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offramp
Member since Aug-16-03 · Last seen Apr-27-17
CARNIS AUTEM EST!

"Are you one of the frightened?"
- Boris Karloff

Voted Worst Fanirmod 9 years in a row.

I am a noted expert on Teplitz-Schönau (1922) upon which I have written nine "Schönographs": learned disquisitions on that intriguing tournament. Available at www.lulu.com for $0.01 each.

A great passion of mine is to fire up the old Merlin GTS autogyro and take her up to about 5,500 metres. I take a laptop with me but I no longer post while airborne since one post made me laugh so hard that I crashed my gyrocopter.

I was born in Hong Kong and in 2005 I was required to complete National Service in the Chinese military. I was taught how to fly a Xian H-6 jet bomber. One of my missions was to carpet-bomb the town of Andijan in Uzbekistan. A local chess tournament was taking place at the time and I later found out that I had killed 166 chess players which I believe to be the record.

I am an Honorary member of The Ancient and Honorable Artillery Company of Massachusetts and a Freeman of the City of Prince George, British Columbia and a Member of the Order of Skinner & PJ Proby's Horse and the Supreme Orator of the Order of the Acrimonious Virgin.

I have published an autobiography called <I BLEW A BILLION BUCKS ON BIKES BABES BARBITURATES BULLETS BOMBS AND BENONIS: <My Journey of Personal Discovery from Tunguska to Roswell Via Krakatoa and Hiroshima>>. It is available at Lulu.com for £0.01p.

I graduated from Leadway University, Hut 8, Zone B, Lagos, Nigeria with a thesis on speech act theory and moral language.

I once worked at LUSH and I have made a replica pistol out of black soap which I intend to present to Donald Trump when he visits Britain by jumping out of the crowd and handing it to him.

My philosophy is this:

Work like the ponies in coalmines.
Dance like the teardrop explodes.
Love like you're Frank in Blue Velvet.
Play chess like you're desperate to lose.

My father was from Limerick and my mother was from Chorlton-cum-Hardy, near Manchester.

My favourite players of all time are:
1 James Mason 2 Moshe Czerniak 3 Harry Nelson Pillsbury 4 Vladimir Simagin 5 Evgeni Ellinovich Sveshnikov 6 Gustav Richard Neumann 7 Carl Theodor Goering 8 Rudolf Swiderski 9 Siegbert Tarrasch 10 Hugh Alexander Kennedy

My birthday is 29th March. I have two young children.

I am a lover of ecclesiastical architecture. I like Hawksmoor, Gibbs and Archer. In 2017 I'm hoping to visit both Santiago de Compostela and Rome. North France, as well. It is not easy because I never learned to drive a petrol vehicle, although I am trained to drive an electric train.

I spend many hours listening to Old-Time Radio (OTR). I also like pre-code comics.

I am a big fan of St Edward Aleister Crowley (who was a very good chessplayer), but I am not a Thelemite.

I am a Freemason under the United Grand Lodge of England. I have also taken the extra degrees of Royal Arch, Mark Mason and R∴A∴M∴. Freemasonry takes up a large amount of my time and I enjoy every minute of it.

>> Click here to see offramp's game collections.

Chessgames.com Full Member
   Current net-worth: 1,036 chessbucks
[what is this?]

   offramp has kibitzed 13983 times to chessgames   [more...]
   Apr-27-17 Topalov vs Nisipeanu, 2007
 
offramp: <Garech: Very pretty game; will try and think up a pun! -Garech> Garech, I am afraid your pun has received a bit of a thumbs-down from the chessgames jury. But do not be discouraged! Do not slacken in your efforts! Onwards and upwards to the top!
 
   Apr-27-17 Nisipeanu vs N Grandelius, 2017
 
offramp: A battle between two comical hairstyles. Elizabeth Siddal beat Milli Vanilli.
 
   Apr-26-17 Larsen vs Ulf Andersson, 1975
 
offramp: [DIAGRAM] It looks like White's queen is out of position for the attack. But Larsen plays 36. Qb1, 37. Qa1 and 38. Qe1. Superb play.
 
   Apr-25-17 chessgames.com chessforum (replies)
 
offramp: I think there is going to be a time in the future when chess broadcasts cost money. I think chessgames.com should be showing more live broadcasts now, while it is cheap or free. There is nearly always a tournament going on somewhere, I think you should show one of them. I have ...
 
   Apr-25-17 Biographer Bistro (replies)
 
offramp: How about "Wesley So is a male human being."
 
   Apr-25-17 Reshevsky - Najdorf (1952)
 
offramp: If you are trying to raise funds for a match it helps to get paid for the bums on seats before the match starts. If you go to the mayor of San Salvador and offer her games 14 to 18 she might say, "Ey up! What if the match is already over?" Scratching your nose you say, "Nah, that ...
 
   Apr-25-17 offramp chessforum (replies)
 
offramp: <ChessHigherCat> LOL my brother used to do the same thing. But he didn't do it with that book, and I don't know that book... I lost my old Collected Wallace Stevens, but recently I bought a Kindle version. One of the advantages of that is its searchability; I can find my old ...
 
   Apr-25-17 G Barcza vs Bronstein, 1949 (replies)
 
offramp: Wonderful chessboard magic. I was totally surprised by Black's moves. What a great player Bronstein was.
 
   Apr-25-17 Samuel Reshevsky
 
offramp: Najdorf & Reshevsky were born one year and 136km apart.
 
   Apr-25-17 Anthony Miles (replies)
 
offramp: <Zanzibar> it's Najdorf vs NN, 1942 (kibitz #46) .
 
(replies) indicates a reply to the comment.

English Chess Speaking

Kibitzer's Corner
< Earlier Kibitzing  · PAGE 23 OF 23 ·  Later Kibitzing>
Apr-16-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: ...With the plate still at his lips.

I can definitely state....

That I saw him guzzling gravy...

Apr-17-17  Ibisha Biscotto: thanks for turning me on to Czerniak , pal.
Apr-17-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  ChessHigherCat: <offramp:
With the plate still at his lips.

I can definitely state

That I saw him guzzling gravy,

To all etiquette laid waste

Apr-17-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  ChessHigherCat: Today we all stand gathered,

to lay his soul to rest,

We know that of all fathers,

of all husbands he was best,

His colleagues sing his praises,

he ever was their pride,

But he was a gravy guzzler

and THAT, no man can abide.

(A peace offering)

Apr-17-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <ChessHigherCat...
With the plate still at his lips.
I can definitely state

That I saw him guzzling gravy,

To all etiquette laid waste>
That's a good idea:

And he skipped off from the table,
The gravy clearly to his taste,
And drank as quick as he was able
So no gravy went to waste.

I want it to be strictly abab, so I might not be able to use your excellent second verse. Thanks for the assistance, <ChessHigherCat>! Very good!

Because Beaton was a photographer the last verse might end
I wish I had a photograph

And the preceding rhyme for phptograph might be <laugh>.

Apr-17-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I caught Cecil Beaton
Drinking gravy from the plate.
I don't know what he'd eaten
But he obviously found it great.

And he skipped off from the table,
The gravy clearly to his taste,
And drank as quick as he was able
So no gravy went to waste.

He had suddenly stopped bitching,
Ceased all his little quips
And he rushed off to the kitchen
With the plate glued to his lips.

Some people think I'm crazy
But I can definitely state
That I saw Beaton guzzling gravy
Directly from his plate.

He wiped the ring of stains
From his mouth with a huge laugh,
So no evidence remains.
I wish I had a photograph.

Apr-17-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  ChessHigherCat: Great! BTW, thanks for clarifying your statement "you made me laugh so hard I crashed my gyrocopter". I was wondering "What kind of metaphor is that?", but it was simple statement of fact!
Apr-17-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I'm up in the old gyrocopter now, in my <Shadow> outfit (stetson hat, cape, and red hanky around the gob).
Apr-17-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  ChessHigherCat: Okay, let's think of a really funny joke...
Apr-17-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: LOL! Oh NO! 🌀🌀🌀🌀.
Apr-17-17  thegoodanarchist: everyone stop saying "gravy"
Apr-18-17  Everyone: Why not ride the gravy train?
Apr-19-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  WinKing: Hi offramp,

2 days till Shamkir Chess - Gashimov Memorial 2017 - Friday Apr. 21st 2017!!!

♘Shamkir Chess♘Gashimov Memorial♗Shamkir Chess♗

This tournament will run from Apr. 21st thru Apr. 30th 2017. (9 Rounds)

Participants include Adams, Eljanov, Harikrishna, Karjakin, Kramnik, Mamedyarov, Radjabov, So, Topalov & Wojtaszek.

Average rating: 2761 - Category: 21 (FIDE-ratings as of April 18th. 2017)

*****
*****

<<> Gashimov Memorial 2017 <>>

http://shamkirchess.az/

< 2 Prediction Contests: (Win virtual medals - Gold, Silver & Bronze) >

*** User: lostemperor - Predict the order the players will finish. Run & hosted by <lostemperor>. (3 categories to medal in) ***

**User: Golden Executive - Predict the result 1-0, 1/2, or 0-1. Run & hosted by <Golden Executive>. (3 categories to medal in)

This year will be the 11th Anniversary for this contest! (from 2007 to 2017 - 11 years running)**

*User: OhioChessFan - Predict the result 1-0, 1/2, or 0-1 & the number of moves. (4 categories to medal in). This contest is run by <chessmoron> & hosted by <OhioChessFan>.*

***No confirmation from <lostemperor> that he will be running his contest***

Status - Unlikely

**<GoldenExecutive> has confirmed he will be running his contest**

Status - Definitely

*<chessmoron> has confirmed he will be running his contest*

Status - Definitely

*****
*****

Also, don't forget about <chessgames> ChessBookie game for this event. He can't wait to take some or all of your chessbucks. ;)

ChessBookie Game

Don't miss out on the fun for this Super Event!!!

**********
**********

Apr-20-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Amongst the ragged Cleeves those monstrous giants sought: Who (of their dreadful kind) t'appal the Trojans brought Great Gogmagog, an oake that by the roots could teare; So mighty were (that time) the men who lived there: But, for the use of armes he did not understand
(Except some rock or tree, that coming next to land, He raised out of the earth to execute his rage), He challenge makes for strength, and offereth there his gage, Which Corin taketh up, to answer by and by,
Upon this sonne of earth his utmost power to try.
Apr-22-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Amongst the comments at Levon Aronian I slightly overdid it.

I made comments about GM Aronian's nn-n... About the area between his eyes and his mouth.

I was, quite rightly, issued a cease and dentist order by User: ChessHigherCat.

I HAVE NOW made a promise to never refer to GM Aronian's schno... to GM Aronian's central face area again.

And there let us let the matter lie.

Apr-22-17  thegoodanarchist: Can we still talk about Aronian's unibrow?

What do the EU guidelines say?

Apr-22-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I have checked with Brussels and it is OKAY on the unibrow.

Repeat it is GO on the unfrozen caveman unibrow.

Apr-24-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: “Slowly the ivy on the stones
Becomes the stones. Women become
The cities, children become the fields
And men in waves become the sea.”
Apr-24-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  alfamikewhiskey: <Slowly the ivy <...>> What pregnant sentences.
Apr-24-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: The lines are from Wallace Stevens, the great American poet.
Apr-24-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  ChessHigherCat: <offramp: Amongst the comments at Levon Aronian I slightly overdid it.

I made comments about GM Aronian's nn-n... About the area between his eyes and his mouth.

I was, quite rightly, issued a cease and dentist order by User: ChessHigherCat.

I HAVE NOW made a promise to never refer to GM Aronian's schno... to GM Aronian's central face area again.

And there let us let the matter lie.>

Forgive offramp, brethren, for he nose snot waddy does.

Apr-24-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  ChessHigherCat: Thanks for the Wallace Stevens quote, they don't have any of his stuff on gutenburg.org but I'll bite the bullet and buy an anthology from amazon. I remember a totally "inappropriate" novel named "Gog", of the many my big brother used to throw on top of my head when he finished reading. There's a partner volume named Magog (a distant forefather of the multitalented actor whose name was changed to Mr. Magoo at Ellis Island). I remember the guy had a "love" "hate" tattoo on his knuckles like Charles Manson or Robert de Niro in Cape Fear. Did you ever read that, or do you have any idea who wrote it?
Apr-25-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <ChessHigherCat> LOL my brother used to do the same thing. But he didn't do it with that book, and I don't know that book...

I lost my old Collected Wallace Stevens, but recently I bought a Kindle version. One of the advantages of that is its searchability; I can find my old favourite poems very quickly.

BTW I used to know a <very> rough guy who had <LOVE> and <HAT> tattooed on his fingers - the result of a knife fight.

Apr-25-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  ChessHigherCat: That's a coincidence,I just bought a Kindle version of the Cambridge Guide to Wallace Stevens last night, too. I was surprised to learn in the introduction that he made the equivalent of $250,000 a year as an insurance CEO and was a friend of Marcel Duchamp of the art trouvé urinal school. I haven't had time to read the poems yet but I'm looking forward to it. Here's the Gog Squad I mentioned: https://www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Go... You can get the paperback for 1 pence, which shows how much it's cherished by our contemporaries. Very good back though! That's funny about the guy who lost his tattooed pink-E! (do you say pinky for the little finger in UK?)
Apr-26-17
Premium Chessgames Member
  ChessHigherCat: Correction: very good book, not back (no, I am not from Boston (Baston) where everybody talks like that.) I remember I was on a streetcar there and was supposed to get off at "Park Street" but I foolishly stayed on the train when the conductor announced "Pack Street".
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