<ManU v BOURNEMOUTH report in "real time":>

OH NOES

Virtual Reality ref <Lee Mason-Dixon Line> has allowed a handball penalty against Roman Emperor <Nerva>!

<Robert Rahsford> slots home the go ahead marker.

<ManU v BOURNEMOUTH report in "real time":>

39:12 mark

<ManU v BOURNEMOUTH report in "real time":>

<Marshall Law> appears to have buried the Cherries just before half-time. Lovely technique.

I wonder how many "Water Breaks" the players will get whilst they listen to their Gaffers' speeches during half time.

<ManU v BOURNEMOUTH report in "real time":>

Half-time addy for an "Audiobooks App" 0/10.

<ManU v BOURNEMOUTH report in "real time":>

<Eric Bailey Bridge> caught with his shoulder in the cookie jar!

Virtual reality ref <Lee Mason-Dixon Line> confirms <Mike Deane's> second penalty call of the match.

<Joshua Fit de Battle of Jericho> buries the penalty against his former club!!

<ManU v BOURNEMOUTH report in "real time":>

More drama!

<Mason Greenhorn> continues to stump for a starting spot in the Euro tournament by notching his second of the match.

<ManU v BOURNEMOUTH report in "real time":>

<Bruno I hear the drums Fernando> perfectly struck free kick!

Another nail in the Cherries' coffin.

<ManU v BOURNEMOUTH report in "real time":>

Final score 5-2 Reds. Looks like Cherries are heading straight to the "Green Grass League," whilst Reds are just about guaranteed a spot in the <Chumpions League> if it ever starts up again.

To be honest, if your report had stopped at “AMEMIC” I would have understood. <Hosay> managed to conjure a few of those vanilla encounters during his spell at <Old Truffle> and truth be known, <Olay Gunner> had his own bland period straight after the collapse of his honeymoon period. More likely, it’s just the players that are making it happen right now, and <I would my friend Fernando> has been the main catalyst.

For the fans, it’s encouraging to see how new patterns and tactics are emerging; it’s like being in the <Massey Ferguson> era again. Fergie would regularly play two strikers and then throw on a couple more, without fear of being exposed at the back. The opposition got suffocated and couldn’t find the time and space to launch a counter-attack. This has suddenly become possible again.

Not so many weeks ago, Olay was attempting to fix his wayward performances by bringing on <Wham Mata> for the final 10 minutes. That was his only repair tactic and it rarely worked.

I don’t know if you have any thoughts on this, but why are some teams playing better/worse after the lockdown? I’m thinking ‘shift of weight of expectation’?

Yes, it’s crazy theory time … but hear me out. Newcastle is a big club that has consistently failed to achieve. Loyal but vociferous fans turn up in large numbers and engender a belief that finally, this is the year that Newcastle will win something. Puts a lot of pressure on a mediocre set of players. But take the crowd away and … hey presto, more relaxed, less stressed … just play football, see what happens. They’ve been playing better than when <Rafa Burritos> was there.

Similarly, ManU … the crowd expects them to win all the time. You can feel that relentless air of expectation and the disappointment when it doesn’t happen. But take the crowd away and look how things have changed for the better. Talent comes to the fore and risks are taken because there’s a feeling that no-one’s there to laugh at your mistakes.

It might also explain some terrible slumps. Norwich and Bournemouth fans don’t expect anything, but politely and firmly get behind their team, raising the level of, and motivating players at the budget end of the market. Take the crowd away … and a sinking feeling is all that’s left. Why are we even bothering? We can be giants in the kingdom of … <The Championship>. Where we really belong.

Well maybe. Alright, that was a crazy theory, but the best I can do in a world of media manipulation and <Kremlin Bots>.

lol <RUSSIAN BOTS - who are they?>

That guy is great. Nowhere near as great as that Stalin-era looking kid in the red trainers screaming at the internets, but still great:

<Paint My New Bog>

<Point Setta>

Intriguingly, in the quaint "English" form of the English language, a "belter" can mean either an end to end match with great goals, or it can be a shot that knocks the keeper, and/or the net, right into the stands. Like the kind <Didier Drogba> used to hit.

Here are some world historical "belters" for footy fans wondering why the English announcers don't speak proper Canadian English:

<Paint of No Return>

I think your crazy theory of too much and too little pressure from the punters is spot on. Unlike your infamous theory that <I have a Rashford> and <Frank Marshall> shouldn't be on the pitch at the same time.

More pressing to Albion is how to get <Hawker Hurrikane>, <Rasheed "Only My Life Matters" Sterling>, and the renegade hunting eagle <Jaimie Vargas Girl> on the same team without them killing each other, and without killing Blighty's chances to win a tournament. I know I keep coming back to this but I suspect one of the reasons <Kevin Keegan> begged off two World Cups in a row was because he didn't want to be shown up by <Trevor Francis> as the "best English baller."

No major tournament wins since <Nobby Stiles>.

Here in Geordieland <belter> can also mean 'good thing', as evidenced by the Tyneside film <Purely Belter>.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0246875/

Oddly enough, it's the film debut of <Alan Shearer> and much better than its imdb rating suggests.

When I lived in London, I was a regular frequenter of Chelsea's <Ferret and Firkin> pub though. That was a classy place ... some terrific ales brewed on the premises and I recall a big sign on the wall ... "Why not try a Firkin sandwich?". How we laughed.

Oh dear ... the eternal torment of England's non-achievement since 1966. Who knows when we can put all that behind us? My money is now on <Masonic Green Dude> to step into the <I'm a Vardy Girl> role. Yep, Jamie can kiss his world cup winners medal goodbye and salute a new star on the world stage.

<Paint Counterpaint>

I tried hard to get the Alan Shearer movie but no luck. I refuse to buy it from Jeff Bezos, the horrible little git.

<Paint My Pub>

I'm afraid my regular drinking partners Syd the Sexist and The Brown Bottle don't think much of <Chelsea>. As a rule, we never leave <Fulchester>.

Nice goal reel btw ... belters and screamers the lot of 'em.>

As a Geordie, <PMD> you'll doubtless know about "Wor Jackie" Milburn's belter in the 1951 Cup Final (you can see it on YouTube - <British Pathetic> made a slightly better job than usual of filming the action). Imagine if he'd put that power behind one of the lighter balls used nowadays, instead of the heavy leather things he had to cope with.

Haha, Those balls were criminally heavy, especially when wet. And if you 'scuffed' a header you were likely to end up with a lacerated forehead due to the laces on them.

Odd that we had access to lighter plastic balls when playing at home and yet our 'old school' PE teachers insisted on using the ancient leather sort. Cruel b*stards.

Yes, <Wor Jackie> is an absolute legend around these parts. One of my earliest memories was attending his Testimonial match in 1967. It comprised an XI of Newcastle players, captained by him (some old duffers and some of the current team) versus an International XI featuring <Bobby and Jackie Charlton>, <Ferenc Puskas>, <Jimmy Armfield>, <Nobby Stiles> etc ... a huge array of stars. An amazing occasion. 'Standing only' of course, so I had to be lifted onto folks' shoulders to catch a glimpse of the action!

Well that takes me back. I saw that Cup Final, not in person, but on Pathe News at the Saturday Morning Pictures. Of course, I was really there to see Roy Rogers and Trigger.