michi.

User: Count Wedgemore your three wheelchair-enabled steps will be sent to this address:

His Excellency Count Wedgemore
c/o Poste Restante
Post Office
299 Main St,
Norway,
Maine
USA 04268.

Very well done!

Oct-19-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Just t keep you up-to-date, the MAKE THE POTEMKIN STEPS WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE FUND now stands at 76 brass Stotinki (🍾76).

Many thanks to the Ukrainian Government in Exile.

Oct-19-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: <offramp> Mr. Assange sent me an email to pass on to you, per the winning entry:

"Not that one, the OTHER one you numbskull, the one by <OhioChessFan>. Sheesh."

Oct-19-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Count Wedgemore: Your email arrived too late, <OCF>. I've already picked up the package at the post office. It was sent through SuperSonic Express Delivery, so I received it about five minutes after the announcement.

The steps looked really great, but unfortunately, I managed to lose them on the bus on my way back home, silly me. Guess I just have to wait for the next Double-C (Caption Campetition). But that's life.

Oct-19-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: < offramp: Julian Assange writes:

<... The winner is User: Count Wedgemore.>>

I was robbed! Mine was clearly better. <CW> and <offramp> colluded to affect the vote! Putin must be involved!

I am appealing. I am taking this to the International Court of Internet Crimes, in The Hague. No, not that "The Hague", the other "The Hague". The one in New York! Oops, I meant "Hague".

Anyhow, <CW> you're a filthy cheat!

Also, before I forget, congratulations to <CW> - well done!

Oct-19-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: Anyway, it's good to see the Ukronian brass Stinkies fund go up.

How many Stinkies do I need for bus fair? (Or bus fare, for that matter)

Oct-19-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: Clearly my offering was the best. Also, my bribe was the best. I'm the best on the internet.
Oct-20-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <the Good Anarchist > I’ll need to know how much your bus fare normally is.
Oct-20-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I’ve always thought that chess and tennis had a lot in common. The score of 6-0 comes to mind.

Now the scoring has become even more congruent.

At Wimbledon, in the final set, a tiebreak will be played in the final set if the score reaches 12-12.

Almost exactly like chess!!

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