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offramp
Member since Aug-16-03 · Last seen Jun-25-18
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<
MARK:
I’m sure you’ve run across articles about him in magazines. About how when he was a kid, he almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning huffing fumes from barbecue propane tanks, and how he was later diagnosed with having a monoamine oxidase A deficiency — what’s called a MAOA-deficiency — which made him abnormally belligerent …
WARDEN:
What made him abnormally belligerent, the deficiency or the diagnosis?
MARK:
Huh?
WARDEN:
Never mind.
MARK:
… so he was always in and out of reform schools and jails. But he developed into this incredibly ferocious player. And then the year after he won his first Ma Ling Masters, he was in a Koru’s Department Store, which is like the Bougainvillean equivalent of Sears, and he was buying a pair of maracas and the salesperson suggested that he purchase a service contract for the maracas, and Offramp very courteously declined — he’s normally a very soft-spoken, urbane person — but the clerk got increasingly aggressive about this service contract, and finally Offramp just lost it and bludgeoned him to death with the ceremonial war club he always carries around with him. So he had to leave the country and he missed two full seasons. And then when he came back, he was appearing on The Patimo Nambuka Show (which is like the Good Morning America of Bougainville), and an anaconda swallowed his mom in the green room.>

- Mark Leyner, The Tetherballs of Bougainville.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipe...

CR Wynn: "There are few mysteries on the internet. Offramp is one of them."
- Mamedyarov vs Topalov, 2017 (kibitz #11)

ColeTrane: "Offramp says a lot of garbage."
- H Mestre Bellido vs T Bakre, 2012 (kibitz #15)

Luzhin: "Offramp is writing from a secure unit where patients are well-treated by a team of dedicated professionals."
- Short vs E Blomqvist, 2017 (kibitz #12)

SirRuthless: "If you have a minute do a little research on King Leopold and his actions in the Belgian Congo. It's eye opening. Offramp chose that monster as his avatar and it was no accident. Wonderful human being this <offramp> is."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #82)

SirRuthless: "Ahh it's Albert Pike, my mistake. Sorry about that <offramp>. I'll leave my posts up as a lesson to anyone else who makes a similar mistake and a record of my error."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #88)

CARNIS AUTEM EST!

"Are you one of the frightened?"
- Boris Karloff

Voted Worst Fanirmod 10 years in a row.

Chess columnist of the <Weekly Northern Whig & Intelligencer>.

I am a noted expert on Teplitz-Schönau (1922) upon which I have written nine "Schönographs": learned disquisitions on that intriguing tournament. Available at www.lulu.com for $0.01 each.

Lead singer and guitarist of the Norwegian black metal band Dementert Freaks. Search for "I Wee-Wee On Your Jellyfish Sting."

A great passion of mine is to fire up the old Merlin GTS autogyro and take her up to about 5,500 metres. I take a laptop with me but I no longer post while airborne since one post made me laugh so hard that I crashed my gyrocopter.

I was born in Hong Kong and in 2005 I was required to complete National Service in the Chinese military. I was taught how to fly a Xian H-6 jet bomber. One of my missions was to carpet-bomb the town of Bishkek in Uzbekistan. A local chess tournament was taking place at the time and I later found out that I had killed 166 chess players which I believe to be the record.

I am an Honorary member of The Ancient and Honorable Artillery Company of Massachusetts and a Freeman of the City of Prince George, British Columbia and a Member of the Order of Skinner & PJ Proby's Horse and the Supreme Orator of the Order of the Acrimonious Virgin.

I have published an autobiography called <I BLEW A BILLION BUCKS ON BIKES BABES BARBITURATES BULLETS BOMBS AND BENONIS: <My Journey of Personal Discovery from Tunguska to Roswell Via Krakatoa and Hiroshima>>. It is available at Lulu.com for £0.01p.

I graduated from Lead City University, Hut 8, Zone B, Lagos, Nigeria with a thesis on speech act theory and moral language.

I once worked at LUSH and I have made a replica pistol out of black soap which I intend to present to Donald Trump when he visits Britain by jumping out of the crowd and handing it to him.

My philosophy is this:

Work like the ponies in coalmines.
Dance like the teardrop explodes.
Love like you're Frank in Blue Velvet.
Play chess like you're desperate to lose.

My Dad was Irish, but I am very English. In the following video I give advice on how to pronounce Flaming Nora. https://youtu.be/bVzkOK44YnE

My favourite players of all time are:
1 Frank James Marshall
2 Moshe Czerniak
3 Harry Nelson Pillsbury
4 Vladimir Simagin
5 Denis Khismatullin
6 Gustav Richard Neumann
7 Carl Theodor Goering
8 Rudolf Swiderski
9 Siegbert Tarrasch
10 Hugh Alexander Kennedy
11 Ernst Ludwig Klein.

My birthday is 29th March. I have two young children.

I am a lover of ecclesiastical architecture. I like Hawksmoor, Gibbs and Archer. In 2018 I'm hoping to visit both Santiago de Compostela and Rome. North France, as well. It is not easy because I never learned to drive a petrol vehicle, although I am trained to drive an electric train.

I spend many hours listening to Old-Time Radio (OTR). I also like pre-code comics.

>> Click here to see offramp's game collections.

Chessgames.com Full Member
   Current net-worth: 900 chessbucks
[what is this?]

   offramp has kibitzed 16944 times to chessgames   [more...]
   Jun-25-18 Sally Simpson chessforum
 
offramp: Congratulations, Geoff! Your prize awaits! offramp chessforum (kibitz #1016) .
 
   Jun-25-18 offramp chessforum
 
offramp: So well done, Geoff, User: Sally Simpson . Your wheelchair-enabled step has been sent to Mr G Chandler c/o Poste Restante, Pier Rd, Gairloch IV21 2BQ. Please collect it within one month or it will be returned to the sender's address: "The Republican Order for the Emancipation
 
   Jun-25-18 chessgames.com chessforum
 
offramp: The choices for Stockfish position analysis are currently 6 & 15 seconds and 1, 6, 15, 25 and 60 minutes. I think that is a bit top-heavy. I would suggest 6, 15, 30 seconds and 1, 6, 15 & 30 minutes.
 
   Jun-24-18 Pelletier vs C McNab, 2012 (replies)
 
offramp: Black played like M. N. Tal.
 
   Jun-23-18 Daniel Harrwitz (replies)
 
offramp: <zanzibar>, Russel Crowe was bashing out espressos at a fake Starbucks when we had this dreadful conversation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrO... He can be such a git!
 
   Jun-22-18 Fruit vs Ant, 2006
 
offramp: A rare win for the fruit versus the ant.
 
   Jun-21-18 Svidler vs Grischuk, 2013 (replies)
 
offramp: Some chess games remind me of this great quote from the film Casino: <No matter how big a guy might be, Nicky would take him on. You beat Nicky with fists, he comes back with a bat. You beat him with a knife, he comes back with a gun. And you beat him with a gun, you better kill ...
 
   Jun-19-18 Biographer Bistro (replies)
 
offramp: <crawfb5: <z> Winter cites Egerton Smith in the <Liverpool Mercury> (1813)...> Wow, that is really early era chess. Even before those neolithic McDonnell-La Bourdonnais games in 1834.
 
   Jun-19-18 Robson vs V Bhat, 2009 (replies)
 
offramp: It's a pun on "Put the blame on Mame."
 
   Jun-18-18 Sergei Movsesian (replies)
 
offramp: Mushegovic is also the website of the Icelandic Government's Musical Hermitage.
 
(replies) indicates a reply to the comment.

The Sun & 13 Cantons

Kibitzer's Corner
< Earlier Kibitzing  · PAGE 41 OF 41 ·  Later Kibitzing>
Jun-05-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: <A chess player named Ernst Falkbeer,...>

<Always kept a spare clock near...>

<So at any point of day...>

With a sweet lass he could play...

Jun-05-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: As a final line came to mind, I am reminded of a surely apocryphal story about a newspaper that ran a limerick contest. When the editor was asked how they picked the winner, he answered, "Well, we threw out all the profane and X-rated entries, and the one that was left was the winner."
Jun-05-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: And to whom he would eat, drink and talk beer.
Jun-05-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp:
A chess player named Ernst Falkbeer
Always kept a spare clock near.
So at any point of day.
With a sweet lass he could play
And with whom he could eat, drink and talk beer.

This limerick has registered only 4.5 on the <Internet Huskisson Sliding Limerick Appraisal Index (IHSLAI).>

Jun-05-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: A Countergambit, front and rear.
Jun-05-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  technical draw: I just saw your list of favorite players <offramp>. I must have wasted 50 years of my life because I can only recognize 5 out of the 12 you listed. I'll check them out though.
Jun-05-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Count Wedgemore: <A Countergambit, front and rear.>

Is not for those who play with fear..

Jun-05-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: <OhioChessFan: As a final line came to mind, I am reminded of a surely apocryphal story about a newspaper that ran a limerick contest. When the editor was asked how they picked the winner, he answered, "Well, we threw out all the profane and X-rated entries, and the one that was left was the winner.">

That at least sounds like it *should* be true.

<offramp:

A chess player named Ernst Falkbeer
Always kept a spare clock near.
So at any point of day.
With a sweet lass he could play
And with whom he could eat, drink and talk beer.>

<<>This limerick has registered only 4.5 on the <Internet Huskisson Sliding Limerick Appraisal Index (IHSLAI).>>

Ah, in steps the master, to finish the limerick without having to reject profane and x-rated entries.

Clever fellow, that <offramp>

Jun-07-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Count Wedgemore: Dear <offramp>. <tga> and I are wondering if the maximum score on your (slightly) controversial <Internet Huskisson Sliding Limerick Appraisal Index (abbreviated IHSLAI) is 5 points? Because that would explain the 4.5 rating our well crafted limerick received. Inquiring minds want to know..

And why hasn't anyone picked up on <OCF>'s opening line for a new limerick, except for me, who provided a 2nd line? Come on, guys!

Jun-08-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I didn't realise what it was!

<<A Countergambit, front and rear,>
Is not for those who play with fear,>

Because if you hear voices...

Jun-08-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: Wow, I admire <Count> for taking what was supposed to be an alternate last line for our group limerick and instead using it as a springboard for a new one.
Jun-08-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: I thought movie and limerick ratings were based on 5 stars, so 4.5 is very good.
Jun-08-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I think that my <chessgames.com> MAN OR WOMAN OR WHATEVER OF THE YEAR is going to be OhioChessFan.

He is bowling 300 at the moment with his pun submissions, and he adds a huge amount to this site all around.

The very best of luck and health to the geezer!

Jun-10-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Count Wedgemore: <offramp> I second that opinion. And, like you, he's got a great sense of humor!
Jun-12-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  Count Wedgemore: No more takers on our new limerick? I think I'm gonna just finish it off and be done with it:

A Countergambit, front and rear.
It's not for those who play with fear.
Because if you hear voices...
Or unexplainable noises...
The ghost of Albin will appear.

What will the verdict be? How high can this go on the <Internet Huskisson Sliding Limerick Appraisal Index> scale? I'll wait in excitement..

Jun-17-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Stephen Leacock » Nonsense Novels » VI. -- Sorrows of a Super Soul: or, The Memoirs of Marie Mushenough.

First, Alexis seized Otto by the waistband of his trousers and swung him round and round in the air. I could see Otto's face as he went round: the same mute courage was written on it as when he turned to run. Alexis swung Otto round and round until his waistband broke, and he was thrown into the grass.

That was the first part of the fight.

Then Alexis stood beside Otto and kicked him from behind as he lay in the grass, and they fought like that for some time. That was the second part of the fight. Then came the third and last part. Alexis picked up the easel and smashed the picture over Otto's head. It fastened itself like a collar about his neck. Then Alexis picked Otto up with the picture round his neck and threw him into the stream.

He floated!

My paladin!

He floated!

I could see his upturned face as he floated onwards down the stream, through the meadow! It was full of deep resignation.

Then Alexis Alexovitch came to me and gathered me up in his arms and carried me thus across the meadow - he is so tall and strong - and whispered that he loved me, and that tomorrow he would shield me from the world. He carried me thus to the house in his arms among the grass and flowers; and there was my father, Ivan Ivanovitch, and my mother, Katoosha Katooshavitch. And tomorrow I am to marry Alexis. He had brought back from the inn my jewels and my money, and he gave me again the diamond clasp that Otto had taken from my waist.

How can I bear it? Alexis is to take me to St Petersburg, and he has bought a beautiful house in the Prospekt, and I am to live in it with him, and we are to be rich, and I am to be presented at the Court of Nicholas Romanoff and his wife. Ah! Is it not dreadful?

<And I can only think of Otto floating down the stream with the easel about his neck. From the little river he will float into the Dnieper, and from the Dnieper into the Bug, and from the Bug he will float down the Volga, and from the Volga into the Caspian Sea. And from the Caspian Sea there is no outlet, and Otto will float round and round it for ever.>

Is it not dreadful?

- Stephen Leacock » Nonsense Novels » VI.Sorrows of a Super Soul: or, The Memoirs of Marie Mushenough.

Jun-17-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I think England plays at the soccerball tomorrow.

I am certain that England will score no more than 4 goals in this entire World Cup, so I am hoping they will score none tomorrow, so that the 4 goals can be spread out among the next games.

THAT might see them through to the next round.

Jun-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: 🃑 Ace of clubs.
Jun-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: CAPTION COMPETITION!!

Now that that stupid Team White v Team Black has finished I think we should have another stuopid Caption Competion.

CAPTION COMPETITION #3.
http://www.mobygames.com/images/cov...

yOU MUST PROVIDE AN URBANE, WITTY, not caps-lock-on punchline to that picture in six thousand words or less.

Any entries which seem like threats to murder or have sex with other members of chessgames.com will be excluded from the judging.

The guest judge is Morgan Freeman.

The winner will receive a single wheelchair-enabled step. This will build week-by-week into a complete set of wheelchair-enabled steps AND if you reply within the next two and a half weeks, you may be eligible for 1% off off my autobiography (see my profile).

ALSO, every time you include the hashtag #potemkin, the Ukrainian government-in-exile will donate one brass kopek towards my campaign to make the Primorsky Stairs (aka the Potemkin Steps) fully wheelchair accessible.

So have a punt. Winners will be announced at 5am on 25th June 2018.

Jun-18-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: "Responding to repeated appeals to monitor the Rogoff page, Daniel Freeman made the mistake of actually reading it..."
Jun-20-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Some other entries, made separately:

User: Sally Simpson:
<He liked to avoid contact with the press and the photographers.>

User: ChessHigherCat:
<It looks completely photoshopped! It reminds me of the album cover of Sergeant Pepper, Caruana looks like a white-bearded midget transvestite.>

User: WorstPlayerEver:
<For trolling purposes only.>

Jun-22-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp:
User: zanzibar:
<"Waiter, look about for a move! Mr. Staunton has lost it.">
Jun-22-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp:
<Signs of Trouble

A common structural flaw in college essays is the "walk-through" (also labelled "summary" or "description"). Walk-through essays follow the structure of their sources rather than establishing their own. Such essays generally have a descriptive thesis rather than an argumentative one ( - I'm not sure, but perhaps you are in disagreement with this assertion - ). Be wary of paragraph openers that lead off with "time" words ("first," "next," "after," "then") or "listing" words ("also," "another," "in addition"). Although they don't always signal trouble, these paragraph openers often indicate that an essay's thesis and structure need work: they suggest that the essay simply reproduces the chronology of the source text (in the case of time words: first this happens, then that, and afterwards another thing...) or simply lists example after example ("In addition, the use of colour indicates another way that the painting differentiates between good and evil").>

From "Harvard College Writing Center."

Jun-25-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <offramp:
CAPTION COMPETITION #3.
http://www.mobygames.com/images/cov...
Any entries which seem like threats to murder or have sex with other members of chessgames.com will be excluded from the judging.

The guest judge is Morgan Freeman. >

Morgan Freeman writes:

<<[In Morgan Freeman voice]> I was very honored to be asked to judge this historic caption competition. I know chess and I played chess with Tim Whatsisname on set of that film the Seersucker Rhododendron. But I didn't have sex with him.

In that respect Mr Offramp informs me that about a dozen entries had to be deleted owing to the sex/cannibalism thing that he mentioned. A pity really.

C'est la vie, say the old folk!

I read through all those entries and I had a very good laugh! This week's winner is User: Sally Simpson with this wonderful effort:

<Olga does this a few times, there is bug in there somewhere.>

Thanks to all who took part!>

Offramp writes:
<And thank you for being the judge, Daniel. There will be another CC soon, so keep an eye open.>

END TRANDMISSION

Jun-25-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: So well done, Geoff, User: Sally Simpson.

Your wheelchair-enabled step has been sent to
Mr G Chandler
c/o Poste Restante,
Pier Rd,
Gairloch
IV21 2BQ.

Please collect it within one month or it will be returned to the sender's address:
"The Republican Order for the Emancipation of Disabled Catholics",
c/o St Mary's Church
Abercrombie St
Glasgow G40.

Congratulations!

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