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offramp
Member since Aug-16-03 · Last seen Apr-20-18
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<
MARK:
I’m sure you’ve run across articles about him in magazines. About how when he was a kid, he almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning huffing fumes from barbecue propane tanks, and how he was later diagnosed with having a monoamine oxidase A deficiency — what’s called a MAOA-deficiency — which made him abnormally belligerent …
WARDEN:
What made him abnormally belligerent, the deficiency or the diagnosis?
MARK:
Huh?
WARDEN:
Never mind.
MARK:
… so he was always in and out of reform schools and jails. But he developed into this incredibly ferocious player. And then the year after he won his first Ma Ling Masters, he was in a Koru’s Department Store, which is like the Bougainvillean equivalent of Sears, and he was buying a pair of maracas and the salesperson suggested that he purchase a service contract for the maracas, and Offramp very courteously declined — he’s normally a very soft-spoken, urbane person — but the clerk got increasingly aggressive about this service contract, and finally Offramp just lost it and bludgeoned him to death with the ceremonial war club he always carries around with him. So he had to leave the country and he missed two full seasons. And then when he came back, he was appearing on The Patimo Nambuka Show (which is like the Good Morning America of Bougainville), and an anaconda swallowed his mom in the green room.>

- Mark Leyner, The Tetherballs of Bougainville.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipe...

CR Wynn: "There are few mysteries on the internet. Offramp is one of them."
- Mamedyarov vs Topalov, 2017 (kibitz #11)

ColeTrane: "Offramp says a lot of garbage."
- H Mestre Bellido vs T Bakre, 2012 (kibitz #15)

Luzhin: "Offramp is writing from a secure unit where patients are well-treated by a team of dedicated professionals."
- Short vs E Blomqvist, 2017 (kibitz #12)

SirRuthless: "If you have a minute do a little research on King Leopold and his actions in the Belgian Congo. It's eye opening. Offramp chose that monster as his avatar and it was no accident. Wonderful human being this <offramp> is."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #82)

SirRuthless: "Ahh it's Albert Pike, my mistake. Sorry about that <offramp>. I'll leave my posts up as a lesson to anyone else who makes a similar mistake and a record of my error."
- Altibox Norway (2017) (kibitz #88)

CARNIS AUTEM EST!

"Are you one of the frightened?"
- Boris Karloff

Voted Worst Fanirmod 10 years in a row.

I am a noted expert on Teplitz-Schönau (1922) upon which I have written nine "Schönographs": learned disquisitions on that intriguing tournament. Available at www.lulu.com for $0.01 each.

Lead singer and guitarist of the Norwegian black metal band Dementert Freaks. Search for "I Piss On Your Jellyfish Sting."

A great passion of mine is to fire up the old Merlin GTS autogyro and take her up to about 5,500 metres. I take a laptop with me but I no longer post while airborne since one post made me laugh so hard that I crashed my gyrocopter.

I was born in Hong Kong and in 2005 I was required to complete National Service in the Chinese military. I was taught how to fly a Xian H-6 jet bomber. One of my missions was to carpet-bomb the town of Bishkek in Uzbekistan. A local chess tournament was taking place at the time and I later found out that I had killed 166 chess players which I believe to be the record.

I am an Honorary member of The Ancient and Honorable Artillery Company of Massachusetts and a Freeman of the City of Prince George, British Columbia and a Member of the Order of Skinner & PJ Proby's Horse and the Supreme Orator of the Order of the Acrimonious Virgin.

I have published an autobiography called <I BLEW A BILLION BUCKS ON BIKES BABES BARBITURATES BULLETS BOMBS AND BENONIS: <My Journey of Personal Discovery from Tunguska to Roswell Via Krakatoa and Hiroshima>>. It is available at Lulu.com for £0.01p.

I graduated from Lead City University, Hut 8, Zone B, Lagos, Nigeria with a thesis on speech act theory and moral language.

I once worked at LUSH and I have made a replica pistol out of black soap which I intend to present to Donald Trump when he visits Britain by jumping out of the crowd and handing it to him.

My philosophy is this:

Work like the ponies in coalmines.
Dance like the teardrop explodes.
Love like you're Frank in Blue Velvet.
Play chess like you're desperate to lose.

My Dad was Irish, but I am very English. In the following video I give advice on how to pronounce Flaming Nora. https://youtu.be/bVzkOK44YnE

My favourite players of all time are:
1 Frank James Marshall
2 Moshe Czerniak
3 Harry Nelson Pillsbury
4 Vladimir Simagin
5 Denis Khismatullin
6 Gustav Richard Neumann
7 Carl Theodor Goering
8 Rudolf Swiderski
9 Siegbert Tarrasch
10 Hugh Alexander Kennedy
11 Ernst Ludwig Klein.

My birthday is 29th March. I have two young children.

I am a lover of ecclesiastical architecture. I like Hawksmoor, Gibbs and Archer. In 2017 I'm hoping to visit both Santiago de Compostela and Rome. North France, as well. It is not easy because I never learned to drive a petrol vehicle, although I am trained to drive an electric train.

I spend many hours listening to Old-Time Radio (OTR). I also like pre-code comics.

>> Click here to see offramp's game collections.

Chessgames.com Full Member
   Current net-worth: 938 chessbucks
[what is this?]

   offramp has kibitzed 16543 times to chessgames   [more...]
   Apr-20-18 V Chuchelov vs Eljanov, 2008 (replies)
 
offramp: I didn't get this one at all. I believe this is called a wish-fulfilment problem. White wants to get rid of the pin on his rook and keeps looking until he finds a way to do it.
 
   Apr-20-18 Carlsen vs Navara, 2018 (replies)
 
offramp: Carlsen's idea is to make a passed pawn with a4, b5. Then swap off all the rooks, then Black will give up his knight for the passed queenside pawn, and then Carlsen's bishop is the right colour to promote on of the two KRPs. Easy.
 
   Apr-20-18 Gheorghiu vs Karpov, 1982
 
offramp: 48.Nxb3. [DIAGRAM] This position made me think of Alekhine vs Capablanca, 1927 34.Nb3. [DIAGRAM]
 
   Apr-20-18 offramp chessforum
 
offramp: Hjartarson vs Karpov, 1986 <...This is the penalty for making comments such as <"No comments yet?"> and <"FIRST!!!"> at chessgames.com.> There is a third type of comment that gets on my nerves: the massively sarcastic comment at a quick draw, such as: ...
 
   Apr-20-18 OhioChessFan chessforum (replies)
 
offramp: Round 2: Radjabov - Mamedov 1/2 42 Carlsen - Navara 1-0 66 Wojtaszek - Mamedyarov 0-1 51 Karjakin - Ding 1/2 35 Topalov - Giri 0-1 38
 
   Apr-20-18 Golden Executive chessforum (replies)
 
offramp: Round 2: Radjabov - Mamedov 1/2 Carlsen - Navara 1-0 Wojtaszek - Mamedyarov 0-1 Karjakin - Ding 1/2 Topalov - Giri 0-1
 
   Apr-19-18 Hjartarson vs Karpov, 1986
 
offramp: <tonsillolith: Here we can see the historical value of Chessgames. By reading these comments, we can see that a little over 9 years ago, Woody Wood Pusher came across a nice game, and keypusher was having a rotten day and decided to take it out on Woody Wood Pusher.> I am with
 
   Apr-19-18 Ding Liren vs R Wojtaszek, 2018 (replies)
 
offramp: C7 is off limits, but there are 63 other squares to have a go at.
 
   Apr-19-18 Gashimov Memorial (2018) (replies)
 
offramp: <Penguincw: First time in a while there's a major International tournament, and Caruana's not participating in it.> With all these draws... I wish he was.
 
   Apr-19-18 Team White vs Team Black, 2017 (replies)
(replies) indicates a reply to the comment.

English Chess Speaking

Kibitzer's Corner
< Earlier Kibitzing  · PAGE 37 OF 37 ·  Later Kibitzing>
Mar-09-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  thegoodanarchist: What do you call it when dates with a crispy sugar coating can flip a piece of candy?

Candied dates turn a mint.

Mar-09-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: What do you call rowing teams that always tell the truth?

Candid eights.

Mar-11-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: <offramp> What is the name of the person who knows all events going forward?

ans:

*****

Mar-17-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: <offramp> Master offramp, I see you are as active and witty as ever! I hope all is well, and I mean that most sincerely
Mar-20-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Caruana vs Ding Liren, 2018 (kibitz #301)
Mar-21-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: World Championship Candidates (2018) (kibitz #1939)
Mar-23-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Has there ever been a film with Ernest Borgnine, Martin Balsam and Lionel Stander? They could have played triplets.
Mar-23-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: ...And Joe E Ross. Quadruplets.
Mar-28-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: ...And Edward G. Robinson. Quintuplets
Mar-28-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I cannot watch this Fischer video, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS0... , it is banned in the UK. It is called, <Bobby Fischer's "Notes on the Jew"> and is probably pretty horrible. Can anyone here view it?
Mar-29-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: <offramp> I viewed it and it is pretty horrible. Its a rambling denunciation of the jews (strange, the verb is spelled denounce, but the noun drops the 'o': denunciation)

*****

Mar-29-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Thanks, Morf. Since I knew it was banned in the U.K. I guessed it was bloody awful.

But how old is Fischer in the video? Is he young?

Mar-29-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  WinKing: Hi <offramp>,

<<>Grenke Chess Classic 2018<>>

Less than 2 days to go!

Countdown to Grenke 2018:

https://www.timeanddate.com/countdo...

♘Baden♘Grenke Chess Classic2018♗Baden♗

http://www.grenkechessclassic.de/en/

This tournament will run from Mar. 31st thru Apr. 9th 2018. (9 Rounds)

Participants include: Carlsen, Aronian, Caruana, Vachier-Lagrave, Anand, Vitiugov, Naiditsch, Hou Yifan, Meier & Bluebaum.

Average rating: 2736 (as of 3/28/18) - Category XX

*****
*****

<<>Grenke Chess Classic 2018<>>

Schedule -

Round 1 is Saturday March 31st & it starts @ 15:00hrs(3pm) Baden-Baden time(9am chessgames time). All games for the 9 rounds are @ 15:00 hrs.

<***The only Prediction game that has confirmed they will be up & running is <Golden Executive>'s 'The Game Prediction Contest'. This may change though so stay tuned.***>

< 3 Prediction Contests: (Win virtual medals - Gold, Silver & Bronze) >

*** User: lostemperor (FINAL STANDINGS PREDICTIONS) - Predict the order the players will finish. Run & hosted by <lostemperor>. (3 categories to medal in) ***

**User: Golden Executive - (The Game Prediction Contest) - Predict the result 1-0, 1/2, or 0-1. Run & hosted by <Golden Executive>. (3 categories to medal in)

This year will be the 11th Anniversary for this contest! (from 2007 to 2018 - 11 years running)**

*User: OhioChessFan (Moves Prediction Contest) - Predict the result 1-0, 1/2, or 0-1 & the number of moves. (4 categories to medal in). This contest is run by <chessmoron> & hosted by <OhioChessFan>.*

*****
*****

Also, don't forget about <chessgames> ChessBookie game for this event. She can't wait to take some or all of your chessbucks. ;)

ChessBookie Game

Don't miss out on the fun for this Super Event!!!

*****

Mar-29-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp:


click for larger view

That's the Reti study. One move before that was


click for larger view

At some point White's king went to h8, possibly to take a rook, because it <did not> take the pawn on h6.

Mar-30-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: <offramp> First, the "video" is only an audio recording: It comes from an interview Fischer gave to Philippino grandmaster Eugenio Torre, while he was locked in jail in Japan as a political prisoner in 2005.

So, this was just prior to his relocation to Iceland when he was 60-61 years old. He was dead within 3 years

*****

Mar-31-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Thanks, Morf. I don't think I've missed much. I heard one of the radio interviews years ago and it made me cry, almost.

THE ONLY GOOD THING is that these things prove that Fischer was mentally unstable for a large part of his life. So it wasn't really his fault.

Mar-31-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: <offramp> I'm surprised something like this is banned in the UK. Makes me a bit worried about censorship in the US going forward.
Apr-01-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I was watching Philander bowl to Paine. There was a review so we got to see his front foot. The back of his left heel was easily six inches inside the crease, so there was no chance of a no-ball. I think that every fast bowler should do that. Surely the gain of seven or so inches, over 20 yards, is negligible compared to the effect of taking a wicket and finding out it was a no ball.
Apr-01-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: offramp chessforum (kibitz #886)

<MARCH 2018
In the land of SOD a riotous election.
A Sikh and a Muslim both fight for selection.>

This probably refers to
https://ipolitics.ca/2018/03/14/ndp...
<NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh says he condemns all acts of terrorism no matter who is responsible.

In a statement posted to the NDP website, Singh is defending his decision to attend a June 2015 rally in California — an event billed as a commemoration to the 10,000 Sikhs who died during an invasion of the Golden Temple in 1984, but which also became a show of support for Sikh separatism...>

Apr-01-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  morfishine: At least going forward there is no problem with football, golf, cricket, rugby, fox chasing, cod catching & aerial acrobats. I would hate to see those be censored

Heaven forbid they begin to regulate the Supermarine Spitfire

Hopefully, the Hawker Hurricane is entirely off limits

*****

Apr-02-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp:
"Wi' a fa'll dae it this time
Fa'll dae it noo?
The yin that did it last time
Canna dae it noo."

From the wonderful song The Ball of Kirreimuir.

Apr-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: A man dies and is being led through a long corridor in heaven that is full of clocks.

"What are all the clocks for," he asks.

"This corridor is for chess players. Every time they make a mistake the hands of the clock advance one minute."

"Really? Where is my clock?"

"Your clock is with the LORD. He uses it as a fan."
😆

Apr-15-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  WinKing: Hi offramp,

<<>Gashimov Memorial 2018<>>

3½ days to go!

Countdown to Gashimov 2018:

https://www.timeanddate.com/countdo...

♘SHAMKIR♘Gashimov Memorial 2018♗SHAMKIR♗

http://shamkirchess.com/

This tournament will run from Apr. 19th thru Apr. 28th 2018. (9 Rounds)

Participants include: Carlsen, Mamedyarov, Karjakin, Ding Liren, Giri, Topalov, Radjabov, Wojtaszek, Navara & Mamedov

Average rating: 2767 (as of 4/10/18) - Category XXI

*****
*****

<<>Gashimov Memorial 2018<>>

Schedule - http://shamkirchess.com/content/207

Round 1 is Thursday April 19th & it starts @ 15:00hrs(3pm) Shamkir, Azerbaijan time(7am chessgames time). All rounds begin @ 15:00 hrs. except for the 9th round which begins one hour earlier @ 14:00 hrs(2pm).

< 3 Prediction Contests: (Win virtual medals - Gold, Silver & Bronze) >

User: lostemperor (FINAL STANDINGS PREDICTIONS) - Predict the order the players will finish. Run & hosted by <lostemperor>. (3 categories to medal in)

User: Golden Executive - (The Game Prediction Contest) - Predict the result 1-0, 1/2, or 0-1. Run & hosted by <Golden Executive>. (3 categories to medal in) This year will be the 11th Anniversary for this contest! (from 2007 to 2018 - 11 years running)

User: OhioChessFan (Moves Prediction Contest) - Predict the result 1-0, 1/2, or 0-1 & the number of moves. (4 categories to medal in). This contest is run by <chessmoron> & hosted by <OhioChessFan>.

*****
*****

Also, don't forget about <chessgames> ChessBookie game for this event. He can't wait to take some or all of your chessbucks. ;)

ChessBookie Game

Don't miss out on the fun for this Super Event!!!

*****

Apr-17-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: A famous old Azerbaijani Recipe.

OEUFS GALLIMAUFRAY A LA SHAMKIR

Take one raw egg, or, (for vegans) a pint of milk.

Add two fried eggs and sprinkle with salt.

Add to the yolk a good white stock or chopped parsley, or pepper, and braise them (this is called Miroton le chat).

Add sugar until they smell very sweet. Add a teaspoonful of water to your mixture, and some chopped parsley and mint.

Add four more yolks. Then add some mushrooms and salt.

Then add another egg and add some very fresh cream to flavour it.

Next, cover with salt, and add a little border to your eggs.

Take the whites and add a small quantity of half-boiled cold water, and add in a dessert-spoonful of sugar.

To the eggs, add pepper, salt and water. Let them boil for eighteen minutes.

Then an extra five minutes with potatoes in a dark place.

Serve with beans.

Apr-20-18
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Hjartarson vs Karpov, 1986

<...This is the penalty for making comments such as <"No comments yet?"> and <"FIRST!!!"> at chessgames.com.>

There is a third type of comment that gets on my nerves: the massively sarcastic comment at a quick draw, such as:
<Kramnik's jaw hit the ground the first time he saw this [11-move draw]. He loved it so much he decided to base his career around it.>

Presumably if these people are at work, and their boss tells them to go home four hours early on full pay, they respond:
<"NO! I will work my full eight hours no matter what you say or whatever happens!">

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