If you have any suggestions regarding quotes or puns I might have missed and you think I should add, you are welcome to suggest it right here.

<the voice>

They have googled. They have asked questions. A chess community in search of a man. In search of a dream.

<scene from the movie>

(1st guy punches the 2nd guy)

"Where the hell is Schinkmann?"

(the 2nd guy spits the 1st guy in the face)

"Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk."

<the voice>

One community. One mission. One chance. This summer, in theaters

LancelotduLac: Here is my brilliancy, it was in a correspondence game against the immortal Schinkmann. Note that it has all the relevant information, i.e., name of my opponent, date and tournament, so you can rest assured that it's genuine:

[White: "Robert Schinkmann"]
[Black: "LancelotduLac"]
[Date: August 14, 1938]
[Tournament: 1st Correspondence Championship of the World] [Result: 0-1]

1. f4 e5!!

My opponent wouldn't accept this move and demanded that I take it back. He said I should feel pathetic and told me to take up checkers instead.

2. fxe5 d6
3. exd6 Bxd6
4. Nc3 Qh4ch!!!

Here my opponent chided me for my ignorance of the rule "don't bring your queen out too early"

5. g3 Qxg3ch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here my opponent, who was rated 2438 at the time, told me that I was the worst player he'd ever played against and that I should feel nyukish.

6. hxg3?!

Here my opponent demanded my resignation, telling me he would not accept any other move. I told him to wait patiently for me to unleash a subtle and brilliant novelty.

6... Bxg3#

Some little-known Garry Kasparov facts:
(based on the Chuck Norris ones)

Garry Kasparov's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

A man once asked Garry Kasparov if his real name is "Weinstein". Garry Kasparov did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Garry Kasparov does not sleep. He waits.

Garry Kasparov took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Garry Kasparov once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Garry Kasparov doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Garry Kasparov can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.

Whenever Garry Kasparov produces a novelty, a building explodes.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Garry Kasparov's Sicilian.

When Garry Kasparov sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, with a fierce look in front of a chess board. Garry Kasparov has not had to pay taxes ever.

In a fight between Batman and Superman, the winner would be Garry Kasparov.

Fire does not burn Garry Kasparov, Garry Kasparov burns fire.

When Garry Kasparov does his laundry, he prefers the gentle cycle. He can't feel a difference, but he thinks softer clothes helps him blend in with mortals.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Garry Kasparov allows to live.

Garry Kasparov does not go playing chess because "playing" implies a chance of failure. Garry Kasparov goes "winning".

I have some about Garry...

Garry Kasparov is so scary, he makes computers have nightmares of him in sleep mode.

When printing out a PGN of Garry's games, my printer had a heart attack and never recovered.

When Garry Kasparov lost a game of checkers to me, he replied, "The game is flawed," and days later Hydra and several computers confirmed this.

When Garry Kasparov was asked what would happen to the world if he fell below 2800 he replied, "Ever heard of the Dark Ages?"

Recent evidence suggests Kasparov was not born in Baku, but rather in an explosion off the coast of Bermuda which explains the strange occurences of the Bermuda Triangle.

<May-03-05, The Kibitzer's Café >:

Also, here is a fictional story of me going to a tournament:

Jay: "The Something or other open, sound's fun!"

Al "Yeah, you have Kosteniuk in the 1st round, so good luck, oh there she is!"

Jay "How beutiful!"

Al:"Yeah, isnt she?"

Jay: "Oh, I wasnt refering to Kosteniuk, there is a wine expo!"

Al: "Dude, you have a game, and so do I"

Jay: But we have time! And besides, I have no time to play a game with a girl when I can enjoy lot's of fine Cabournet, Champaign, wines, the liquor store and super marker only have under $20.00 wines, utterly classless California cheap wine! But this! This is class and style! (I am drinking a glass of $500.00 French wine aged to absolute perfection)

Jay: Ahhh, what a fine cabournet! The sweet taste of this wine is sure worth missing the (a really big russian guy throws me over his shoulder and say's: You have a chess game! And having wine before a game with a destinguished GM of the 1st order, well, good luck!)

Jay: HELP! GET ME DOWN!

Jay: (at the tournament): "Being 5 minutes late at a 60/1 time increment, better hurry!" (I go on to lose in 2o moves, I was black playing the From's gambit against Kosteniuk"

Kosteniuk: "I smell very fine wine off of you, what an honor to defeat someone with such class! The 1st prize is a $1,000.00 bottle of wine imported from the valley of the French Alp's, aged for over 100 years to absolute perfection"

Jay: "I really wish I've won this tournament"

(I went on to place 3rd, even though in real I would not be able to place even 3rd in any open of a caliber like that, I have ordered Renko's Deadly Tactics course 2: So my tactics will be perfect, and Improve you're positional chess, to go from slightly worse then mediocre to slightly better then mediocre in this department"

<Apr-27-05, Zhu Chen vs Kosteniuk, 2001 >:

she is not best yet, but she will be if she sharpen's her tactics. I have a tactical and attacking ability and style that is comparable to Alekhine, yet fall somewhere below Kosteniuk.

<Jun-06-05, NN vs Du Mont, 1802 >:

Also a fictional story I made up that is video game material:

Many chess players were traped in a time portal, for what purpose this serves they do not know, only a fine tactician as jaymthetactician can free them, he heads to New York, 1858 unknowingly in a time portal:

Jay: Where am I?

New Yorker: Why this is Manhattan!

Jay: Hmmm, Havent seen this part before say youre goofing me, I cant see a highrise! (I just realize it's 1858 by looking at a newspaper) Oh, I'm back in time! Say, do you know about Paul Morphy?

Why no ones seen him in ages! But there is a 10 year old boy by the name of Bobby Fischer who's skill at chess has already exceeded his! He trounced Paulsen 10-0 at the Franklin chess club!

Jay:were is he now?

Well, he went over to europe and is currently undefeated there, Anderssen fell, as did Staunton.

(meanwhile in the year 1930 at the AVRO tournament)

Morphy: This place is strange! Hmmm? The year 1930? Well, I must catch up on the current theory of this time period!

Meanwhile at Lineres 2000:

<acirce, May-22-05, Vladimir Kramnik >:

Maybe he's contractually obliged to smoke Dannemann's cigars.

<yoozum, May-25-05, Vladimir Kramnik >:

"When FOX approached the best chessplayers in the world about a reality tv show, they promptly refused.....they accepted several months later.

Now, prepare to witness the smartest men in the world away from the chessboard, in a totally different light.

[Cut to clip of Leko in his purple tux doing the robot in a nightclub]

Tempers will rise.

[Cut to clip of Nigel on Kasparov's back attempting to strangle him]

Egos will soar.

[Cut to clip of Kasparov flipping over a chessboard in disgust]

Sacrifices will be refuted.

[Cut to clip of Anand screaming while ripping his shirt off]

Romances will form.

[Cut to clip of Morozevich and Polgar awkwardly holding hands]

The alcohol will flow.

[Cut to clip of Shirov stumbling on a street while leaning on Leko for support]

Complete chaos will ensue.

[Cut to clip of Topalov saying "Everyone in this house is $@*&$*@ CRAZY!"]

<tpstar, May-18-05, Rustam Kasimdzhanov >:

1) The game was fixed; he was ordered to lose.

2) He is developing deep anti-computer strategy, because computers just don't understand these types of positions.

3) Black reveals slavish devotion to Steinitzian principles of first-rank overprotection.

4) His copy of "My System" was unfortunately mistranslated.

And if you like Queen = Lawrence Day

1. TD: "Son, this game's a draw. There's nothing but two Kings on the board." Player: "Shhh, don't tell my opponent, I'm hoping he'll make a mistake."

2. TD: "Son, your opponent's correct, you cannot castle when your King is on e1 and your Rook is on e8." Player (confidently) "But I just Rooked a pawn on e8." TD: "So?" Player: "I've never moved that Rook; I've never moved my King, and there's no pieces between them and no checks. That's what you told us!"

<LIFE Master AJ: I have a problem.

My ignore list is full>

Starring, <hitman 84> & <TheAlchemist>

First, I post a position in the game Anand-Tiviakov (21...?) Seconds after that, hitman84 posts the same position. Then, we both delete it.

<<hitman84>: TheAlchemist LOL!! where is the position>

So, I repost it, but so does hitman84.

<<TheAlchemist>: Ok, this is getting ridiculous.>

<<radu stancu>: <hitman84, TheAlchemist> This is hilarious! :))>

<<hitman84>: Alchemist

"Black to move"

"tiviakov 2 move"

i guess that is the only difference
LOL!!>

Finally, we make a wise decision:

<TheAlchemist: <hitman84> You leave it, I'll delete it, OK?>

<hitman84: <TheAlchemist>roger that!>

1.Must troll chessgames.com for 300 posts without your rating dropping below 2200.

2.Must pick up 3 MAM norms. A norm is achieved when: (a) Your pages get locked by the admin because they've finally had enough. Twice. (b) One of your games is deleted from the database because it was obviously fabricated. (c)You repeatedly ask for more slots on your ignore list.

3.300 GMs must E-mail the USCF asking them to ratify your MAM title application.

The Minor American Master title is ment to replace the OLM or Obscure LIFE Master title. The MAM's ego can never drop below a certain point (or was that elo?) no matter how many Tuesday problems he strugles with or how many obvious tactics he misses and later needs help from Fritz to find them.

<TheAlchemist, Nov-16-05, Odd Lie >:

"Hello! I'm your LM Office Assistant AJ. Do you wish to...

a) have a normal conversation with me?

b) criticise my analysis?

c) get on my ignore list?"

...

a) "You have selected to have a normal conversation with me...

ERROR No. 21393494/3423

This function is not available in your current version of the program. We are sorry for the inconvenience."

b) "You have selected to criticise my analysis. Well @#$% you, you stupid piece of @#$%!"

c) You have selected to get on my ignore list. This function is enabled by default with the installation of the program."

...

"Thank you for choosing LM Office. The only thing you will ever need.

<hayton3, Oct-17-05, A J Goldsby >:

The Goldsby Doctrine:- I troll therefore I am.

The Goldsby Position - I lose therefore you cheated.

The Goldsby Argument:- I'm wrong so you're wrong too.

The Goldsby Attitude:- All opinions stink so I'll persist in wafting mine around.

The Goldsby Ethic:- I preach in parables so that one day I might actually take notice of their wisdom myself.

I got the solution pretty rapidly.

<LIFE Master AJ:> <I read - somewhere - that one of the main goals of this website was for the experienced players to help those less informed or with perhaps less skill at the game.>