<Jim> yes, and like the notorious jaguar, well-spotted.

Thanks for the alert! I just found the match in question, and I will certainly watch it.

We <Spurs> supporters know all about needle point and taping hard boiled eggs to our handlebars and cycling through the twatting Lake Country. We know about all kinds of things except why our team plays like a sewing circle.

Back in the world of sides not about to go from UEFA final to relegation in 6 months, did you see <Jamie Vardy> score 18 goals in two matches. What is up with this "he's retired from international duty." Is that his idea? Did a gaffer look at him the wrong way or something? He is most certainly the hottest striker in the world right now, let alone England.

<Frank Leopard> is really showing his stripes! Did you see leg two of <Ajax cleanser> vs <Chelsea creamery butter>? What a cracking match! That is how punters like their footy amirite.

It's official! Every single person in the world hates VAR in the premiere league. Especially <Jamie Aircraft Carragher> and <Glen Toddler>.

I hate it too. I don't care if a ref gets the wrong call anything is better than this crap.

<Port Authority>

Oh yes this is the one here I watched today <Anthony Marshmallow>

GOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

It was indeed a decent run of games for Man U (except for Bournemouth). Both <Marshmallow> and <Trashford> played well, but to keep it in perspective, the opposition were Brighton, Partizan and Norwich. Seeing them excel in easy games, where their talents have room to shine and defenders are sloppy, may however dupe <Salt Shaker> into believing that consistency is just around the corner. Personally, I'd go with Shakespeare's (Banquo's) take on it: <… win us with honest trifles, to betrays in deepest consequence …>. Heh, I knew those ‘O’ level English quotes would come in handy one day.

Realistically, having the metal to hack it in the dogfights with the top of the table crowd could still be a world away. It’s possible that a top quality ‘playmaker’ would make a difference in keeping M + T an ever-present threat, but can the the two of them play in this attacking style as effectively against good defences? I'm not yet convinced. And as far as playmakers go, Pereira and Pogba (when fit) are currently the only options and are mediocre on the evidence so far.

Time for some changes, but Ole is a ‘nice guy’ and might remain loyal to the current crop, even when the problems run deep.

Yes, Chelsea and <Frankie Lamppost> are doing well right now. They look altogether better equipped in the playmaker department.

VAR? Yeah, can't stand it.

VARdy? That's tricky. I couldn't blame him for stepping down, as he got benched in every crucial game, when Blighty inevitably went 'one up front' - the one being Kane. And of course Harry is usually captain these days, so that's not likely to change. Hmmm, how would you tempt him back? I dunno, but you're right ... we need him.

<The Portentious Dago>

Jinx! Not 30 seconds ago I just watched <GREAT SCOTT! McTominay> sweat out an idiotic VAR challenge to put <Red Devils> up 2-0 on <Brighton Hovercraft Albion>.

I have almost caught up now and next on the plate is <Blighty v Montana Ne'er Do Well> and then <Blighty v COSTCO>. Do they have <COSTCO> in Newcastle? It's kind of like TESCO but with even less class. Traditionally, <COSTCO> puts up stiff resistance so I'm looking forward to this one.

Why <Gareth Going Southgate> will never, ever win a tournament: If you have, arguably, the best two strikers in the world you stand on your head to keep both of them happy. If necessary you adapt your tactics to accommodate them both.

It's not that difficult.

Even a low rent gaffer like <Emu Emory> knows how to adjust a squad so that <President Obama Yang> and <Alexander reads the Gazette> can play happily together.

Instead of adjusting the training to get <VARdy> and <Mr."I'm just enjoying me football"> to work together in a system, they bench the hottest striker in the world?

Just because <Gareth Watergate> put up decent results for <Blighty> in the last two tournaments this is not nearly good enough. I refuse to believe <Portugal> or <France> stack up better "man to man". It's all about the gaffing, and arguably the most important element to gaffing is not the player selection- a drunk in the "Lion and Ferret" could pick as decent squad as any- it's all about PLAYER MANAGEMENT and TACTICAL SET UP.

I think Man City stalwart Morrisey put it best with his immortal lyric "Hang the gaffer, hang the gaffer..."

As you say, it ought to be possible to accommodate both forwards, but Gareth did try that in the early days with Vardy. Regrettably, they didn’t gel as a pair of poachers, and when he put Vardy wide left, he was like a fish (albeit a very handsome, leaping one) out of water.

Nevertheless, I’m with you on this … and the Vardy of today might be able to adjust his game, so it would be worth another try. To persuade him to come back, I’m assuming Gareth would need to take the risk of promising him a starting place, for say, the entire Euro campaign. I would do it, because we don’t have prolific midfielders who score oodles of goals.

Speaking of midfielders … nice to see <Unpaid-Chambermaid> back in the ranks and fingers crossed that he stays fit. Maybe they could keep his duties light by substituting any bath scrubbing and bed-making with additional pillow arranging and re-stocking of tea bags.

<Ponce de Leon>

I have been too busy lately do you <Dr. Fiala> me.

Yahoo erased almost all my email history so I no longer have your email eh?

Might you re-send something to me on jessicafischerqueen@yahoo.com so I can email you?

I have some burritos you might be interested in.

I'm not sure why I watch so much footy since it just puts me in a bad mood.

EXAMPLE first half of <Blighty v Kosovo>.

Neither of these players belong on a national stage, not even if they were on Montenegro:

<Tyrone Shoelaces> 0/10

<Callum Hudson Annoying> 0/10

I lost count of how many times these guys gave the ball away cheaply. On closeups they looked like deer caught in the headlights.

NOT READY SHOULD NOT BE PLAYING.

This is down to the Gaffer and I predict a worse showing this time for Euro tournament.

It will be 100% <Garth Traitorgate's> fault. I strongly suspect he is working for the Russians.

On a less crazed note:

It was nice to see <Harry Winks> score a goal with a sublime first touch there. Couldn't happen to a nicer lad eh?

Yeah. Far too many fledglings being brought into the squad. Just not helpful at this point. Now is the time to focus on the XI that will march out for game 1 at Euro 2020.

And that team is ...

*drum roll*

<Top secret>, but arriving soon at a nominated inbox and burrito clearing station near you.

<Pont>

Well yes I don't recall ever being more shocked, unless you count <Kevin Keegan> begging off England duty (again) on the eve of the World Cup with a "sore back." This was at the precise moment that <Keegan> and <Trevor Francis> were arguably the best footballers in Europe, if not the world.

My shock quickly turned to delight as BT Sports stalwarts <Fletch> and <The Brown Boddle> talked me through it...

<The Brown Boddle> was particularly astute in pointing out each new wrinkle from <Jose Merano 1924>, especially ditching the "play the ball out of your own end at any cost including giving up the ball inside your own box" strategy.

The long ball is a skill and should be a training ground staple for every side. You don't just punt it like in fake American "football" you aim it at a guy who is trained to bring it down.

I was disappointed only that <Jose Merano 1925> wasn't banished to the stands. One of the most delightful episodes in footy history is the way the officials gradually banished <Jose> from the player's area. First they just stuck him up in the stands. Then they stuck him way up at the top of the stands. Then they took away his cell phone so that he had to have "runners" sprinting up and down the bleachers to relay his instruction.

"Canadian archeologist may have found oldest known chess piece:"

<Wayne>! I haven't heard from you for ages how are you man.

Yes that is indeed an interesting chess history item!

<A small, rectangular stone (right), previously excavated at the Jordanian site of Humayma (shown at left), may be the oldest known chess piece, a rook dating to around 1,300 years ago.>

The only way this would be better is if a proper ALBERTAN scientist had made the discovery...

<Port Zrbie>

Well I can't begin to express how exciting the <Manchester Excited> v <Sheffield Excited> match was.

What drama! Directly after Sky Sports <Gary Neville> (best commentator in history) finished hammering the last nail in the ManU coffin, they remembered how much raw talent they had. And then the scrappy finale from <Sheffield> in which all neutrals would see justice done.

Some notes though- <Fred Flintstone> is just awful, end of story. His midfield partner <Tasty Perogi> is not much better. Hence Gary Neville's immortal pronouncement: "Perogi and Flintstone are not a midfield."

He was equally harsh on <Phil er up Jones> for his unnecessary "swan dive tackling."

Gary certainly perked up when <Jesse James> <Anthony Marsmallow> and <Marcus I have a Rashford> combined for what surely counts as one of the most sublime goals of the season.

On <Sheffield> I thought <George Bulldog> was man of the match. He was a constant thorn on the right side, winning every ball, every tackle and peppering ManU with accurate crosses.

Of note- <Bulldog> is only the third canine to make it to the premiere league, taking his place alongside <St. Bernard Silva> and <Ross Barkly>.

<Phil ‘Windmill of Bones’> has always lived close to <Calamity City>, so that error was long overdue … especially as he’s had no match practice. As for <Fred & Pereira> trying to boss the midfield … that was never gonna work. <Fred & Ginger> would have had a better chance.

We badly need another <Bryan ‘Robbo’ Robson>. He was our skipper for 12 years (!), and more than earned his ‘Captain Marvel’ nickname. A midfield general in the same class as Gerrard and Lampard.

Back to the game … ManU were a disgrace at times, but as you pointed out, The Blades are a team to watch out for; quietly cruising the top half of the table and ready to duff up any team not fully awake. Thankfully, their striker <Mousse Vet> is the newest member of my fantasy team, so earning me a few FFL points was at least some small consolation.

The Williams goal was also enjoyable of course … but wasn’t the immediate aftermath strangely flat? It seemed like no-one ran up to congratulate him. I mean … his goal had just got them back in the game, it was his first senior goal and was fairly spectacular, and yet I didn’t detect even a glimmer of excitement from any of his teammates. Odd that.

-------------------

Well … end of an era for <Poch>. We’ll miss messing with his name for the sake of mild comedy. I was looking for something good to remember him by and quickly realised there was nothing better than this …

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyk...

You’re in for an exciting ride with <MoreVino> at the helm. Win or lose, his expressive face and tangential comments will never fail to amuse. And if those touchline bans get any tougher, then we can expect to see him peeping over the stand from a hovering helicopter, sending his instructions by carrier pigeon.

To be serious though, trophies do count for everything these days. And Poch sadly underachieved – the much maligned Wenger, Van Gaal and Mourinho won 7 trophies between them while he was at Spurs. That kind of speaks volumes I guess.

Yes on the fly here but your EMU did in fact walk through!

I have been agonizing over my own <England List> with little luck except JINX almost writing down <Bryan Robson> in the center of the diagram.

I was just thinking again yesterday where is he. Also where is <The Brown Boddle>. Where is <Frank's Lamprey>.

<The Brown Boddle> was also a bit of all right if you ask me - here is SCIENCE TERRIFIC proof:

https://static.standard.co.uk/s3fs-...

You need someone like this in your midfield to compete in an international tournament.

She thought a polymath was a Parrot Doing Algebra. Boy, was she dumb.

My first girlfriend, my goodness! She was dumb.

This girl, she thought "Beef Stroganoff" was a masturbating bull. Boy, waa she dumb!

I tell you, this girl was dumb! After I got my drivers license, I took her out and parked in a secluded area. After a few minutes of kissing, I said "Wanna get in the back seat?"

She said "No! I want to stay up here with you!"