<Always kept a spare clock near...>

<So at any point of day...>

That at least sounds like it *should* be true.

<offramp:

A chess player named Ernst Falkbeer
Always kept a spare clock near.
So at any point of day.
With a sweet lass he could play
And with whom he could eat, drink and talk beer.>

<<>This limerick has registered only 4.5 on the <Internet Huskisson Sliding Limerick Appraisal Index (IHSLAI).>>

Ah, in steps the master, to finish the limerick without having to reject profane and x-rated entries.

<<A Countergambit, front and rear,>
Is not for those who play with fear,>

He is bowling 300 at the moment with his pun submissions, and he adds a huge amount to this site all around.

A Countergambit, front and rear.
It's not for those who play with fear.
Because if you hear voices...
Or unexplainable noises...
The ghost of Albin will appear.

First, Alexis seized Otto by the waistband of his trousers and swung him round and round in the air. I could see Otto's face as he went round: the same mute courage was written on it as when he turned to run. Alexis swung Otto round and round until his waistband broke, and he was thrown into the grass.

That was the first part of the fight.

Then Alexis stood beside Otto and kicked him from behind as he lay in the grass, and they fought like that for some time. That was the second part of the fight. Then came the third and last part. Alexis picked up the easel and smashed the picture over Otto's head. It fastened itself like a collar about his neck. Then Alexis picked Otto up with the picture round his neck and threw him into the stream.

He floated!

My paladin!

He floated!

I could see his upturned face as he floated onwards down the stream, through the meadow! It was full of deep resignation.

Then Alexis Alexovitch came to me and gathered me up in his arms and carried me thus across the meadow - he is so tall and strong - and whispered that he loved me, and that tomorrow he would shield me from the world. He carried me thus to the house in his arms among the grass and flowers; and there was my father, Ivan Ivanovitch, and my mother, Katoosha Katooshavitch. And tomorrow I am to marry Alexis. He had brought back from the inn my jewels and my money, and he gave me again the diamond clasp that Otto had taken from my waist.

How can I bear it? Alexis is to take me to St Petersburg, and he has bought a beautiful house in the Prospekt, and I am to live in it with him, and we are to be rich, and I am to be presented at the Court of Nicholas Romanoff and his wife. Ah! Is it not dreadful?

<And I can only think of Otto floating down the stream with the easel about his neck. From the little river he will float into the Dnieper, and from the Dnieper into the Bug, and from the Bug he will float down the Volga, and from the Volga into the Caspian Sea. And from the Caspian Sea there is no outlet, and Otto will float round and round it for ever.>

Is it not dreadful?

I am certain that England will score no more than 4 goals in this entire World Cup, so I am hoping they will score none tomorrow, so that the 4 goals can be spread out among the next games.

Now that that stupid Team White v Team Black has finished I think we should have another stuopid Caption Competion.

CAPTION COMPETITION #3.
http://www.mobygames.com/images/cov...

yOU MUST PROVIDE AN URBANE, WITTY, not caps-lock-on punchline to that picture in six thousand words or less.

Any entries which seem like threats to murder or have sex with other members of chessgames.com will be excluded from the judging.

The guest judge is Morgan Freeman.

The winner will receive a single wheelchair-enabled step. This will build week-by-week into a complete set of wheelchair-enabled steps AND if you reply within the next two and a half weeks, you may be eligible for 1% off off my autobiography (see my profile).

ALSO, every time you include the hashtag #potemkin, the Ukrainian government-in-exile will donate one brass kopek towards my campaign to make the Primorsky Stairs (aka the Potemkin Steps) fully wheelchair accessible.

User: Sally Simpson:
<He liked to avoid contact with the press and the photographers.>

User: ChessHigherCat:
<It looks completely photoshopped! It reminds me of the album cover of Sergeant Pepper, Caruana looks like a white-bearded midget transvestite.>

A common structural flaw in college essays is the "walk-through" (also labelled "summary" or "description"). Walk-through essays follow the structure of their sources rather than establishing their own. Such essays generally have a descriptive thesis rather than an argumentative one ( - I'm not sure, but perhaps you are in disagreement with this assertion - ). Be wary of paragraph openers that lead off with "time" words ("first," "next," "after," "then") or "listing" words ("also," "another," "in addition"). Although they don't always signal trouble, these paragraph openers often indicate that an essay's thesis and structure need work: they suggest that the essay simply reproduces the chronology of the source text (in the case of time words: first this happens, then that, and afterwards another thing...) or simply lists example after example ("In addition, the use of colour indicates another way that the painting differentiates between good and evil").>

The guest judge is Morgan Freeman. >

Morgan Freeman writes:

<<[In Morgan Freeman voice]> I was very honored to be asked to judge this historic caption competition. I know chess and I played chess with Tim Whatsisname on set of that film the Seersucker Rhododendron. But I didn't have sex with him.

In that respect Mr Offramp informs me that about a dozen entries had to be deleted owing to the sex/cannibalism thing that he mentioned. A pity really.

C'est la vie, say the old folk!

I read through all those entries and I had a very good laugh! This week's winner is User: Sally Simpson with this wonderful effort:

<Olga does this a few times, there is bug in there somewhere.>

Thanks to all who took part!>

Offramp writes:
<And thank you for being the judge, Daniel. There will be another CC soon, so keep an eye open.>

Your wheelchair-enabled step has been sent to
Mr G Chandler
c/o Poste Restante,
Pier Rd,
Gairloch
IV21 2BQ.

Please collect it within one month or it will be returned to the sender's address:
"The Republican Order for the Emancipation of Disabled Catholics",
c/o St Mary's Church
Abercrombie St
Glasgow G40.