'We're out of vodka. The last bottle shattered when I was knocked down.'

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"Staked out the roof, boss, as you suggested. Caught this one trying to do a flying ninja."

"Oho" said Prise. "A Svidler on the roof".

<bullet blindfold>
With a mask covering his eyes, N. cautiously allowed his fingers to touch the strange wooden chessboard. Real pieces! He marveled at the oldness of everything in the old world. Did these guys even *have* mouses, never mind preloads and uploads and downloads?

His fingers found a piece. Something ... horsey? ... about its shape. Maybe a Knight. On his right, so maybe g1? Was he black or white? Oh, yeah.

Carefully, he picked up the horse-thing and let his fingers count three squares in from the edge of the board, trying not to knock over any pawns.

Good stuff, <Dom>. :D

His daughter though had a different opinion of the Rogoff Amendment, unjust taxation she said, something about it being regressive rather than progressive. Well one's opinion changes depending on how well one's bowels move he thought to himself.>

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The third thing Andy noticed about the umbrella was that it was yellow. Aggressively yellow. It radiated yellowness as if that, rather than keeping the rain out, were the job it had so craftily been made for. And it wasn't the sort of creamy oily yellow you usually get on umbrellas; it was a bright, blinding yellow.

The second thing Andy noticed about the umbrella was that it was open, and therefore somewhat out of place here in the big hall, what with the ceiling and all. In other words, the umbrella unerringly identified the man sitting below as someone who not only didn't mind being thought of as weird, but was actually happy to cultivate the image.

The first thing Andy noticed about the umbrella was that it blocked his view of the big screen. And the annoying thing, the <really> annoying thing, was that you couldn't complain, because you couldn't believe your eyes...

There was, in fact, much more to the umbrella man than would meet the eye, especially an eye from behind. But he isn't the hero of this story, and neither is the unfortunate Andy. The last thing a story like this needs is a hero.

<<<NO NAME, OR, WHY IT'S SOMETIMES BETTER TO REMAIN UNTITLED>>>

'Dear ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the grand final of the World Chess Anti-Championship! Today, it will be resolved once and for all who the worst player of our times is. And best of all, we should be in for an exciting struggle - this game is played under the Elista Rules, forbidding draws shorter than forty-two moves unless the position really is drawn.'

This last announcement got a wild cheer from much of the crowd. A number of people even whistled appreciatively. Some whistled disagreeingly, among them the umbrella man; but since he was probably just out to get some attention, we won't continue to pay him any.

'And here come the players! With White today, the man who eliminated Ben from contention. One of the great chessic super-anti-heroes of our times, his abysmal play in the Candidates cycle instantly elevated him to the all-time pantheon of <really> bad players. Known for his trademark surly mood after almost every game... ladies and gentlemen, the Incredible Sulk!'

The Sulk slumped hopelessly to the board, in gloomy spirits already before the match.

'With Black, our reigning champion. Universally agreed to be the worst player ever to move a piece, he has remained undefeating for decades now. A legend in his own time, he barely needs to be introduced... NN !'

NN looked like a multicentenarian, which he was. Pushed to the stage in a wheelchair, it took newcomers some time to figure out that the curious contraption in front of him was in fact a custom-made monocle. The other eye could no longer be helped by any magic; it spoke volumes about the wonders of modern medical science that the one eye could, though to be honest you really couldn't tell by his play. With the clerk's help he extended a feeble hand to the Sulk.

'And heeeeeere,' the announcer boomed, 'all the way from California, our color commentator for today. A big hand, please, for Jimmy the Weak!'

The audience duly applauded as Jimmy's face appeared on the big screen.

'Jimmy, in your expert opinion please - who do you think will lose today?'

'Well, Sulky's sure put up an unimpressive string of results lately. His whitewashing by Ben was really something else... But NN has remained at the bottom for so long. All in all, I'd have to put my bucks on the old champ; the man's a dynasty all by himself.'

'And what opening would you expect to see uncorked?'

'Actually,' Jimmy inserted quite coldly, 'I think you'll find the WannaBe is considered theoretically sound.'

'Is it really? Well, the game's progressing fast now. Sulk is advancing further and further with the king, his eyes alight with all the open space. His king is already on e5! And... can this really be true! It seems NN now has a mate in one! All he has to do is move the queen to d6, and his unprecedented string of losses is finally at an end. This game could be over practically before it started... dear audience, we may be witnessing the end of an era!'

'Don't shout so loud, the players might hear you! They <say> that glass thingy's soundproof but...'

'Jimmy, Jimmy, don't be a spoilsport! Doesn't really matter now if Sulky hears us, and as for NN, poor old fellow, can't imagine his hearing's very good anymore! NN is thinking, thinking deep... and he's missed it! NN misses the mate in one! A tragic occasion... this is really the worst game I've ever seen.'

'Oh, I wouldn't know about that. What about the one from... where was it? The one with 21...Rxe1 mate.'

'Can't quite remember. I think I know which game you mean, but my old mind's mercifully wiped out all the details!'

'Anyway, back to the action. NN may have missed the mate, but I think he still has an advantage. The Sulk doesn't have any active pieces...'

'...other than the king, which is being driven back. No, it isn't, not all the way! Looks like it's getting trapped in the center. NN has two knights and his queen out now, and the Sulk's king is completely exposed. There must still be a winning combination.'

'Well, at least the Sulk now finally manages to develop his next piece of wood - the d-pawn. What was that bleep?'

'A computer warning. Says NN has a mate in one again! NN has a mate in one again! 11...b5, and the game is over. The old boy gets a second chance! Again, NN falls in deep thought...'

'Looks more like deep sleep to me. I think I can hear snoring. Told you that thing wasn't soundproof!'

'Not this way at least. For Pete's sake, someone go wake him up... ah, the clerk's prodding him now.'

'He's back up and at it. He grabs his knight and gives check... oh, man...'

'NN has missed another mate in one! He truly is amazing. And the Sulk's king is finally back at e1... could it be that he's escaping? The queens are exchanged.'

'So they are! The game is wide open again.'

'NN's still a pawn up, but most of his advantage is surely gone. Sulky's in fact developing now... mostly, it has to be said, with his king. It's back at c3 again!'

'Well, quite a few pieces have been exchanged by now. An active king could actually prove an advantage.'

'Quite a late castling for NN by the way, move twenty-seven. Those with money on that should be happy now!'

'Nice catch there.'

'Things in fact looked almost equal for a while there, but now the Sulk's knights are getting knocked about. Both pairs of rooks are exchanged.'

'I'd say it's still open! NN seems to be getting tired... judging by how he's taking another nap.'

'Well, doesn't that provide a splendid chance to give our sponsors some airtime.'

'Unlikely - other than those brief interludes this game has progressed very fast.'

'True, that. They're at move 39 already. The Sulk seems to be getting aggressive... oh, my, NN now has a protected passed pawn. That could finally really prove decisive.'

'Oh, I'm not so sure. The passer's nicely blockaded, be it mostly by accident.'

'Good point, Jimmy. NN's expanding on the queenside and... he loses his extra pawn! NN loses his extra pawn. Sorry guys, I really didn't see that one coming. Sure looks like NN's tiring at the end of a long game. White now also has a passer. This game should really be drawn now, unless... Wait, was there a tactic there I missed?'

'Dunno - but if there was, you'd think they would miss it as well, else it would be you playing out there.'

'Ouuuuuuch! NN steps right into a fork, and the Sulk goes a piece up. On top of that, his pawn is promoting. This really has been quite a rollercoaster game... and here it comes. NN resigns! NN resigns! The King has lost again, long live the King! Truly, his like will never be seen again. The Sulk is waving his hands in disbelief, and NN's long streak of losses continues unabated.'

'Unfortunately, the doping tests had to be cancelled after the organizers mislaid Volume 7 of the list of medications NN has a doctor's permission to use. That was truly a regrettable accident... but rest assured, my friends, both players' moves will be checked against a number of state-of-the-art computers, down to and including the flagship of our main sponsor - EtaBeta!'

'There's only really one more thing to say. Dear audience, thank you very much; you helped pay for this wonderful night. Jimmy, is there anything you'd like to add?'

Bring 'em out already.

Hey everybody, great crowd tonight! Thanks for coming. Stay pinned to your seats and whoever laughs loudest will discover a big fat check from me, maybe even a double check. If you’re too silent, expect to be skewered. I consider myself a very rare breed, a professional stand-up chess comic, which I sometimes feel is about as much fun as playing with yourself (using a chess set, get your minds out of the gutter, people) while being surrounded by a dozen psycho kibitzers at very close quarters, breathing down your neck and criticizing your every move against yourself. Speaking of stand-up, I think chessplayers should play their games while standing up, sitting for long periods of time has been called “the new smoking---” it’s very bad for your health. At least take a few laps around the board after every few moves.

Yesterday I was sacrificing time reading chess articles online searching for comedy material gains when I came across one of Boris Spassky’s old games. You remember him, that big-haired sporting gentleman who lost to the late great chess nut Bobby Fischer (By the way, watching some of Bobby’s insane anti-semitic rants almost makes me wish he had been slowly roasted on an open fire every Xmas). Both of his biological parents were of Jewish ancestry! Sheesh. By the way, I hate it when people pronounce Ol’ Boris’ name “SPAH-ski.” It’s “SPASS-ski” dummies, as in spastic. Get it?!

Anyways, I was reading the annotated score of this game of his and at the end an absolutely crushing variation was rattled off, with the final statement: “-and Black (Spassky’s opponent) can safely resign.” SAFELY resign? What the hell does that mean? If I hit my opponent over the head with my chair while announcing my resignation, is that UNSAFELY resigning?” Jeez.