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Memorable Quotes
Member since Jun-28-05 · Last seen Dec-08-18
Dedicated to celebrating the lighter side of, a collection of memorable quotes and puns.


Every kibitzer is welcome and in fact encouraged to post funny quotes he/she finds around the site.

However, please refrain from having discussions in this forum and making "irrelevant" posts, since I will generally delete them. Also, please don't post quotes that are in clear violation of the general posting guidelines.>


Other pages worth visiting:

Odd Lie, City of Moscow, Beer, Oleg Romanishin, anything else ?



<soberknight>'s "Storey" of biblical proportions at Charles H Storey

<tpstar>'s epic "Kramniad" at John Homer Stapfer

<beatgiant, Mar-04-05, T Bush vs A Carter, 1976 >:

T Bush "It's clearly a chess ratings report. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

Kenneth Regan "I've outlawed the Russian Defense. We begin pawn storming in five minutes."

A Carter "Chess is the moral equivalent of war."

Ford "There is no Russian domination of chess."

Thomas Nixon "I received one more gift after the election. Besides Checkers, the dog, I also got Chess, the cat."

Kennedy "Ich bin Hans Berliner!"

<Abaduba, Apr-17-05, T Bush vs A Carter, 1976 >:

Thomas Jefferson Bryan "All pawns are created equal and endowed with the inalienable right to life, liberty, and two squares on their first move."

Jamie Walter Adams "Liberty cannot be preserved without a general knowledge of opening theory."

Jackson "The wisdom of man never yet contrived an opening system that would operate with perfect equality."

<TheSlid, Mar-18-05, The World vs Kosteniuk, 2004 >:

So what did precipitate the End of the World? Was it nuclear war, a huge meteor, or was it 18.Bd3?

<tpstar, May-26-05, Garry Kasparov >:

In their infinite wisdom, they're trying to clamp down on tooth jokes to 1) prevent moral decay 2) make sure this page doesn't become one giant cavity.

Mad props on the refreshed picture. Looks like GK got a few molar equivalents of bleach.

<DP12, Jun-12-05, Vladimir Kramnik >:

Kramnik does not paint, he draws.

<ruylopez900, Apr-17-04, Janosevic vs Geller, 1968 >: has this as A00 Uncommon Opening. While this is true I think ECO should expand itself to include this opening. What do you think of <Chess Game Declined, ECO Code F00>?

<Ezzy, Jun-23-05, The Kibitzer's Café >

There is no shame in spending hours a day on the greatest of all games. If you want to enjoy the game even more, then do what I did:

Do not get married (or get a divorce immediately), as there is no time for the folly of companionship, when there is chess to be played!!

Sell your children to slavery, or have them adopted!! - because you don't want them whinging in your ear while you are trying to concentrate on monday's puzzle!

Renounce all friendships!! - There just isn't enough time for these. How can you possibly waste time in socialising, when the complexities of the Najdorf Sicilian, is more than enough to keep you occupied!!

Finally, you must renounce your parents! Because it's their bloody fault that you became a "chessnut boasting in a open foyer"!

Sorry, it's not quite final. We should all renounce <> for irresponsibly encouraging us all to participate on their website, with no thought whatsoever, to how and why they are tearing families and frienships apart!


<Knight13, Sep-09-04, N Zhukova vs Areshchenko, 2004 >:

Pawns are better than rooks in the endgame. So both have 1 rook. That means it's gonna be a check or pawn kill.

Nice Drawn game.

(don't miss the according rebuttals)

<offramp, Dec-28-04, Lembit Antsovich Oll >:

Pity he didn't die from an overdose of Nembutal.

(a drug)

<korger, Jul-10-05, Lembit Antsovich Oll >:

(But that's actually a picture of 'Weird Al' Yankovic!)

I wonder if he was taunted with the nickname "Weird Oll" in high school.

<, Nov-16-04, Marshall vs Pillsbury, 1904 >:



We removed that message because the link pointed to a pornographic site.


<An Englishman, Nov-18-04>:

Dear chessgames: Thank you for removing that link. No, the link used to be correct...

<offramp, Nov-18-04>:

That 'link' as you call it has changed my life... I used to be a Roman Catholic...

<dr eales, Jun-10-04, Raymond Keene >:



I also happen to believe that what looks like a concerted attack on Ray by a number of writers too scared to reveal their true identities is in direct violation of rule 3 of the posting guidelines prohibiting personal attacks!


<ughaibu, Jun-10-04>:

Unless Keene is a member there's no contravention of rule 3.

<ray keene, Jun-10-04>:

The real Ray Keene is here


<Shadout Mapes, Jun-11-04>:

Wow ughaibu, I bet you didn't see this one coming.

<azaris, Mar-04-05, T Nixon vs S Williams, 2002 >:

"I am not Arthur Crook!"

(about what Nixon said after the game)

<acirce, Mar-09-05, Rustam Kasimdzhanov >:

(did Kasimdzhanov even have a single position in this tournament where he had anything remotely resembling an advantage?)

Yes, he was White in six games.

<WannaBe, May-10-05, Michael Bond >:

My Gosh, Bond is +0 =0 and -002.
That makes him an 005?!

<tpstar, Aug-02-05, Charles Gauche >:

Hey wait! Where did the BRA go?! Guys, you really need to get permission before taking someone's BRA off. :)

(the player's "name" used to be Charles Gauche BRA)

Successive posts by <ughaibu, Geller vs A Z Kapengut, 1971 >

<ughaibu, Mar-10-04>:

A beautiful finish to this one.

<ughaibu, Aug-11-05>:

I must say I agree about that, 22.Rd4 is great stuff.

(thanks to <aragorn69> for pointing it out)

<Jaymthetactician, Aug-23-05, Boris Spassky >:

I dont think theres a rating inflation, it's just that today's players are much stronger then the past. Evidenced by how the further back in time you go, the lower the world champion is rated. For example: If Botvinnik was 2500 later on, then Alekhine would only be rated around 2000 nowaday's, with Steinitz being about 1800, and Morphy being around 1500, Anderssen I think would 1300, while Philidor might be 1250.

<azaris, Aug-28-05>: If Philidor was put in a time machine and sent to our time, he would be a strong IM.

If jaymthetactician was put in a time machine and sent to Philidor's time, it would be a blessing to us all.

<TheSlid, Sep-29-05, Topalov vs Anand, 2005 >:

<BishopBerkeley: In India, many poor people play Chess.>

All over the world many people play chess poorly!

<LIFE Master AJ, recurrent>:

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

<Monoceros, Oct-04-05, Judit Polgar vs Topalov, 2005 >:

<Monoceros> You're right. I was thinking of ...


<notsodeepthought, Dec-02-05, Odd Lie >:

<New User>: Hello AJ, I noticed that you took part at tournament ___, can you tell us about it? Also, if you feel like a game, let me know and I'll tell you where to look me up.

<Nude Abuser>, what do you mean by "Hello"? Are you a Life Master, or at least a GM, that you can talk to me just like that? What's YOUR rating? I bet you don't even have a home page on this site. And no, I don't play on the internet, because internet chess players are cheaters, especially YOU, since you all use computers. That's what my old sergeant in the Army told me. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.

P.S. Nyuk

<RolandTesh, Dec-03-05, The Kibitzer's Café >: Here is a joke Hydra recently told Shredder:

100011010001001011101000100011010001000100001110- 101011- 101110001001010100010000100001000100011010110010- 101110- 101010010001001000100010011110100010110101001010- 110000- 0100001000!

That one always gets me :-)

<, Dec-13-05, The Kibitzer's Café >:

The conclusion of the Roland Tesh's premium account Christmas presents are here...

We just sent out 32 emails to each winner...

however, we can't send emails to people who didn't win. (Sorry about that, we just don't have the resources.)...

<tpstar, various>:

A Lein vs T Palmer, 2004, Robert James Fischer, Kramnik - Leko World Championship Match (2004)

<tpstar, Jul-19-05, Leonard J Johnson >:

Possible advertising slogans for Chess Viagra:

"I've fallen - and I can't get it up!"

"Prepare to mate on Knight One"

"Use whenever your piece is hanging"


Continued in the forum below...

>> Click here to see Memorable Quotes's game collections. Full Member

   Memorable Quotes has kibitzed 31 times to chessgames   [more...]
   Sep-27-17 TheAlchemist chessforum (replies)
Memorable Quotes: Moved over for further discussion: Sep-27-17 <offramp>: <TheAlchemist> Perhaps you should add a single proviso: <The quote should have the potential be memorable to more than one person.>
   Sep-27-17 Memorable Quotes chessforum (replies)
Memorable Quotes: Just to correct my previous mistake, reposted: <Dr Winston OBoogie>: <saffuna: <<Bobsterman>, did you notice that Trump's speech at the UN was strong, very manly and well received by respected leaders around the world?> <The president of Nambia ...
   Feb-03-06 Beer (replies)
Memorable Quotes: Finally, I have completed Game Collection: The Punishment . You're welcome to have a look!
(replies) indicates a reply to the comment.

Memorable CG Kibitzers' Quotes

Kibitzer's Corner
< Earlier Kibitzing  · PAGE 50 OF 50 ·  Later Kibitzing>
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Here is a truly colossal, Mount Rushmore-like quote from the dazzlingly unlawful User: thegoodanarchist:

Podebrady (1936) (kibitz #4)

<thegoodanarchist: < The 18 combatants included: Alexander Alekhine, Erich Eliskases, Stefan Fazekas, Salomon Flohr, Jan Foltys, Paulino Frydman, Vera Menchik, Karel Opocensky, Jiri Pelikan, Vladimir Petrov, Vasja Pirc, Kurt Paul Otto Joseph Richter, Karel Skalicka, Gideon Stahlberg, Lajos Steiner, George Alan Thomas, Karel Treybal, Emil Zinner.>>

[Here it comes! Get ready.]

<The Podebrady Bunch!>

User: JimNorCal spotted its brilliance immediately!

A beam of light incandescent at a time of darkest night.

Premium Chessgames Member
  Annie K.: chessforum (kibitz #30196)

<nok: <<(...) by Raymond Keene is a good book>

Who wrote it?>>

Premium Chessgames Member
  zanzibar: This one is really good!

<<sneaky sqeeky: So proud of you! Sargon>

Who is this <Sargon> you speak of? My name is <> ...


6th Sinquefield Cup (2018) (kibitz #26)

Premium Chessgames Member

Kibitzer's Café (kibitz #239002)

<HeMateMe: why isn't there any good baroque porn? I've scoured the internet mate, none to be had.>


Sep-19-18  Boomie: <Jessie>

He was responding to one of my posts two posts before.

"Musical quality is a bit like pornography. You can't define it but you know it when you hear it."

Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: <offramp: I suppose we all know that Kieseritzky had poo-poo that was harder than diamonds. As part of a discussion on that phenomena we asked the opinion of a medical professional:

Lionel Adalbert Bagration Felix Kieseritzky (kibitz #88)

<rgr459: a a physician, my preferred question to assess stool consistency is: if you stool on the floor, and drop a quarter in it, will it splash, stick, or bounce off?>>

I think that should’ve been “phenomenon”. Massive 😝 😆 LOL!

Premium Chessgames Member
  zanzibar: <Susan Freeman: Yes. Take it to rogoff. 😊> chessforum (kibitz #31251)

The gal learns fast.

Premium Chessgames Member
  Check It Out: <saffuna:

<I guess the Saudis will relinquish Khashoggi's body soon.>

They may release it in installments.>

Kenneth S Rogoff (kibitz #352749)

Premium Chessgames Member
  Diademas: <johnlspouge: < <Bobsterman3000> wrote: Chance is a strange thing - I guess an infinite number of chimps typing on an infinite number of keyboards could also crank out all 37 of Shakespeare's plays soon or later - to the letter!! >

Even here on the Rogoff page, we haven't done it yet.> Kenneth S Rogoff

Premium Chessgames Member
  Annie K.: <Diademas: <Sargon: Caruana—it's time for an American to shock the world again...>

That's happening on a daily basis.
Make way for a boring, predictable Norwegian!>

Carlsen - Caruana World Championship Match (2018) (kibitz #9)

Premium Chessgames Member
  moronovich: Diademas: <I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it I'm about to lose control and I think I like it I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it> This will be the best thing since sliced bread!


Count Wedgemore: <Diademas: This will be the best thing since sliced bread!> Yes, and one of them will be toast after the match.

From the Carlsen page.

Premium Chessgames Member
The Women's World Championship KO (2018) is under way. But why isn't Yifan Hou playing?

User: Tabanus keeps us up to date:
Women's World Championship KO (2018) (kibitz #29)

<Yifan Hou won the WC <KO> in 2010, won the WC <match> in 2011, was knocked out in the WC <KO> 2012, yet allowed to play and win the WC <match> in 2013, boycotted the WC <KO> 2015, yet allowed to play and win the WC <match> 2016, boycotted the WC <KO> in 2017, boycotted the Grand Prix series 2015-2016 and therefore could not play in the WC <match> in May 2018. And now she boycotts the WC KO for the 3rd time.>

Written with dry humour!

Nov-10-18  optimal play: <Nov-09-18 HeMateMe: I thought the intern was hot, the girl trying to grab the mike. [I bet she's aggressive in bed.] I've always liked that 1965 Vassar college look, attractive girls in tasteful dresses, full makeup, perhaps a strand of pearls. It's something the Trump mob does well, hire attractive women.>

Kenneth S Rogoff (kibitz #355895)

Premium Chessgames Member
<"My favourite player from the past is me, 3 or 4 years ago.">

- Magnus Carlsen.

That could be quote of the year.

Premium Chessgames Member
  zanzibar: I think even better was this one just a little bit later,

<"That ship has sailed.">


Premium Chessgames Member
  Diademas: <Domdaniel: <moronovich> -- < If this game was a track by the Beatles,what would it be called ? >

Norwegian Woodpushing.>
Live Broadcast Page

<Domdaniel> back with a vengeance!

Premium Chessgames Member
  Annie K.: That's a live game link that soon won't work... :)

This one will:

Carlsen vs Caruana, 2018 (kibitz #257)

Nov-24-18  mckmac: Daniel AKA Sneaky (from the Mecking page)

Sneaky:<I disagree. Studying master games it the #1 way to improve. A small example: The idea that an amateur player like myself could play a "double bishop sacrifice w/ rook-lift" and get away with it, is not so much a sign of the amateur's genius, but the genius of Emanuel Lasker. All aspiring masters must review the famous Lasker vs Johann Bauer, 1889 attack as part of their ABC's. Morphy, who never had that game as a reference, never played a double-bishop sacrifice! Does that mean the amateur is better than Morphy? Of course not. It means the amateur has more ammunition.

Psychologists and some chessplayers like to use the term 'chunks' to represent a pattern (or motif, if you will) that is committed to memory.

A typical chess chunk might be this: "There I was, winning his b-pawn with my bishop, but after he played ...Rb8 soon I found that I was losing my b-pawn as well." All chess players have been in that situation; it's a very basic chunk.

If the chess pieces are like letters of an alphabet, then a chunk is sort of like a 'word', and the whole game is like a short story or poem. A literate person does not necessarily know a bunch of poems, but they definitely know a bunch of words.

The difference between GM's and the rest of us is that they have tens of thousands of chunks, while we have a small functional vocabulary of perhaps a few hundred.>

Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: I asked a question: <How have computers changed World Chess?>

User: Sokrates came up with a good answer at Carlsen - Caruana World Championship Match (2018) (kibitz #2878) it was mainly about opening preparation.

But this met with a really good riposte from User: Lupara at Carlsen - Caruana World Championship Match (2018) (kibitz #2897)

In part this reads

<...Caruana rejected the computer evaluation and decided to go his own way and won brilliantly.

Caruana vs M Vachier-Lagrave, 2014

Here, the computers evaluated Caruana's move 15. g4 as a blunder. Indeed, many people on this site and other sites, such as chessbomb, criticised Caruana's move based on the computer evaluations. But Caruana was right because he rejected the computer evaluations at that time. The move 14. Rc1, which preceeded 15. g4 made the move g4 possible, but this was lost on most persons who viewed the game and relied on computer evaluations. New in Chess voted 14. Rc1 the TN of the year.>

A small fountain of optimism in the jeremiads following the match: Chess is not dead!

Premium Chessgames Member
  zanzibar: <offramp: I have no immediate need for intercourse with <BP>.>

thegoodanarchist chessforum (kibitz #1286)

A search of all mentions of intercourse by <offramp> is slightly interesting:

Search Kibitzing


Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Comments on the games of AlphaZero (Computer) tend to consist of long printouts of computer analysis.

Here is an interesting and revealing comment from User: pdxjjb, who has discovered a very real cyberspace oddity.

click for larger view

AlphaZero now played

<pdxjjb: I spent a long time analyzing this game using SF10. After a lot of computer time (10+ CPU hours on a 2013 Mac Pro, mostly focused on a few move sequences), I found a couple of interesting things.

1. SF10 never sees 40 ... Qg3 as even a good choice. I ran to 40-some ply with MultPV set to 8 and SF10 never even considered this as one of the top 8 moves.

I've spent many hours looking at SF analyses of high-quality games with MultPV set to 5 or more so I can see the alternate lines. I've never seen anything even remotely like this before...>

That is the start of the comment. It is worth looking at the game.

Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: Link missing from previous post.
Stockfish vs AlphaZero, 2018 (kibitz #4) Sod it. I am really annoyed.
Premium Chessgames Member
  OhioChessFan: Thanks. I was about to point that out.
Premium Chessgames Member
  offramp: User: Whitehat1963 had a happy thought at

L Spassov vs P Popov, 1977 (kibitz #67)

<The names sound like they were invented by a playground bully.>

I can indeed imagine Nelson Muntz sidling up to the board and saying, "Hey, look! It's Spassov versus Popov," and getting a roar of laughter from all except the bullees.

Premium Chessgames Member
  perfidious: Courtesy of <keypusher>:

<...Skepticism looks more attractive if dressed in the robes of knowledge, rather than the track suit of ignorance.>

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