1. Celebrities - Carry a swanee whistle with you at all times to disguise serious sexual transgressions as necessary research for an upcoming 'Carry On ...' film role.

2. Make Your neighbour think that they have an apple tree by scattering some apples under a random tree or shrub in their garden.

Letterbocks:

<Paint My Good Heavens>

I did not know that!

In rural Canada, church going is probably as prevalent as it ever was. Same for Quebec where there are still many staunch Catholic church goers.

Church attendance would be weak in Toronto and downtown Vancouver.

"Ave Maria! Gee, it's good to see ya."

<Tim Leherherehr>

One of my fave Lehrisms:

Once all the Germans were warlike and mean
But that couldn't happen again.
We taught them a lesson in 1918
And they hardly have bothered us since then.

This public servix announcement brought to you by the Greater Puyallup Chamber of Commerce.

Puyallup!

Land of the Brie

https://phys.org/news/2021-04-child...

<Wayne>

I was indeed interested in this story on the mental benefits of chess for children, thank you!

https://phys.org/news/2021-04-child... eh?

Heh, sounds like a Fleetwood Mac song title.

Nearly time to get into that 2007/8 frame of mind and give the trophy polishers of North London some gainful employment.

So good luck. I will be cheering on the <crafty cockney cockerel collective> and hoping that <Heung-Min> sees the win, <Kane> is Abel and <Bale> don’t fail.

Perhaps a ‘Top Tip’ will help them on their way:

<PMD> LOL best top tip ever- IT WOULD WORK.

Well Spurs fans were ready to see the back of "The Special Bun" no surprises there.

Bit of a surprise that owner David Levy has hired "Mrs. Sack" of 352 Wiltfordshire Drive (behind the pipes), Bolton (6 feet under).

"Mrs. Sack" is deceased, but David Levy assures us "THE OLD BAG CAN'T POSSIBLY BE MORE USELESS THAN JOSE MERINHO."

<PMD> No joy in Mudville, but no surprise there either.

Spurs looked like a 4th division side against a futuristic super division of Alien life forms.

A shooting gallery.

That was the only bright spot- <Victor Hugo Loris> and many stout defenders showed up and they were actually quite magnificent. The 300 at the Gate magnificent. The floodgates could have opened at any time and an 8-0 score, or worse, was a distinct possibility.

Much less magnificent is the clinically retarded <David Levy>.

Ok everyone gets it- <Merinho> had to go. But you don't sack him before the last chance to get silverware.

You let that play out- I doubt <Merinho> would have done worse than <Nobody>.

But a premier Premier League club with the best football stadium in the world does not sack a premium gaffer WITH NO EXIT PLAN.

You don't hire <Nobody>. So now <Nobody> is gaffing Spurs, who must be considered adrift until future notice.

A premiere club lines up a premier gaffer. End of.

Failing that, if you think you absolutely must hire an interim gaffer, YOU DON'T HIRE <Nobody>.

Why not put <Tim Sherwood> in there as an interim, or someone else with a track record with some modicum of success, and in Tim's case someone who is proven at getting respect and affection in the locker room?

I thought <Villa> pulled the plug way too early on <Tim> last time round. What did <Villa> have to offer? They had no money left and just 4 good players is all- the <Ayew Brothers>, <Jonjo Shelvey> and an 9 year old <Jack Grealish>.

A terrible shame to go down like that, but Man City are beasts these days. Even on those occasions that Aguero has vanished, and they choose to rest a superbly in-form Gundogan and De Bruyne, they still have the game under control. Such a well-oiled machine.

Heroic saves by both keepers, but as you say, <Huge Liquorice> was by far the busier. He really is a class act, and yet flies under the radar somewhat when pundits start talking about the best keepers in the Prem.

Indeed. Awful timing for the dismissal, Ridiculous to be without an established gaffer for the days leading up to a cup final. There'll be a demoralizing effect for some ... and do you stick to your old system of play, or does the makeshift 'deputy dog' lay down his own mantra? Confusion will likely reign until the new man has developed a feel for it and earned the right level of respect.

Okay, we have seen cases of a team playing better under a brand new manager, but I think that only happens when relations turn sour and departure is a welcome relief in the dressing room. In this case, I believe the players were on good terms with Jose - certainly Kane gave that impression when interviewed about it.

<More-vino> is a hard character to read. On camera he is usually sulky and snappy and could be mistaken for a tough, disciplined taskmaster behind the scenes. But I'm convinced this is all just an act. I believe he is very relaxed with the players and given a crew that is self-motivated and neatly dovetailed, he will be a good fit. In any other situation however, it feels like he simply has no Plan B and is happy enough to walk away with a handsome pay off. For certain, we've seen some dreadful tactical and team selection decisions of late.

If International Master David Levy is ever trawling these pages, I'm sure he will be mortified to learn that chess historians regard him as "clinically retarded".

<PaintMyDragon>

GOOD HEAVENS.

I know <Ray> gets a lot of stick from Edward Winter (of Edward Winter's fine group "Frankenstein"), but I wouldn't go so far as to call him retarded.

Tbh I had a vexing problem with a <Tal> event as presented on a "certain" popular but "rubbishly vetted" tournament website that <Ray> immediately cleared up for me. It turned out <Ray> had actually played in one of those events, and was able to tell me who played in his event- so I was able to include accurate information on it in my <Tal Life and Games> collection.

<You> and <Tabanus> and <whiteshark> and others carried a lot of water for me on that one too so thanks to all four+ of you.

<Edward Winter> on one of his rare "lighthearted days"

Interesting to glance again at your Tal Collection. Hard to believe that just 4 years before becoming World Champ he had never travelled abroad.

To be honest I don't really recall any help I gave you with that. <Tab> is normally everyone's 'go to' for those hard to reach sources.

That said, it has recently come to my attention that Tabanus is never to be found on these pages whenever this guy is roaming the Norwegian streets ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjC...

<PMD> as usual, you are correct.

You have captured the ancient Norwegian Bigfoot dance festival.

(very) fun fact: <Tab> has informed me on many occasions that there is a Bigfoot who lives in Norway, but I forget his name. Even though I saw it at least 100 times. <Tab> also informed me that there are "mucho Bigfoots" in Alberta, Canada. He may have used a different phrase, but I don't think so...

<Merinho> had at least one very bad habit with regard to player morale.

He would periodically, even semi-regularly, criticize players to the press. This is a huge breach of trust and an idiotic habit to get in to.

The most flagrant example I saw was a post-game interview when he was with Chelsea.

<John Terry> was just coming to the end of his playing career. He had gotten a by then rare start, and played like a man who wanted his spot back.

The interviewer, recognizing this, said to Merinho "John Terry played well today."

Merinho replied "Did he?"

I watched Leeds v Reds and I still wonder if <ManU> can ever return to their legacy position under HOLLY GOLLY SALTSHAKER. Sadly, because I like him, I think not.

Also I heard a rumor yesterday that <Ronaldo> may return?

<POD PEOPLE>

Well I just watched <Gary Neville> and <Jamie Aircraft Carragher> having a fit over the EURO SUPER GREED LEAGUE.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQI...

Is this the end of footy as we know it.

Nah ... the Super League has been squashed. Nobody wanted to see a series of (effectively) exhibition matches where the loser always stays up. Footy is about competition.

The fans have spoken. I told them that you wouldn't approve and they quickly caved in.

I've not heard anything about <Rooney-aldo> returning. I'd imagine Ferguson would have been able to handle that - laying down the ground rules - no red carpet treatment etc. But I would worry with <Olly Gonna Soulsearchya> in charge, because he doesn't have the gravitas to put superstars in their place. Also you could envisage a rivalry with Pogba developing. Could simply end up as a battle of the primadonnas.

I'd like to see more good, honest, hard workers come, like Fernandes has proven to be. We have attacking flair in abundance already - it's the players that link it all together that are elusive, although I can't complain too much right now.

I thought United looked decent in that goalless draw with Leeds- maybe just missed Pogba's influence. Apparently <The Magwitch> said something nasty to <Fred Flintstone> though, so now there's some patching up to do.

I fully agree about that other <Marine Ho> issue. He would, as you say, almost condemn his own player if it enabled him to belittle a reporter - 'Don't tell me who did and didn't have a good game!'. He saw every questioning of his team selection as an unworthy snipe that needed to be called out.

Worse again, he often expressed extreme disappointment in all of the players' attitudes after a bad loss. He rarely took any of the blame himself, conveniently forgetting that it was his job to motivate them in the first place.

Bonus track:

<Paint My Cavani>

Well I just finished watching ManYou sack Rome=

An impressive display. Rome had some bad luck on the personnel early on, but this was never going to be their day.

<Cave Manny> man of the match for me- I'd have liked to see him take the penalty as well, but I get it some gaffers like to have one man permanently in that role.

I spotted two ex-Reds on Roma, including the enigmatic <Nicotine Arian>! I wondered where he had got to. Isn't he 50 years old now?

Anyways that was a Champions League performance, not a Europa League.

All credit to Reds, and surely a day to sing the Manchester National Anthem:

I just had Morrissey change the lyric to ‘Everyday Is Like Thursday’, in the hopes that this splendid Red Devil form continues. He says he will also re-shoot the video with a girl who looks far less miserable – probably a rampant meat eater. He's a changed man these days.

Yes, the boys all did themselves credit for a change. Like you say, <Caveman> was an inspiration, and I hope he takes the one year extension on offer to him, but I’m not sure he will.

<Donny Gander Beak> is perhaps our only squad member who still can’t raise his game. Not sure what’s up – maybe not enough tulips and windmills in Manchester for him. Not everyone settles straight away, I guess.

Hah! Reminds me of a <Peter Hook> interview, where he pointed out that he was brought up on a typical (Manchester) terraced-house estate, with only the odd factory and corner shop to vary the landscape. He claimed he didn’t see his first tree until he was eleven!!!

I’d almost forgotten about <Mucky Hairy’un> too. After he flopped at Arsenal, I imagine he has seen his wages fall dramatically. Now just on £50k a week – Lol. Hardly worth getting out of bed for.

You must have been pleased with <Tooting>ham at the weekend. In the aftermath, on MOTD, <Jermaine Jenas> had some harsh words for <Morevino> and his unhelpful habit of regarding <Christian Bale> as ‘not match-fit’, without ever allowing him to play himself into match fitness. A sentiment you have expressed on these very pages.

Can you see the BBC MOTD podcasts? Pretty much, they comprise Shearer, Richards and Lineker chatting, reminiscing and giving their Top 10 lists of ‘biggest transfer shock’, ‘hardest footballer’, ‘cult heroes’ etc. I thought the last 6 were especially amusing. So if they are available to lumberjacks and Sasquatch hunters, I can highly recommend.

---------

Speaking of 'Best Ever' lists, this fine young lady from the Faroe Islands has recently captured my heart in the female vocal category:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNP...

'Supercharged Kate Bush' was about the only description I could come up with.